Monday, May 4, 2009

loss of words

Dear Brian,

I have been thinking lately that there are a few words in the English language that do not do justice to what I am feeling. I have searched in the thesaurus to try to find an equivalent that can measure the magnitude of what I am feeling, but I have come up short each time.

First of all, "gratitude" and "thank you." Those words are completely inadequate for trying to appropriately thank people for their generosity and support in the last two months.

Secondly, "sad," "depressed," and "grief," are words that don't touch how low I sometimes feel.

Third, "never." The word NEVER is overused in our English slang today. We have butchered and desensitized ourselves to the true finality of the word NEVER. We say things like, "I would NEVER do that," or "You're NEVER going to catch me," etc. We say things like this, but we mean them figuratively. I will LITERALLY NEVER see your human body again. I will NEVER feel you sleep next to me again. Your parents will NEVER see you grow older and successful. Your brothers will NEVER play cards with you again. Gavin and Grant will NEVER have their Daddy to read to them or play catch with them. NEVER. It is so final and yet it lacks magnitude.

Other words and phrases that seem insufficient to capture the true essence of how I am feeling:

lonely
guilty
awkward
pathetic
lazy

Lastly, to say, "I miss you" is like describing outer space as "vast." The word could be used to describe the Grand Canyon as well as Outer Space yet the Grand Canyon is a spec in the scope of that analogy. The words "I miss you" fall pitifully short.


But because I cannot find another word to use on earth, I will say it again:

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

20 comments:

  1. Again, can't imagine what you must be feeling or going through. Trusting that He will carry you when you can't carry yourself! Sending love and hugs your way even though we've never "met"...

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  2. Sometimes words just fail us. Both to express true emotion, and to comfort and empathize.
    Continued prayers.

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  3. Oh Angie - I only wish "I admire your strength and grace" could truly convey how I feel about YOU.

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  4. Please take lazy off your list--your body is demanding you rest after the most exhausting experience of your life. Listen to it.

    Don Mills Diva nailed it.

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  5. Luckily, words are not required. I know he sees into your heart, and I second (or third I guess) Don Mills Diva and Jenn @ Juggling Life. You are amazing in an outer space sized kind of way.

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  6. Hugs. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. -K, B, & E

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  7. Angie~

    I agree "lazy" needs to come off of the list. What I have learned in the almost 9 months that Shawn has been gone is that grief and all that it entails is a very tirirng process. I have never slept so much in my entire life as I have since he has been gone. I think it is because my mind is constantly trying to figure out what to do next, trying to hold on to memories, and trying to figure out my future. All of that thinking makes you tired. It's ok to be tired, it's ok to sit down and take a break for a while.

    You are also right sadness and grief are words that don't begin to touch the type of feeling that you and I are going through. I don't think there are any words that can describe the pain and the emotions we are feeling.

    I don't know if you use this work in your vocabulary or not but it is a work I have used a lot of since Shawn has been gone and that is "sucks" I tell people that I'm doing ok and I do have good days as I start to look forward to my future, but it still SUCKS!.

    I hope you are having an 'ok' day and know that i think of you often and I will be responding to your email shortly.

    ~Jenny

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  8. Sweet Angie,

    There is a tremendous battle being waged over your faith. The enemy of your soul wants to see you stumble and lose your grip on Jesus. Don't worry, my dear friend. Jesus is the solid Rock. Your feet are planted firmly. But the gale winds of sorrow are sweeping across your soul. I absolutely love this poem from L.B. Cowman's devotional in her book Streams in the Desert (my all-time favorite devotional book in the world). May you be comforted today. Our God is mighty to save You. May He quiet you with His love. May You hear Him sing songs of peace and deliverance over your troubled and grieved soul.

    I'm too tired to trust and too tired to pray,
    Said I, as my overtaxed strength gave way.
    The one conscious thought that my mind possessed,
    Is, oh, could I just drop it all and rest.

    Will God forgive me, do you suppose,
    If I go right to sleep as a baby goes,
    Without questioning if I may,
    Without even trying to trust and pray?

    Will God forgive you? Think back, dear heart,
    When language to you was an unknown art,
    Did your mother deny you needed rest,
    Or refuse to pillow your head on her breast?

    Did she let you want when you could not ask?
    Did she give her child an unequaled task?
    Or did she cradle you in her arms,
    And then guard your slumber against alarms?

    Oh, how quickly a mother's love can see,
    The unconscious yearnings of infancy.
    When you've grown too tired to trust and pray,
    When overworked nature has quite given way:

    Then just drop it all, and give up to rest,
    As you used to do on mother's breast,
    He knows all about it-the dear Lord knows,
    So just go to sleep as a baby goes;

    Without even asking if you may,
    God knows when His child is too tired to pray.
    He judges not solely by uttered prayer,
    He knows when the yearnings of love are there.

    He knows you do pray, He knows you do trust,
    And He knows, too, the limits of poor, weak dust.
    Oh, the wonderful sympathy of Christ,
    For His chosen ones in that midnight tryst,

    When He told them, "Sleep and take your rest,"
    While on Him the guilt of the whole world pressed-
    You have trusted your life to Him to keep,
    Then don't be afraid to go right to sleep.

    --Ella Conrad Cowherd

    Rest in your Jesus, dear Angie. He is your Watchguard and your Defender. Run to His arms and hide away. He will give you the strength you need to continue on this hard journey He has called you to.

    I love you, Shawn from TN

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  9. Angie,
    I am continuing to pray for you. I too could not find words to describe what I was feeling. It is just so very overwhelming to feel the loss of your protector, love mate, father, provider the list goes on and on. I don't even know what to say to you but that time really does help. I think I learned to cope better as time went on and became accustomed to my new life and was not as shocked with the new reality. My children are so wonderful now, yes they hold their scars from loosing their father but I think they all have such special awe inspiring traits because of their loss. I remember thinking oh great now I get to screw them up all by myself! And that did not happen, God has answered so many prayer for me and them and we have survived. You will survive this, eventually you will have more good days than bad. God does continue on with his plans for YOU, he has not forgotten you as lost as you feel without Brian. You are in the darkest of seasons but you will have more seasons in your life it is just hard to conceive of that now. Please email or call me any time. I am so very sorry for all the feelings and pains you have now and wish I could help in some way. And I agree with the others, lazy should come off your list:)
    Paige

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  10. Sometimes we are at a loss of words of comfort to say to you. Not knowing what to say, or how to say it.

    Just wanted to let you know we are praying for you and you are loved by your fellow bloggers.
    :)

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  11. Lazy? No. Maybe worn out, exhausted, emotionally and physically drained. But lazy? I seriously doubt that.

    Your words are beautiful and eloquent and touching.

    I think of you so often.

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  12. Still thinking of you and praying for you...and you are NOT lazy...

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  13. I love what Don Mills Diva said.

    Still believing.

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  14. AnonymousMay 04, 2009

    My prayer is that you use the words to describe yourself that all those who know and love you use to describe you...and yes...these only sctatch the surface:

    insightful
    curious
    strong
    unfailing
    hilarious
    loving
    determined
    capable
    amazing

    You are loved...
    Kris

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  15. What a beautiful post!

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  16. AnonymousMay 05, 2009

    Feel all you need to, when you need to, why you need to!! Do not place a time limit or a judgment on your grief or of yourself. You don't feel it today but you are magical..brave...soulful..thoughtful..funny....
    How do I know? Because you woke up today Angie, you got out of bed, and though it took one hour at a time, one moment at a time, you made it through the day. I don't know much.....but I know you should be proud of that alone. I'm sure that Brian is! Small steps....

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  17. Teri (Laurentius) MooneyMay 05, 2009

    Angie: I have been keeping up with your blog and praying for you as I feel God leading me. You already know that what you are feeling is the normal stages of grief. Going on and trying to find that "new normal", when you don't even know what "normal" is anymore, can be very exhausting and overwhelming. But I agree with alot of the comments above, that you will eventually start have more good days than bad. I remember calling my mom up when I went my first whole day without crying. It was such a huge step in the right direction.

    You are going to feel totally pre-occupied with Brian, and that is totally normal. The NEVER, or FOREVER thing is a hard pill to swallow. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of Michele's wedding day. Who is going to give my baby girl away? Who is going to walk her down the aisle, since her daddy won't be there to do that for her.

    It's just baby steps, like other have said, "One foot in front of the other." Becky told me when Randy died, "One step, two steps, one step, two steps". It really helped, just having that visual of putting one foot in front of the other as I healed from losing him so suddenly.

    Christian grief counseling has helped me and the kids sooo much. They have a program called GriefShare and I believe that your church has that program. I highly suggest that. Please don't try to walk this journey alone, and be "lazy" and rest along the way. Jesus did.

    If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

    Love, Teri

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  18. Sometimes I think that our language is lacking. We need a whole other language to describe these things.

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  19. Angie.. It has been a while since I left a comment.. I read you the reader and my heart breaks.. My heart breaks for a women and family I have never met.. but never ever let me hear you call yourself lazy, or pathetic.. you are amazing..You are so many things I wish I could be..I truly think of you daily..many hugs to you and your beautiful boys..

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  20. I can't even begin to imagine. Hugs and Prayers. Please try and be gentle with yourself. Please.

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