(Tooth) Fairy Tales and other happily ever after farces…

In two days time this week, I have witnessed a couple of instances of fairy-talish happily ever after via mainstream media - the season finale of the Bachelor and the Tooth Fairy movie. And both of them set the wrong way with me.



Let me start by telling you I LOATHE the Bachelor. I detest every single solitary second of the pining away over the ever-so-difficult decision of being in love with two different girls at the same time. DUDE! IF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH TWO GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME, THEN YOU ARE NOT REALLY IN LOVE WITH EITHER OF THEM!!!! And by the way, what got you there was NOT REAL. It was in front of a camera. It was in a tropical or other paradise. It was all expenses paid. It is NOT REAL LIFE!!! So, how can you know whether or not you love this person when you come home from work each day? How can you know if you love this person after they look like crap and were lying on the couch sick all day? How can you know if you love this person when you have to cancel plans because something else came up and you totally let them down? YOU CAN’T!! I hate the freaking show. Because it is about as UNREALISTIC as it gets regarding love and relationships today.



Yet millions flock to watch this show and make judgments on the girls’ character, values, etc. based on what a few biased producers/editors want to show them based on the fact that THEY are looking to make money with the show. So, YES, they are going to make a couple girls look like total Bee’s with itches in order to boost some ratings. Because February? Is a SWEEPS month for television. And high ratings in SWEEPS months equals big bucks for advertising on that station next year.



Some of the millions that flock to this show are my girlfriends. So, for the last two years, we have had BACHELOR parties to watch the season finale. Last year, I wore my wedding veil and shoes and pearls to mock my friends. This year, I hosted the party. I’ve lost about 10 pounds since last year. So, this is how I hosted:

A couple of others joined in the fun including a surprise visit from Napoleon Dynamite. He noticed I was drinking 1% milk. He asked if it was because I thought I was fat. Cuz I’m not. He said I could drink whole if I wanted. He’s so smooth.

The second fairy-tale I experienced was taking the boyz to see the Tooth Fairy. (Spoiler Alert) This movie is based on an aging, brut hockey player who is trying to woo Ashley Judd as he dates her. She wants to see how he interacts with her two kids including a middle-school son and a daughter at tooth-losing, tooth-fairy believing age. I would say 6ish. He is sentenced by the fairies to do tooth fairy duty for a couple weeks due to his constant crushing of dreams by telling kids to aim low and that their chances of making it big are slim, etc. because that is his own experience in life.



My issue with this movie isn’t the fairy aspect or the shrinking paste or the amnesia dust or invisibility spray or the random disappearing into a swirling colorful vortex. My issue with this movie isn’t even an issue I would have had 6 months ago. My issue with this movie is taking my boyz to see it and wondering what goes through their minds, wondering if they caught on to the happily-ever-after theme of a man trying to woo a single mom with kids who had no apparent father figure in their life (no mention of Dad at all), a man who had little interest in the boy at first, but gradually (after two whole encounters) assumed the role of mentor and encourager in the boy’s life. I wondered what went through their minds as they saw this man who was obviously smitten with the beautiful mom become just as smitten with the kids and develop into a part of the kids lives.



All before the 2-week tooth fairy sentence was over.



It is obviously a sign of the time of my life when the largest concern I have over a movie is whether or not my boyz are buying into the “happily ever after” concept as it pertains to their own situation. I just don’t want to feed them any unrealistic expectations. I worry about what they think is going to happen next in their lives.



I notice how they so badly crave adult male attention – so much so that they act like idiots when they do get it. They really don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to help them. It breaks my heart.


So I wonder how they process watching TV or movies where the parents are not married or a parent is not present (hello Disney movies) and what events unfold in the characters' lives.



Gavin randomly mentions that I should just get married again. According to him, I’d be less sad, there would be someone else to help me and he would have someone to play catch with and wrestle around with. Someone else could take him to play his sports and stuff like other dads. Yes, he says this.



Grant never says a word about it, but he is the one that acts completely goofy and says really off–the-wall and sometimes alarming things to get the attention of adult males around him.



The void in their lives is apparent only to me. I obviously don’t point it out to them. Others don’t notice it and would think Grant to be strange or rambunctious or violent.



I see two fragile little boyz who have had a rough life chock full of harsh reality. I see two little boyz that loved their daddy and miss everything he was to them. I see two little boyz that I want to protect and help. Part of that protection is keeping them from having unrealistic expectations and believing in the fairy tale.



I guess because I don’t believe it myself. Not that I can’t get re-married some day. Just knowing it is way more complicated than the movies and TV.



Sometimes I wish I could believe in the fairy tale version. I hate that as adults we get so beat down with reality it causes us to stop believing.



As I have said in the description of the blog and in the “about me” section, the title of this blog used to pertain to Brian’s healing and health. He is completely restored in heaven now. Now the title pertains to the boyz and I finding our place in this world. As a good friend once encouraged me, it is a fluid statement relating to whatever season and circumstance the boyz and I are experiencing. It didn't end with Brian. Whether it is doses of reality, fairy tale endings or something in the middle, I find it very fitting today to close with…



KEEP BELIEVING

I am smiling as I write this

I am smiling as I write this.

WHY?

For no reason in particular.
No big revelation.
No news.
Nothing, really.

I am smiling as I write this because I am trying to train myself to smile more in my everyday life.

You see, I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately - a lot of "what was I doing this time last year?" And this time last year, we had this news. I spent two hours the other night reading all my posts from October through January - reading the rollercoaster we called LIFE in those three months. Holy SHIT! By the way, I am trying, VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY, not to curse as much, but I figure I have pretty good control over at least not writing it out. Still, HOLY SHIT is all I can think worthy to write when I read the posts from last October til the time Brian died. I didn't even have the emotional stamina to keep reading past the news in January that we faced.

Still, while reading all of those posts - while quietly reflecting lately on what life was like a year ago and 7 months ago today when Brian passed -I couldn't help but notice a pretty familiar theme.

Despite the chemos, the ups and downs, the ever changing symptoms, the heartache, the insurance woes, the waste-of-time doctor visits, the sick kids in the midst of it all - despite ALL of that - I was able to instill some humor in my posts. And it wasn't forced. Forced humor is obvious. It was real. I was actually pretty funny sometimes.

While I know that JOY and HAPPINESS are not one in the same, we had JOY that led to happiness even during that traumatic time. Brian had a way of keeping the air light and enjoyable even while his body slowly faded. And it wasn't forced. Forced joy is obvious. He had true JOY in his heart that exuded from him and was absolutely contagious.

So, I write this with a smile on my face today because for now, I am going to force the smiles at home - a place where the smiles have been few lately. I figure if I write with a smile, then maybe something funny will come out again - maybe I will look back on this post one day and see some happiness in the midst of it all. I figure if I start forcing the smiles now, the joy and the happiness will have to follow suit.

For right now, though, my cheeks just hurt.

KEEP BELIEVING

desktop prisoner

Dear Brian,

When you were alive, I found more time and energy and creativity to update this blog. Strange how that worked. When you were alive, the pace was slow, laid-back, relaxed. Life was about spending time with you - enjoying your presence, squeezing out every last bit of BRIAN enjoyment we could muster. Now things have changed. School has started. The boys are in some activities. Soccer starts this week. Homework dominates every weekday afternoon. While all these events were occurring last year, something still felt simpler and slower about life in general. Maybe it was simply the presence of YOU.

There was something about being on this computer (now 5 years old), that was an escape for me. We do not own a laptop, so when I would blog or come do my research or keep our home finances up to date on this desktop, it was an excuse for me to get away from the pain of watching you die. It was also a chance for me to give you one-on-one time with others. It was also, all too often, a distraction keeping me from spending time with you. We spoke often of getting a laptop. We thought maybe I could still do all my screen-time hobbies, yet go downstairs and watch some DVR'd CSI or 30 Rock with you. I am so thankful that God did not have us buy that laptop. If I would have had a laptop, I would have been constantly distracted when I was in your presence. As you know, it doesn't take a lot for that to happen anyway. When I was with you, this computer was in another room, so it was just YOU AND I or just OUR FAMILY time when we were together. Little distraction. For that, I am grateful.

But, the mood is changing. The evenings can be lonely once the kids are in bed. And I find myself not enjoying spending time in this room chained to this desktop to continue the same activities that so recently brought me enjoyment. So, this weekend, we are having a garage sale. Whatever proceeds I earn from this endeavor will officially go towards a laptop. It is time. Yet, even this small step feels like I am dishonoring you for some reason.

On the bright side, the boys will be so happy that they get some computer time. Mommy is not a very good sharer.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

The truth about why I'm not blogging

The simple, hard truth about why I don't blog these days is this:

When I'm not artificially busy with traveling with the kids and doing kid activities, when the home improvement projects come to an end, when I find the time to have downtime, the fog creeps in.

The fog of loneliness and sadness. The fog of knowing I have to figure out what to do next. The fog of anxiety over what lies ahead - shorter days, more darkness, colder weather. The fog of routine and a new normal that I don't want, that none of us deserve. The fog of the reality from which we have been successfully running all summer.

And starting with school this week, so ends my ability to keep running. The race may continue, but the slowly pacing grief is gaining on me. I know it is a very small matter of time before grief has completely caught up and we run this race side by side.

It scares me.

KEEP BELIEVING

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,





I couldn't believe it today. I woke ready to face my next milestone date - our 12th wedding anniversary. I came down to a ready-made programmed cup of Starbucks in the coffee pot, sat down at the computer while the kids were still asleep ready to read some comments from yesterday's post. Then I saw it. Look at the blogroll on the right side of my screen. Do you see it?





KEEP BELIEVING





On a day when I ache to celebrate our love together - our triumphs, our struggles, our perseverance and our devotion through it all, I struggle to live our motto - KEEP BELIEVING.





Then I see that so many I have never even met are mourning with me. They are celebrating with us. They are sending me their love and thoughts and prayers and links. This whole blog world that has introduced me to a new kind of friendship - one that has been very one sided for the last 6 months - continues to amaze and humble me.





And I can find the strength to KEEP BELIEVING.





Here is last year's post I wrote on our anniversary. It made you cry. So few times I saw you break down and lose it. This post made you fall into a heap in my arms declaring your love for me and how lucky you felt to be my spouse. I still think I got the better end of the lucky stick. Even now. Even without you here. :





Brian,11 years ago today, I donned my princess wedding dress in great anticipation of becoming Mrs. Brian O’Neill. 11 years ago today, I stood in front of hundreds of people and God and declared my life-long love and commitment to you, and you to me. 11 years ago today, I became the luckiest woman alive.





One month later, we would find out you had brain cancer. The next 3 years, while we were still newlyweds, would bring us despair, surgeries, chemotherapy, insurance battles, abstinence from sex so we could bank sperm for a possible future family, uncertainty, and turmoil. The next year would bring more chemo, a move, a job change, more uncertainty. The next few years would bring infertility, adoptions, another job change and move.





We would spend our 10 year anniversary in a romantic little restaurant in San Francisco with your brothers by our sides sharing our eclectic dinners because you would be going in for major surgery the next day to remove part of your brain tumor, yet again. This time, we would be warned of the risks of paralysis and speech deficits, just to name a few. Your brothers shared our anniversary because, well, everyone wanted to share that night with you not knowing what tomorrow would bring. The next year would bring more heartache, more struggles and more chemotherapy. We would live our lives from test result to test result, dreading what may come next. We would find ourselves here, fighting every day for balance between normal and battling cancer.





There is no perfect balance.





If someone would have told me on our wedding day what would evolve over the next 11 years in our lives in detail and asked me if I would marry you anyway, my answer would be a resounding, ABSOLUTELY.





You see, if I had all the knowledge of what I just detailed, I would also have known that we would be blessed because of each other. I would have known that I would get the shot-gun seat to your spiritual growth. I would have known that because of you, I would become a better person. I would have known that our trials, while surreal and sometimes horrific, would shape our character by the way we choose to adhere to our bond, believe in an all-knowing God, and respond to the trials. I would have known that we would have a beautiful family of 4, just not in a traditional way. I would have known that you would bring me joy and happiness and love and strength - emotions so raw, pure, and true that they hurt. I would have known that as I watch you in anguish fight for your life every day living in fear of becoming a family without you, you would be the one giving me the strength to know we would be okay. You would be the one consoling me. You would be the one continuing to lift me up telling me, “You can do it, baby. You got mad skills. You got it going on. You are beautiful. You are better than you give yourself credit. I believe in you.” I would have known that every life you touch has a new piece of happiness they didn’t even know was missing – the laughter you bring, the sarcasm, the witticisms, the thoughts you provoke, the insight you provide.





I would know all that and I would want it all again.





I love you with a indescribable passion,
Your ever-adoring wife, Angie

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

What you can do for us

I would like to start this post off by saying, WOW!!!

As you may or may not know, Brian and I come from large families. Between the two of us, we have over 50 first cousins. FIRST COUSINS. We have over 30 aunts and uncles. We have cousins with kids and kids of cousins with kids. We have friends from all over the country and beyond (eh?). We have a large church. We have groups within our church. We have amazing neighbors. We have co-workers. We are blessed with PEOPLE in our lives. Then there is this whole thing called the BLOGGING world. There are real people I have never met that read this blog and people that we have not seen in years that read this blog. I didn't know the extent of this until just this week. I mean, I knew, but I didn't KNOW, you know?

And everyone wants to know what, if anything, they can do for us. WOW!!!

I am getting bombarded with phone calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, comments, etc. asking what anyone can do.

I am coming to a place in my life that I realize people WANT to do. My mom has told me that if I do not let people DO for me, I rob them of the joy they receive from DOING. So, I am learning to accept help. I am learning that I can ease my burden when I allow others to enter my life and do something that makes them feel good.

In order to help with this difficult time, there are several avenues that anyone can take. Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me.

Practical:

Brian's first cousin Karye Setterlund has agreed to be a contact point for all things practical - meals, errands, groceries, insurance, cleaning, etc.

Here is her contact information if you are interested in helping in any of these areas:

Karye Setterlund

karyes@cmcousa.com

309-691-6930 (home)

309-922-9239 (cell)

I am keeping in close contact with her as needed each day as far as what meals we need (none right now) rides for the kids, groceries, errands, etc. This will ease my phone burden which is heavy some days.

A few tips, though:

• If you bring a meal, disposable dishes are most appreciated. OR please be willing to come back and get your plate - forgiving me if it is not clean when you arrive.


• I don't care about brands on anything unless I specify.


• I do not use any particular brand of laundry detergent - whatever is on sale.


• If we are not home at the time you came for whatever reason right now, it is cool enough to leave just about anything outside for a while. I check the front porch frequently as I find treasure there from little angels frequently.


• Be patient with me and thank yous. I am historically bad at this and right now, I am scatter-brained. Please give your information to Karye so I can thank you properly, though,

Encouragement:

Please know that I am reading the comments. Every last one of them. Sometimes I have time to reply. Sometimes I do not. I am trying, but some days it is overwhelming. The emails coming in for me to relay to Brian - I have to admit - do not always get relayed. I get distracted. I read them, but then delete them to keep the inbox clean and forget the details. If anyone wants to send Brian a specific note, please feel free to email this account we have set up:

brianoneill1972@yahoo.com

Brian's brother, Sean is going to monitor it regularly, print out any and all notes for Brian and bring them to us. A hard copy is still best for ensuring we read these wonderful words together. Or if you would rather send us an actual card or letter, please feel free. You can email the above address and Sean can get your our address or you can email me and I can do it if you don't have it. Every time we get a letter from someone that describes how Brian touched their lives, I see him shrug - like what did I do? I am just being me. I have told him the amount of people he has impacted has surprised even me who knows and understands how amazing he is.

You can continue to send me emails and comments for encouragement. I also facebook (Angie Baer O'Neill) if you are looking for me there. I read every single letter, etc. from everyone. I have to tell you I find great comfort in hearing from other widows. It is strange, but it lets me know that I can do it. That the boys and I will and can be okay. They are also incredibly honest. Something I strive to be. I don't want anything sugar coated.

THE KIDS:

I am trying to keep things as normal for the kids as possible right now. I do not want to shower them with gifts and sweets and other things to ease the pain as I do not want them learning to turn to such things for comfort. I want them to face their fears and grief, address them and work through them with me or whomever else can help them. This is NOT to say that an occasional pack of gum, action figure, video game, trip to the Spotted Cow or a movie isn't a nice gesture. I just don't want it to get overwhelming and I don't want to draw more attention to them than already is. Playdates are good. Letting kids come here on good days keeps things normal for them so they feel comfortable in their own house and letting them know our house is open to friends is important to me. Some days, though, they just need to get out - to get away from the visitors and the hub-bub. Grant is home every afternoon at 11:00, so I think I am going to try to set up once or twice a week playdates with friends and cousins (hello Brody) to give him something else to focus on.

Financial:

Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me, but many of you have asked.

I am in the process of establishing some sort of a fund/trust in Brian's name. I am meeting with a friend/advisor to assist with this on Friday. The fund would be used primarily to help with the children's education and well-being including medical and dental coverage, etc that we will lose in the event of Brian's death. For those of you who don't know, Brian was diagnosed with this disease only one month after we were married, so we have only the life insurance available through his work. Brian and I are very smart and frugal with our money. We live within our means and do not do anything extravagant. This fund would simply allow us to continue to do that for as long as necessary until I could find the right job or pursue the best avenue for employment that is best for the children and me in the event of Brian's death.

My main goal is to keep things stable and secure for the kids. I do not want to make any rash decisions about jobs and moving out of panic. The economy is not the best right now. I would never allow the children to lose this house and our livelihood. I would do whatever it took to maintain that. The generosity that many of you have already bestowed upon us is helping that to be a reality without drastic measure. Mind you, though, I would take drastic measures if need be. However, I know that for the next X number of months or years, my boys will need me. They will benefit from the security of my being the one to get them to school and get them home from school. They will be dealing with not having a daddy around to play sports with and to read to them and to watch them when they learn a new trick or score a goal or catch a fly ball. This breaks my heart and I know it will be painful to them as other dads are helping coach, practicing with their kids, assisting with homework, or simply cheering on the sideline. I want to fill as many gaps as I can, especially in the near term if possible.

I would also like to be able to do charitable things in Brian's name and memory if God allows. We have been blessed a couple times by such organizations and nothing would give Brian more pleasure than being able to bless someone else in our situation some day.

So once again, PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM ASKING FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some have told me they have prayed specifically about this and as awkward as it is for both of us, who are we to deny God's nudging? I prayed for financial provision. I didn't pray for it to be anonymous. I should have been more specific. I think God is trying to teach me something about humbleness and gratitude.

I have to say it again - PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A SOLICITATION FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. PLEASE! Economic times are rough. We are currently blessed. There are many blessing us each day as I write this now. There are many who do not have what we have now, and who will never have what we will continue to have even when Brian does pass. So, I can't shake the guilt of this regardless. Please know, though, that should you feel lead in this way, integrity is not something I would ever compromise in any aspect of my life - financial included. Does that make sense?

Karye is the contact for this as well.

Whew, I said it..... And I lived.... Okay....Breathe....

Visits/Phone calls:

There are so many that want to visit, see or talk to Brian. This is to be expected and we encourage it. You read above that we have large families, so crowds to us are nothing new. Due to this, though, we cannot guarantee that there may not be someone else here when any one person or group is visiting with Brian or me. I like people. I need people, family and friends surrounding me and supporting me. They distract me, make me laugh, comfort me when I cry and fill the gap when I can't make it across the gorge. Please know that if the visits are too much, I WILL SAY SO, so don't feel like you are over-imposing. I will be honest. I will do what is best for Brian, the kids and me. In saying that, though, we have a two story and a basement. If the best thing for Brian is quiet and solitude, but not for me, I can still have visitors retreat with me to the dungeon. I am learning that this process is not just about Brian. It is about all of us.

Okay, back to the point. I will still be the contact person for visits for Brian. Please don't feel like you are overwhelming me right now. Visits during the day are pretty good actually, as Gavin is at school and Brian is more alert. Monday and Tuesday evenings are not good as we have soccer. Any other evening is doable, but we will not overdo this because it also can cut into our family time that we are cherishing right now.

I know weekends are best for many due to work, travel, etc. So, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T COME OVER FOR A VISIT IF SOMEONE ELSE IS HERE. We do not know how much time Brian has remaining and weekends are the only option for many. That is just the way it is. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, just know it isn't coming from us.

AND I WILL SAY ENOUGH IF I FEEL IT IS ENOUGH. I am being honest. I told my girlfriend the other day that I needed her gone by 1:30 because hospice was coming for the first time. I hated saying goodbye to her, but I had to do it. I told some friends the other day that I needed them gone by 12:30. It was hard, but not as hard as the first time. I called a friend and cancelled a dinner plan tomorrow night because I have felt overwhelmed this week. It wasn't THAT BAD. I told my MIL I wanted her to come at 10:00 tomorrow so I could have the majority of the day to myself since Grant has a playdate. It felt good. So, really, I will say enough is enough. I am getting good at it.

Best hours for a visit:

10:00am to 3:00pm

not good: Monday and Tuesday evenings.

Other decent times:

weekends, evenings 4-7 W-F.

Best hours for phone calls:

10:00-4:00 Mon-Tues

10:00 - 7:00 Wed - Sunday

Brian is a man of few words right now. He is having some speech issues so I try to help out as much as possible, but most phone conversations are brief.

That about sums it up. I feel like a pushy, bossy, demanding little thing, but I think this is what people were looking for. If I offended anyone, I didn't mean to, but I can't apologize right now.

KEEP BELIEVING

As if I keep reading it, then somehow....

I keep clicking on and opening my own blog. Over a hundred times a day. I don't know why. Yes, I read the comments. I take them in and savor them. I read every single one and every single email that comes. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.



But the reason I keep reading is more this time.



I had been dreading the day I may have to write that post - the one that tested my very core and inner faith. The one that I knew would make some that have believed in our story and our plight for so long doubt themselves and their God. The one I knew would make nay-sayers smug - saying where is your God now? I prayed for God to give me the words to make an impact.



Yet, I am profoundly disappointed at my own words. My lack of creativity. The void of almost anything spiritual. The absence of that which is inspirational.



Still, I keep reading it over and over.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow circumstances will change.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow time will stand still.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow things will not progress.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow this would no longer be our lives we are living, but someone else's for which we are empathetic.



This is our life. I don't want it. It doesn't matter. This is our life. My future is disappearing before my eyes. My dreams are dying slowly each day. I do not get to grow old with my husband. I am about to enter single-motherhood. I have to worry about how we are going to get by. I have to figure out how to make things stable and secure for my boys in the aftermath of losing the person that is supposed to protect them the most.



And none of it is my choice.



Yet, I continue to go back to my own words: "..finding peace in the last 11 years of our struggles has always been a choice. It is a conscious effort on both our parts...We are not defined by our circumstances in life. Peace comes from how we choose to respond to our circumstances. There is nothing any of us could do to honor God more than to handle our circumstances with the utmost dignity and Christ-like character possible. I look at Brian’s attitude and the choices he has made over the last 11 years, and I see nothing more God-honoring than that. "



I have a choice now. My choice is to seek the peace that surpasses all understanding. Because there is no logic. There is no understanding this.



KEEP BELIEVING

Oh where, oh where has my little blog gone...

Bloggonit, it has been a VERY long time since I last posted. And there is good reason for that. I have not been home. And we do not own a laptop. We are stuck in this house to the old computer desk (which is now in the same room as the new Wii after some rearranging) if we want to cop some computer time.

I am sure I have lost just about every reader I had that read this blog for any reason OTHER than to find out how Brian fares. Since that is the case, the remainder of this post will be to update you on exactly that.

I had said that Brian was going to start chemo on Dec. 29th. We delayed that a week. He is now to start tomorrow, Jan 5, 2009. He has an appointment sometime in the morning. Only I have no idea what time because the last few weeks my brain has been in the toilet or covered in vomit or something along those lines and I don't know where I wrote it down but I didn't write it in my calendar and don't ask me why - I am sure it has something to do with vomit. I will explain.

On Wednesday night, Dec. 17th, Gavin complained of an upset tummy. He began vomiting around 10 pm that night and proceeded to upchuck no less than 7 times until around 10:00 am. He was on the mend, but missed school Thursday. On Thursday night we received one of our many recent ice storms, so school was cancelled on Dec. 19th. Gavin's Christmas break therefore started at the end of school on Dec 17th. When none of us showed signs of the stomach bug for the next three days I assumed we were in the clear. Not so. Brian woke up vomiting all day on Sunday, Dec 21. Grant began vomiting on Sunday evening. I never did. I told Brian, however, that it would be nothing short of a Christmas miracle if I didn't end up with this stomach virus. When I didn't get it for the next three days, I assumed that was the case. Rather, I awoke on Christmas morning with feelings of nausea and illness all day. The good news is that no one else in our extended family was plagued with the illness. No, there seems to be a special place reserved for us on Satan's hit list for ailments.

We were hopeful that Brian's episode that Sunday could be attributed to the bug, but we are not sure. You see, Brian has been having many of these episodes lately. Sometimes it is limited to once or twice in the morning with a pleasant afternoon. Other times, it lasts all day - for instance Dec. 13, Dec. 21, Jan 1. He had smaller episodes on Dec 24th, Dec 30th and Jan 4th. He just vomits. It is strange. It is scary. It is annoying for him. He can't make it to the bathroom in time, so he keeps a bucket nearby and that is embarrassing for him if the boys are around. We can't keep them away all the time, though, and we never know if or when he may be overcome with an urge to vomit. And I know this all sounds gross with the overuse of the word vomit, but it isn't really nausea. He is fine one moment and then just throws up the next, so the term 'vomiting fits' is the only way I know to explain it.

In addition, his right side appears to be getting weaker with some balance issues. Walking for much of a distance is growing more challenging and any sort of uneven surface is just about out at this point in time. He struggles to open most cans and his pill bottles, but insists on trying. He still navigates stairs as long as there is a railing.

He is tired a lot. He watches a lot of movies, TV and football right now. Sometimes he watches it like our dads have been able to do for so many years through closed eyelids and between snores.

All that being said, he is in decent spirits. Admittedly, we are both getting frustrated with the frustrations in our lives if that makes sense. We didn't let them get us down for the holidays, though. We went to my mom and dad's for several days and Santa came there. We spent the new year in Kansas City with Brian's entire family which was very pleasant. There was a lot of driving involved and since I am the ony driver now, it can be taxing on me, but we work through it. The last two weeks went by very quickly. Unfortunately, Brian woke up on New Year's Day with a full day of his vomiting spells. That wasn't the way he wanted to ring in the new year. He was much better most of the next day. He doesn't have much of an appetite in general, though. We were able to squeeze in many games of Euchre and a few board games with the kids. Let me just say that Brian is the best one handed Euchre dealer and player around.

I don't know what all of these issues mean for starting a new round of chemo. I have no idea if the episodes are something more to worry about or if the doctor will suggest we forgo chemo longer. I just don't know. He has his appointment SOMETIME tomorrow, so we will ask tomorrow. In the meantime, the surgeon also wants to meet with us on Tuesday to discuss whether or not he attempts some surgery in an effort to debulk and maybe give Brian some more time.

As you can clearly see, things are the same ol', same ol' here for us. Don't know what we are doing. Brian doesn't feel great, but tries his darnedest not to let it get him down. Kids start school again tomorrow. We mange some time for friends and family. We play each day by ear.

That's about it from here for now. I will write more this week.

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a decision...quality time....pictures with Santa...teeth...a Christmas Card

I'm not going to post for a few days. Read a bit each day to tide you over. There is a lot of crap meaningful stuff here today.

We met with Brian's oncologist, Dr. G. (no relation to Mrs. G.) on Wednesday. He was not surprised that Dr. K., the surgeon, discussed a surgical option with us. When asked whether Dr. G. thought chemo or surgery was the next best step, he stated that there is no right or wrong answer. From his perspective, a surgery would give him the pathology he needs to determine exactly what is in Brian's head and therefore the best approach to treat it. However, from a clinical perspective, there is no real answer for how much surgery would improve Brian's condition. As Dr. K. stated, it would really be to debulk and buy more time. Dr. K. said for most patients he would not have recommended a possible surgery, but for a father of two young boys, he wants to give our family as much time as possible.

Dr. G. said he would recommend chemo and see how Brian fares (fairs? Aunt Jane, what is it?) for a while and then discuss surgery again if that is something we were interested in later.

The thing is, as both doctors and we know, there are enormous pros and cons to both choices. It just seems from our perspective that a 15% chance of having more problems than Brian currently has after an additional surgery does not make us as excited about trying that option for the sake of more time. More time does not mean as much if the quality of that time is compromised.

So, we are scheduled for chemo on Dec. 29th in the morning as of right now. Ask us next week if we keep that appointment or if we schedule surgery. We know there is no right or wrong decision in this scenario.

The quality of time we have had as a family lately has been immeasurable. Brian is in great spirits and is feeling better. His right hand and leg are still incredible weak and uncooperative to his will, but he doesn't let it get him down too much. And because he has been so much fun to be around and more involved with the kids and such, it makes me even more willing and happy to be his hand and foot and speech when he can't be. Not that there are ever conditions on my help for him, but it makes it enjoyable. You know? He is having less muscle pain and neck ache since he went back on a low steroid dose and is gradually tapering over the next 3 weeks. He even tries to work out. He gets on the elliptical for 10 or 15 minutes at a time and goes very slowly trying to work his body whenever he can.

We have been thoroughly enjoying our Netflix (thanks Murph and Jen) subscription together. We are even taking one for the team and renting a couple for the kids soon. I know, I know. We are saints. Go ahead and pat us on the back. Also, I have figured out if Brian does pass away, I can become a suburban pot dealer. Mary Louise Parker has it mastered on Weeds, so I know it must be doable. Actually, my favorite part of the morally conflicting show (which is also my new favorite type of movie and show in general), is listening to the "Little Boxes" song at the beginning taking me back to my childhood and riding with Aunt Jane in the car listening to her explanation of the meaning of the song, enjoying the irony that today I live in one of those little boxes, but that I am SO NOT made of ticky tacky.

Also, we have been enjoying our morning coffee together watching some news and sports recaps. We just spend a lot of time together - occasionally a lunch date, an early morning snuggle after the kids are off to school. It is like being newlyweds again with children present, but a bit of freedom when they are at school.

As a family, we have been watching lots of Christmas specials and playing a lot of boardgames. Yesterday we went to see Santa at the mall so the boys could tell Santa we would be in Missouri for Christmas Day and rattle off their list of items they desire even though I know for a fact Santa is not delivering the entire list. Santa believes children appreciate more when they are not fed every one of their hearts' desires at our house. When we got to the mall, Santa was taking what we were told was a quick break, so we got a pretzel and I told the kids that Santa had to pee. I knew they would laugh at that, which they did. Humanizing their heroes is one of my favorite things to do. When Santa did not return for about 45 minutes, Grant said, "I think it must take fat people A REALLY LONG TIME to pee."

This is the terrible off center photo we paid the 16-year-old elf $25 to take and print. Ho Ho Ho. We weren't dressed in coordinating outfits and the boys wore what they had on at school, but it captures us fine - with the exception of the top of Brian's head, which is incredibly ironic, because if he could live without it, we would gladly cut off that troublesome area of his body. At least I was wearing one of my most obnoxious shirts possible and we captured the red carpet full of lint and debris to make up for the adolescent elf's spacial challenges.

Gavin lost another tooth yesterday. His top front one. He looks and talks so weird without it. I will get a photo soon. I haven't taken any pictures in many days. Based on the photo above, I should have brought my camera to the mall. Anyway, he wanted to show the tooth to his memaw who is coming for a visit today, so I told him he would have to write the tooth fairy and ask her nicely if she would leave the tooth, but she may not leave money if she didn't take the tooth. When Gavin was 2, I used to pride myself on my ability to translate spoken Gavinese when so few could. Now I can even read and translate Gavinese. Here is his note:

Dear tooth fairy,
Even though I lost a tooth
will you please keep it
under my pillow. Please will
you give me something.


Since he said please, he got to keep the tooth and $2. He told me he is going to do this every time now. And, personally, I think it is fine. It keeps the tooth fairy from hiding the teeth elsewhere in our house. By the way, how long does the tooth fairy keep teeth? I mean, I throw away just about every other project that comes my way unless it is a handmade clay something or other, but what do I do with the teeth and for how long and for WHY? Is there etiquette for this kind of thing? Will they want them some day? I don't have my baby teeth and do not feel that I am missing anything. Am I just not nostalgic? Am I a scrooge?



Speaking of Bah! Humbug! I have decided not to send Christmas cards again this year. I think just about anyone that would receive one of our cards reads this blog at least on occasion, so I am saving a days worth of work and over $100 and boycotting the obligatory ritual again. Brian thinks I will cave, but I didn't cave last year.

For your benefit, these are the images from which I was choosing for the card:










Consider yourself served. Merry Christmas, signed the Brian O'Neill family. You're welcome. Feel free to pirate those photos and add us to your refrigerator. Your home will be more beautiful for it.



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what to expect from us the next week

Here is our schedule from last Monday to next Wednesday:

Monday, September 22: wake up, work out, pack for school, get kids off to school, go to doctors appointment (Angie). Frantically find babysitter for availability at 2nd opinion doctor’s appointment (Angie). Go back and give blood with first doctor after 2nd opinion doctor’s appointment (Angie) because they forgot to take it earlier. Do some math with Gavin. Shove edible substance down my and children’s throats. Go to Grant’s soccer game. Come home. Shower. Read with kids. Go to bed.

Tuesday, September 23: wake up, work out, pack for school, get kids off to school, go to first Mom’s group at church for the year, do homework with Grant. Do homework with Gavin. Shove something edible down my and the boys’ throats. Brian has MRI. Go to Gavin’s soccer game. Come home. Shower. Read with kids. Go to Bed.

Wednesday, September 24: wake up (late), pack for school, get kids to school, work out. Pick up bagels and spend some time with a couple friends for an hour. Have a couple hours in afternoon to self – spend it returning some recently bought items and gifts. Realize I forgot half the items and will have to repeat during Thursday morning’s free time when boys are at school. Do homework with Gavin. Shove edible substance into my and the boys' throats. Go to Grant’s soccer clinic. Do not pass go and continue directly to Wednesday evening church service. Come home. Shower. Read with kids. Go to bed.

Thursday, September 25: wake up, work out, pack for school, get kids to school, return forgotten items from Wednesday run. Come home. Spend time with one sister-in-law to plan another sister-in-law’s baby shower. Pack (see Friday). Do homework with Gavin. Shove edible substance into my and the boy’s throats. Go to Gavin’s soccer practice. Leave soccer practice 20 minutes early to attend First Grade Family Math night in sweltering hot gym (which according to the note home today will mostly be spent on the floor doing math games with the kids. Please kill me now.) Come home. Shower. Read with kids. Go to bed.

Friday, September 26: wake up, work out, pack for school, get kids to school. Finish packing. Watch nephew for a few hours while sister-in-law plays tennis. Leave for St. Louis for a Cardinal game and an UNEXPECTED NIGHT AWAY! Rest assured the children are fine with Grandma and Grandpa. Relax and have fun at the first major league baseball game we have attended since CHILDREN SEVEN years ago.

Saturday, September 27: leave early to attend 12:30 wedding of cousin BACK in PEORIA (3 hours away from St. Louis). Attend 4:00 reception later. No time for work out.

Sunday, September 28: Scramble around to get ready for church after sleeping in from late wedding the night before. Rest. Work out. Unpack. Clean. Shower. Read with kids. Go to bed.

Monday, September 29: Wake up, pack for school, get kids to school. Get ready for Brian’s chemo appointment where we also get MRI results.

Rinse, lather and repeat crazy evening church and soccer schedules until November.

Getting in a blog post doesn’t seem likely for a while. I will update results on Monday, though.

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the savvy source

Okay. So just a quick post to let you know that I have added an ad on my side bar for the Savvy Source. This is a program sponsored by Leapfrog. When I signed up for the program, one of the objectives was to get us to mention it on our blogs. Well, I am totally not comfortable doing that unless I have checked it out first. I am also not one to forward paranoid email junk and other miscellaneous chain letters. I just don't do it. American Heart Association DO NOT CALL ME and ask me to send out letters to 6 of my neighbors. I won't do it. I get those letters from my neighbors and they make me feel guilty. We give. We tithe. We are charitable. I don't need guilt to help me do it. I won't do it to others.

ANYHOOO... I thought, I will mention it on my blog if I can first tell my readers what to expect. So, here is what you can expect. Do the quiz on the left and you will find yourself in a new website with many more questions. Way more than I expected. At first I was put off by it and a bit irritated. But, honestly? I thought, what the hey? So, I did the quiz. Well, part of it. I still haven't finished it. There is a series of around 10-15 easy to answer questions about your child's progress in different areas of developmental progress (language, arts, math, etc.). It is probably only applicable to those of us with children under the age of 9, but more geared towards preschool. So, I did this for the area of Language. When you are finished with an area, it gives you an assessment of your child's progress and then recommends products for your child's level and interests. It was pretty cool because one of the neatest things it recommends IS FREE at-home activities you can do with your child. It was worth it for that alone. I have now completed the math assessment and was impressed at all the activities it suggested and am considering some of the books, etc. that it suggests. You can go back and do another area like art, social skills, etc. as time allows.

So, thought I would mention it to anyone out there that likes to do quick surveys, likes to assess their children's progress and is looking for ways to help stimulate their child. I know with school fast approaching, realizing we have done little to learn this summer, I am looking for lots of extra things to do at home with both boys right now.

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Give a sister some luv

I have a real life friend who recently started a blog. She must be very cutting edge in her writing because she has already received her first negative comment. Well, not exactly negative, but just not all that flattering. It took me many months and a very controversial post to ever get a negative comment. So, I am asking my readers to go check her out. I wanted to direct others to her anyway, so now is my good reason.

Her negative comment arose as a result of her husband's profession. He is in the ministry and apparently because he is in the ministry, my friend has less reason to look out at life and creatively write her vents, observations, etc. This is the hardest part of being a person of faith. Some people assume because I have faith that I must always be positive and donning rose-colored-glass. While I do try, and my friend tries, we struggle with everything in life the way everyone does. Because I am a Christian, some people think I shouldn't have fun, as though I should be sitting around quietly meditating all the time or constantly praying for world peace. Some people think I shouldn't partake in or enjoy sarcasm. I think sarcasm is hilarious - besides Leslie Nielson's literal humor ("This woman needs to be in a hospital." "A hospital, what is it?" "It's a large building with patients, but that's not important right now."), sarcasm is my favorite form of humor. My pastor uses sarcasm occasionally as a source of getting points across and as a way to engage the congregation or to simply lighten the mood. Sarcasm is funny. Sarcastically complaining about life is funny. To me.

There is no commandment that says, "Thou shalt not use sarcasm." or "Thou shalt not complain." or "Thou shalt not ask questions." No, we are encouraged to ask God questions and wrestle with that which we do not understand and that with which we struggle.

However, it is sometimes refreshing to be reminded that as a self-declared Christian, I am wearing a brighter "watch me" sign on my back than most. Many people are waiting for me to screw up and sin and fail so they can be the first to say, "ha, where is your God?" or "That is why Christians are hypocrites." To those people I will say, just wait around, and I promise I will give you reason to say all those things about me. After all, I am human and I will fail. Time and time again. My friend will, too. Being married to someone in the ministry certainly does not provide immunity from life's temptations and struggles. Too Bad. Huh, friend? It would be a lot easier if it did.

That is all for my rant for the day. Stay tuned tomorrow (afternoon or evening - appt at 9:45 with chemo to follow, so a long day) when I update you with Brian's results. Ugh. I hate this TEST AND RESULTS WEEK - test day, the wait, the results....

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The post where Angie takes a stand and loses half her readers (and gets a big Heck Yeah! from the other half)

So this post at Meg’s the other day (Hi, Meg!) made me realize I wanted to speak on this issue.

I am a Conservative. I am a Republican. I am a Christian. I believe in Absolute Truth. I believe in the Bible as the written and perfect word of God. It is upon those beliefs that I base my life. It is upon those beliefs, that I have stances and opinions about controversial and socially relevant topics. The other day at church, our pastor did a message on Elijah. Elijah was a great and powerful prophet of God during a day when the Jews were on the fence about Yahweh-God. Jezebel had helped put forth Baal as god and the Jews were getting confused on the subject. 1 Kings 18:21 "Elijah went before the people and said, 'How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.' But the people said nothing." Silence is not something I feel I can live with. I am called not to be silent, so I choose to speak today on my beliefs on certain issues.

Like these:

Jesus. I believe Jesus is the Son of God. I believe He came to this earth to better help us understand the Father God and to help us find a way to God because we as humans were “missing it.” He fulfilled many prophecies and was crucified willingly for our sins. The Jews did not kill Christ. The Romans did not kill Christ. I killed Christ. I kill him a little every day with my sins. He died to save me from those sins so I could accept Him as God and some day spend eternity with Him in Heaven. I believe that anyone who rejects this will not go to heaven. I know MANY MANY MANY MANY (you get the point) people who do not accept this and I love those people and I am saddened that I will not see them in Heaven. I am sure they think I am as crazy as they are for believing this truth. There is no gray area on this for me. Hell is something that we have sort of glorified in our culture today – as a place where naughty things happen with hot fire and brimstone and pitchfork looking cherubs, but it is still fun. However, what I know about Hell is that it is total isolation and separation from God (aka anything good, pure, righteous, true, happy, loving) and is full of lies, deceit, anger, vengeance, and evil. I do not want to spend eternity there and nothing saddens me more than anyone who will. Nothing saddened Jesus more, either. He did not teach us to wish anyone there. He reprimanded his Apostles for wanting to strike down a city that did not welcome them. Reprimanded them because nothing saddens God more than the destruction of those who have not yet accepted his Truth.

Homosexuality: I am not one of those “not that there’s anything wrong with that” kind of people when it comes to this. I believe it is wrong because the Bible tells me it is wrong. If you don’t follow the Bible, I don’t expect this to make any sense to you. I believe homosexuality is a choice. The same way that getting married or not is a choice. The same way that staying true or not true to that person is a choice. The same way that staying married or not married is a choice. All have their pros and cons and all are easy and hard in their own respects. Now, I have lots of choices and I sin daily, too, so I do not think homosexual people are evil, but I do think they are sinning. I do not hate them. I love the sinner; hate the sin just as I hate my own sins. I am not so naïve to think that some are not more prone to struggling with this. Just as some are more prone to dealing with addiction. Just as I am more prone to struggling with impatience, anger, and yelling. God does not hate me for that and does not teach anyone to hate me for it either. God does not hate gays and lesbians. God loves us all equally. He does not love the black man more or less than the white man. God does not love the pastor more or less than the homosexual. Why would I? Just because I am against homosexuality and I voice that, WHY OH WHY would anyone think I am a hater? If anyone calls me a hater for this, then I respond in one of two ways 1) You obviously don’t know me because I don’t hate anyone for what they do or 2) You must be a hater, too, if you feel the need to say such things about me for having an opinion contrary to yours. If someone says I am close-minded, my response is that they are then equally as close-minded for thinking I am wrong and shouldn’t voice my opinion. What frightens me the most about this issue is that people who have contrary opinions to homosexuality are being labeled as haters and are slowly not being allowed to voice their opinions. I do not think it will be long before we are not allowed to voice this at all in some countries and I find that sad and socially repressive and frightening. I do not choose to avoid the topic of homosexuality altogether (if I watch any sort of network television I cant – Law and Order, CSI, ER, Scrubs, Earl, Office – it’s strewn throughout) and I do not choose to avoid gays and lesbians. I don’t know many, which is true. If I did, and I got along with the person and had things in common with the person, they may become my friend if they could handle that I had a belief contrary to theirs. I would hope they don’t hate me for having my beliefs just as I don’t hate them for having their lifestyle. I just think it is wrong. They think I am wrong. It is black and it is white for both sides.

Abortion. I think this one can be more summed up with some pictures. Meet Kevin at 8 weeks in-utero:

According to our laws and society, Kevin is not considered a human being with any rights at this stage. No, Kevin is an extension of his mother’s body and is her right and her choice, not her child. Kevin’s parents were 19 and 21 when he was conceived and unmarried. Kevin’s parents did not choose to view him as a choice, but as the life he was. They also chose to marry and parent. This is Kevin today at 38.

Does this look like a choice to you or a person? At what point in time from 6-8 weeks in-utero when Kevin could have been terminated to the point at which he was birthed, did he become a person and not an extension of his mother’s body – a choice? If Kevin’s parents had not chosen to give him life, Kevin would never be. Kevin’s 3 kids would never be.

Meet Andrew at 8 weeks in-utero.
Once again, according to our laws and our society, Andrew is not a human being with any basic rights yet, but rather an extension of his mother’s body with which she has any right to handle. Andrew’s parents were both 19 and unmarried when he was conceived. His father was an engineering student and his mother was working full time. Termination of the pregnancy was probably very tempting, however, his parents did not view the above as a choice or a right, but as life. Meet Andrew today at 19:

Andrew is studying Engineering at University of Kentucky. He graduated from high school with a 4.0 and was Valedectorian.

The mother and father that chose life for Kevin, happen to be my mom and dad. Kevin is my brother. The mother and father that chose life for Andrew happen to be Lisa and Kevin, my brother. Andrew is my nephew. If my parents had not chosen life, I would not have the brother I have. If Kevin and Lisa had not chosen life, I would not have my nephew, Andrew. If choice is the voice of reason, shouldn’t Kevin and Andrew have gotten a vote, too? I am going to go out on a limb and venture to guess that there are almost NO in utero babies that would vote for death over a chance for life. Once again this does not mean I hate anyone who has ever had an abortion, nor do I think I am any better. I sin DAILY. I believe abortion is a sin from which we can seek repentance and healing. But, God created every breathing human being differently and the Bible says he knew us when we were in the womb. That life in the womb should have the same basic human rights as those of us out of the womb.

So that about sums up my stand on some very hot topics of today. The reason this came about was because someone named Linda left a comment on Bossy’s post (which I admit grossed me out a bit) the other day stating she was not going to read anymore, she was finished, it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I have no idea what her reasons were. If they were because of a difference of beliefs, then what is so wrong with that? Something tells me if the shoe were dropped differently and Bossy wrote something ultra-conservative and upset some liberals and they said they would stop reading, it wouldn’t have been so controversial and would be considered open-minded and logical. I find a huge double standard in this type of logic and with a lot of liberal beliefs. If you tell me to get the corncob out of my ass from my conservatism, then I will laugh first, toast you with my red wine and tell you to put a band-aid on your bleeding heart from liberalism. I do not consider myself better than you and I hope you don’t consider yourself better than me. We are all equals in the playing field of life.

That being said, many if not most, of the blogs I read regularly are uber-liberal. These people have become my friends and my acquaintances. I find them witty, insightful and hilarious. I find them encouraging and inspirational as well. I love reading Bossy. I love reading Mrs. G, and KatyDidNot and Jenn and Meg, just to name a few, even though I know their political and spiritual beliefs are about as far to the left as I am to the right. I could stop reading them based on this, just as I am sure there will be many that stop reading me based on this today. However, I don’t choose to live in a bubble. I am firm enough in my beliefs to be able to look past and keep reading for the parts that entertain me and inspire me. There are many that are not, though. Either way, is that so wrong?

*cue crickets chirping*

Anyone left?

*cue crickets chirping*

I'm off the soapbox now. I promise to update on Brian again soon - this weekend as he has some upcoming events.

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Not much

I don’t have a lot to say. I have about 5 posts in my head but everytime I sit to write them, they all jumble together and end up being ridiculous. My kids haven’t done or said much funny that I can share or that I remember lately. I already updated on how Brian is doing, except I did forget to mention that he is also suffering from canchor sores in his mouth – another lovely chemo side effect. This is despite the special mouthwashes we have purchased which are supposed to help in alleviating this problem. I already told you about my new priorities. I have little else to say. I have so little to say that I feel the need to tell you how little I have to say. And apparently all this is making me crabby because my kids have been praying for me during bedtime prayers to be a nicer mom tomorrow and Brian tells me a large percentage of what leaves my mouth lately is negative. I am assuming he is not referring to the mucus I am hacking from the cough that has plagued me for the last week. I guess I need to continue to refocus.

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Spring Cleaning

I took a break. A long break from blogging and as much as I would like to say the computer in general that is not entirely true since my break was to take care of some long neglected duties. Part of those long neglected duties included inputting receipts into quicken (since we use our credit card for most everything to earn rewards, but pay it off like a checkbook each month, I track credit card receipts equally as diligently as checks and debits) and updating my calendar for the ever growing number of weddings and graduations this year. We are long out of the "another friend is getting married next weekend" phase of our lives, but we have over 50 first cousins between the two of us and it seems after a long dry spell of weddings and graduations, many have decided that 2008 is THE YEAR! Plus, the kids' school registration packets came home for next year with the 08-09 calendar, so I thought I would be proactive and input holidays and other important dates onto my calendar so I can just have a longer time frame of forgetting about those until the last minute. So, I actually spent A LOT of time on the computer last week. I just didn't blog. I didn't even check comments. Honest. I knew there would be time for that later.

No, I took care of business. I cleaned the house. Thank you for all those that insisted my house was not dirty. The clutter was actually not too bad, but I do not have a macro lens to show you the splatter marks on the ground from spilled chef-boy-r-dee three days ago or the jelly on the kitchen rug or the URINE CRUSTED TOILETS from living with 3 boys. I cleaned them all. Today, the bathrooms are still okay, but the floor looks like I didn't touch it.

In addition, I cleaned out my google reader. As with all cleaning projects, there are some tasks that are meant to be ignored. Some clutter that is best dealt with by shoving it under the bed or simply closing the door. So, like kicking yesterday's breadcrumbs under the rug, I hit 'mark all as read' on over 300 items in my google reader. It felt liberating, but so guilty. I did read some, but I can't read that many each day. Which brings me to my next point...

I can't keep blogging like I have. I think many realized that last week with my 3 posts in 8 days. I actually attended to the stay-at-home mom tasks that God intended for me. I played catch with the boys. I cleaned the house. I made DINNER - healthy, nothing from a box or bag DINNER - MORE THAN ONCE last week. I spent time with Brian at night. I pruned my landscaping. I changed light bulbs. I cleaned up the finances. I got together with friends - living breathing humans. I put ON MAKE UP. I worked out EARLY IN THE MORNING. I read my bible a bit. I EVEN READ PART OF A BOOK THAT DID NOT MENTION STAR WARS OR DIDN'T RHYME. I went to bed at reasonable hours. AND I LOVED IT ALL! This is what my job is and I am good at it when I do it the right way.

So, I will keep reading my fellow bloggers, but I probably won't comment as much or certainly not daily on each. I am allotting myself some blogging time each day, but not to the extent that I was. Spring and summer are here. I want to be outside. I need to be outside. The lawn needs mowed, the flowers need to be watered (and planted), the weeds need to be destroyed, and the kids need playtime. They are with friends most of the day, but occasionally, they still want to play with me and I want their memories to be of me playing with them and not of me on the computer while they still want to be seen with me.

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Life, Interrupted, nearly wordless wednesday

We interrupt this blogging for some important announcements long neglected commitments:

We will resume our regularly scheduled blog as time, weather and guilt permit.

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My blogoversary

So, I just realized today is my blogoversary. One year ago today, I created this humble blog. Back then, I created this blog for one reason: to keep our family and friends apprised of our situation in California last year when we went to Stanford for Brian’s major surgery. We were living in Canada at the time and I needed one way to keep everyone informed without struggling through phone calls or emails when I didn’t have a laptop and my own address book, etc. I had never heard of a blog until about a year prior when my 12 year old niece, Lauren, sent me and her entire address book an email stating, “check out my blog” on Myspace or something. I remember telling her I read it every so often, and she asked why I didn’t comment. Little did I know then that comments = crack to bloggers. So, I tried to use Myspace, but was technologically illiterate to do so and running on about 4 hours of sleep a night in preparation for our surgical trip for which we did not know how long we would say. I googled blogs (why does spellcheck recognize blog, but not google? Do they still not realize that google is a verb now?), and found blogspot. It was easy. In hindsight, if I’d known where blogging would take me, I would have used a different platform to have more comment control to meet the commenters. I can’t believe I am saying that I desire to “meet” the commenters on the blog. It wasn’t until November of this past year that I decided to blog like others. It has been the strangest ride. There is so much about the blog I did not know and expect.

1. I didn’t know how much easier it was to make people come to me instead of going to them for all these years with emails about Brian.


2. I didn’t know I would enjoy the freedom to easily post pictures, videos, prayer request, etc. at different points on the blog to CONSTANTLY keep those that check quickly for an update about Brian apprised of whatever we feel is prevalent.


3. I didn’t know that I would stay in better contact with one of our best real life friends through her blog about her own family. I would never have known how similar our boys are if not for my blog and her blog.


4. I didn’t know how much of an addiction it would become causing me to prioritize and reprioritize my time. However, in all my reprioritization, I never omit blogging completely.


5. I didn’t know how much satisfaction I could receive from other people’s comments. Strangers, family, friends, etc. (what’s left, really?)


6. I didn’t know how many people I could meet that make me laugh out loud every single day with their amazing wit, humor and shenanigans, as well as inspire me.


7. I didn’t know I would meet people like this to whom I am deeply connected spiritually, politically and emotionally, just not geographically.


8. I didn’t know I would find other sites like this that give me practical tips on saving money and living a more blessed financial life.


9. I didn’t know how strange it sounds to non-bloggers: this thing called blogging and all that comes with it, and how difficult it is to explain.


10. I didn’t know I would find so many friends and acquaintances for whom I truly care and about whose lives I really want to know. Real friends that I would meet anyday if I could.


11. I didn’t know I would spend so much time thinking about this blog wondering what to write next and how to word or arrange it, but loving almost every minute of it.


12. I didn’t know I would find ways to acquire FREE things like this, and be blessed with giveaways like this.


13. I didn’t know how much I would come to hate the word “blog.” It is so ugly-sounding for some reason.

My brother and his fiance, Heather, gave me this a couple weeks ago. Couldn't be more true.

For the visually challenged it reads: "Blogland is filled with friends whose faces you have never seen, but have met heart to heart."

So, thank you to everyone that has made this blogging thing so fun, rewarding, inspiring, encouraging, and thought-provoking. Thank you to those that comment. Thank you to those that send me private emails. Thank you to my Lord who continues to bless us through various unexpected avenues in our lives - blogs being one of them.

KEEP BELIEVING