Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It gets easier. I guess.

This thing called grief - it gets easier. I guess. I guess the fact that I have successfully gone through every article of Brian's clothing and distributed it to friends or family, kept it for the boys, designated it as an item for the memory quilt, boxed it up for goodwill or simply called it a shoprag means that the pain is easing a bit. I guess, anyway. It is difficult to tell. I guess the fact that I have a pretty "normal" routine with the boys every day is a good sign that our transition to our new circumstances continues to go smoothly.

With the easing of the pain to get through day to day activities comes a strange sensation of not WANTING it to get any easier. I want to feel the absence of Brian. To not feel the absence or to become comfortable with it further evidents the reality of the situation. The surreal nature of life without Brian is wearing off. I'm not entirely okay with that. I think those that were closest with Brian are not entirely okay with that, either.

This thing called grief - it is confusing. It is contradictory. It is illogical. It is necessary, but it is confusing.

But it gets easier. I guess.

I am beginning to hate the word grief as much as I hated the word tumor. It is too vague. It sounds as though it should be more easily described or defined, yet I can't even begin to describe to people in words, actions or emotions what I am experiencing. What I feel, how I react, where my mind takes me - all surprise me one day to the next.

Grief. It is a word that we think encompasses a process or formula, but it is insufficient.

Grief.

Yup, I hate that word.

Even so, it is getting easier.

KEEP BELIEVING

12 comments:

  1. Grief is such a long process, one word doesn't seem like enough. Still thinking and praying for you and your boys!!

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  2. Am wishing that word wasn't in your vocabulary. Thinking of you and the boys...

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  3. Good days and bad. Good words and bad. Sigh.

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  4. I'm glad it's getting easier--at least for now. You deserve a break.

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  5. Yes, it does get easier with the passage of time. The big BUT is that it will be with you forever. When ever I see a bride walking down the isle with her father I know that my daughter had to do with a beloved stepfather at her wedding. With the passing of each of my husbands family members I know that he is not there to say goodbye.
    Then there is the little but. He is in heaven with God. He doesn't hurt anymore. He is infinitely happy. He is with his baby sister, his Dad and his Mom. He is home.
    Prayers continue for you and the boys in this time of transition.
    Your sister in Christ, Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

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  6. Grief does get easier with the passage of time. However, grief never completely goes away. Even though life goes on without our beloved husband, we and our children are FOREVER changed. We are not the same people we were before nor will we be the same people we would have been if he was still here. We may move on with our lives, make new routines, and even enjoy happiness but there is still a piece of us missing. Somehow we make a new life for ourselves, and no matter how strange that may seem at times, it is a blessing. It will be nine years ago this coming Sunday that my husband unexpectantly died, and for some reason I am having a really hard time with it his year - after all this time. Even though I have remarried and love my new husband with all of my heart, my heart also still aches and longs for and misses my first husband. Thank God the grief does get easier. Thank God He is here with us to get us through those moments when it hits us all over again. I, too, will pray for you and your boys during this time of transition.
    Another sister in Christ, Kim from Nebraska

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  7. I think you're right. Grief is too vague, like love is too vague. There are so many aspects. To Kim, I'm praying for you too.

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  8. Grief....it may as well be a four letter word. Glad you're doing a little better day by day. Still praying for you and your family-
    Sugar

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  9. Grief is like love....one word could never encompass all that it means or that one feels. I do know that ALL things that you are feeling are understandable. I can only imagine for you, but when Carter died I didn't want the days to get easier...and I felt really guilty when a day went by that I didn't mourn him...but then days turn into weeks and months, and then the feelings turn mostly to peace as my life filled with new things to be thankful and joyous about.

    Love you,
    Kris

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  10. Angie,
    Almost a year ago, a life-long friend took his own life. I struggled with his loss for a long time, and know just what you mean about it being surreal.
    Just the other day, my 4 year-old remarked that her Halloween party at school was just 2 weeks away, and that she hoped that nobody would die that week so that I could be at her party this year. I broke down in tears. Not only because I WAS at her party last year, and missed the funeral to be there because I felt it was such a big deal at the time (and she doesn't even RECALL that mommy drove home late at night the evening before just so she could be there). I mainly cried because I hadn't even realized that we were coming up on the 1-year anniversary, and I was feeling numb to it all. It isn't surreal anymore, I can't say I'm consumed with thoughts of him every day any more, and I feel horrible about it. As the grief subsides, so do the constant memories and feelings. Like Kris said, they're replaced with peace. I'm thankful for that, but feel guilty for that all at the same time.

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  11. My Mom used to go on and on about how she hates the word "closure".

    Close what? There's never closure. You're never ok with it. It never stops.

    It's not that pain or "grief" gets easier or that the pain is any less painful...it's that you just get used to living your life with that constant pain. You get used to living your life just missing them and wanting to see them again.

    But it's never easy. And there's never closure.

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