As if I keep reading it, then somehow....

I keep clicking on and opening my own blog. Over a hundred times a day. I don't know why. Yes, I read the comments. I take them in and savor them. I read every single one and every single email that comes. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.



But the reason I keep reading is more this time.



I had been dreading the day I may have to write that post - the one that tested my very core and inner faith. The one that I knew would make some that have believed in our story and our plight for so long doubt themselves and their God. The one I knew would make nay-sayers smug - saying where is your God now? I prayed for God to give me the words to make an impact.



Yet, I am profoundly disappointed at my own words. My lack of creativity. The void of almost anything spiritual. The absence of that which is inspirational.



Still, I keep reading it over and over.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow circumstances will change.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow time will stand still.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow things will not progress.



As if I keep reading it , then somehow this would no longer be our lives we are living, but someone else's for which we are empathetic.



This is our life. I don't want it. It doesn't matter. This is our life. My future is disappearing before my eyes. My dreams are dying slowly each day. I do not get to grow old with my husband. I am about to enter single-motherhood. I have to worry about how we are going to get by. I have to figure out how to make things stable and secure for my boys in the aftermath of losing the person that is supposed to protect them the most.



And none of it is my choice.



Yet, I continue to go back to my own words: "..finding peace in the last 11 years of our struggles has always been a choice. It is a conscious effort on both our parts...We are not defined by our circumstances in life. Peace comes from how we choose to respond to our circumstances. There is nothing any of us could do to honor God more than to handle our circumstances with the utmost dignity and Christ-like character possible. I look at Brian’s attitude and the choices he has made over the last 11 years, and I see nothing more God-honoring than that. "



I have a choice now. My choice is to seek the peace that surpasses all understanding. Because there is no logic. There is no understanding this.



KEEP BELIEVING