Tuesday, April 28, 2009

that time of month

Dear Brian,

This is so personal that I can't believe I am choosing to write to you about this. I think I am choosing to write to you because even I am surprised by my reaction.

It is "that" time of month for me again right now. Yesterday was the beginning. And you know what? That simple, stupid, regular biological condition makes me miss you so much.


I have really never missed a cycle in our entire relationship except for when we forced my body to do so during our in-vitro and insemination attempts. I have never been pregnant. I gave up the idea of becoming pregnant several years ago. So WHY THEN would this make me think of you and miss you more?? I can't make sense of it.

Is it because my emotions and hormones are on overload causing me to overreact to everything?

Is it because this biological function reminds me of my own sexuality and the fact that I forever lost my partner?

Is it because it reminds me of the monthly conversation that would ensue after I told you things would have to be "on hold" in the bedroom for a few days because I "started"? You would almost always reply with some sort of sassy "Ah... That makes sense now," or, "Yeah, I kind of figured it was coming" comment to indicate in recent days I had been perhaps less than rational or a bit overemotional. To which I would ALWAYS reply, "Babe, if you THINK I am emotional or PMSing, then it is REALLY UNWISE to point it out." Is it really possible for someone to miss a conversation like THAT?

Is it because this time reminds me of the longing look you would get in your eyes after a few days and the gentle nudge you would give me as you passed by whispering, "Are you close to being done yet?" You always made me feel beautiful, loved and needed. Is it because no one is here making me feel beautiful and loved in an intimate way now?

Or is it simply because it is yet another painful reminder of the fact that despite your absence we cannot stop life from moving on? I can't even stop my own body from moving on.

I don't know the exact reason, but I do know that right now I miss you more than ever. I love you.



  1. Keep Believing that God will let you know what each cycle of life, mind and body means.

  2. It's all of that...and probably more. Hugs.

  3. Angie, I know that every day must be even more painful than the last. I don't have any wise words and certainly don't know what to say. Just we love you and we are still praying for you.

  4. It's probably a little bit of everything you mentioned, and just the fact that you're lonesome. I remember several weeks after losing my Dad, my sister and I cried together b/c we were just so lonesome for Dad's voice, smile, hugs... It had just been so much longer than we were used to going without them. That has to be magnified so much more for you!

    We prepare ourselves for the BIG things that we expect to give us a hard time in grief - birthdays, anniversaries, stuff like that. But it's the little things that catch us off guard that really throw us for a loop! One day I was driving beside a big blue Kenworth tractor-trailer on the highway and just lost it (it looked a lot like the truck my Dad drove when I was a kid).

    Just know that grief is a process and it's different for everyone. There isn't really a right or wrong way to handle it, but you are certainly handling it in a very positive way and with as much dignity and grace possible.

    Thanks again for sharing your journey with us!

  5. I agree with the comment above. It is the little things that we arn't expecting that sometimes are the hardest.

    Like you really need something else to make that time of the month worse!! :) Oh and I am glad to read that other husbands have the same response as mine when it is that time.

  6. I'm actually kind of laughing at your post today. Not because I think it's funny because I do not...it's not funny one little bit...it SUCKS!!

    I'm laughing (only a little bit) because I remember thinking the same thing when I had my first time of the month after Shawn had died and it was the first time after I had miscarried our baby and I had the worst cramps. Shawn used to rub my tummy when I would get cramps like that and for some reason the cramps would magically go away. The magic of his touch I guess. Don't for one minute think this is silly to miss your husband during this time. It is not...you can miss him when ever or for whatever reason you want.

    What i have come to realize in the 8 months since Shawn has died and since losing our baby is that sometimes it is the "little" things that cause me to cry, have tons of emotions and miss Shawn more than ever. The little things like this kind of sneak up on you and hit you out of nowhere. It's ok to have these feelings....I think we need to have all of them. I've been doing pretty well the last few weeks and then this weekend I cracked over two stupid little things that left me crying and grieveing for Shawn like I havent done in a while. It's the process of things I suppose.

    I hope you have a "good" day and remember, if you need anything, anything at all please drop me an email. Unfourtuantley, I understand the pain you are going through all to well.

    I will be thinking about you and praying for you.


  7. I think this honesty is good for you--going straight through the grief, and documenting it, if you are a documenter, cannot help but be good for you.

  8. I guess I should try to cherish these exact conversations with my husband instead of finding them completely annoying. Thanks for sharing. I will try to remember to appreciate him more during those times.

  9. He will swallow up death forever!
    The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.
    He will remove forever all insults and mockery
    against his land and people.
    The Lord has spoken!

    In that day the people will proclaim,
    “This is our God!
    We trusted in him, and he saved us!
    This is the Lord, in whom we trusted.
    Let us rejoice in the salvation he brings!”
    Isaiah 25:8-9 (NLT)

    Dearest Angie,

    I love your heart and your transparency. They are the reasons why we all can't wait to read what you have posted. I am grieving with you over those stabs of anguish that remind you how life has changed so much. You and Brian were one person. The hole he has left is a gaping wound. But as I pray for you today, Angie, I am asking that the Lord Jesus Christ, who lives inside of you, would fill you with all hope as you trust in Him. You have shared how important it was to Brian to have you hold on to your faith in the aftermath of his death. Sometimes, Angie, I am convinced that holding on means fighting desperately. I want to assure you that you are doing GREAT--even on the days when you do not feel like it! One incredible day, sweet friend, when you are reunited with your beloved Brian, you are going to be able to able to look into the eyes of your Savior and say:

    "This is [my] God!
    [I] trusted in him, and he saved [me]!
    This is the Lord, in whom [I] trusted.
    [I will] rejoice in the salvation he brings!”

    Keep fighting, dear Angie, and keep believing! Love you--Shawn from TN

  10. Bless your beautiful heart...(((HUGS)))

  11. I can see how that would spark memories.You remind me to be grateful and to keep believing.

  12. I admire you in so many ways. I know how hard it must be and even though you don't know me, I am praying for you and your family and
    God will most certainly help you through these rough times. I believe writing is the best medicine...keep writing and I will keep praying..


  13. After reading this post, I am left with the idea of the cycles continuing. How we live on no matter what. And how much that hurts.

    Sending hugs to you.

  14. I wish I could take this away for you...but noone can. I don't think that there is any time that you miss him that isn't justified. Life is moving on...and your heart is longing to hit "rewind"...all things that you are feeling are not only understandable, but a true testament to how connected you and Brian were through your life together.

    I only have one thing to say that may make you chuckle for a moment...

    "...delicate flower can't take this big thing..."

    I know I've been laughing at that all day :)


  15. I have been here quite a few times and was somewhat familiar with Brian's cancer. I happened upon your site last night to find he had passed away. So I caught up by going back and wrapping myself up in your life.

    Your post is tender and true ... I hurt for you. Yet I feel a strong sense of you being ok on the other side of Brain's death. A friend whose husband drowned told me, after a year, that she was finally able to view the loss as an opportunity for spiritual growth. And she said she decided she was not going to "fuck it up."

    May your children continue to hold you up. And may you keep your heart open ... posting these letters to him is sending some very powerful stuff to us out here.

    Your purpose has already been defined and you are coming across loud and clear. Thank you for getting my attention. xoxo from The Prairie.

  16. You know Angie, your a perfect example of the person I strive to be! Keep lettin your words flow out on paper for all to see. It's a good medicine and the prescription is definitly from God... You Keep the tablet of your Heart open, and that's very Brave. I'm sure Brian is proud of your strength as well...I know I am and Thank You for letting me be a part of You! All of my Love, Shannon

  17. It seems to be about the circle of life, I guess.

    I learn something from you every time I stop by.

    Still believing.

  18. *hugs*

    You are a beautiful person.

  19. Oh Angie... my heart goes out to you. I experienced something similar after Zach's death, with my time of the month... I had my tube tied after my youngest was born (before Zach left us), but still felt an overwhelming sense of loss during my first post-period. I mourned the idea that I would never have another child (Steve thought I was going crazy).

    My thought is that as mothers (and strong women), we have to go on... no time to wallow in grief and depression. But our hearts yearn to be heard, as much as we try to ignore them. This causes bubbles of emotion to rise to the surface at the most unexpected times. For me this trigger can be a scent, a memory or something totally unexpected.

    I wish I could say that this never happens to me these days... but I would be lying. I can tell you that as time goes on, I relish this rush of familiar emotion, as the wave of sadness also intensely reminds me of my love and memories that have blurred and faded with time.

    Keep believing... I know its hard, but give into these moments, embrace them, relish the good memories, breathe...

  20. I have so many things running through my head just now to say to you. But they do not seem appropriate to say now as you are still geiving so deeply.

    All I want to say is that it will get easier for you and that with you writing to him is a wonderful way to work out your feelings. And I believe you help other with your writings. I see strength in you and hope that others take strength from this as well.

    I am not a religous person so all I have is my heart and it goes out to you and your boys.

  21. AnonymousMay 03, 2009

    I'm just so sorry.

  22. your insights into yourself and your grief surprise and amaze me.

  23. AnonymousMay 03, 2009

    I stumbled across your blog...long story on how...but as a stranger I have tears streaming down my face as I have been reading this blog for over an hour. I just want to hug you, more like cradle you in my arms and just pray, pray, pray.(and lend you my husband to do those pesky things around the house.) And thank you for making me realize just how good I do have it...I vow to not huff at my husband when he forgets to do something or takes longer to accomplish something than was intended. Please know that you and your family are being prayed for from our family.