Saturday, October 17, 2009

I am smiling as I write this

I am smiling as I write this.


For no reason in particular.
No big revelation.
No news.
Nothing, really.

I am smiling as I write this because I am trying to train myself to smile more in my everyday life.

You see, I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately - a lot of "what was I doing this time last year?" And this time last year, we had this news. I spent two hours the other night reading all my posts from October through January - reading the rollercoaster we called LIFE in those three months. Holy SHIT! By the way, I am trying, VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY, not to curse as much, but I figure I have pretty good control over at least not writing it out. Still, HOLY SHIT is all I can think worthy to write when I read the posts from last October til the time Brian died. I didn't even have the emotional stamina to keep reading past the news in January that we faced.

Still, while reading all of those posts - while quietly reflecting lately on what life was like a year ago and 7 months ago today when Brian passed -I couldn't help but notice a pretty familiar theme.

Despite the chemos, the ups and downs, the ever changing symptoms, the heartache, the insurance woes, the waste-of-time doctor visits, the sick kids in the midst of it all - despite ALL of that - I was able to instill some humor in my posts. And it wasn't forced. Forced humor is obvious. It was real. I was actually pretty funny sometimes.

While I know that JOY and HAPPINESS are not one in the same, we had JOY that led to happiness even during that traumatic time. Brian had a way of keeping the air light and enjoyable even while his body slowly faded. And it wasn't forced. Forced joy is obvious. He had true JOY in his heart that exuded from him and was absolutely contagious.

So, I write this with a smile on my face today because for now, I am going to force the smiles at home - a place where the smiles have been few lately. I figure if I write with a smile, then maybe something funny will come out again - maybe I will look back on this post one day and see some happiness in the midst of it all. I figure if I start forcing the smiles now, the joy and the happiness will have to follow suit.

For right now, though, my cheeks just hurt.



  1. Damn Angie, I mean dang, you cuss a lot. You also make a lot of people smile, that is when you are not making them cry. You are a one woman chick flick.

  2. You are Mighty again Angie! Lots of love and God Bless, Monika van Hoeve & Family.

  3. You make me smile so much Angie, in the midst of your heartache. And the cussing? My dear mother found that the S word just really worked in so many situations. It just made me love her more.

  4. Isn't there a saying--"Be the change you want to see?" I think you might be onto something.

    Yes, you have always seemed to have a knack for finding the humor.

  5. Angie,

    One of my favorite quotes:

    Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
    ~Mark Twain

    And here is another:

    I can't control the cards I'm dealt, just how I play the hands.
    ~Professor Randy Pausch

    I love the way you play your hand.

    Still believing,


  6. Now I have a smile on my face... Thanks!

  7. I can still remember as a kid that saying SHIT was, for some reason, completely acceptable by my mother in our house. She said it all the time. But I never once heard her utter the f-word or even b*tch. But I guess "shit" is West County acceptable. Go figure.

    And, I'm a big believer that acting like you like doing something when you don't feel like it makes it seem a little less horrible and a little more bearable. Even if you don't believe it at first, eventually the habit of being happy wins out the consistency of hating it. At least that's what *I* keep telling myself! LOL

  8. Come to bodypump tomorrow, so your "other" cheeks can hurt too!

    I love you.