Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Loving me

 Dear Brian,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Today, I was at our old house. The house that is now rented out to a wonderfully gracious family from Japan that has absolutely no clue whatsoever about taking care of a yard. I pulled weeds. And then I pulled some more weeds. After that, I pulled some more weeds. Then I began to hack at some weeds. Then I tugged at some deeply rooted thorny weeds. Later, I told my father in law to whack those puppies with the trimmer and douse em with chemicals!

While I was in the midst of weed pulling bliss, my old neighbor came out. Connie and I began to share in some pleasantries and then get to the meat of what is going on in my life. The injustice of divorcing a man that is incapable of compromise, yet totally capable of manipulation and outright lies. The horrific process of moving my children for the third time in a year due to my own inability to see him for who he really was. The bitterness my children are feeling towards me and towards Bill for having to move from their friends and their neighborhood since he refused despite the fact that we had lived there for their whole lives and Bill had lived for less than a year. The sadness Connie feels as a neighbor who simply misses me and my boys' smiling faces. The regret she feels for us as all anyone wanted for us who had been through such hell in the last several years was to have us HAPPY. And how we were... for a while.

Then she shared a story with me -

A few years ago at a school function of the children - you were sitting in the front row on the bleachers where you were capable of sitting when you could no longer maneuver stairs. I was on the floor taking pictures or videoing or something along those lines. She said, she looked at you and you were smiling and just gazing at me as I unknowingly went about my business. She saw what you were looking at and said, "She's quite a gal there, isn't she?"

You didn't stop your gaze and said, "Yup, she sure is."

Connie tapped your leg and said, "She's gonna be just fine, Brian. She's a strong woman."

You looked at her and said, "Yes, she is. I know she is."

And I remembered. YOU LOVED ME. You loved me for ME. I didn't have to be someone I am not. I didn't walk on eggshells. You didn't try to control me. You loved me for all I am. You accepted me as I am.

So as I want to thank you for loving me for the way you loved me. I want to thank you for showing me what true love is. I want to thank you for accepting me as I am. I want to thank you for making me a better person because of your love for me. Thank you.

I needed today, more than ever to know that I am lovable. To know that unconditional love exists.

Because if what I experienced over the last year is all I knew of love. And all my children and I are experiencing now at the hands of someone who claimed to love us was all I knew of marriage.

I would give up.

Thank you, Connie, for the reminder that there is real love. That there is truthful love. That i am worthy of it.

Thank you, Brian, for personifying it.

And I am gonna be just fine. We all will be.