take a compliment

Brian used to say I was terrible at taking a compliment.

When he would delight in something I made for dinner, I would discount it by pointing out how THIS wasn't quite done or I couldn't find THAT ingredient or simply shrug it off as being OKAY.

When he would tell me I was beautiful, which was JUST often enough to be believable, I would dismiss his words of praise by commenting about the spot on my sweater or my smudged make-up or how my hair just didn't cooperate that day or how my pants were too tight or how I had a pimple on my hairline or how I needed to brush my teeth, OR... OR... OR...

And sometimes he would jokingly and sarcastically say, "EW. I didn't notice that. Now that I know that, I take it back. Yuck."

And sometimes he would say, "You are no fun to compliment because you discredit everything I say."

So, over the last two years, I learned to just say, "Thank you. Now kiss me and prove you mean it." MOST of the time, that is. I still discounted the compliments some.

The funny thing is that today I MISS THOSE COMPLIMENTS. I miss being told I am a good cook. I miss being told the house looks nice. I miss being told I am smart and capable. I miss being told I look sexy or even NICE. I miss being told I am beautiful. I cannot begin to tell you how much I crave hearing those words today. When I get even an unsolicited, I LOVE YOU from my boys, it takes me through the day and into next week. Rarely hearing a compliment anymore is one of the most difficult aspects of losing my beloved.

Because when you stop hearing those things, you stop believing those things. I never realized how much Brian was validating me with his words of encouragement and love.

KEEP BELIEVING

that time of month

Dear Brian,

This is so personal that I can't believe I am choosing to write to you about this. I think I am choosing to write to you because even I am surprised by my reaction.

It is "that" time of month for me again right now. Yesterday was the beginning. And you know what? That simple, stupid, regular biological condition makes me miss you so much.

Why?


I have really never missed a cycle in our entire relationship except for when we forced my body to do so during our in-vitro and insemination attempts. I have never been pregnant. I gave up the idea of becoming pregnant several years ago. So WHY THEN would this make me think of you and miss you more?? I can't make sense of it.

Is it because my emotions and hormones are on overload causing me to overreact to everything?

Is it because this biological function reminds me of my own sexuality and the fact that I forever lost my partner?

Is it because it reminds me of the monthly conversation that would ensue after I told you things would have to be "on hold" in the bedroom for a few days because I "started"? You would almost always reply with some sort of sassy "Ah... That makes sense now," or, "Yeah, I kind of figured it was coming" comment to indicate in recent days I had been perhaps less than rational or a bit overemotional. To which I would ALWAYS reply, "Babe, if you THINK I am emotional or PMSing, then it is REALLY UNWISE to point it out." Is it really possible for someone to miss a conversation like THAT?

Is it because this time reminds me of the longing look you would get in your eyes after a few days and the gentle nudge you would give me as you passed by whispering, "Are you close to being done yet?" You always made me feel beautiful, loved and needed. Is it because no one is here making me feel beautiful and loved in an intimate way now?

Or is it simply because it is yet another painful reminder of the fact that despite your absence we cannot stop life from moving on? I can't even stop my own body from moving on.

I don't know the exact reason, but I do know that right now I miss you more than ever. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Painful

Dear Brian,

After a weekend of almost too much activity packed into it with the hope of keeping myself preoccupied enough to avoid the pain of your absence during our anniversary weekend and the first weekend without family staying in the house, this Sunday evening Gavin and I unwound in front of the TV with a video. Our wedding video.

It was painful.

First of all, the quality of the video is so poor it is sometimes nearly impossible to distinguish who is who.

Secondly, the videographer was such an amateur. There is constant background noise, sometimes video of the floor or of the wrong event, etc. The splicing is poorly timed. The focus is in and out. It is awful.

Thirdly, the Catholic service we had was so ridiculously long with every single option thrown in for the sake of hearing another song or adding every bell and whistle possible. To all our guests who were there that day, WE APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING YOU SIT THROUGH SOMETHING THAT LONG!!! It had to be painful for you. I fast-forwarded through half of it, and it was still painful for me.

Fourthly, Gavin was on my right side the entire time asking a constant stream of questions:
Was that when Dad could walk fast?
Is that you in the fat puffy dress?
Mommo looks way different.
Where am I?
Why does Andrew look so mad?
How come the limo we rode to bury Daddy wasn't like THAT ONE?
Why is Mindi pulling on your dress?
Is your finger too fat? Daddy can't get the ring on.
Mom, stop rewinding. I already saw this part (Mindi was fixing my dress again.)
Mom, when are you going to talk?
Why does Dad have a flower on his shirt?
(During the Ave Maria) Mom, why are you and Dad looking at that? Did they make you?
Did you want your dress to get dirty now? (after I was bustled and stopped having someone carry my train)
Did you get married in the 80's?
(After pointing out all the great=grandparents who are now passed) Mom, do ALL great-grandmas and have to die from cancer, too?
Why is Murph marrying Heather? Where is Jen?
When can we watch the other video where you and Daddy talk?

Also, it was painful because your cancer was in your brain that day, but we had no idea. Just 30 days later, we would know it. We had our dreams, ambitions and so much excitement welling up in us, blissfully unaware of the drastic change soon to uproot us. It is surreal to watch us knowing what came next.

Lastly, it is painful because I long for you. I long to be kissed by you. I long to feel your fingers entangle with mine in our comfortable hand hold. I long to hear you breathe. I long to feel your warmth. Even in your failing health, you provided me with a sense of security, safety and protection. I yearn for more of you.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,





I couldn't believe it today. I woke ready to face my next milestone date - our 12th wedding anniversary. I came down to a ready-made programmed cup of Starbucks in the coffee pot, sat down at the computer while the kids were still asleep ready to read some comments from yesterday's post. Then I saw it. Look at the blogroll on the right side of my screen. Do you see it?





KEEP BELIEVING





On a day when I ache to celebrate our love together - our triumphs, our struggles, our perseverance and our devotion through it all, I struggle to live our motto - KEEP BELIEVING.





Then I see that so many I have never even met are mourning with me. They are celebrating with us. They are sending me their love and thoughts and prayers and links. This whole blog world that has introduced me to a new kind of friendship - one that has been very one sided for the last 6 months - continues to amaze and humble me.





And I can find the strength to KEEP BELIEVING.





Here is last year's post I wrote on our anniversary. It made you cry. So few times I saw you break down and lose it. This post made you fall into a heap in my arms declaring your love for me and how lucky you felt to be my spouse. I still think I got the better end of the lucky stick. Even now. Even without you here. :





Brian,11 years ago today, I donned my princess wedding dress in great anticipation of becoming Mrs. Brian O’Neill. 11 years ago today, I stood in front of hundreds of people and God and declared my life-long love and commitment to you, and you to me. 11 years ago today, I became the luckiest woman alive.





One month later, we would find out you had brain cancer. The next 3 years, while we were still newlyweds, would bring us despair, surgeries, chemotherapy, insurance battles, abstinence from sex so we could bank sperm for a possible future family, uncertainty, and turmoil. The next year would bring more chemo, a move, a job change, more uncertainty. The next few years would bring infertility, adoptions, another job change and move.





We would spend our 10 year anniversary in a romantic little restaurant in San Francisco with your brothers by our sides sharing our eclectic dinners because you would be going in for major surgery the next day to remove part of your brain tumor, yet again. This time, we would be warned of the risks of paralysis and speech deficits, just to name a few. Your brothers shared our anniversary because, well, everyone wanted to share that night with you not knowing what tomorrow would bring. The next year would bring more heartache, more struggles and more chemotherapy. We would live our lives from test result to test result, dreading what may come next. We would find ourselves here, fighting every day for balance between normal and battling cancer.





There is no perfect balance.





If someone would have told me on our wedding day what would evolve over the next 11 years in our lives in detail and asked me if I would marry you anyway, my answer would be a resounding, ABSOLUTELY.





You see, if I had all the knowledge of what I just detailed, I would also have known that we would be blessed because of each other. I would have known that I would get the shot-gun seat to your spiritual growth. I would have known that because of you, I would become a better person. I would have known that our trials, while surreal and sometimes horrific, would shape our character by the way we choose to adhere to our bond, believe in an all-knowing God, and respond to the trials. I would have known that we would have a beautiful family of 4, just not in a traditional way. I would have known that you would bring me joy and happiness and love and strength - emotions so raw, pure, and true that they hurt. I would have known that as I watch you in anguish fight for your life every day living in fear of becoming a family without you, you would be the one giving me the strength to know we would be okay. You would be the one consoling me. You would be the one continuing to lift me up telling me, “You can do it, baby. You got mad skills. You got it going on. You are beautiful. You are better than you give yourself credit. I believe in you.” I would have known that every life you touch has a new piece of happiness they didn’t even know was missing – the laughter you bring, the sarcasm, the witticisms, the thoughts you provoke, the insight you provide.





I would know all that and I would want it all again.





I love you with a indescribable passion,
Your ever-adoring wife, Angie

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,

The boys and I are still so curious about heaven. Can you see us? Can you hear us? We hypothesize about it and share our theories. Gavin insists it is full of sand and ponds and houses because he saw a picture in a children's Bible one time. Grant wonders if there is pizza in heaven. I just wonder at the amazing unknown of it all.

The memory of the last week of your life is fading from me. I think I am grateful for that. At the same time, it scares me a bit about how everything else may fade. I look through pictures frequently to keep your smile embedded in my mind. I recap events for the boys of things they did with you and things we did long before they were born in order to keep alive the memories that I know will be nearly impossible for their young minds to retain until their own adult life.

I still refer to so many things as "ours" or myself as "us." I say, "Brian and I" a lot as well. I think that is normal. In fact, I dread the day when it becomes more natural for me to say, "my," "me" and just "I."

I haven't been getting too sad lately. In fact, my lack of sadness is almost frightening to me. Is it denial? It is delay? Is it distraction? Is it just a gradual acceptance of something that I knew was a long time coming? I don't know. I know as I sit and stare at the picture of you and me on my desk next to the monitor it doesn't sting as much as I had anticipated it would nearly one month after your death.

When I do feel sad about something, it is usually regarding the boys - the realization that they lost their Daddy forever. As much I intend to surround them with male role models and I witness our family willing to help out, it just isn't the same. I do ache with hurt that they will not have that closeness and that bond that a father and son share. I will do my best to fill the gaps for them, but I know it pales in comparison. I am just thankful for the influence you had on their lives to this point.

I really am not feeling sad for myself. And do you know why? I know you wouldn't want me to and I know you wouldn't do it for yourself. If this situation were reversed, you would grieve and mourn me with minimal energy focused on sadness and self-pity. No, you would pick yourself back up, grieve more for your boys' loss, and hold onto the happy memories, laughing as often as possible. You would begin to put your life back together. And you would do it with dignity, honor and integrity as you did everything. Your legacy lives in me right now as that is the route I am choosing. You always taught me in your brutally honest manner that my reaction to my situation was a choice. I could choose to wallow away in self pity or I could choose to live and laugh and love and look to Christ. I choose the latter.

I miss you, though, Brian. I do. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

What you can do for us

I would like to start this post off by saying, WOW!!!

As you may or may not know, Brian and I come from large families. Between the two of us, we have over 50 first cousins. FIRST COUSINS. We have over 30 aunts and uncles. We have cousins with kids and kids of cousins with kids. We have friends from all over the country and beyond (eh?). We have a large church. We have groups within our church. We have amazing neighbors. We have co-workers. We are blessed with PEOPLE in our lives. Then there is this whole thing called the BLOGGING world. There are real people I have never met that read this blog and people that we have not seen in years that read this blog. I didn't know the extent of this until just this week. I mean, I knew, but I didn't KNOW, you know?

And everyone wants to know what, if anything, they can do for us. WOW!!!

I am getting bombarded with phone calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, comments, etc. asking what anyone can do.

I am coming to a place in my life that I realize people WANT to do. My mom has told me that if I do not let people DO for me, I rob them of the joy they receive from DOING. So, I am learning to accept help. I am learning that I can ease my burden when I allow others to enter my life and do something that makes them feel good.

In order to help with this difficult time, there are several avenues that anyone can take. Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me.

Practical:

Brian's first cousin Karye Setterlund has agreed to be a contact point for all things practical - meals, errands, groceries, insurance, cleaning, etc.

Here is her contact information if you are interested in helping in any of these areas:

Karye Setterlund

karyes@cmcousa.com

309-691-6930 (home)

309-922-9239 (cell)

I am keeping in close contact with her as needed each day as far as what meals we need (none right now) rides for the kids, groceries, errands, etc. This will ease my phone burden which is heavy some days.

A few tips, though:

• If you bring a meal, disposable dishes are most appreciated. OR please be willing to come back and get your plate - forgiving me if it is not clean when you arrive.


• I don't care about brands on anything unless I specify.


• I do not use any particular brand of laundry detergent - whatever is on sale.


• If we are not home at the time you came for whatever reason right now, it is cool enough to leave just about anything outside for a while. I check the front porch frequently as I find treasure there from little angels frequently.


• Be patient with me and thank yous. I am historically bad at this and right now, I am scatter-brained. Please give your information to Karye so I can thank you properly, though,

Encouragement:

Please know that I am reading the comments. Every last one of them. Sometimes I have time to reply. Sometimes I do not. I am trying, but some days it is overwhelming. The emails coming in for me to relay to Brian - I have to admit - do not always get relayed. I get distracted. I read them, but then delete them to keep the inbox clean and forget the details. If anyone wants to send Brian a specific note, please feel free to email this account we have set up:

brianoneill1972@yahoo.com

Brian's brother, Sean is going to monitor it regularly, print out any and all notes for Brian and bring them to us. A hard copy is still best for ensuring we read these wonderful words together. Or if you would rather send us an actual card or letter, please feel free. You can email the above address and Sean can get your our address or you can email me and I can do it if you don't have it. Every time we get a letter from someone that describes how Brian touched their lives, I see him shrug - like what did I do? I am just being me. I have told him the amount of people he has impacted has surprised even me who knows and understands how amazing he is.

You can continue to send me emails and comments for encouragement. I also facebook (Angie Baer O'Neill) if you are looking for me there. I read every single letter, etc. from everyone. I have to tell you I find great comfort in hearing from other widows. It is strange, but it lets me know that I can do it. That the boys and I will and can be okay. They are also incredibly honest. Something I strive to be. I don't want anything sugar coated.

THE KIDS:

I am trying to keep things as normal for the kids as possible right now. I do not want to shower them with gifts and sweets and other things to ease the pain as I do not want them learning to turn to such things for comfort. I want them to face their fears and grief, address them and work through them with me or whomever else can help them. This is NOT to say that an occasional pack of gum, action figure, video game, trip to the Spotted Cow or a movie isn't a nice gesture. I just don't want it to get overwhelming and I don't want to draw more attention to them than already is. Playdates are good. Letting kids come here on good days keeps things normal for them so they feel comfortable in their own house and letting them know our house is open to friends is important to me. Some days, though, they just need to get out - to get away from the visitors and the hub-bub. Grant is home every afternoon at 11:00, so I think I am going to try to set up once or twice a week playdates with friends and cousins (hello Brody) to give him something else to focus on.

Financial:

Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me, but many of you have asked.

I am in the process of establishing some sort of a fund/trust in Brian's name. I am meeting with a friend/advisor to assist with this on Friday. The fund would be used primarily to help with the children's education and well-being including medical and dental coverage, etc that we will lose in the event of Brian's death. For those of you who don't know, Brian was diagnosed with this disease only one month after we were married, so we have only the life insurance available through his work. Brian and I are very smart and frugal with our money. We live within our means and do not do anything extravagant. This fund would simply allow us to continue to do that for as long as necessary until I could find the right job or pursue the best avenue for employment that is best for the children and me in the event of Brian's death.

My main goal is to keep things stable and secure for the kids. I do not want to make any rash decisions about jobs and moving out of panic. The economy is not the best right now. I would never allow the children to lose this house and our livelihood. I would do whatever it took to maintain that. The generosity that many of you have already bestowed upon us is helping that to be a reality without drastic measure. Mind you, though, I would take drastic measures if need be. However, I know that for the next X number of months or years, my boys will need me. They will benefit from the security of my being the one to get them to school and get them home from school. They will be dealing with not having a daddy around to play sports with and to read to them and to watch them when they learn a new trick or score a goal or catch a fly ball. This breaks my heart and I know it will be painful to them as other dads are helping coach, practicing with their kids, assisting with homework, or simply cheering on the sideline. I want to fill as many gaps as I can, especially in the near term if possible.

I would also like to be able to do charitable things in Brian's name and memory if God allows. We have been blessed a couple times by such organizations and nothing would give Brian more pleasure than being able to bless someone else in our situation some day.

So once again, PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM ASKING FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some have told me they have prayed specifically about this and as awkward as it is for both of us, who are we to deny God's nudging? I prayed for financial provision. I didn't pray for it to be anonymous. I should have been more specific. I think God is trying to teach me something about humbleness and gratitude.

I have to say it again - PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A SOLICITATION FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. PLEASE! Economic times are rough. We are currently blessed. There are many blessing us each day as I write this now. There are many who do not have what we have now, and who will never have what we will continue to have even when Brian does pass. So, I can't shake the guilt of this regardless. Please know, though, that should you feel lead in this way, integrity is not something I would ever compromise in any aspect of my life - financial included. Does that make sense?

Karye is the contact for this as well.

Whew, I said it..... And I lived.... Okay....Breathe....

Visits/Phone calls:

There are so many that want to visit, see or talk to Brian. This is to be expected and we encourage it. You read above that we have large families, so crowds to us are nothing new. Due to this, though, we cannot guarantee that there may not be someone else here when any one person or group is visiting with Brian or me. I like people. I need people, family and friends surrounding me and supporting me. They distract me, make me laugh, comfort me when I cry and fill the gap when I can't make it across the gorge. Please know that if the visits are too much, I WILL SAY SO, so don't feel like you are over-imposing. I will be honest. I will do what is best for Brian, the kids and me. In saying that, though, we have a two story and a basement. If the best thing for Brian is quiet and solitude, but not for me, I can still have visitors retreat with me to the dungeon. I am learning that this process is not just about Brian. It is about all of us.

Okay, back to the point. I will still be the contact person for visits for Brian. Please don't feel like you are overwhelming me right now. Visits during the day are pretty good actually, as Gavin is at school and Brian is more alert. Monday and Tuesday evenings are not good as we have soccer. Any other evening is doable, but we will not overdo this because it also can cut into our family time that we are cherishing right now.

I know weekends are best for many due to work, travel, etc. So, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T COME OVER FOR A VISIT IF SOMEONE ELSE IS HERE. We do not know how much time Brian has remaining and weekends are the only option for many. That is just the way it is. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, just know it isn't coming from us.

AND I WILL SAY ENOUGH IF I FEEL IT IS ENOUGH. I am being honest. I told my girlfriend the other day that I needed her gone by 1:30 because hospice was coming for the first time. I hated saying goodbye to her, but I had to do it. I told some friends the other day that I needed them gone by 12:30. It was hard, but not as hard as the first time. I called a friend and cancelled a dinner plan tomorrow night because I have felt overwhelmed this week. It wasn't THAT BAD. I told my MIL I wanted her to come at 10:00 tomorrow so I could have the majority of the day to myself since Grant has a playdate. It felt good. So, really, I will say enough is enough. I am getting good at it.

Best hours for a visit:

10:00am to 3:00pm

not good: Monday and Tuesday evenings.

Other decent times:

weekends, evenings 4-7 W-F.

Best hours for phone calls:

10:00-4:00 Mon-Tues

10:00 - 7:00 Wed - Sunday

Brian is a man of few words right now. He is having some speech issues so I try to help out as much as possible, but most phone conversations are brief.

That about sums it up. I feel like a pushy, bossy, demanding little thing, but I think this is what people were looking for. If I offended anyone, I didn't mean to, but I can't apologize right now.

KEEP BELIEVING

winter wimps and some theme songs

As you know, I was lamenting that school was cancelled for Thursday due to cold weather. Well, it is also cancelled for Friday even though the temperatures are supposed to reach about 20 degrees higher than today to a balmy 15 degrees F. However, morning windchills are supposed to hover around -30 again. WIMPS. WINTER WIMPS, I tell ya! This blows my mind. Cold becomes a part of your life in Canada. Today, we managed to make it to a crowded McDonalds and the Hair Cuttery (that is really the name). Yet, it was too cold for my kids to stay inside a warm school??? You will not get me to buy into this, so stop trying (I'm talking to you my fellow Illinoisans). I am calling this entire state a bunch of PANZIES!!! I made it CVS, too, to spend my expiring ExtraCareBucks.

Along with my fellow Illinois wimps who can't handle the cold, I would also like to call out a few inanimate objects. Namely our truck who I am pretty sure cursed me for leaving him out for a few hours last night while I freed up the garage for Brian's easier transportation. But, he started, so I forgive him. Also, our van whose windshield wiper fluid is frozen solid and whose power doors will not slide in the cold. I am not afraid of you van! I still can use my hands and open and close doors. Also, my garage door who will not open and shut for me when the temperature gets below a certain temp, as well. Once again, I am not afraid of you, either. I can pull your emergency release cord and use my hands. I'm not afraid to live like our forefathers.

Last evening, we went with Brian's brother and wife to see Spamalot. Brian and I also saw this November 2007 in London. Nothing compares to seeing this British comedy in BRITAIN. One of my fondest memories of our 9 day trip to Europe was the night we went to this show. However, Brian and I have a pretty warped sense of humor and we love the Monty Python humor. Also, Spamalot has some good songs that we should all apply to life. They are songs that seem to fit the way Brian lives every day and we have decided some of these are basically his theme songs:

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

In addition, a little less applicable to most of the world, but in keeping with our warped sense of humor, we like this one for Brian:

Not Dead Yet

Yes, we find things like this funny. We laugh our way through the day as much as possible. We have to. It keeps us sane.

I leave you today with a few memories of our trip to London, November of 2007, and our night out to see Spamalot including picture of us riding the escalators for London's wonderfully easy to navigate TUBE.

KEEP BELIEVING

When KEEP BELIEVING begins to take on new meaning

Yesterday, we heard from the tumor board. The board is suspicious that the growth is more likely tumor and not radiation effect due to some characteristics and something about organization and a few other words that may as well have been, and probably were, in LATIN for all I know. What I do know, is that we were not surprised by this news. We have not seen this much growth in such a short time. The Petscan results are not in yet, but honestly, I would be surprised if they showed anything different. I think Brian would, too.

What DID surprise us was that one of the surgeons mentioned another surgery as a potential option. He said that he thought he could get in and debulk the mass without hampering the motor cortex and without causing Brian much problem. Our next step is to have a conversation with this surgeon. What he would want to do first is map the brain and ensure he was not going to touch or hurt any important areas causing Brian further detriment before he attempted to debulk.

There are a few issues with this. First of all, how likely would this surgery be to cause Brian harm? Because we are being faced with a decision – how much of one’s life is one willing to give up for the sake of living longer? Brian lost a lot of function after the last surgery. He doesn’t want to go through that again. And Brian knows that whatever he wants is okay with me. It truly is. Brian doesn’t want to be a burden. I have assured him that he is not a burden and even with further issues, he would not be a burden to me. I would take care of him if this is what he wants. He isn’t sure if this is what he wants because the second issue is that they are unsure how much long term benefit this will have for Brian. With a debulking of the tumor, the surgeon would be unable to get it all. They will never say they got all of a brain tumor due to its “fingers” unseen by even advanced medical equipment. And it appears the tumor is growing regardless. Would debulking provide much benefit and for how long? Is it worth the risk? There is simply no way of knowing if this would keep Brian here longer or how much longer. It is an agonizing decision. A decision for which I believe there is no “right” answer. Simply a personal choice. It is Brian’s choice. I support him no matter what he decides.

So, Brian and I have begun “the talks.” The talks where I assure him I am not afraid of living without him and he assures me he is not afraid of dying. And I really am not afraid of living without him. I am coming to terms with it slowly. I am angry and my faith is faltering and I am heart-broken, but I am not scared. While that could be the pharmaceuticals speaking on my behalf, I believe it is the peace of Jesus within me. And for Brian, he is at peace with dying. He is not happy with the potential timing and the impact it will have on his children, but the actual process of dying isn’t frightening him anymore. Honestly, the talks are liberating. To be able to openly discuss that which lays heavily on our hearts, but that which we feared would break the other person, without that fear is priceless.

His concerns with dying are the following: Most importantly, he says, he doesn’t want me to lose my faith and he knows that many days I am faltering lately. How tragic is it that the one who is facing his mortality every day is the one reassuring the surviving of the grace of God? He says it is very important to him that my faith stay strong so I can continue to pass that on to our boys because it will be easy for them to stray from faith, too. Secondly, the age of our boys. They are simply too young to have a heart to heart with about the things he wants them to get out of life - the things he would teach them throughout their years and in life lessons. He will most likely not be around to instill values and morals in their adolescent years. That is the one thought that brings him to tears. And I don’t know what to say to comfort him. The hard truth is the boys are very young. They will have little memory of these years, but I will try my damnedest to embed these years into their long term psyche. I know anyone that has been touched by Brian will help me do that. They couldn't help BUT do it.

So, don’t get me wrong, Brian is not giving up. He is going to stay the course with speaking with the surgeon first, weighing that option and then trying a new chemo regardless. We have some tough decisions ahead again. Brian wants to continue to live. It is just becoming more apparent that barring a miracle, which we both know could always happen, Brian’s cancer is growing and we have little remaining weapons. Prayer, which is our strongest weapon, will always remain in our arsenal.

KEEP BELIEVING

Kevin and Heather

Kevin and Heather Baer

Brian and I have a large family with over 60 first cousins between us, so it seems there is always some celebration going on. However, we have been in a wedding drought for a few years. This year was make up year. Brian has 3 cousins' weddings this year and my brother also married this year. He remarried last weekend as a matter of fact. As I attended this wedding and the subsequent celebration, it occurred to me that this is only the second second wedding I have ever attended. Both Kevin and his new wife, Heather, come into the marriage with children of their own. Kevin has Andrew-19, Lauren-15 and Lexie -11. Heather has Mackenzie -nearly 9. I tell you that so as you look at these pictures, if you don't know my family already, you know some details.

Here are some highlights:

The night before:

my dork sister and her husband, Matt.

Andrew and baby Hannah (my new niece)

me and Heather

Grant, Gavin, Andrew, Logan swimming at the hotel

The wedding itself:

Heather given away by her Dad, Gary, and son, Mackenzie.

Most of my pictures of the actual ceremony did not come out as the church was extremely dark. So my pictures are either blurry since I was not on a tripod or they have huge shadows behind the people due to the flash. The ceremony was simple and sweet with an exchange of vows and a pledge from Kevin to Mackenzie and from Heather to Andrew, Lauren and Lexie.

Grant and Logan throwing rocks in the church parking lot. No, that is not the church in the background. It's some trailer in a lot next to the church. It is Kentucky, after all.

Some family pics:

the new merged family
our entire familythe grandkids (Gavin, Andrew, Logan, Grant, Lauren, Hannah, Mackenzie, Lexie)

I was familiar with what kind of pics to expect when you give your DSLR camera to your 5 year old. Here is what you get when you give your DSLR camera to a teenage boy:

I also don't have any pictures of the reception because I instead took several pictures of Heather's family and their friends with Kevin's DSLR for them. I was 'pictured out' by the time the dance started, plus I enjoyed watching Grant play hard to get with one of Heather's cousin's adorable blond-haired daughter. Each time she would show interest in dancing with him, he would run outside to "inspect a sore on his arm." By the time he got over himself, the girl and her family had to leave.

Congratulations to Kevin and Heather!

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My anniverasry seems to be jinxed

So, the time surrounding my wedding anniversary is hexed with lots of less than desirable events. April 19 is the date. It is also the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombings and the Waco, Texas standoff. April 20 is the anniversary of Hitlers birthday and the Columbine High School Massacre (and we were living in Littleton at the time. Many of my co-workers were affected.) Not exactly material for your Great Days in History episode.

This past anniversary would also mark the day of a historical event in my family. Since we believe in doing nothing easily, at 4:15 on my wedding anniversary – an hour and 15 minutes before our reservation, Gavin came in the house crying about his broken wrist. It should be noted here that Dr. Angie who, you will note has no MD behind her name, diagnosed Gavin 2 days prior with a bruised wrist. He explained that he had broken his wrist at his friend’s house while he was jumping off the swing. According to Gavin, he usually jumps 10 feet high, but he jumped 11 feet high this day and braced his landing with his hands, breaking his wrist. Dr. Angie (who has no M.D. behind her name) analyzed the situation. Move fingers, check.. Squeeze my hand, check. Bend hand back., check. Bend hand forward, check. Touch alleged broken wrist area. Pain. Okay, sensitive to the touch, all functions working, diagnosis: Bruised Wrist. We went on our merry way, but Gavin would tell everyone who would listen how he broke his wrist this day for the next two days. What a funny little boy.

So, when he came in complaining of his broken wrist on Saturday, I almost retorted with my now reflex response, ‘bruised wrist’ until I saw the bump. He had been playing in the backyard, had a quick slip, braced himself as usual, and aggravated his bruised/broken wrist. Dr. Angie (who has no MD behind her name) decides upon advice of partners, Dr. Grandma and Dr. Grandpa, to take him to the Prompt Care. We are the only ones there on a Saturday afternoon which is nothing short of a small miracle, and are taken back within minutes. Dr. ,with MD behind his name, sees him minutes later, X-ray right away. I look at the X-Ray and almost call my hubby to tell him we will probably keep that 5:30 reservation, because Dr. Angie (who has no MD behind her name) has once again noticed there is NO BREAK in the bone. The doc with MD behind his name comes back in with his nurse explaining the bone is broken and they will cast it up and we need to follow up with an orthopedic for a permanent cast. Come again? Yeah, his wrist has a fracture, which is more like a buckle in the bone, which is why Dr. Angie (who has no MD after her name) didn’t see it with her untrained eye. Gavin, future MD behind his name, has a temporary cast and we are waiting to hear back from the orthopedic office for an appointment for what I pray will be a waterproof cast.

You can relax for the safety of my family because Dr. Angie (who has no MD behind her name) has had her licence removed and will not even be allowed to play a doctor at home.

P.S. We still had our anniversary night out, everything was just delayed an hour.

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If I would have known... (Happy Anniversary to My Love)

Brian,

11 years ago today, I donned my princess wedding dress in great anticipation of becoming Mrs. Brian O’Neill. 11 years ago today, I stood in front of hundreds of people and God and declared my life-long love and commitment to you, and you to me. 11 years ago today, I became the luckiest woman alive.

One month later, we would find out you had brain cancer. The next 3 years, while we were still newlyweds, would bring us despair, surgeries, chemotherapy, insurance battles, abstinence from sex so we could bank sperm for a possible future family, uncertainty, and turmoil. The next year would bring more chemo, a move, a job change, more uncertainty. The next few years would bring infertility, adoptions, another job change and move. We would spend our 10 year anniversary in a romantic little restaurant in San Francisco with your brothers by our sides sharing our eclectic dinners because you would be going in for major surgery the next day to remove part of your brain tumor, yet again. This time, we would be warned of the risks of paralysis and speech deficits, just to name a few. Your brothers shared our anniversary because, well, everyone wanted to share that night with you not knowing what tomorrow would bring. The next year would bring more heartache, more struggles and more chemotherapy. We would live our lives from test result to test result, dreading what may come next. We would find ourselves here, fighting every day for balance between normal and battling cancer.

There is no perfect balance.

If someone would have told me on our wedding day what would evolve over the next 11 years in our lives in detail and asked me if I would marry you anyway, my answer would be a resounding, ABSOULUTELY.

You see, if I had all the knowledge of what I just detailed, I would also have known that we would be blessed because of each other. I would have known that I would get the shot-gun seat to your spiritual growth. I would have known that because of you, I would become a better person. I would have known that our trials, while surreal and sometimes horrific, would shape our character by the way we choose to adhere to our bond, believe in an all-knowing God, and respond to the trials. I would have known that we would have a beautiful family of 4, just not in a traditional way. I would have known that you would bring me joy and happiness and love and strength - emotions so raw, pure, and true that they hurt. I would have known that as I watch you in anguish fight for your life every day living in fear of becoming a family without you, you would be the one giving me the strength to know we would be okay. You would be the one consoling me. You would be the one continuing to lift me up telling me, “You can do it, baby. You got mad skills. You got it going on. You are beautiful. You are better than you give yourself credit. I believe in you.” I would have known that every life you touch has a new piece of happiness they didn’t even know was missing – the laughter you bring, the sarcasm, the witticisms, the thoughts you provoke, the insight you provide.

I would know all that and I would want it all again.

I love you with a indescribable passion,

Your ever-adoring wife, Angie

The Princess and her Bling

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, a little girl named Kim at Jogging in Circles awarded Angie some blog love/bling. Angie was delighted to see her name on Kim's site as Kim is a daily read of Angie's and feels very connected to her new friend constantly finding new things in common. However, an evil spell fell upon Angie and she completely forgot to pick up the award, acknowledge the award, SPEAK of the award, let alone pass on the award. Recently, the evil spell of forgetfulness was broken from Angie and she is now posting this award for all the blogosphere to see before she rides off into the sunset and lives happily ever after.




Angie is passing this award to MamaGeek at What Works for Us because the amazing photos Mamageek takes make Angie seethe with amateur photographer envy smile. LOTS.
Angie is also passing this award to Ya...About That because of the wonderful insightful comment she left on Angie's post about not being so good at taking help and because she just smiles whenever she reads Mommica. Every time.



The evil forgetfulness spell was lifted from Angie by Jenn at Juggling Life, when Angie found herself the recipient of not one, but two more awards this weekend from her good blog friend and daily read. A bling award and a REAL award. She won a book. A real, touchable, turn the pages book. She will have to see if she remembers how to maneuver through one of those since mostly all she reads these days are blogs in her spare time. Angie hopes Jenn doesn't disagree with Angie's plan for the book, but when she is finished, she plans to pay it forward to the Central Illinois Cancer Center's book borrowing center. Since Brian and someone he loves, whether it be Angie or his family, will be spending a few hours every two weeks in the cancer center, Angie thinks she may have some more time for some reading, so this comes at a very opportune time. Jenn insists it was truly random and that it wasn't fixed out of guilt for the pity party Angie threw for herself ALL. LAST. WEEK. (Angie would like to interject here that she enjoys commenting on Jenn's site ever so much more now that Jenn removed the awful, terrible, word verification.)



The bling award from Jenn is this:



Which could not be more appropriate since Angie is surrounded by all things dirty and disgusting to her, yet hilarious to little boys. She needs all the princess/girly stuff she can get, and she is pretty sure this tiara is the perfect size.

Angie is passing this award to two beautiful ladies, who also had bad weeks last week.
1 Heather at 3 boys under my roof because she is also surrounded by boys and needs some princess flare.
2 Damama T because she has become a great mentor to Angie even if she doesn't realize it.
3 One more who didn't have such a bad week, but is surrounded by boys, needs her own tiara and is one of the funniest ladies Angie has ever read. JUNE CLEAVER NIRVANA.



In Angie's real life kingdom, her prince and husband, Brian will be starting his latest quest to slay the dragon named brain tumor with a new sword and shield called chemotherapy. Brian will spend hours at the cancer center every other Monday, so he is training with his IPod and tunes. Since Brian's latest IPod holds 160 gig of whatever the heck Brian pleases, Brian has been spending some time arming his IPod with as much as possible and asked his princess, Angie, to help him find good photos for him to load. Pictures of Angie and the boys and the family in general. Since Angie is the only one who uses the camera and downloads photos, she obviously isn't in any of the photos and is the only member of the kingdom who knows the secret hiding places of the best photos because there are hundreds of undeveloped pictures in all kinds of folders cluttering up the computer. When lovingly teasing her prince, and asking what he was going to do with the photos, 'ogle and browse through pictures of Angie and boys all morning?' the handsome prince replied, "Well, yes, actually, that is the primary reason as to why I am there going through this, so it would be neat to have pictures on my IPod to browse through reminding me while I listen to my tunes getting this stuff, " reminding the princess, Angie, why she fell in love with and married this amazing prince all those years ago.



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The evolution of romance in my marriage

I received a comment from Christina on Monday’s post about the night Brian was diagnosed. I was amused by her comment because while moved by the whole story, she highlighted the sentence about our shower together and ended the comment with, Ahhhh, Newlyweds. I contemplated omitting that part of the story, but it was such a part of who we were then. We even received a gift basket from a friend of Brian’s parents that summer with all kinds of lotions and soaps because, “we heard how much you like to share the shower.” We used to shower together all the time. We washed each other’s backs and made sure the other still had a spray of hot water even when we were rinsing our own hair.

Today. NO STINKING WAY. Get out of my spray zone you hot water hog. It’s my turn to rinse. I have soap in my eyes. Your pits still smell, wash them again. YOU get out and dry with YOUR towel first, I will stay in the stall and dry off.

Sort of lost it’s romantic luster somewhere.

How many other romantic and simple gestures have we lost in the hullabaloo of life and marriage? ThirteenLots.

1. Then: Long conversations that lasted well into the sleeping hours of the night. Now: Brian says my superpower is the ability to fall asleep within minutes of my head touching the pillow. I’m gifted.



2. Then: Flowers and jewelry as a gesture of love. Now: Ummmm. Hon? The budget… We need to save towards a new washer and dryer to replace these that probably have about 3 years’ useful life remaining.



3. Then: Staying in bed late into the day while sleeping in, reading, and fooling around intermittently. Now: Reality = children.



4. Then: Sexy = lights dim, soft music, me in a skimpy negligee. Now: Sexy = Lights bright, loud vacuum cleaner pushed by him in an apron.



5. Then: Weekend getaways to the mountains. Now: Weekend home repair projects that ACTUALLY get finished.



6. Then: Sharing a twin bed while spooning. Now: Considering a king size bed lest I actually feel human flesh next to me during my precious sleep.



7. Then: Shopping together, browsing through aisles, glancing at the window displays, taking our time. Now: Shop separately for the things each knows best. No. Matter. What.



8. Then: Ideal night out = nice restaurant, taking 2 hours to eat, bottle of wine, a show or live music somewhere afterwards. Now: Ideal night out = any night away from the kids with free babysitting so we don’t have to watch each tick of the clock add up to $$$.



9. Then: Taking care of our bodies, doing our best to stay looking buff and trim. Now: Sucking in our guts when walking past the mirror and boasting that we still got it, careful to avoid the wrong angle lest we be humbled by love handles.



10. Then: Staying up together watching the late show or late movie. Now: Watching the DVR’d late show or movie at 8:45 as soon as the kids are in bed so we can get to bed earlier.



11. Then: Sharing an entrée (whatever he wanted) at a restaurant while I nibbled on my appetizer. Now: HA! I’m not sharing my meal and I am NOT compromising on what I am ordering. This is MY NIGHT OUT FROM COOKING, DAMNIT!



12. Then: 3 of the best words = I love you. Now: 3 of the best words = You were right.



13. Then: Mortified or at least slightly modest about any bodily functions the other might witness. Now: Finishing our sentences mid-burp while, sadly, the other understands the sentence.
    
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Proposals and Weddings - Miracle Monday

This week, I continue the stories of the miracles in the lives of Brian and Angie. Two weeks ago, I spoke of how we would first meet. Last week, I outlined how our relationship developed. This week, I will detail Brian’s proposal and our wedding.

We left off with me in Denver, working for Lockheed Martin and Brian in Chicago working for Caterpillar. My time in Denver was crucial for my growth, my confidence and my soul-searching. It was here that I truly realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Brian in a healthy way, not the co-dependant-save-me-from-this-town way, rather the I-am-better-because-of-you way. I didn’t care where his job would take him. I wanted to be with him, have a family with him and grow old with him. We continued our long distance relationship for almost a year. Well, 8-1/2 months actually, but I don’t keep track of unimportant details like that. There were many occasions in which I thought a proposal was appropriate, but every time we would have our monthly rendezvous, I would do the walk of shame into the office that Monday with MANY inquisitive glances at my left hand. I wanted to be with Brian, but quite frankly, this non-committal weekend jet-setting was getting old….and ….expensive. Brian still does not understand this concept – I want to be with you for the rest of my life, but I am not willing to wait around much longer. He is SO MALE!

July 4, 1996, Brian and I went to a concert at Red Rocks amphitheatre –one of the best outdoor venues in the country. It was Blues Traveler and it was awesome. We sat up high enough to see the fireworks in the distance over the geologically natural rock stage as the band kept the tempo lively American and John Popper jammed on his harmonica. Brian’s plan was to propose to me that night – under the stars, watching live music (one of our favorite pastimes) with fireworks in the distance. One big problem – I had WAAAAYYYY too much to drink. Not my finest hour. He kept the ring in his pocket all night; paranoid of being pick pocketed by the concert crowd and watched his intended fiancée foil his plans. He had the discernment to wait. The next day, we donned our roller blades and journeyed down the Platte River trail to the Cherry Creek trail for a full day outing. The weather was amazing – hot crisp July sun, joggers, walkers, bikers and roller-bladers sharing the trail smiling knowingly at each other delighting in the splendor of the day. Then in rolled the afternoon thunderstorms. We sought shelter under a local Chevy’s outdoor veranda for a margarita and some chips and salsa enjoying the electric display dancing across the sky. Eventually, we made our way back to my apartment. I was busily doing laundry and prepping my apartment for my parents’ visit the next day. Brian was on the 3X6 concrete balcony veranda asking me to join him watch the sunset. “Just a sec,” I brushed off his request. “Hey, bring your wine, too,” he told me. Finally, I stopped cleaning up, grabbed my champagne glass (full of uber-sweet Asti Spumante – we were 24 year old beer drinkers normally, so nothing but the finest for us), and walked straight into the closed screen door spilling half my beverage down my shirt. Holding back his laughter, Brian asked me to marry him at my apartment on July 5, 1996 at 8:30 pm. I said yes at 8:30:07pm.

the only picture I have from the day we were engaged - my lily white Irish fiancee-to-be who was probaby a shade of crimson by the end of the day in that mile high sun

I joke that while in Denver I became completely irresistible so Brian proposed with a huge rock to snatch me up before anyone else could. But that sounds so caddy and inappropriate, so I won’t say that here. In reality, Brian had ensured he paid the ring in full before proposing.

After informing our families and deciding on a St. Louis location, we set a date for April 19, 1997. There were so many blessings associated with our wedding. I am fortunate enough to have amazing parents who paid for nearly the entire wedding. Brian and I were both Catholic with very large families and we had a HUGE wedding. We had 5 bridesmaids and groomsmen, 2 candle-lighters, 1 jr. bridesmaid and jr. groomsman, 1 flower girl and ring bearer, and 3 ushers, making it just short of ridiculous. Since it was MY wedding, it was not ridiculous. During our engagement, Brian was transferred back to Peoria for a 6-month assignment before his first field assignment. This was a Godsend because he was able to live with his parents for a few months, saving enough money to pay cash for our honeymoon and for a sizable down payment for a house – wherever that may be.

Five months prior to our wedding day, Brian’s dad, Ed, was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. He had surgery followed by a series of interferon treatments. The interferon made Ed very ill and fatigued. He was able to take a small break from treatments during our wedding time and had plenty of energy and Ed-good-cheer for the event. A week before our wedding, Brian’s mom, Jan, suffered from a spider bite causing a strange rash and swelling infecting half her face. She had to sleep upright up for the infection to work its way out of her bloodstream. It was gone by the wedding day. 10 days before our April wedding, there was an unusual cold spell in the Midwest dumping over a foot of snow in Illinois and Missouri. The night of our rehearsal dinner (the best ever at Mike Shannon’s across from Busch Stadium – Go Cards!) there was a major thunderstorm dumping hail and inches of rain on the city. The day of our wedding, the air was crisp with all the signs of Spring – tulips, green grass, abundant sunshine, and a fantastic 70 degrees. It was a day kissed by angels. Here are some pictures. Notice my enormous veil & puffy-sleeved princess-dress that I loved, still love and would pick out again today (maybe)

our quaint little wedding party

All during our engagement while Brian was in Peoria, IL and I in Denver, we knew Brian would be transferred to his first field assignment shortly after our wedding. We did not know where this would be. There were MANY options all over the country. Brian, naturally, lobbied for any Denver location, but there could be no guarantees – it would be dependant on availability and Brian’s skill set compatibility. Once again, God shined upon us providing an opportunity in Denver opening in May 1997. In early March, Brian was told he was assigned to the location. It was such a blessing. He traveled to Denver on company-paid trips for house-hunting and training. I could keep my well-paid job at the company I loved doing what I enjoyed for the time being – 3 years or so was our guess. 3 years seemed like a nice time to stay career-oriented until we started a family. Brian would move into my apartment the week after our honeymoon and we would close on our house the end of May. It was the perfect beginning to our fairy tale.

So we thought.

Next week:
Brian is diagnosed

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If you want to read other miracles this Monday, visit Beth at A Mom's Life.

One more reason I love that man of mine

One of the residual problems Brian has as a result of his surgery in April is difficulty speaking. He knows exactly what he wants to say, his mind says it correctly, but the words simply DO NOT come out his mouth the way he intends. It is called expressive aphasia. For instance, if he is trying to say ‘electricity,’ he might say something like “lecture”, then “sickle”, then “locknew,” until he finally says, “the thing that gives us power.” I usually know what he is trying to say by the second try, but I always urge him to say the intended word. Even when he tries to “Porky Pig” (Brian’s expression, not mine) himself out of it like the above example, I encourage him to say the word, if only repeating after me. This is therapy. It didn’t start like this, though. When we first returned from surgery, I finished his sentences often and spoke the word I knew he was struggling to spit out.

Recently, I found myself saying the word for him again and I apologized.

It’s alright. I am getting pretty used to it.
From me?
No, everyone else.
At work?
Yeah and everywhere.

We discussed his speech and the complexity it brings to his career. It occurred to me that unless you know the background to Brian’s situation, you would think he is not as intelligent and he can’t find the words. That is NOT at all the situation, but I could see men in the workplace unjustly inferring this. Brian NEVER comments whether this may be so nor ever assumes it this way. That was just the way I could see it occurring.

Me: So you find that people finish your sentences for you often at work?
Brian: That and other things.
Me: Like what?
Brian: Well, in the workplace, since I have had to sit back and listen more now instead of speak up, I notice that sometimes people simply talk a lot and will occasionally talk over me before I am finished, or that I can’t get in my points when I want.
Me: That must be frustrating for you, eh, babe? (1/2 empty)
Brian: Well, it could be, but I look at it as a good opportunity.
Me: How’s that?
Brian: Well, as I get better with speaking and when I get my speech back, I have learned a lot by listening about when to speak and not to speak and how to use less words. I also think that as a result of this, I have learned to be a lot more intentional in my phrases. I really think about exactly what I want to say. I write down my thoughts during meetings since I can’t interject, so I listen instead of thinking about what I want to say all the time. When I do have something to add, it is very concise. (1/2 full) I think that will really help me when I am over this. (I paraphrased some of this since Brian tried to Porky Pig his way through a few words.)

I LOVE THIS MAN!

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No Prince Charming

I am finding as I blog more regularly about this and that, there is a lot of power in having these keys at my fingertips and a few people who seem to have a remote interest in what I am writing or at least some sick curiosity. I see how easily it can hurt or cause an undue reaction such as this one:

Brian has been back to work full time for a while now. He has responsibility for a job that a recent retiree vacated, so he does not necessarily read my blog every day. I ask him if he reads it every day that I post, mostly so he knows there is something to read if he wishes. He didn't read it most of last week. Then, on Thursday, he said to me:

Brian: "What's this 'I'm not romantic?'"

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Brian: "Your blog said I'm not romantic."

Me: "Oh, you read my blog?"

Brian: "Yeah, What do you mean 'I'm not romantic?'"

Me: "You're not."

Brian: "I'm romantic. I rub your feet."

Me: "That's part of my compensation for caring for your children and part of your duties as husband."

Brian: "The thing is, you don't want that romantic stuff anyway,"

Me: "I don't?"

Brian: "No. When I try to do that stuff, you tell me that's not what you want."

Me: "Well, then you are doing it wrong. What girl doesn't want to be a princess here and there?"

This conversation made me think about two things. First of all, you can easily be misunderstood; therefore, hurting someone's feelings/pride/dignity with a blog if you are not careful. So, to Brian, "I am sorry if I offended you, but get used to it. I am a blogger now and you and the kids are my primary topics. Just kidding. I will try to get your permission if I am going to write something that I think maybe puts you in a negative spin. This particular blog I did not think was negative. "

Secondly, what is romance? This is so different for everyone. I knew what Brian meant as soon as he said that I tell him it is not what I want. He is referring to expensive gifts. He is right. I don't want that. To Brian, buying me jewelry and flowers is incredibly romantic. To me, it is a use of our money on something very impractical and expensive, and I would rather do something else with the funds. To me, our last Saturday of being shut-in with the kids and a cozy fire and no distractions was romantic. To him, it was a fun alternative to a day of plans gone awry, but not romantic. So, we talked about our definitions of romance.

Here are some things we find romantic.

Angie:

quiet time together

sitting on the same sofa (instead of Brian in his la-z-boy)

holding hands

dinner for two (if HE gets the babysitter and reservations)

a card or note placed where I will find it unexpectedly

gentle rubbing/back-scratching that doesn't HAVE to end in s__.

a note in my anniversary/birthday/valentines card instead of a quick 'Love, Brian"

inexpensive flowers without a vase (I have too many vases that never get used)

filling up my car

vacations/time away

hearing why he loves me

a bottle of wine next to a fire

chocolates

compliments

seeing him dressed up sharply

sitting together watching the kids play

bluesy/jazzy/big -band-type music

Here is what I surmised that Brian finds romantic:

Brian:

hugging/rubbing/massaging/touching

time with me without kids

anything that leads to s__

buying me gifts

So you see, I have a much different view of romance than Brian. I think time can be incredibly romantic even if kids are around. To Brian, this is competition for my attention. He didn't say that exactly. I am opining here. I think that lots of men think that romance can only be obtained if children are not around. They rarely get their wives' undivided attention because it is so focused on the immediate and plentiful needs of the children. Regardless, it is difficult for someone to be romantic towards you if you never tell them your preferences.

I was wondering what you find romantic. Take the poll if you have a second or two.

By the way PARIS! VERY ROMANTIC for both Brian and Angie!

Montmarte, an artist village in Paris

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