Monday, April 20, 2009


Dear Brian,

After a weekend of almost too much activity packed into it with the hope of keeping myself preoccupied enough to avoid the pain of your absence during our anniversary weekend and the first weekend without family staying in the house, this Sunday evening Gavin and I unwound in front of the TV with a video. Our wedding video.

It was painful.

First of all, the quality of the video is so poor it is sometimes nearly impossible to distinguish who is who.

Secondly, the videographer was such an amateur. There is constant background noise, sometimes video of the floor or of the wrong event, etc. The splicing is poorly timed. The focus is in and out. It is awful.

Thirdly, the Catholic service we had was so ridiculously long with every single option thrown in for the sake of hearing another song or adding every bell and whistle possible. To all our guests who were there that day, WE APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING YOU SIT THROUGH SOMETHING THAT LONG!!! It had to be painful for you. I fast-forwarded through half of it, and it was still painful for me.

Fourthly, Gavin was on my right side the entire time asking a constant stream of questions:
Was that when Dad could walk fast?
Is that you in the fat puffy dress?
Mommo looks way different.
Where am I?
Why does Andrew look so mad?
How come the limo we rode to bury Daddy wasn't like THAT ONE?
Why is Mindi pulling on your dress?
Is your finger too fat? Daddy can't get the ring on.
Mom, stop rewinding. I already saw this part (Mindi was fixing my dress again.)
Mom, when are you going to talk?
Why does Dad have a flower on his shirt?
(During the Ave Maria) Mom, why are you and Dad looking at that? Did they make you?
Did you want your dress to get dirty now? (after I was bustled and stopped having someone carry my train)
Did you get married in the 80's?
(After pointing out all the great=grandparents who are now passed) Mom, do ALL great-grandmas and have to die from cancer, too?
Why is Murph marrying Heather? Where is Jen?
When can we watch the other video where you and Daddy talk?

Also, it was painful because your cancer was in your brain that day, but we had no idea. Just 30 days later, we would know it. We had our dreams, ambitions and so much excitement welling up in us, blissfully unaware of the drastic change soon to uproot us. It is surreal to watch us knowing what came next.

Lastly, it is painful because I long for you. I long to be kissed by you. I long to feel your fingers entangle with mine in our comfortable hand hold. I long to hear you breathe. I long to feel your warmth. Even in your failing health, you provided me with a sense of security, safety and protection. I yearn for more of you.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. I am praying for you all today. Keep believing, my dear. - Julia at Midwest Moms

  2. I have been on vacation the last 1 1/2 weeks and the first thing was your blog. The tears are pouring down my face and I am reliving the first month after my husband Tom died. You are doing everything right to keep your children and yourself on the track that Brian would have chosen for you.

    Keep believing and you will be surrounded by God's loving arms.

  3. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. What I love most about this? Is that you are still so damn funny.

  5. You Amaze me. You are in our prayers and we send many bloggy hugs.

  6. I am a new reader to your blog. I am praying for you and your family. What an inspiration you are to me. What a wonderful way to honor Brian. Sending you (((hugs)))!

  7. Prayers! You are a strong woman!

  8. I'm sorry you hurt so badly, but know there are a lot of us praying for you.!!!!!

    Hang in there, we love you.
    :) hugs

  9. i long for you to have him.

    i can't imagine your longing.

  10. This is beautiful and heart-wrenching. I'm so sorry.

  11. My heart aches for you and Gavin and Grant all the time...every hour and every minute of every day. You are doing great...but I know you really wish this was an awful dream that you could just wake up from. I heard a great song on WCIC this morning...Mercy Me is who sings it I think...about longing to be with a loved one in heaven.

    "I've never been more homesick than now...
    Lord I don't understand your ways...
    If home is where the heart is then I feel out of place...I long to be right here with you."

    It just sounded so perfect to describe how you are feeling. I'm here for you...anytime, anywhere, anyplace.


  12. Blessings and hugs,
    from my heart to yours...


  13. Angie...I sent many prayers heavens way yesterday and today for fact this morning I prayed that GOd would wrap His arms around you and that you would physically feel it. Then I asked him if he would introduce Brian to my sister's husband-in-heaven John...I think they would have gotten along great down here so they would have to up there as well, huh?!? :) Hoping that each day gets just a little easier to remember more good times and hurt a little less. God bless you! KEEP BELIEVING!!!

  14. I only have access on weekdays and I am so sorry I missed it, but Happy Anniversary Angie. You are beautiful. Your posts are beautiful. Your family is beautiful and I am so grateful for you.

    - Connie

  15. I am so very, very sorry. Hugs coming your way right now.

  16. Suddenly I am wishing I had a videographer at my wedding in case my sons and I have this same moment... but praying that I never do. You're so strong.

  17. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  18. Prayers to you and your family! Gavin and Grant are so lucky to have you!

  19. Hey sweet Angie,

    You do it to me every time! I always have tears in my eyes after I read one of your beautiful posts. Your heart is so transparent. What a gift you are to all of us. I'm praying for you, my friend. Love and hugs, Shawn from TN

  20. Came here vie What Works for Us. You are an amazing writer - I feel your ache and longing. Keep writing. And a big hug from me to you.

  21. I too feel the need to apologize to family and friends every time I watch my wedding video .... and see how LONG that Catholic mass was : )

    Wishing you peace, as always .... and wishing it didn't have to hurt so much <3

  22. Love and hugs. We think of you and the boys often.

  23. My husband chose to play an ABBA song during our wedding.


  24. May peace and love be with you today...