Fear

Dear Brian,

Some days are just harder than others for different reasons. Some days I am so overwhelmed with my own grief, I feel angry at the world for carrying on as if nothing happened. Some days the housework and other chores pile up. Some days the children act out or simply act up.

And then there are days like today, for which I am completely unprepared.

The boys are going through a "FEAR" phase. They are afraid of so many possibilities of catastrophe happening to us. The other day, Gavin was terrified of possible burglary. He asked me a million questions about burglars and "what if" scenarios.

What if a burglary came?

We lock the doors.

What if we forget to lock the doors?

I never do. But you can start helping me lock the doors each night if you want. We can be a team.

What if the burglar has a saw?

I would hear it and I would call the police and the police would get the burglar.

What if the saw is quiet?

There are no quiet saws.

What if the burglar is faster than the police?

Then I would call Mike or Chris and they would be here and beat up the burglar really fast til the police came.

If a burglar came would you leave and run?

Gavin, I would run into YOUR and GRANT'S room and I would protect you and I would save you. I would never leave you behind. AND? I am a lot stronger than you realize.

It is difficult being the knight after so many years of being the princess. It makes me miss you so much.

Then, tonight, Brian, we had our first thunderstorm of the year. The boys were both terrified of the lightening, insisting the lightening would strike our house and cause a fire. I kept reassuring them our house was safe, pointing out all the times we have had wind or lightening or rain, yet the house has never had a problem. We would be fine. I missed you and your ability to reason with them. Sometimes your reasoning boiled down to comments like "Lightening would never strike here because I am Superman and it is afraid of me." They would giggle and move on, assured of your unreasonable ability to protect them. I felt safe, too.

You always had a way of turning this:

Into this:

Their fears tonight consisted of fire "what if" scenarios.

What if the lightening strikes the house?

It won't. Our house is safe.

What if it does and there is a fire?

Then we will get out of the house.

How will we get around the fire?

We will run.

What if we can't?

I would totally be able to. I would run and save each one of you and get you out safely. I would protect you.

If we have a fire will we have to live outside?

We would live with Mommo and Poppo until we fixed our house. Besides, why are you so scared of a fire. Why weren't you scared of lightening and fire when Daddy was alive?

Cuz lightening was afraid of Daddy.

of course

Well, I think Jesus will protect us all now that Daddy isn't alive. Lightening and fire are afraid of houses that Jesus protects, too

What if you don't survive the fire, Mom?

I will. Our house is not going to catch on fire and we are all going to be fine.

Mom, what if...?

I am going to pray now. Jesus, please protect this house. Keep us safe from all things that could harm us. Protect us. Help us to feel peaceful and calm. Help us to not fear. I, especially ask that you protect Gavin and Grant's rooms. Be present with them. Fill their sleep with good thoughts and love and peace. Help us to remember that you told us to Fear Not.

And, Brian, you know what? Gavin fell asleep to that prayer. His little eyes peacefully closed and he drifted into slumber.

I pray that I can fill the role of superman in their eyes. I pray that they can learn to accept that I would give my life to protect them. I pray that I can come across as strong and valiant to them to ease their fears. Because, you know what, Brian? Sometimes I share their fears. I can't help but thing some of the same "What if's" Would I be able to handle it? I think I can.

With Christ's help, I know I can.

I miss you, Brian, I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING