Thursday, April 2, 2009

Daddy's truck

Dear Brian,

As you know, we discussed selling your truck around Christmas time when it started to become evident you were not going to be able to drive again with your right side weakening and your stability questionable. I just couldn't get myself to list the truck while you were still alive although you were very okay with it. Then, I didn't want the hassle of handling the transaction and phone calls while you were getting sicker.

This past week, I have been agonizing over when and if to sell your truck. It is silly for us to keep two cars in the garage taking space and paying insurance on a vehicle that has incurred 40 miles since January - 30 of which were in the last two days.

But, you LOVED your truck. The boys LOVE your truck. It reminds them (all of us) of Daddy. They play in the bed. They feel more masculine. They see you in the truck. Gavin insists I should keep it for him so he can have it when he drives. I told him we can talk about a different truck in 9 years when he can drive. He wouldn't want this truck by then.

So, I drove your truck around the last couple days to get a feel for you and for it again. Could this be the car I decide to keep instead of the van? I can feel you in the truck. I can see you changing the stations with your steering wheel controls. I love that image. Want to know what else I can feel? I feel that 5.4L V-8 going 55 down a 40 mph zone still seeming like I am crawling. My size 5-1/2 feet are not meant to have that much power under my tiny toes. Also? I parked the monster yesterday. Let's just say it doesn't have the zippy little turning radius for maneuvering through parking lots and city streets.

I feel like a Polly Pocket in that beast. And while it reminds me of you, Brian, it just isn't me. So, after Spring Break in a couple weeks, I am going to list your truck. I know you understand.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING




39 comments:

  1. You are a lil' Polly Pocket...cute, sweet,...oh the plastic hair part....yeah, I guess not. This is the land of Polly at our house...and Polly doesn't come with a truck, or a van...a sport cruiser or VW bug looking vehicle are your choices....oh and a pony...they do come with a pony. : )

    On a serious note...I know this has been a very hard decision for you...along with all the HARD decisions you have had to make so far..and you do it with typical "ANGIE" style...grace, dignity, and courage. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

    From the blonde Polly,
    Kris

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  2. Thank You for sharing all of this with us. I know you probably get sick of hearing it, but you are a beautiful, amazing woman. I can understand how such a thing would be a terrible decision to have to make - especially when even the boys seem so connected to the truck as well. I would totally understand - would probably even do the same thing - if you decided the truck was the vehicle you kept. Sentiment makes absolutely no sense sometimes.

    Love, hugs and prayers are with you all!

    - COnnie

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  3. Dearest Angie, My heart is in my throat as I read this. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I can only imagine how many painful decisions you have had to make so far and how many are still ahead. If you are wondering if our Jesus cares about your crushed heart, this is what He promises in His Word to you:

    "In all their distress He too was distressed,
    and the angel of His presence saved them.
    In His love and mercy He redeemed them;
    He lifted them up and carried them
    all the days of old." Isaiah 63:9 (NIV)

    God's heart is breaking, too, because we humans just see life through a dark mirror. We don't have the answers to our most painful moments. But He will send the angel of His presence to save you, Gavin, and Grant. His love and mercy will redeem all that Brian's absence has stolen from you. I don't know when nor could I possibly know how, but He does. It may not be on this side of eternity, but He will never lie to you, Angie. Jesus Himself will lift you up and carry you all the days of your lives until you are all reunited in that beautiful place we long for so much. Heaven is going to be amazing. And God is going to wipe away all of our tears. I am longing for that day for you. I love you, sweet friend, Shawn from TN

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  4. Oh I love that picture! I think Brian would understand. Take that picture and frame it for the boys so they don't ever forget Dad's truck.

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  5. I'm certain that Brian would want his little Polly Pocket to have the car she's most comfortable with and to have the extra money from the sale proceeds and saved insurance costs.

    The picture you posted is fantastic. What a lovely way to remember Brian with his family and the truck.

    Still believing.

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  6. Love the pic - I agree - frame it take another of the boys playing in it (when they don't see you) and always remember - always!
    Gretchen

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  7. My heart continues to break for you. I think of you so many times a day. Right now, my husband is bedridden (has been for days) with a back, unable to walk, and I think of the toll it's taken on our family (this isn't the first time it's happened) and how YOUR lives must've been affected by Brian so much more dramatially. I also end up doing everything alone, without his help anymore, and I think of you and your boys and how you are doing everything alone. *sigh* It just makes me sad. For not knowing you, I sure do keep you in my heart and thoughts often. Your story has touched so many. Please keep writing. We love your posts/letters and I guarantee Brian does, as well.

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  8. a few thoughts: I see others beat me to it :)
    you are the cutest Polly Pocket ever!!! I admire how much thought and prayer you put into all of your decisions. Secondly, it's so hard to believe that your boys will be driving in 9 yrs! Take it from me, it goes so fast...Praying over your family and your decisions...

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  9. Let potential buyers know that there will be a rigorous interviewing process. For every answer Brian wouldn't have approved of, jack the price up another $200.

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  10. So many decisions...praying that you feel God walking you through all of them!

    What a cute pic!

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  11. What a rough decision--as usual you're going about it the best way possible. Hugs.

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  12. What a wonderful picture, for sure it needs to be framed. My heart goes out to all of you during this difficult time.

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  13. What an awesome pic filled with life and love and memories. It's such an action shot even though it's standing still....you know?

    I can only imagine these countless decisions you have to make...wow.

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  14. Angie,

    If you only knew the impact your words are making on so many people! Every time I read one of your posts-I feel for you and the boys. Each decision you have to make must be heartwrenching but I am glad to hear you are thinking each through carefully. Know that your pictures and words can help so many of us appreciate what we have and lovingly take advantage of each day God gives us. You are AWESOME! What an angel you are.

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  15. Angie,

    I too have one of those trucks that park in our driveway every night too, and I can not imagine.

    What I do know is that Brian understands. That he loves you, and that he knows you are doing what is right.

    Hang in there, and frame that picture. I love it!

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  16. You're making the right decision, Angie. Good job!

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  17. This just nailed everything you are going through. It is one thing to deal with your loss but it's all the day-to-day decisions of things that were dear to him that just make it that much more difficult. Hugs to you but that picture brings me happiness.

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  18. I know you must miss Brian, I'm so sad about that and so sorry. Every time I come to your site I feel Brian and I didn't even know Brian. You keep Brian's memory alive through your words, Angie.

    Take care and I'll see you soon - Kellan

    PS - When I was young I had two very special boyfriends - both were named Brian (I lived in Germany at the time). I think of them fondly still to this day. I'm writing a novel right now and happened to name the main male character Brian. So many times when I am writing I think of my Brians, but I have to admit - I sometimes think of yours too. I hope that's okay.

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  19. Aww. That would be so hard. But of course Brian understands, and agrees with your decision.
    Definitely frame that picture.

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  20. Just cancel the insurance, park it in the front yard, put a couple lawn chairs next to it, and call it the boys' new playsystem. The neighbors will love it!

    Kara

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  21. Bo,family,and truck lookin good!!!

    Dad,with a slight tear

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  22. I am praying for yall and I know that God is watching over your sweet family. I also know in my heart you would rather have your Brian healthy and in your arms, and yet you go on. Gods grace and mercy never cease to amaze me;Only in how it comes. Hugs from Oklahoma cj aka carla aka nannie

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  23. Angie, I stole this from the utube that Shawn sent out:

    I wasn't there when Brian came into this world, but it was an absolute honor being part of your lives when he left. Thank you, dear friend.

    Kara

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  24. I just love that you write to him. This. The others. What a special way to honor Brian. You may not need the truck when you have your loving memories. Hold on to those details....

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  25. That must be so difficult for you to do. I hope that you are in a good place in a few weeks when you go to list it. I can see how much you loved your husband and it really is inspiring.

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  26. I love how you pour you into every single post. How difficult everything you are going through but yet you still shine so brightly Angie..

    Big hugs for you ... you have no idea how your strength beams off this blog.

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  27. I can picture you just barely peeking over the wheel!

    Deciding what to do with the personal possessions is such a tough part. We have an old dresser that used to belong to Dayven's dad. We painted it and use it now in Wyatt's room. Dayven swears that it still has his dad's smell - a mixture of his soap/aftershave or whatever, I guess. He says every now and then when he is taking Wyatt's PJs out, he will catch a whiff and it will remind him of his dad. It's funny how our memories can be tied to things like that.

    Remember they are just "things" and not who he was. You will always have those treasured memories of him, regardless of what happens to the STUFF.

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  28. I understand your agony and wanting to hang on to the truck, we all want to hold on to the things that remind us of our loved ones. It is so awesome that you have such a wonderful photo of you, Brian and the boys in the truck...that is one that you should have enlarged and maybe put in each of the boys rooms.

    You still have your amazing way with words and I hope that someday you will think of having some of your writing published. Still thinking of you and praying for you.

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  29. Be sure to take lots of pictures in daddy's truck before you sell it. Maybe even wearing one of his favorite hats. It's a cool truck and I can see why you son would want to keep it.

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  30. Missing your posts.. Still praying for you.. Hope your day is sunny there.. it is beautiful here.. Sending warm hugs.. God Bless you,
    Liz

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  31. Thinking of you, Gavin & Grant every day. Praying the Lord will give you strength and wisdom when you return to the house next week, and asking that you will feel comforted by His presence and by the knowledge that so many of us love you and are here for you - any time, for any reason.

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  32. This is a neat picture of your family, but at the same time it is heart breaking. I pictured my husband in his truck like that and I just felt so bad for what you must be going through. It's just a dumb truck, but at the same time it represents what our guys are all about. Big sigh.

    I hope you are doing O.K. I think about you often and pray for a river of the Spirit's strength to flow through you until the pain is eased a little.

    Easter is approaching and our pastor always called it the Season of Miracles and renewal.

    {{{{Big Hugs}}}

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  33. Hi Angie~I stumbled upon your blog via Kelly' Corner and am ever so thankful I did. You are truly an amazing young woman, which I can relate to on so many levels. I have been attempting to get my own blog going for over a year now, but just hadn't quite decided my blog 'subject.' After reading your entire blog, Angie, I need to thank you for answering what has been tugging at my heart. I will now call my blog~"Dear Dad" ~ because I'm finding a need to talk to him, daily, nightly and sometimes several times a day.~~
    I am a certified grief counselor and truly admire the very healthy way you are expressing your feelings here. You, have taught *me* so much, just by sharing those raw feelings so dear and close to your heart.~~
    What an incredible young man your Brian was. Amazing husband, Father, Son, Brother and friend. I wish only the most BEAUTIFUL things in the lives of you and your precious sons. God BLESS you~and thank you for sharing...Today, I am a better woman, by simply reading the blog of a stranger. (((HUGS))) Cindy

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  34. Such a sweet, sweet post. You have such a way of conjuring things with your words....

    I'm praying for you.

    Cxx

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  35. Angie~

    I can't remember who sent me your way, but a kind lady who reads my blog told me about you, your family, and your dear husband.

    First of all let me say how very sorry I am for the loss of your husband. Nothing can prepare a person for the loss of thier loving spouce.

    I however know how you feel. My 31 year old husband died very unexpectadly on August 18, of a blood clot that formed in his cornary artery leading to a massive heart attack. Ten days before he died we found out that I was expecting our first child. Five days after Shawn's funeral I found out that for whatever reason our baby stopped growing, I miscarried 3 weeks later.

    Before Shawn died my blog was about our daily life. Since, it has been my saving grace of sorts. I write about my thoughts, my feelings and what I go through on a daily basis with losing both Shawn and our baby. I believe who ever told me about your blog thought it maybe a good idea for you to look at and read my blog. I have a few other blogs that I read that are written my other widows as well. It has been amazing to me the amount of support I have received from people who read my blog that I don't even know.

    Anyways, I would like to invite you to read my blog. If you don't want to I totally understand. The one thing I have learned in the last almost 8 months since losing Shawn is to take your time and do things at your own pace. But I would like you to know that I'm here for you if you would like to talk or email.

    My blog address is www.taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com

    I will add you onto my reading list and I will think about you daily.

    Try to have a good day.

    ~Jenny

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  36. I remember going through that when my dad died. I got his truck and drove it around for a long time. At first, it was so big. Then I got so used to it that now I hate driving around in small cars. Feels like being in a hole! LOL! Even after having had the truck for a good 4 years, when it came time to trade it in, my boys cried. They didn't want to let go of Grandad's truck. Ever. It was a hard but important lesson for them to know that they could let go of the stuff without losing their Best Buddie, too. Unlike you, though, I wasn't smart enough at the time to make sure we had pictures.

    All that just to say this: sell the truck. But first take pictures of each of the boys behind the wheel and playing in the bed. Brian will understand. So will the boys some day.

    Hugs, darlin. Gotcha covered in prayers. xoxoxo

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  37. Great picture. You kinda look like Polly Pocket there too...love that image.

    Sweetie, you know best.

    HUGS.

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