Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I don't feel like it

Dear Brian,

Some days, for no apparent reason whatsoever, are just hard.

Some days I don't feel like being a single parent. I don't feel like being the only one taking the boys to and from the sporting events and every other errand. I don't feel like cheering at another soccer game. I don't feel like playing catch. I don't feel like wrestling. I don't feel like driving. I don't feel like making dinner. I don't feel like putting the kids to bed. I don't feel like punishing. I don't feel like rewarding. I don't feel like talking.

I just don't feel like doing any of it, let alone by myself.

Today just so happened to be one of those days.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. AnonymousMay 12, 2009

    You are doing such a good job. Even when you don't feel like it.

    You don't realize it, but you are inspiring us all to do thing when we don't feel like it. That's what it's all about.

    Those boys may not know it now, but one of these days then will look back in awe of the way you busted your butt to try to fill the the huge gaps that have been left.

    Love, love, love,

  2. I hear ya... I feel burned out too... I realize that I take for granted having another adult around to help sometimes.
    Hang in there Angie and know that you continue to be in many peoples thoughts and prayers.

  3. Once upon a time, I too found myself with these kinds of feelings. Somehow, if I just took a shower and made sure the kids had a bath, things seemed better. I loved kissing their clean heads! They always looked so cute fresh out of a bath, usually in one of their Dad's T-shirts. I know it wasn't much, but some days that was all I had in me. And, usually after that I could muster the strength to make dinner or snuggle in for a family movie night. You may try it. I'm praying for you Angie.

  4. It's okay to feel like that--just keep that in mind. I hope tomorrow is a little easier.

  5. I happened on your blog tonight and was drawn to you, as I have lost my dear Brian also. He was only a few months older than your husband, and he died in March 2008 from melanoma. I wanted to tell you to hang in there and that I will pray for you. I don't know your Brian, but I am sure he would be so very proud of how you are caring for your family.
    Take care,
    Jenni Halley


  6. Hey Angie, Keep hanging in there. Is it condescending to say that I know how you feel? No, I'm not a single mom and no, I didn't lose my husband to cancer. But I can relate to the "I don't feel like doing this job one more single frickin time" feeling. And, I guess I can understand but not empathize with you in that we all get tired of the job, but you are among the few who don't have someone (in-house) to fall back on. I can imagine that it must be a whole new learning experience for you, but I hope you can feel comfortable calling me or anyone of your friends at any hour to talk about this stuff. We may not be able to relate, but sometimes talking helps.

    Love, G

  7. If you didn't feel this way no and again, I be worried.


  8. Angie,
    Do you know how to eat an elephant?

    Just one bite at a time.

    When "I don't feel like it" comes along, find a very small piece of the project and try to complete it. After one piece the rest will be a little easier.

    Having walked in your shoes and seeing the strength you have and your faith in the Lord, I know in my heart that you can do it.

    One day at a time, your sister in Christ, Karen

  9. Praying for you and the boys.

    May today be a better day then yesterday.

  10. While I echo all the senitments above, I just wanted to throw in there that it is sooooo encouraging and a testament to you that your boys want to do all of those things. So, even if you don't feel like it, cut yourself some slack because you must be doing it right to have your boys coping well enough to want the sports and wrestling and catch and normalcy.

  11. Angie, I check your blog every time I see an update. I'm never sure what to say. Such days are understandable. We think of you daily. You and the boys are in our prayers. Much love & many hugs, K, B, & E

  12. Angie...To be honest, I am at a loss for words. I just want you to know that people out here in bloggy land care. We hurt for you and we care. Here's to praying that today is better than yesterday!

  13. AnonymousMay 13, 2009

    You need a break!!! GNO here we come.

    Angie, we all have these days, and we are NOT all dealing with the grief and tragedy of doing it without our husbands. You NEED more breaks than the average mom does...you NEED more help than the average mom does...you NEED to cut yourself some slack. I am always amazed at how you are handling this...with grace, honesty, and showing your humanity.


  14. Angie, it's okay to feel this way. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing these thing, but you WILL keep at it. I am so proud of you!

    And a day of cereal for dinner once in a while or too much tv so mom can be by herself is not a bad thing.

  15. I have many a day that I just can't continue on for a minute longer with my mommy duties ... but I always do, and I know you do too.
    Like your friend Kris said above, give youself a break (both literally and figuratively) ... GNOs are sometimes the best medicine.

    Praying for you, as always ... .especially during these nasty storms we're having today! Hope you and the boys are able to sleep tight tonight!

    (just up the road in B/N)

  16. Every single letter you write, I read and try to think of something encouraging to say. I fail admirably. Instead, I just want you to know that you're in my heart every single day. Have you ever read Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser? I would recommend it if and when you ever have some time Angie. I know it's helped me in times of grief.

  17. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, Angie!

  18. Sweet Angie,

    Wanting to let you know that I am praying for you, my dear friend.

    Love you, Shawn from TN

  19. AnonymousMay 15, 2009

    What do you mean "for no apparent reason whatsoever"?!?! Girl, grieving takes weeks, months, years. Being tired is part of the grieving process. Grieving is physical as well as mental and emotional. Don't forget that. You have a very, very difficult reason. Yes, days will get easier, yes, you won't cry all the time, but you can't expect yourself to just pop back to normal. This is new normal. Fourteen years from now, something about Brian will hit you and you'll have a day of grieving. Don't underestimate this process your body, your soul, your emotions need to go through. Praying for you.

  20. Sending hugs your way, Angie.

  21. Hang tough, sister. I recommend a candle, hot bath and glass of wine (or hot cup of tea). Your boys are going to realize some day how much you love them.