college

Today, Gavin excitedly entered the kitchen as I was preparing breakfast on this President's holiday ready to tell me something. He announced, "Mom, I am not going to go to college." He has told me this before, and I believe in promoting higher education without forcing it upon my kids. A skilled trade or some sort of technical training would also allow them a very respectable living some day and not everyone in our world has or needs a college education. So I inquired why. He explained, "I am going to stay home and go to college instead. I know how. You do it online in your pajamas."



I think it may be time to limit TV viewing again.

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soo... it's been a while...

Wow. May 17th was the last time I wrote. Really??  Kinda hard to believe considering this was such a staple in my life a year ago.


So many people from so many different areas of my life read this blog – Brian’s family, the boyfriend, my family, my friends, Brian’s coworkers, his friends, etc. Moving on with life and trying to be sensitive to so many different people’s feelings, grief and concerns makes finding a topic to write about difficult at best.

I will tell you some things that have been going on in the last two months.

Grant’s tube surgery went fine, but he currently has an ear infection. It is draining out the ear which is what the tube is designed to do, but it is keeping us out of the pool during this very hot week. I talked with Grant’s teacher at the end of school. She said he finally started to come out of his shell and talk more openly in class including talking about Brian. Grant does not AT ALL like to be singled out for being different. Having a daddy that is dead makes him very different. She said that many of the children asked questions about his daddy in heaven and he told them he died from surgery. She interjected that it was cancer and he said surgery and cancer were the same thing. This makes me so sad – no wonder he was so afraid of the surgery.

Grant is like a different kid since school has been out. Admittedly, I have not been encouraging much time spent on academic or learning activities like flashcards and reading. We have been at the pool, watching TV, playing Wii and at baseball. He really just hates school. I am having him evaluated soon to determine if he has some sort of attention issue or other factor contributing to his dislike of all things school related. I just want to help him and learn how to better keep my cool given his attitude.

The boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. I have no doubt that someday he will make someone very happy, but we are just wrong for each other in the way we handle, approach and respond to life, adversity, and relationships. Not to say that either of us is wrong or right, but just different and for the long term – incompatible and probably a recipe for resentment. That’s all I have to say about that.

Gavin has declared he is skipping high school. Upon further investigation into this declaration, it stems from a discussion we had in recent weeks in which I told him that in high school you will take showers in front of other guys after P.E. I told him this in an effort to get him to stop freaking out so much about his brother or a friend that spends the night seeing his privates for a brief second. It completely backfired and now he is petrified of high school. I told him by the time that comes around he won’t care anymore and he will WANT to take a shower because he will like girls again by then and girls like boys that smell good.

I defrosted my deep freeze today for the first time in 2-1/2 years. It was all frosted up, but it still worked. It was my sister who explained it could break if I didn’t get the ice off the coils that finally led me to defrost it. It wasn’t even that much of a pain in the butt. Only mildly. I have to put the seafood and chicken back in it now. My hands got cold after handling the beef.

That's it for now!

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random bits of life

It's been a while, so I thought I would write a few things about life around here.


I didn't realize how long it had been until I had someone a day or two ago tell me they hoped all was well with Grant's finger. I realized that the last post I wrote left everyone hanging on a thread regarding our spring break and Grant's bone trauma. I am sure you have all lost tremendous sleep over this.

1) Grant's finger issue was pretty minor. We got in to the see the ortho before we left for our trip. Ashamedly, I cried a bit when they told us it would be a couple day wait, and I asked if it was okay if we just waited 5 days til we returned. They got us in that afternoon. The probably thought they should see the kid whose crack mom didn't believe he broke the finger in the first place and is now prioritizing their trip over his appointment. The P.A. who saw Grant said he couldn't even see the break from the first x-ray. The side view showed it, but it was so minor. Literally, he took a piece of latex, surgical, first-aid type tape and taped it to the finger next to it. He told us to do that for 3 weeks. We don't even need to follow up. Thank the Lord we got in before our trip or it would have been a long 5 days of keeping that finger clean and dry in that splint.




2) Our trip was only delayed a couple hours. We drove through a major thunderstorm system for about half of our 5 hour trip dropping torrential amounts of rain on us. We made it, though. We spent a couple days in Kentucky visiting my brother and his family. Then we went to my mom’s for a couple days, doing things like this:

3) The boyz were ALL ABOUT the youth sized 4-wheeler this time. My dad had it running really well. It was starting on the first try and it seemed like 1 of the 2 of the boyz was on it at all times. They put some serious miles on that thing Friday and Saturday UNTIL... Gavin rolled it into their lake. FOR REALS. FREAKED ME THE EFF OUT! It was in shallow water and he totally could have been pinned if he had reacted differently. I still get shivers down my spine to think of what could have happened. Gavin went for a little swim, I guess, as he was drenched from his helmet to his Heely's. I have never experienced two such broad spectrums of emotions simultaneously - pure relief he was okay and pure anger that was so careless.



4) My dad got the 4-wheeler running again a few days after we left. That man can fix anything. Always has been able to. We have always loved that about our dad!



5) Still dating the same dude. He's nuts about me and thinks I'm awesome and hello? of course he's right. And he's met my boyz - seen Grant as his near worst and tolerated Gavin's know-it-all-ness and "you-guys-should-just-get-married” comments - yet he continues to stick around, so I think he's pretty awesome, too.



6) Gavin had a trash-is-in fashion show to celebrate earth day today. He wore a newspaper hat and a bunch of snack food boxes all over his body. He looked like an idiot compared to some kids whose parents taped and fastened gift bags and newspaper and grocery sacks and boxes to resemble shirts, dresses, pants, belts and accessories. His mom must not love him as much. Or his mom just gets burned out on homework. Take your pick. Technically speaking, though, they all looked like idiots. They were wearing garbage for clothes.



7) Grant's hearing issue continues. He is getting tubes May 19th. He was very excited at first because he heard the scheduler tell me it would probably be a good idea to let him eat late on May 18th because he can't have anything after midnight. He heard, "Keep Grant up til Midnight and let him have a midnight snack." I told you his hearing is messed up. I humored him and told him that yes he could have a midnight snack on May 18th. He bragged about this to Gavin when Gavin got home from school that day. The next morning, the reality of the SURGERY part of the equation hit him, and he cried and had a tummy ache because he doesn't want to get tubes in his head. I think he is over his fear for now.



8) What would have been my wedding anniversary came and went with absolutely no fuss and almost no mention whatsoever this week. That was pretty nice.



9) There is a major detour on the main road leading to my neighborhood. The road is closed for several months about 1/4 mile before my street and reopens about 1/8 mile before my street. I have to drive over 3 miles out of my way through several stoplights and stopsigns to get into my neighborhood. That closed road is the road to school, the gym and my main route into town thus causing me much pain-in-the-butt-edness. I'm OVER it and it has been closed for all of 10 days.



10) 5 weeks of school remain from TODAY!  I consider this a good thing.



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higher education

When discussing the importance of school now for jobs later with Grant the other day, Gavin jumped into the conversation:

Gavin: No, Grant, you just have to get married.
Me: What do you mean?
Gavin: Yeah, I'm gonna get married some day and make my wife go to work.
Me: Really?
Gavin: Yup, we're gonna have kids and I'm gonna stay home with the kids.
Me: Don't you think maybe you'll want to go to college to get a job so you can make money so your WIFE can stay home with the kids?
Gavin: No. And I don't have to go to college. I already know everything.
Me: Whatever. And you DO NOT know everything.
Gavin: Yes, I do. I don't need to go to college cuz I already know so much.
Me: You don't know how to do surgery.
Gavin: They do surgery in college?
Me: No, but you have to go to a lot of college to learn how to do surgery and you don't know how to do surgery, so you don't know everything.
Gavin: I'll marry someone who does.
Me: (under my breath) If you marry a surgeon, you can stay at home with the kids. Well done.

+

=

I'm thinking it might be time for me to think about going back to work some to show my boyz I'm educated and set an example that school is important in the life ahead of them.

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two steps forward, one step back...

I don't know if you have noticed or not, but to me when I read over the last 7 months of posts, I notice a slight trend in the overall mood of this blog. As I read, I notice that the first several weeks after Brian's death were full of, "I don't feel like doing this" mentality. My mentality is changing a bit to not wanting this for anyone else, to understanding that it does get easier, to simply forcing some mood changes at home.

The forced smiles are working. Strange therapy, I realize, but honestly, I have heard enough sermons on the topic and been in enough Bible studies to know that there is JOY to be claimed even when your heart is hurting and your whole body doesn't feel like rejoicing. JOY is still abundant. And Christ wants JOY in our lives. You can still have joy even if you have a bad marriage. You can still have JOY even if you are fighting illness. You can still have JOY even if you are oppressed and mistreated. You can still have JOY when you have been told you are dying. And you can still have JOY when what you thought was your future left this world without you 7 months ago.

(one step forward)

In the past 6-8 weeks, since around the second week of September, my mindset has been shifting a bit. I have started focusing more on what lies ahead instead of what just happened. I find my thoughts looking more towards my potential future rather than mourning the future I had planned - one that included Brian.

(one step forward)

The kids and I are in a better routine. The schoolwork is probably the biggest challenge. Honestly, they both struggle a bit - especially Grant right now. That is very difficult for me because I lack patience in this arena. I am praying for patience and gentleness in this aspect of my life so I can be a better teacher and mom to the boys since this will be a huge part of their lives for years to come. Honestly, I get Grant so frustrated with my lack of patience, that he sometimes claims he wants to go back to Kindergarten. My problem is that I never really struggled in school. I didn't have to work hard for many years and when I did, if I just applied and practiced and did some homework problems, I pretty much "got it." (except Dynamics [shudder]). So, I don't "get" "not getting it." Clear as mud? That's what I thought. I've had a couple friends offer to work with Grant independently, so pending the outcome of his conference on Thursday, I may hold them to that offer.

(one step back)

Still, other than the homework, the boys and I are finding our groove. I have implemented a 'no screens' rule (video games, computer, TV) on Mondays-Thursdays. There is no Spongebob to compete with teeth-brushing time in the mornings. They come home and do homework immediately with no ICarly tempting them in the background. And they PLAY with TOYS in the evenings. Well, sort of. They usually set them all up in some sort of never-ending war of the worlds they have created in the basement. A war that makes it very difficult to get from point A to point B. Point A being the bottom of the stairs and Point B being ANYWHERE IN THE REST OF THE BASEMENT due to their elaborate traps, battle zones, MASH tents, headquarters, etc. I do love watching their imaginations at work, but I do LOATHE the resulting mess.

(one step forward)

The boys are almost finished with their counseling sessions. The counselor thinks we have done a great job in processing their grief, which is obviously ongoing, and are equipped to continue. I, strangely, was more worried about Grant who seemed to suppress his emotions a bit in the last several months - since mid-summer. The counselor suggested that he did not see anything alarming in Grant, rather that perhaps Grant was farther along in his grief process. Last week, during Grant's session, he finally spoke of Daddy. He claimed, as he does to me all the time, that he does not miss Dad. This initially broke my heart when he made this proclamation to me this summer. Still, he told the counselor again he did not miss Dad. And upon further discussion (through a game) he told the counselor that his Daddy wasn't hurting anymore. It must have been very difficult for Grant to come home from Kindergarten every day at lunch time last year and watch his Daddy - his male role model, his protector, his human superman - slowly deteriorate. Kids in essence want their parents strong and happy. Anyway, Grant was able to process what was happening to Brian as he witnessed it first-hand with me last Fall and Winter. And he has come to terms with it as being okay for him and okay for Brian. In the end, that is the place we all need to be.

(one step forward)

I do miss Brian immensely right now. I miss the laughter he brought to my life with his sarcastic, dry, witty comments. He was great at a quick one-liner. And he thought I was funny. To get a laugh these days, I have to do things like this: While Gavin was practicing typing his spelling words last week (another medium we try to use to change up the mundane task of printing the same 15 words 4 days a week), I took MY turn. I printed the words: "Gavin is a poopy head." Which had Grant in stitches. Then I typed: "Grant is a fart-face." Which had Gavin in stitches and opened a can of worms I wish had stayed sealed shut with what they continued to type the rest of the evening. Still, that is the level to which I have to resort to get a laugh.

(neither forward nor back, or is that just back??)

Also, I miss having a driver. I have been to my parents' (4 hours one way) twice since the last weekend of September. This past weekend we went to Indiana to see McKenna get baptized. (4 hours one way) This weekend, we are going to Paducah, KY to see Kevin, Heather and the kids in their new house (at least 5 hours one way). In two weeks, I am going to St. Louis (3 hours one way). All that driving and being the only driver gets really old. I long to be a passenger again - reading, taking care of snacks and movies for the kids, channel surfing or manning the IPOD, telling Brian he is driving too slow, complaining about the route Brian chose, you know, all that kind of passenger stuff...

(one step back)

Also, I miss Brian's touch. Oh my LORD, how I miss being touched by him. I miss simply holding his hand. I miss his warmth next to me at night and intertwining our feet while we slept. I miss resting my head in his lap on the couch while he played with my hair. I miss snuggling in the crook of his arm. And yes, I mean I miss his touch in every other way your mind is taking you right now. Holy Cow, if someone could just tell me how to shut this off, I would really appreciate it. Honestly, I PRAY for these desires to flee me. And I can't believe I am sharing this with you, but I was NOT prepared for this part.

(one step back)

I have done a lot of road time as I outlined above and I am soon to do even more road time. One of the things this ROAD TIME allows is opportunity to think. WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Since the kids pretty much watch movies the entire way, my mind just marches all over the world and back again. I think about Brian and how I miss him. But, mostly, when I think of Brian now, I smile. My memories of Brian are good ones now. I am not so consumed with the week of his death as I was. I am not so much caught up in my guilt of how I stopped believing in his healing. I think about the man he was. I think about how inspiring he was. I think about the silly things he said and did. When I think of him, I smile more than cry. From what I research, that is a pretty big step in grieving.

(one step forward)

I, also, think about the future. As I stated before, when I think about the future I now think about a different future instead of pitying myself for the future that won't be. I think about where I want to live. I still don't know. Part of me wants to go back to St. Louis to be closer to my family. I have not lived in the same state or within 4 hours of my family since 1995. I would love to experience that. But, I know it is not so easy to just pick up and go somewhere I haven't lived in 15 years. And, to do that, would be to take on an identify in my world of 'single mom of two boys.' It would no longer be - 'Angie, widow of Brian.' I am not ready to take on my identity without Brian, yet.

(neither forward nor back)

Also, when I think about the future, I think about the boys and me. I really don't want to be alone. Right now, I MAY be saying that more from the loneliness I feel every day and from the human desires I spoke of a few paragraphs above. (is anyone still reading this far along anyway?). Still, when I think of myself in the future, I don't see myself alone. I think when you experience a love like Brian and I had - a mutual, respectful, nurturing, physical, encouraging, spiritual, Christ-centered LOVE - you can't help but want part of that again. It is not a desire to replace that love. It is not a desire to redirect loneliness. It is simply a desire to love again.

In the right time...

When my confusion is less and my priorities are better in line with Christ-like thinking...

If God wills it....

TMI???

I also think about what Brian would want for me and the boys. I credit Brian solely on my ability to begin a new outlook on the future for two reason. First of all, we were blessed in that we were able to have these conversations for years due to our circumstances. I know he wanted a new future for me and the boys. He spoke of it even while believing in his own potential future. And in knowing that, the guilt of thinking about it is subdued. Also, Brian rarely looked out on his life and lamented the "could have beens." Rather, he concentrated on the "here and nows" to get to where he wanted to be. He did not allow the fog and cycle of self-pity to enter his daily regimen of a good attitude and a positive outlook. I have no doubt if this situation were reversed, and it was I who had passed on to heaven, he would rejoice for where I was and would pick up the shattered pieces of his broken heart excited about the next adventure in his life. If I were in heaven, isn't that what I would want for him and my boys on earth until they joined me?

(one step forward)

Thanks for listening.

And now for something completely different....

That was for you, Babe. You LOVED it. Hopefully, Sean and John will appreciate it today and see a bit of you in it.

And even more different...

A few pictures because I haven't posted one in a long time...

Grant taking a pic of me doing a cartwheel. That's my game face. If only I could get my abs to be as cut as my calves. I'm working on it.

P.S. Yes, I am geeky enough to make sure I had a 2 to 1 ratio of forwards to backs. I may not keep a very clean house, but when the math doesn't add up, I have a sleepless night.

P.P.S. I would have chosen a different picture of myself, but since the camera went swimming in the lake in July, I have taken only a handful of photos and this is the most recent of me. AND, I wanted you to see that I still do cartwheels despite being 37 AND despite my grief. Sometimes there is no better therapy than a curse word or a cartwheel.

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The question I know you all want to ask….

What are Angie and boys going to do now?

I know you want to know. Wanna know HOW I know you want to know? Cuz many people, even barely acquaintances actually have enough gumption to ask me. Others just casually feel me out with indirect questions. Others that know me well expect I just may growl at you if you ask me that.

And I know included in the "What are Angie and the boys gonna do now” question are things like – Employment for Angie – when and how much? Location? House? Can they afford their lifestyle? Benefits? Etc.

And here’s the answer. I DO NOT KNOW.

And it sucks getting asked because I feel like I should know. It isn’t as if Brian’s death was a huge surprise. It isn’t as if I am not logical and intelligent and can’t figure things out.

In fact, I think sometimes my predisposition to over-analyze and logically think through EVERY SINGLE DECISION IN MY LIFE, including what color to paint a bathroom that can easily be repainted, is what is preventing me from knowing exactly what to do from here.

First thing first, though, is that I am exactly identifying my financial status. Since Brian’s death, we have received AMAZING generosity from friends and family. In March, we took a voluntary separation package from Caterpillar that has allowed me to have this time to think things through and figure things out. That being said, Brian and I have always lived within our means, practically and frugally on a budget that had us giving our tithe to church/charity, saving for our future and college and splurging on a few unnecessaries. So, we have no debt except our mortgage putting the boys and me in a better position. I have no doubt that it is our obedience to God’s biblical financial rules yielding this reward today.

However, we cannot go on forever like this. It is just a matter of figuring out exactly how much investment income we can generate in addition to our social security survivor benefits. There will be a shortfall with those two combined, and that will determine when and how much I will have to work. When the boys turn 18, the social security survivor benefit will expire completely and I, then, will have to solely support myself on my income.

There are several factors with determining employment for myself. First of all, I do not feel that I would be a good employee at this exact moment in time during this season in my life. I am easily distracted, have a lack of attention span and cry at the oddest times. So, I want to take a bit more time and give myself time to grieve and come to terms with whatever the heck our new normal is. Once I determine how much of my life is spent doing things for the kids that cannot easily be delegated or requested of friends like homework and quality time and the support they need from immediate family, I can better determine how much I am WILLING to work. However, if finances dictate that the amount I NEED to work exceeds the amount I am WILLING to work, the NEED will outweigh the latter and we will figure out the rest. I do not think we will be forced into that situation, though, barring another market crash.

Additionally, in order to give my boys stability and support, my goal is to work enough for this first couple of years to basically just get by without saving much for MY future. I will always save for college. It was one of my and Brian’s biggest goals to give to our children what our parents gave to us, and that is a college graduation that is debt free. I feel I would be dishonoring Brian to not strive for that. However, once again, if our finances did not allow for it without a huge compromise to our lifestyle and our emotional well-being, I know it would be MORE dishonoring to Brian to compromise OURSELVES for a debt-free college graduation.

There are many factors to consider when contemplating my future employment, not the least of which is the obvious – WHAT would it be. Should I do something related to my experience in accounting, business management and finance? Should I take a less demanding job because we don’t need the money at the risk of getting farther away from my experience and a well-paying job when I DO need to go back to work with a higher paying job when the boys finish high school? Do I just start all over now that I am older and wiser? I just don’t know. I trust that God will provide answers through the right opportunities.

When considering employment, I realize that full-time work would take me away from my boys a considerable amount in a time when they need a lot of direct involvement. They aren’t really capable of doing self-directed, independent homework and won’t be for a few more years. Their homework is family homework and they both need me now to help with this. They want to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities and to add single-parenthood, full-time employment on top of basic school would almost wipe this away. I just don't know how I would swing it all for them and for myself BY MYSELF. I also realize part-time work that meets our financial needs may not be possible. I am not naïve.

Other factors to consider are when and WHERE?

Obviously, the most glaring question many people have is WHERE IS ANGIE GOING TO LIVE WITH THE BOYS? The answer once again, is I DON’T KNOW. For now, we are staying put. I have no intention of going anywhere this school year unless we felt remarkably led by God to do so. I want to give the boys and myself time to figure out life here without Brian. Figure out things like where do I want my boys to call home? Right now they know little other than Central Illinois as home. Figure out things like where can we afford? Figure out things like where do we have the best support system? And that changes daily. It changes as our support system of family and friends have their own changing commitments and lifestyles. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa are around for a ton of help and sometimes they want to travel. And we want them to. They need to. We don’t want anyone to feel like they are tied here solely because of us. And sometimes friends can help with rides and time with the kids, but then it changes when their own sports, work and extra activities take their time. And that is to be expected because once again, we don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t do their own thing because of us. HOWEVER, if full-time employment is what was necessary for us, I would have to go where I had the best support system and I felt the most comfortable knowing that my kids would be in the care of family and friends A LOT. I, honestly, do not know where that is right now. I am taking this year to figure this all out.

It is no secret that I have no family in Illinois at all. My closest family members are 3 hours away and those are extended family members. CLOSE-KNIT extended family members, but my immediate family is 4 hours away. However, Brian’s family is within a few miles of us, and he has many extended family members also within a few miles of us. But, will this relationship change as things unfold in our lives? I like to think it wouldn’t, but I have witnessed too many examples being on the biological side of a relative's death to know this may be naïve thinking. I know it will take a lot of effort on both our sides to ensure a healthy relationship that allows both sides the graces they need to grieve, live and cope.

Additionally, moving right now to a comfortable support zone of MY family would force me to solely rely on family and very old friends in a place where I have never lived on my own. It would be in a town like St. Louis where I have not lived since I graduated from college, let alone as a parent. Or, if I opted to be closer to my sister and mom, it would put me in a small town environment that I have never been a part of, losing all of the individuality of the friends and connections I have made in Illinois. I would partially be starting all over, all the while determining WHERE to live, WHAT works best for us, not knowing how much support I truly need and IF we can do it here. And you know what? I have great friends here. The best and closest friends I have ever had in my life. I feel connected to them and I feel connected at my church. Starting all that over right now is not overly appealing.

And, to top all this off, I know that the support I need today will differ from the support I need in a few years. The boys’ activities will get more demanding later, but rides MAY be easier to arrange as they age and don’t need parental supervision at Scouts or practices, or it may get more difficult depending on their interests. I don’t know. Also, their homework will become more independent. I will be able to grocery shop or run a few errands without having them in tow in just 3-4 years when they can start staying alone for an hour or two at a time. And that will only increase from then on. Gavin will be in middle school in less than 4 years’ time. AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So, as you can see, YES, I am constantly thinking this through. I have a lot of decisions to make and for right now, just the day-to-day decisions of what to have for dinner are difficult enough to make while we heavily grieve for Brian. Then I have larger, but immediate decisions to make like benefits coverage as our COBRA amount quadruples next month. And how long do the boys stay in counseling now that we have to start paying privately? And I still don’t know for sure what color to paint my bathroom.

And then there is the guilt for knowing that I DO have a college education and am perfectly suited to work a well-paying, full-time job but just not wanting to do it right now because I know it would not be what is best for my kids and me emotionally, but would really make some decisions easier and make saving for college and benefits a no-brainer. (All that experience and education, yet still ridiculous run-on sentences) So, don’t even get me started on feeling under the microscope knowing that my closest friends and family (especially my parents who gifted me with that education) have to be thinking – “Why the heck is she doing this when she is educated and employable?” And I realize that most of the guilt is probably self-inflicted. This is what I do to myself.

But my motto for the last few months and for the next couple will continue to be - "NO BIG CHANGES FOR A YEAR". Different seasons and events unfold different challenges and perspectives.

For future reference, to anyone who is dying to know what someone who is handling a large life-change like a divorce, a death or job loss is going to do from here, DON’T ASK. I know it is well-intended, but I can tell you if they want to talk about it, they will. THEIR THOUGHTS ARE CONSUMED WITH IT ANYWAY. And they don’t want to be in their position of HAVING to think about it at all. (And also to let you know that 12 months ago, I also would have asked anyone that was going through this the SAME questions.) Rather, just say to that person “I know you have a lot of decisions and very difficult choices ahead of you. I will pray for you as you think things through. But, please take the time you need to make informed decisions and if you want to talk things through, I’m here to listen. (Although they will always be willing to talk if you want to tell them about that great part-time, work-from-home, $50,000/year job you have been dying give to them.)” And then – PRAY FOR THAT PERSON AND THEIR DECISIONS.

You can start with me.

KEEP BELIEVING

*edited to add* I didn't write this post to make anyone feel bad for asking me what we are going to do next or for wondering what we are going to do next. I wrote the post so you can have a glimpse into the hundreds of "If- Then's" that enter my mind daily, and to let you know where I am with the decision making. Because honestly? If you haven't walked a few steps in these shoes of mine (and my size 5 wides would not fit many of you, and I pray they never do - literally and metaphorically speaking), you simply wouldn't know how many factors and variables there are to complicate even the slightest decision. Like the fact that I suck at painting, so choosing the wrong color means more work for the friends and family that help me. And that every BIG decision I make right now will greatly impact THREE of us. My children are my first priority in all decisions right now.

winter wimps and some theme songs

As you know, I was lamenting that school was cancelled for Thursday due to cold weather. Well, it is also cancelled for Friday even though the temperatures are supposed to reach about 20 degrees higher than today to a balmy 15 degrees F. However, morning windchills are supposed to hover around -30 again. WIMPS. WINTER WIMPS, I tell ya! This blows my mind. Cold becomes a part of your life in Canada. Today, we managed to make it to a crowded McDonalds and the Hair Cuttery (that is really the name). Yet, it was too cold for my kids to stay inside a warm school??? You will not get me to buy into this, so stop trying (I'm talking to you my fellow Illinoisans). I am calling this entire state a bunch of PANZIES!!! I made it CVS, too, to spend my expiring ExtraCareBucks.

Along with my fellow Illinois wimps who can't handle the cold, I would also like to call out a few inanimate objects. Namely our truck who I am pretty sure cursed me for leaving him out for a few hours last night while I freed up the garage for Brian's easier transportation. But, he started, so I forgive him. Also, our van whose windshield wiper fluid is frozen solid and whose power doors will not slide in the cold. I am not afraid of you van! I still can use my hands and open and close doors. Also, my garage door who will not open and shut for me when the temperature gets below a certain temp, as well. Once again, I am not afraid of you, either. I can pull your emergency release cord and use my hands. I'm not afraid to live like our forefathers.

Last evening, we went with Brian's brother and wife to see Spamalot. Brian and I also saw this November 2007 in London. Nothing compares to seeing this British comedy in BRITAIN. One of my fondest memories of our 9 day trip to Europe was the night we went to this show. However, Brian and I have a pretty warped sense of humor and we love the Monty Python humor. Also, Spamalot has some good songs that we should all apply to life. They are songs that seem to fit the way Brian lives every day and we have decided some of these are basically his theme songs:

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

In addition, a little less applicable to most of the world, but in keeping with our warped sense of humor, we like this one for Brian:

Not Dead Yet

Yes, we find things like this funny. We laugh our way through the day as much as possible. We have to. It keeps us sane.

I leave you today with a few memories of our trip to London, November of 2007, and our night out to see Spamalot including picture of us riding the escalators for London's wonderfully easy to navigate TUBE.

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snow cold day....?

School is cancelled for Thursday. It is a snow day, but in reality, it is being cancelled due to COLD? What the..? With many other modern inventions came these things called HEAT and GLOVES and BOOTS and HATS. Heaven forbid the children wait 8 freaking minutes in a windchill approaching -30. Did I mention that we lived in Canada for 2 years? We saw people jogging when the temperature was -20 (without windchill). My kids played outdoor hockey when it was -10. Mothers would walk their babies when it was 0. School kids go outside and play for recess until the windchill reaches -5. We waited for the bus many a time with temperatures WITHOUT WINDCHILL at -40 (fun fact -40F=-40C) We CANCEL school here because of a windchill??? Our school district is a rather affluent one. There are not many walkers. I would venture to guess there are no children who cannot afford or do not own adequate cold weather protection. Get on the bus. Go in the building. Learn. Stay inside for recess, make up for Wednesday's LEGITIMATE snow day.

You wouldn't believe how nearly this entire city is shut down for Thursday. We act like we are incapable of functioning because what? it's COLD outside? Geez Louise. Something tells me Chuck E Cheese's will be open Thursday. Something else tells me it will be a packed madhouse. If we are capable of getting out to the movies or Chuck E Cheese's, WHY are we not capable of having school????


Maybe I am just mad because my style is being cramped a bit. I still have errands to run. My CVS Extracare bucks expire tomorrow.

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The English language through the eyes of a first grader.

In first grade this year, Gavin’s language arts focus recently has been on writing sentences and paragraphs. I love the way he throws spelling and grammar caution to the wind and dives right in. He never asks me to spell anything for him and he just spells it out phonetically.

It makes me realize how messed up our language is. How is anyone supposed to remember all of our exceptions to the rules?

For instance:

Why can we not have 10 vowels instead of 5? This way there would not be any guessing as to whether or not the long or short sound is used and it would make the silent “e” unnecessary. “e” has enough use anyway. Also, there is no use to have 'y' act as a vowel. It has a use already. It doesn’t need dual purpose.

For that matter, “c” has no business using both the hard and soft sounds. We could then eliminate k from the alphabet and we already have “s.” Same things with “g.” We already have a “j.” Where do "c "and "g" get off anyway thinking they need to exert their power over letters that already serve their purpose?

With the new vowel introductions, we would no longer have a need to spell certain vowel sounds with two vowels like “chain” or “weak” It would simply be the new vowel that always has the long A or long E sound.

And how am I supposed to explain to my child that one is different from won yet pronounced the same? and we haven't even ventured into "dear" and "deer" or "their," "there" and "they're." God help me.

And why SHOULDN’T he keep spelling “was” as “wuz”? It makes a lot more sense.

I seriously think we should turn the English language over to the first graders and let them re-develop it.

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Literacy ... a new chapter

Part of Gavin’s “daily homework” is an optional reading chart to tally each time he reads 15 minutes. Each night, we gather our “Bob First” books or our Dr. Seuss books and begin our endeavor. Since beginning this two weeks ago, I am profoundly AMAZED at his reading progress. I freely admit that we took the summer off from almost everything educational and intellectual, so he may have been a bit behind the curve entering First Grade this year. When I saw his yearly list of Spelling words, I nearly hyperventilated looking at words like “everything” “python” and “another” he is supposed to master by year’s end, not realizing he begins with words like “rat” “crab” and “raft.” The idea is to gradually build on concepts and simple memorization to counteract some of the English language EXCEPTIONS to every logical phonetic and grammar rule - I had forgotten that whole BASIC part of school. Listening to him read as of late, I have no doubt he will be ready for the 3 and 4 syllable words coming this Spring.

What I didn’t count on was how much this reading practice and this damn “becoming literate” would change MY LIFE

You see, this evening, we were reading a Magic Treehouse book Gavin chose from the library last week. This book is no less than 150 pages long, so I gave Gavin a reading breather this evening and decided to be storyteller myself in order to crank out 30 pages or so in one sitting. As I was reading at auctioneer pace, Gavin stopped me.
Gavin: Mom, you forgot ‘Yes’
Me: What?
Gavin: (pointing) Right there. It says, ‘yes.’ You didn’t read it.
Shit.
Me: Sure I did. It says, ‘yes, we saw you.’
Gavin: No, It says ‘yes, he.’
I read it again – (“Yes,” he said, “we saw you.”) Damn this little bugger was right. You see, I often omit the ‘he saids,’ and other unimportant phrases and words when I read to the kids in order to get back to blogging speed things along. Kind of like you do in your head when you read.
Me: Oh. Sorry. Thanks, Gavin.
Double Shit.

You realize of course, this means I can no longer lie and tell him the sign says “No running and yelling” at the grocery store. Or that the restaurant menu says “Kids have to eat all their dinner to get dessert.”

Soon, he is going to realize I am being cheap at the checkout line for not buying the $.50 candy bar when he starts to comprehend currency and math.

* sigh *

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At which table would I sit?

I was looking around the other day at all the back-to-schoolers. I watched the high school bus come and go. In my day, I attended a Catholic high school that didn’t have a bus. We drove and carpooled. Watching the highschoolers board the bus got my brain spinning 6 degrees to wherever and I was taken back to high school momentarily.

When I think back on high school, as well as cheerleading, big hair, homework, late night telephone calls, learning to drive and my BFF, I am also reminded of one particular person I can’t get out of my head. There was a girl, CF, in my school to whom I was less than pleasant. When I say less than pleasant, I should say downright MEAN. I mocked CF behind her back as did most all of my friends. When I had the chance, I would engage her in incriminating conversations in which she would reveal more things that showed her peculiarity like where she bought her clothes or how she differed from the rest of the ever-conforming high school girl me and most of my friends were becoming. I got her to reveal that she shopped at K-Mart and that she thought K-Mart rocked which was TABOO for anyone to ADMIT in high school. (For the record, I do not shop at K-mart much now, but it is CERTAINLY not beneath me. It is just not convenient for me.)

In my puny defense, CF was odd. She spoke in a strange monotone way. We wore uniforms, but she dressed strange for most highschoolers. She was shorter than even me, which said a lot at my 5-foot height entering high school. Maybe that is why I picked on her. Maybe it was because she was too forthcoming and eager to try to meet people and make friends. Most likely, it was because I was just insecure and ignorant and found one easy prey. I don’t know, but I am not proud of it. At. All.

I think of the years that CF was tormented by not just me, but by most of the class. She wasn’t cool and she didn’t try to be. And what I remember the most about high school was constantly trying to be cool – at the expense of the law, my dignity and purity, my family, kindness and my grades.

I think of how my heart would PAIN if my boys' classmates were not treating my kids nicely or fairly. When either of my boys tells me of a bullying situation, we address it, discuss it and remove them from it if possible. Because, who wants their kid hurt? But that is what most of my class and I did to CF for all 4 years of high school.

CF would find a friend here and there to hang with. Her freshman year, she seemed unscathed and would find some folks to sit with at lunch or during assemblies. She showed up for many school functions by herself and would mingle with a few. In the next few years, as we grew and *ahem* matured (said rolling my eyes), our class seemed to have less and less to do with CF. She would resort to hanging with younger classes who didn’t know yet that she was somehow labeled by the rest of the student body as odd. She was welcoming to others and always interested in making a friend. When she came to school events, she resorted to hanging with the teacher chaperones. Eventually, she stopped attending altogether. She was probably beyond lonely.

I remember finding out later that one of the reasons CF was so small was that she had many health problems as a child. She wouldn’t dress in front of anyone at gym class (and come one, for whom ISN’T that act awkward at that age) because she had a huge scar from open-heart surgery as a child. It didn’t faze most of us in the class. Sadly, it just cemented her weirdness.

At lunch, I always sat with the same people. We had our group of friends. K, T, N, G, L, and I were always at the same table. Some would rotate in, out and around with other tables, but if you looked around the cafeteria, there was always the same people give or take a few that sat with the same people. Not necessarily because anyone was being exclusive, rather because that was our group of friends that we hung with mostly on the weekends, too. That is whom you tend to migrate towards. That is natural.

I can remember CF sitting by herself many times during our senior year. If her lunch coincided with the freshman lunch or with a person from one of the other classes that was nice to her, she would have one or two people to sit with, but it didn’t always happen.

It breaks my heart to this day to think of her sitting there by herself at lunch.

I think about myself today as I walk into a social situation and look around a room not knowing anyone. To whom do I migrate? I tend to migrate to those who look like me, dress like me and act like me. Why? I know when I leave situations like that, if no one befriended me or it was simply awkward the entire time, I leave feeling lonely and empty.

Where would I sit today in that cafeteria knowing everything I know today? Would I sit with the person who looks the loneliest and saddest?

I often wonder how my boys are doing at school. Are they getting along with their teacher? Are they obeying? Are they grasping the concepts? Are they struggling? But mostly, I wonder… Are they getting along with the other kids? Is anyone being mean to them and are they being mean to anyone else?

I picture CF sitting there alone in that cafeteria full of her classmates when I think of my boys at school and I don’t want that for my boys in two ways. I don’t want them to be her all alone and I don’t want them to be me ignoring her.

What would make me beyond proud would be for my boys to be the one to look beyond the taboo that stained this awkward high-schooler and befriend her. I want my boys to be the ones to tell others ‘they are ignorant and cruel and that is a person just like you inside with fears and ambitions and a past and a future’ and simply be her companion even if just for 25 minutes a day.

I wish I had been that person to CF.

I publicly, humbly, and ashamedly apologize to CF. I have no idea what has become of her and I think still think of her often.

What about you? Any regrets on how you treated someone?

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I can't think of much to say

I have all these posts swirling around in my head...

Like an idea for a parenting forum to ask some people some questions that I seriously want opinions on....

Or some cute stories that I can remember.....

Then I realize...

Oh crap, it is like 6:45 and the kids need to get in the shower and brush their teeth and we need to read and log our reading time and I have no less than 12 papers to lose throw away sort through and diligently read for details for my kids and the expectations on a kindergartner and 1st grader in this century of public school. Which, when translated, means I have more homework than them because in reality, any homework for kindergartners and first graders simply means, "parents, you will be doing this, too," and then I have the added tasks of getting all the upcoming events for them on our calendars and determining when my library rotation will fall in the month, and reading through the newest information for parents of school kids which is: "please check out this website and do these activities with your kids to supplement" because I didn't have ENOUGH to do before with the 6 pages a week for the kindergartner and the spelling lists and sight words and math suggestions for the first grader.

Then I get another, 'please read 15 minutes a day with your first grader and color these apples when you are done and have your child return at the end of the month' and I realize that there are actually the same number of apples on the chart as there are days in the month. And I'm wondering if the first grader will realize if I color in an extra apple here and there because, I'm thinking... I JUST WANT A DAY OFF HOMEWORK, MAN!

And I'm thinking, geez, they're 5 and 6 for cryin out loud. And I'm 36 and I'm not supposed to be doing homework anymore.

And then I'm thinking, didn't I send them to school so I didn't HAVE to homeschool. How is it that all my homeschool friends can teach their two or three kids in like 4 hours and not have additional homework. My kids are in school for 7 hours a day and still come home with all this crap.

So, then I'm thinking, don't these teachers care about the environment? cuz honestly, I don't keep much for more than a day, which has totally backfired on me TWICE as I have had to email a teacher for a spelling list and a username and password for the stupid websites we are supposed to be "supplementing" with at home after I prematurely tossed the paper. Meaning, I go through about an extra BAG of garbage a week with worksheet pages and practice writing and parent bulletins, etc.

So, then I'm thinking, when am I ever gonna have time for this blog? Because on top of all the extra stuff relating to school and every dish I have to bring for teacher appreciation day (which I fully appreciate by the way) and all the library volunteering for 2 kids and all the field trips and other school functions and the church activities ready to start up soon and the other pressing household chores, we had company last weekend and Brian had chemo and a doctors appointment today. And the only time I seem to find to work on this blog is around 8:00 at night which I DO like to occasionally spend with my spouse who so diligently fights for his life daily and provides a comfortable living for this household. PLUS, I go to bed between NINE and TEN these days (unlike my summer midnight oil burning time) because we get up and start this whole routine over every day at 6 am. So much so, that up until about two days ago, I was like, "Sarah Palin, who?" and "Joe Biden, who?" and "Aren't the Olympics on TV anymore?"

So, now I'm thinking - How many days til summer?

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(I'm also thinking after spellchecking this post, how is it that I ALWAYS spell occasionally and determining wrong?- spellcheck catches it, though)

I have calluses from all the screwing....

Where have I been?

Have you missed me?

My last post was a week ago. I find myself a bit uninspired lately for several reasons, not the least of which is my Uncle Robbie's departure from this world on Tuesday morning. Losing another relative to cancer makes this dreadful disease so much more prevalent in my life again and I find myself over analyzing everything Brian does. Is he walking slower than usual? Is his speech worse than last week? Why is he so tired? Why is he watching TV instead of interacting with the kids and me? and so on and so forth and scooby dooby doo.... (name that song)

Aunt Sally gave me a free pass for missing Robbie's funeral. In fact, I think she pretty much graciously uninvited us as the best gift of love ever. 1) It is over 9 hours away from us. 2) My kids are in school and Grant is in half day school making the logistics of getting someone to help with the kids complicated at best, and taking them out of school for 2 days in the first two weeks of school to attend a funeral 9 hours a day isn't very reasonable. 3) When you are in the midst of an everyday battle to try to beat the cancer in your own life, the last thing you want to do is attend the farewell of someone that just succumbed to it. 4) Brian feels good about 8 of every 14 days. He really doesn't want to spend 3 of those days at a funeral. Call us selfish. We reserve the right to be so every so often.

Awkward Segway #1 -

We had a party for some friends and family on Saturday - those that helped us pour our new patio. Isn't it lovely?

Preparation for a party, no matter how laid back, is time-consuming, as you all know.

I am 3 days behind on laundry which means I haven't done laundry in 6 days because I try to do it every 3 days. The reason for that is that SINCE the weekend, I have spent HOURS turning approximately 3,761 pieces of this:

into exactly TWO final pieces.

This:

and this:

which is now anchored in the ground so that THIS can't happen again:

(April 2008)

All projects accomplished pretty much BY MYSELF. Because, Brian's right hand just does not work much at all these days and these are big tasks. Luckily, we have acquired quite a few tools over time and they help tremendously with said projects.

Awkward Segway #2

As a child, my sister struggled with Fall allergies. Ragweed, we assume, but who can be totally sure, right? Anyway, every school picture taken in September had my sister looking like a North American Native Eskimo with her closed up puffy eyes. And I am not insulting North American Native Eskimo's or my sister, but she just didn't look like herself. We had to keep the house closed up on beautiful Fall days because of her allergies. I remember her walking Zombie/Frankenstein-like to the bathroom in the mornings because her eyes were crusted over with muck from the night. I don't remember feeling much sympathy because I was a teenager and what could be more important in the world than the drama I was creating in my own life back then?

Anyway, as an adult, I have developed Spring and now FALL allergies. Lucky me. This would not be quite so bad except that I love early fall/late summer semi-hot days and the above projects mentioned? they had to be done OUTSIDE. This has caused me to spend my evenings inside with a box of kleenex, an extra dose of Zyrtec and a beer because, dude, beer totally dulls cures all allergies.

Awkward segway #3

My kids are back in school, as you may have read last week. This means, we are up at 6:30 in the morning, fighting and battling non-stop until they leave me at 7:15. Actually, let me give you a bit more detail:

6:00 my alarm goes off

6:09 my first snooze goes off

6:18 my second snooze goes off

6:27 my third snooze goes off and I get out of bed and get dressed in my workout clothes

6:30 I wake kids and help them get dressed while they whine and complain and cry and tell me to turn off the light because in the morning light apparently fries little boys' eyeballs.

6:38 they choose breakfast and Grant eats it in about 98 seconds. Gavin spends the next 10 minutes explaining to me that he has forgotten how to pour milk, where the bowls and cups are and how to insert a spoon into his mouth. Also, he apparently cannot eat a poptart or nutrigrain bar unless it is in bitesize pieces. Which is ridiculously ironic because if it comes out the wrapper cracked or broken, he refuses to eat it and opens a new one.

6:48 - I make Gavin's lunch and continue to nag him about EATING before he runs out of time. Grant is putting on his shoes so he can go outside and play before the bus arrives.

7:00 - I am fussing at Gavin to FINISH EATING and brush his teeth so he can be ready for the bus.

7:05 I wet Gavin's head while he runs away shrieking because apparently? spray bottles of water melt little boys' faces in the morning as well as light frying their eyeballs.

7:10 Get on backpacks and go out waiting for bus.

7:15-7:20 bus comes. Grant hugs and kisses me and giggles while I throw him kisses after he is seated until he is out of sight while Gavin casually ignores me and slightly waves as he enters the bus IF no one is looking.

7:30 - I eat my own breakfast and have some more coffee.

Remaining of morning: I work out, I shower and dress. I sometimes run an errand. I work around the house. Grant is home at 10:55. In the afternoons, I run more errands if necessary and I work on above projects. I weed a bit and water a bit. I go through the mail and pay bills. I balance statements, etc. I make and cleanup lunch and dinner. I do homework or review work with the boys from school. Also throw in laundry, house cleaning and maintenance and anything else domestic.

7:15pm - boys are in shower getting cleaned up for bed. Read a book, say prayers and talk a bit until lights out between 7:45 and 8:00.

I crash around 9:30 or earlier these days to start over the next day.

In short, I am tired and I do not take much time for this blog. And I do not take much time to read any blogs. Because, there is this little problem of numbers. The two biggest ones being1) more than 8 - as in I need more sleep than that lately. and 2) more than 24 - as in there will never be more than that many hours in a day.

My hands and shoulders hurt from all the forcing, turning, screwing, and leveraging I have been doing the last two days. I have calluses on my hands. I have small cuts and blisters between fingers and I don't really even remember how they happened. And the trampline frame above - not the same one as we were replacing from "the incident" so I had to re-engineer the spring placement and am not overly optimistic of the useful life of the mat. AND, Asics discontinued my running shoe and replaced it with a joke of a model totally lacking in arch support and cushion giving me much foot pain during my morning run unless I want to fork out an ADDITIONAL $40 for the upgraded model with adequate support and cushion. And I realize I sound like a neurotic, New York, Jewish, bitchy mother-in-law, but still...

And with Robbie's death on Tuesday, all I can think of is if something happened to Brian how would I do all this and work 40 hours, too?

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almost got what I asked for

On Monday, I lamented about my boys growing up, about how parenting is in the end, all about letting go, about watching them spread their wings and begin to soar without me and how difficult that is, about how secretly I wish they needed me as much as I want to be needed, bla bla bla, sap sap sap, pity pity pity….

On Wednesday, I put Grant on the bus for the first time. There is something you need to understand about Grant first. Grant is all tough guy on the exterior. Grant is the kid that you sometimes don’t want your kid to play with because he will inevitably find his way across the street you just forbade him to cross. He is the kid that will gang up on your kid if he sees an easy target and another kid is bullying first. He is the kid that will throw food in your living room/garage/wherever if he sees someone else do it first and thinks he can get away with it just because he has always wanted to do it. He is the kid that HAS dumped his water bottle that I JUST told him he couldn’t have so he could PEE in it and then dumped that pee in my outside planters and then got himself ANOTHER water bottle to drink. He is THAT kid. I battle and struggle with Grant DAILY regarding making good choices NO MATTER WHAT CHOICES ANYONE ELSE IS MAKING. Sometimes it sinks in. Sometimes it doesn’t. The Grant above is the Grant that most people see. Those that know him best also know he is surprisingly uncomfortable being the center of attention. He is uneasy in new situations. He is shy meeting new people. He is also tender and affectionate. He still loves to be held and he adores his mommy. He does, what can I say?

Anyway, I put Grant on the bus for the first time on Wednesday morning. I had my camera all ready and the neighbor boys he pals around with (grade 3 and 5) were at the stop, too. The neighbor boys’ mom told the neighbor boys to wait to get on the bus until Grant went first and I could get my photo. So, they did. Grant hopped up the first step and I shouted, “Grant, turn around so I can get your picture.” Mrs. T, the best bus driver in the whole world, stuck her hand out and said, “Grant, wait.” (so I could get my picture) He takes this as a sign of having done something wrong, while being the center of attention in a new situation (see above), and runs off the bus sobbing into my leg. Whoa! What?

I begged him to get back on the bus assuring him he did nothing wrong. Mrs. T. apologized and begged him to get back on. Suddenly, visions of “getting what I asked for” flooded my brain and I foresaw myself dropping off my 22 year old college senior in front of his lab cuz he never got comfortable riding the bus as a Kindergartener. Okay, so I exaggerate, but I did foresee myself driving my Kindergartener to school for the next few weeks. I quickly realized that I WANT him to grow up and do it well. Especially in situations where he has no choice. The bus driver let me ride around the corner to the next stop with Grant where he allowed me to get off and he rode by himself for a while. He did fine the rest of the day and gave me vivid details about the day of school. I love that about him.

only picture I got before school

after school

As far as Gavin goes, he is now in full day 1st Grade and loves it. Loves his teacher so far. Loves lunch and recess. (In half day Kindergarten, they didn’t have lunch or a snack and they rarely had time for recess.) He says 1st Grade is “so easy” and “the same as Kindergarten only they have two carpets.” He hops on the bus without even a wave. He hops off the bus and when I ask him about his day, he ignores me completely and asks me if he can play with the neighbor boys. So, he is giving me, thus far, a huge dose of NOT what I asked for and I am glad for it.

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how difficult yet fun parenting is...or was....

When our first child entered our lives, I immediately realized how difficult yet how fun parenting is. From day one, my role as parent was to help our children transition effectively from one phase to the next. It started with feedings and spreading those feedings over a larger span of time until they were sleeping through the night. Then it became fewer feedings until they could get to 3 meals a day. It was difficult, full of frustration and sleepless nights, but it was fun. As they got older, the phases became more about functioning in life – stopping tantrum-throwing, walking, potty training, eating table food, using the correct words to express thoughts, etc. Once again, it was hard, but it was fun and often funny. When the preschool years came, the phases became less definitive and more about me and my own issues – babysitters, preschool, watching them fall and get hurt as they learned to ride a bike/scooter/etc., dressing themselves, adding responsibility to their lives, etc. It has been hard and full of battles, but honestly, fun.

Parenting is difficult because while everything in me wants to freeze them, hold them, and protect them, my MAIN responsibility in life with respect to the children is gradually forcing them to become independent of me despite myself. Nothing can prepare a parent for how difficult and how counter-intuitive this can be, yet oddly how fun it can be. However, even more difficult than forcing the children to grow up is watching the children become very good at growing up and just eager enough for it to sting. I should take their enthusiasm as a sign of a job well done, and I shouldn’t want them to react any differently, but I secretly do. I secretly want them to need me as much I want to be needed.

Today my oldest went to 1st grade for the first day. He will be leaving me for a full day 5 days a week for the first time ever.

Today, my baby went to Kindergarten. He will be leaving me for a ½ day 5 days a week for the first time ever.

And I am beginning to see that many of the “fun” times of forcing my kids to grow up are 1) no longer forced and 2) no longer fun for me.

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I think he has a future in political truth telling

Nothing besides what I have recently wrote about has been blogworthy in our lives the last two days. Personally, I feel that is an accomplishment considering what "could be" constantly in our lives. This is our last week before school starts. We are at a wedding on Saturday, in St. Louis on Sunday for a pool and piece of advice party (where each family member writes advice on a piece of paper to the college bound graduate), then off to my folk's to spend some time with my family for a couple days before we head to Paducah for the following weekend for my brother's wedding. (for which we actually came up with a gift to give the person who has or buys everything) Just thought we would throw as much as possible into the last week before school starts and our 1-1/2 year sleeping-in trend comes to a sudden and ABRUPT HALT with a 7:20 bus pick up. mmhmm 7:20 AM. My kids have not intentionally woke prior to 8:00 for 18 months.

Anyhoo, since my parents are still the last two remaining people on PLANET EARTH with dial up, I will not publish or comment while at their house for a few days. See ya when I return.

I leave you with this post I had sitting in my "never been published" area since March.

Grant got some Flarp for his birthday. When you push your fingers in the putty, it makes flatulent sounds. Yes, every 5 year old boy in the free world needs something else to add to his obsession with bodily functions. Flarp’s saving grace is that it smells like Skittles.

When putting the boys to bed Sunday night, Brian disrupted the process by bouncing in and flarping a few times, then leaving. Grant, naturally wanted to try it again before he went to sleep.

Me: No more. We are done.
Grant: Just one more – so Daddy can hear a loud one.
Me: No.
Grant: Why?
Me: Because it is time for bed. AND because you were not responsible and you lost the lid to it.
Grant: I didn’t lose the lid.
Me: Then where is it? (knowing he has looked for it already today)
Grant: I just *hided* it.
Me: Where?
Grant: Ummm… Someplace really good.
Me: Grant, it is time to get the lid from the hiding spot and put it on the Flarp since it is time for bed now. So go get it from its really good hiding spot.
Grant: ummm… I think I *hided* it so good that I can’t *bemember* the hiding spot.
Me: Then that is losing it. You lost the lid.
Grant: No
Me: Yes. And you lied about it. You lost it AND you lied.
Grant: I didn’t lie, I tricked…


I think he is a future politician.

KEEP BELIEVING

Preschool Flunkie

Through a panic-striken voice and behind streams of tears today, Grant informed me he DID NOT WANT TO and WAS NOT going to Kindergarten next year!


It is amazing what one is willing to trade in the moment to avoid discomfort.


In hindsight, I should have had Grant wait in the playroom while Gavin received his booster shot. Less battling would have transpired if Grant didn't witness what was in store for himself. Lessons learned.

arm bruises from jerking and tensing up with each shot

Mission accomplished, despite protests.


Kindergarten IS in his future.


KEEP BELIEVING