Cold.....chemo....snow....fights

Today is a snow day. Which means my plans of working out in solitude, showering in peace, and running errands efficiently have been left unplowed beneath the several inches on the street. They will be found after the Clipper leaves us and the snowplows shove enough accumulation off the road to find the remnants of what remains important. Nothing like children at home to remind us of time management and prioritization.

I wanted to take this moment to update you on Brian after his first round of Carboplatin and Avastin. Monday morning, before his dad picked him up for treatment, Brian had a vomiting episode again. Bummer. BIG BUMMER. He hadn't had one in over a week. He had another when he arrived at the clinic. He took the chemo fine. He was pale and tired when he got home, but he did okay.

Yesterday, he had several vomiting fits again. We are unsure if this is chemo related or connected to whatever else has been going on with him. He is not nauseated and does not feel bad, he simply feels an urge to vomit and cannot stop it. It is rather unpleasant for all because he is not quick enough on his feet to make it to the toilet and not stable enough on his feet to get to a kneeling position in front of the toilet. He keeps a bucket nearby. He does not feel a huge urge or sensation, it comes upon him quickly, so often the kids are nearby when it happens. I think it scares them. Yesterday, I was upstairs on the phone and Grant came up to tell me to please check on Daddy. He said he heard Daddy throwing up and I should check on him. So, I did. Then I played MarioKart with Grant to get his mind off it. I asked him if he had any questions or if he wanted to talk about it. He didn't. I told him I was very proud of him for helping take care of Daddy.

Brian has started to walk with a cane this week. I am glad about this. He is stepping on his right foot wrong more and more often. He walks pigeon toed with his right foot and often steps on the outside of his toes causing his foot to roll. I am afraid he will sprain or break something. The biggest problem with the cane is that he has to use his left hand to hold it. This is his only free hand. He can't really hold things in his right hand. It limits him even more.

His speech has been hit or miss. He says he is experiencing the "chemo stupids" - meaning the chemo makes him stupid, sort of clouds his thinking.

He will be due for another MRI in about 2 weeks or so.

The cane and vomiting are starting to scare the kids more, I think. They are asking me more and more questions about death - particularly Gavin. It is difficult to field. I have always been very honest and open with them about Brian's condition so they do not feel scared or are not blind-sided if Brian takes a turn for the worse or has a bad day. Lately, though, Gavin has been more scared. He does not want to leave the house to play with friends. He only wants them here. He says he doesn't want Daddy to die when he is away. He makes me check on Daddy at night sometimes when I am putting him to bed so that I can assure him that Daddy is still alive. He is worried he may be at school when daddy dies. He is simply more scared. We have talked about what would happen if Daddy dies and that eventually Mommy would go back to work so I could pay for us to live. He was very worried about what that meant for him. He understands now that he is getting older his everyday life would change. Mostly, though, he cries that he doesn't want Daddy to die because it would mean he would never see him again. I really don't know how to handle this exactly. I assure him we will be fine. Daddy is okay today and we need to enjoy each day right now. We can't worry about dying because we will all die some day. We just don't go around thinking and worrying about it all the time. Gavin is my worrier. He is my thinker. This is troubling for him. Rightfully so.

Well, I have to go break up the third fight of the day. It is not even 9:00 am. Ahh, snow days.....

KEEP BELIEVING