Thursday, April 9, 2009

stepping up

Dear Brian,

It is no secret that in the aftermath of your death, the boys lost their male role model. Because of this, I have to step up and take on some testosterone induced activities in order to let our boys be boys. This is so counter-intuitive to me, but I know it is necessary.

Earlier in the week, I took the boys to the St. Louis City Museum and climbed through some structures that I would have never considered a couple years ago. Also, I took them to the St. Louis Zoo and looked at nearly every exhibit. You loved the zoo. I don't love the zoo, but I loved it through your eyes and now I love it through their eyes. My own eyes would rather see the inside of the St. Louis West County Shopping Center.

Just yesterday, I took the boys on 4-wheeler rides. I even had to disconnect a trailer attached to one of the 4-wheelers. My hands and shirt were grimy and greasy upon completion, but I figured it out and we were on our way. Also, I took the boys to the barn at Memaw and Papa's to feed the goats and climb around on tractors.

Tomorrow I may even take them fishing and play in the hayloft.

Did I mention that your friend, John, is coming tomorrow with his own boys? That may help a bit.

Baby steps.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. Hi Angie,

    I've been reading here for a while and wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you. I'm a St. Louisan, too---if you ever need company for a zoo trip, please let me know!

  2. Hi Angie,

    I'm so proud of you for unhooking the trailer and going 4wheeling! Since I always went out with Dad to do that stuff, I'd have no trouble...however trying to picture TJ doing that with Nate and Claire is a bit more of a challenge.

    One tip on the fishing...make sure and take an old towel to wrap around the fish to hold them while removing the hook & cleaning. I still can't just grab them...have to have the towel!

    Keep it up, you're doing great!


  3. I think Brian is probably smiling to see you doing all this stuff! Greasy shirts and fishing, you are a good mom :)

  4. Dear Angie,
    Is it any surprise to you that you could accomplish these tasks? You are amazing... please don't try to deny it because you are seriously the smartest, most intuitive, most common sensical (is that a word?) woman I know. But, these are just physical and mental tasks to be accomplished. The road ahead with your boys will be a much more treacherous one. However, I have no doubt that you will handle it with the same determination balanced with gentleness that you do with everything you set your mind to.

    Love, G

  5. I am so glad you are able to spend time witht he boys doing things they loved to do with Brian.

    You are doing a great job. Enjoy the Spring break with them!

    We love you. :)

  6. What a great mom you are...thinking of what your boys really need, and going out and doing it. You and your boys are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

    I hope dirt and grease get more enjoyable for you!

  7. You are so filled with courage, grace, and love. I enjoy following your journey.

    Still believing.

  8. Angie,
    I really thought of a lot of these things before Brian died & thought to would I do those things if I were to lose Larry (my husband)? There are so many things that I simply don't know HOW to do ....not to mention things that I don't really care to do simply b/c I think of them as being "dad" things. I'm proud of you!!!! Your boys will never forget the first time mom took them on 4 wheeler rides & climbed through the structure at the museum. You rock, mama!

  9. Angie,
    I am so proud of you for doing the things that don't come easy for a mom. We are definately wired differently than our husbands - but we can do the things that they do, when we put our minds to it.
    I love to hear of your adventures and what you are accomplishing - you make Brian proud - you make everyone proud! See you when you return!

  10. I admire you for stepping up! And I really admire you for disconnecting the 4 wheeler from the trailer. Grease? Tools? Huh? I don't speak that language.

    You go girl!! :)

  11. 4 wheeling? You are a devoted mama (and papa). xooxxoo

  12. Way to go!! I am sure that your boys will grow up to know what a special mama they have, just like Brian knew he was blessed with the best wife ever.

    Thank you again for sharing these personal letters with us! :)

  13. Wow! Great job, Angie! I am so proud of you for taking these BIG steps. You are doing a wonderful job.

  14. Holy cow! You're doin great. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

    By the way, I told Stork we missed you. He said "hahaha, we have her, and you can't have her back!" I think he's having a little too much fun!


  15. You continue to amaze me every day! I'm so proud of how you choose to take each day in stride and "step up"...but I have always known you to be that kind of are truly God's gift to those boys.


  16. Hang in there Angie. I know Brian is looking down on you smiling. Look for him everywhere. He is there. Enjoy your trip.


  17. You're a wonderful, brave mom and GOD loves you--and Brian will be waiting for the three of you whenever God decides for His children to come to Him. What a wonderful day that's gonna be for all of us who believe.

  18. Message to Stork....GIVE HER BACK!! we miss her like crazy!!! can't wait to see you girl!!!

    Love (and miss) you, Shawn

  19. You are still so amazing----and still in my prayers. You seem to be doing SO well!! I hope this is true---I know you must still be writhing in pain, understandably so, but you're being so strong. Please keep posting--it reminds all of us why we need to keep praying for you.
    Sugar in New Orleans (found you off Kelly's Korner)

  20. You're showing them how to keep living, by living yourself.

  21. I just found your blog and am in tears. I am praying for you and your boys and your boys are blessed beyond belief to have a mother who is doing things to keep their lives normal and moving on with her life. They are sooo lucky and you are showing them that just because something bad, something terrible happens you keep on living :)

  22. Angie,

    Kudos to you! Sometimes it isn't easy to be forced out of our comfort zone, but well worth it in the end. I'm sure your boys appreciate your soft, feminine side too.

  23. Sister, you rock those baby steps.

  24. I am not at all surprised! You can do ALL things through Him who gives you strength. You can, you do, you will, you are, and you will heal too.

  25. I hate to say what someone else already has...but you are indeed showing them how to live by living yourself..

    xo Hugs

  26. Happy Easter to you and the boys Angie. You are doing great! Hopefully there will be men come along that help out too, sometimes you just have to make the need known and they will gladly lend a hand. Listen to me---LOL---I am the last one to ask for help when I need it!

  27. Angie,
    Happy Easter to you and the boys !! I am glad
    your having fun at your Mom and Dads please tell then I said hello. I think Kara said your coming home on Monday have a safe trip and we will see you on Monday !!

    P.S. I want a 4-wheeler ride !!!

    Love, Mike , Kathy and girls

  28. Angie,
    Easter Blessings to you and your beautiful boys. You are an amazing person and mother. You and Brian raised your boys well and I know you see him in them. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep blogging, letting us know how you are doing. Wish I could do more.

  29. You are my hero. Absolutely inspiring.

  30. Hugs. Has anyone told you lately what a GREAT Mom you are? You ARE. Hugs again.

  31. YOU GO GIRL!

    So sweet. The mall does smell much better than the zoo, but the boys don't care. BOYS!

  32. Amazing! Your boys are so lucky to have you. I'd like to think I'd be game in the same situation, but I know I'd girl out at the first sight of bugs!

  33. Angie-
    I thought of you and the boys this Easter weekend and sure hope y'all did okay. Keep being strong---you still amaze so many people. I know Brian is in heaven rejoicing-
    Sugar in New Orleans