Saturday, January 24, 2009

As if I keep reading it, then somehow....

I keep clicking on and opening my own blog. Over a hundred times a day. I don't know why. Yes, I read the comments. I take them in and savor them. I read every single one and every single email that comes. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.

But the reason I keep reading is more this time.

I had been dreading the day I may have to write that post - the one that tested my very core and inner faith. The one that I knew would make some that have believed in our story and our plight for so long doubt themselves and their God. The one I knew would make nay-sayers smug - saying where is your God now? I prayed for God to give me the words to make an impact.

Yet, I am profoundly disappointed at my own words. My lack of creativity. The void of almost anything spiritual. The absence of that which is inspirational.

Still, I keep reading it over and over.

As if I keep reading it , then somehow circumstances will change.

As if I keep reading it , then somehow time will stand still.

As if I keep reading it , then somehow things will not progress.

As if I keep reading it , then somehow this would no longer be our lives we are living, but someone else's for which we are empathetic.

This is our life. I don't want it. It doesn't matter. This is our life. My future is disappearing before my eyes. My dreams are dying slowly each day. I do not get to grow old with my husband. I am about to enter single-motherhood. I have to worry about how we are going to get by. I have to figure out how to make things stable and secure for my boys in the aftermath of losing the person that is supposed to protect them the most.

And none of it is my choice.

Yet, I continue to go back to my own words: "..finding peace in the last 11 years of our struggles has always been a choice. It is a conscious effort on both our parts...We are not defined by our circumstances in life. Peace comes from how we choose to respond to our circumstances. There is nothing any of us could do to honor God more than to handle our circumstances with the utmost dignity and Christ-like character possible. I look at Brian’s attitude and the choices he has made over the last 11 years, and I see nothing more God-honoring than that. "

I have a choice now. My choice is to seek the peace that surpasses all understanding. Because there is no logic. There is no understanding this.



  1. You are right Ang! And I would like to hope that if faced with your circumstances, I would "choose" the same thing...I just don't know I would. You are AMAZING to me! You are such an inspiration! I know you will make all the right choices and you will look to Him for your answers. We are praying day and night (and a million times in between) for you all! Don't lose sight of God and the amazing things He has to teach us all through Brian and his illness! I am here and I love you!


  2. My heart has ached more for you and your family in the last 24 hours. We do not know eachother - you may recognize me if you saw me- I am in your mom's group at Northwoods (and realized I live in your neighborhood!). Ever since I heard about Brian's cancer returning 2 years ago at Moms and More I have tried to "see" how your family was doing through the vines. "What could I ever do for this family?" I would ask myself. I have been and will be praying for you, Brian and your boys day and night. I am so amazed at your family's strength during this time. Truely amazed. You have come this far during a trial I cannot even fathom. And this is it. Everytime I have seen you - you have a smile on your face. You are so strong and you dont even realize your own strength right now. You have it. BELIEVE it. BELIVE HIM. HE is with you - right there and I feel it. I feel it for you. God will be there next week, next month and next year. I will be here ready to help when needed - right now praying for a beautiful family that has endured and persevered with so much dignity. Amanda (still praying!!)

  3. Angie, I wish that there were words that I could say that could give you peace. You and Brian have inspired and touched more people than you will possibly ever know. I have learned more about faith and love through your blog than I have through anything else. More than anything else, your and Brian's story has taught me to Keep Believing. -Karla

  4. Gee Angie I am at a loss for words. I have been praying for you and your family since I found your blog a few months ago. You don't know me but I feel I know you. I am so sorry you are facing such a terrible time in your life. God knows your heart and he has you in his arms at this very moment. I can only imagine what you are feeling not knowing from one monment to the next what will happen. Use your time with your family to show each other what a wonderful blessing it has been to be a family and how you will miss Brain BUT what a comfort you have knowing he is with his Heavenly Father. Weeping may endure through the night BUT joy cometh in the morning....Loving you in Michigan

  5. Angie,

    Karen, Will, Aaron and I pray for your family daily. I can't say much more.......I'm sad, very sad......I read it and I cry... I think of Gavin and Grant....and I cry. I have no profound bible versus to quote, no words of wisdom to offer...I simply just cry.


  6. Angie,

    I met you at Bill Fulton's house quite a long time ago when we all got together for dinner. My husband, Jason, also knows Brian from the marketing training class.

    I have been following your blog for quite some time. We are praying for miraculous peace to surround your family right now. Savor every second and know that God is in control.

    My mother has suffered through 2 brain tumor surgeries and all the treatments that go with that. Her first tumor was found right about the time that Brian's first tumor was found. I am so sorry you are enduring this trial, but I do know that God is bigger than anything.

    We will continue to pray for you daily. Stay strong! Autumn and Jason Raw

  7. Angie, take what you can/want from this. Your story, Brian's story, your struggles with faith, your triumphs of faith all of that has strengthened my own faith, my own prayer life, my own relationship with God.

    I have never been a super religious guy, but in the time that I have been following your blog I have joined a bible study/prayer group at my church. I started thinking that I needed to get off the sidelines and take a more active role in my relationship with Jesus.

    Nothing about what you do here is in vein, your 'worst' moments are growth experiences. Vent away, God knows, keeping it in isn't fooling anyone. It's perfectly normal - anything less would be an insult to God.

    Love to you and all around you. May you find peace, may God be with you always.

  8. Angie,
    You are right, there is no understanding and never will be, BUT you do know God and His ways are not our ways and it just does not make sense to us. Oh how I am praying for you all. God does have a purpose for you and Brian and he will give you peace and someday joy again. I know it is so hard to imagine going on without Brian but God will give you strength and you will continue to smile for him and for your boys. I am praying for strength and peace for you both. God bless you.

  9. You're right, this wasn't your choice. Nobody would choose this road that you've been traveling on for their life. God knew the stories of all of your lives before you were even born. He put you in Brian's life knowing full well the trials he would face. He gave you two beautiful boys that He knew would lose their father. He knew what you are capable of, the strength you have within you, and the purpose of your life. I pray that you keep believing in that. Believing in yourself. Believing that you are doing and saying and thinking exactly what you need to.

  10. God, Angie. I'm so sorry to hear this, so sorry you have to deal with all this. There aren't words. Hugs to your family.

  11. I'm glad you were able to write this. And post it. And I hope you feel the amazing lightness of our hands touching your shoulders.

  12. Angie, you are a woman who is wiser than anyone I know. You are right when you say there is no understanding this. My prayer for you continues to be for strength and peace...that you will get by, moment by moment, one day at a time and that you will be able to draw strength and peace from our Heavenly Father who loves you, Brian, Gavin and Grant so dearly.

  13. Angie,

    Again here I sit at 10 PM searching for the right words to say. Just please know that I don't believe you are doubting God. He never said life as a christian made your life better. What he did say, is that he would be with you while going through the hard times. Continue to do what you are doing. Lean on HIM. CRY out to him, and yes, tell Him that this isn't fair. Then feel His strength and try to live each moment for what it is.

    Again, I am sorry. Never apologize for not having the right words on your own blog! We can tell what a beautiful person you are.

    Hang in there, and we are still praying....

  14. You are right, there is no understanding this! BUT, God has a plan for you and your boys. Feel His strength, and know that you will be a stronger and better person because of and after this journey. God Bless you and your family!

  15. Angie,
    If I lived closer, I would be there tomorrow with a meal, a hand with the laundry & dishes, some books & toys for the kids, a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. But I'm way down here in Texas & can't reach you from please accept this cyber hug ((((ANGIE))). I'm praying for you, honey!

  16. I hope you feel the love that is coming from all over for your family. Life is hard to figure out sometimes.

  17. You don't have to worry about being a "good" witness for Christ right now. Just be real, lean on him with all your pain. When you are angry or are wrestling with God's will in all of this, it simply shows you are human. We all experience these feelings at some point or another. Christ followers will pray for you, those that are seeking will know you are genuine. My prayer for you tonight is that God will grant you rest, a full measure of rest.

  18. Angie- you know its strange, I havent talked to you or heard anything about you for probably 12 years or more, till you found me on facebook, yet over the past 3 days I have not been able to get you and your family off my mind. You are an incredible person, Ive alwasy thought so, your personality shines like no other. Your humor constantly kept me laughing! Hang on to your faith, and dont let it go!

    in my prayers-

    Jill Sandifer Bruss

  19. I found the link to your blog several weeks ago from a friend's blog - I visit almost everyday...You are lifted in prayer...from what may seem like a stranger to you - but is a sister in Christ...

  20. I pray that you find that peace, Angie. I pray for you and Brian and the boys multiple times a day. I pray "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:7

    "Trust in him at all times, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8

  21. Your words are inspiring, but your LIVES are the testament, and everyone can see that!

  22. Angie: C.S. Lewis once said that the real test of faith in something like the strength of a piece of rope is not when you use it as a cord to tie a package but when you hang on to it while suspended over a ravine. The true test of faith in God is when that is all you have to rely on. Pastor Ron said this morning that it is in the storm that we learn who Jesus is just like the disciples did during the storm when He slept in the boat. Yes, God could speak to the winds and the waves and still the waters, or not. Either God is control or He is not. We do not know all the reasons things happen to us in our lives when they happen, but from a distance looking back, we will be able to see that all is for our good and His glory. Just like Abraham hoped in hope, Angie and Brian, trust in God. Lean on Him. I pray for your peace. Read Isaiah 57:1-2. Love, Jane

  23. Angie, will continue praying for you and your family. Keep looking to God, he will give you the strength, day by day, hour by hour and even minute by minute that you need to get thru each day.

    We have an awesome God!
    Hugs from Decatur, IL

  24. Angie,

    Like many of your other readers, you don't know me, but I feel like I know you. I have followed your blog for almost a year, and with every new block that has been put in your path I have prayed for you and your family. This blog is like your therapy and you vent and write what you want on it, I pray that you Keep Beleiving and know that there is a plan and a power bigger than us watching over your family right now.

  25. Angie: We are here, all praying for you and Brian and the boys. Again, you have "ran" an incredible race, like Paul talks of in Corinthians. You will never know the countless lives that you have touched, and perhaps your faith has brought another to Christ. God is still on the throne, and I can only imagine how proud HE is of you and Brian and the testimony your lives leave behind! I know HE must be saying "Well done good and faithful servant, well done!!!!" We love you very much Rhonda

  26. Oh Angie, I never wanted to read this post. I am heartbroken with you. Continuing to pray for your family, sweet friend...

  27. There is no need for poetry . . .

    Your heartfelt honesty is more than enough.

    "Because there is no logic. There is no understanding this." I guess this is why we leave it in His hands.

  28. You are, indeed, an inspiration. You are a strong woman who has a lot on her plate. I came over from "Upside" and felt I needed to pass on to you words of encouragement. I will keep you in my prayers as you help your husband cross over into His waiting arms.
    God bless you.

  29. There may yet become a time when the poetic words return. But I firmly believe that God gives us enough to get through what we must -- enough strength, enough courage, enough love. Sometimes it's just-enough or only-enough or barely-enough, but it is enough.

    I am praying that you are able to feel even a fraction of the loving prayers that are being sent to you and your family and especially to your husband right now.

    My prayer for you is peace and comfort. Take each day as you feel the strength to. And know that whatever you are able to do, it is enough.

    - Julia

  30. "The one that I knew would make some that have believed in our story and our plight for so long doubt themselves and their God. The one I knew would make nay-sayers smug - saying where is your God now? I prayed for God to give me the words to make an impact."

    The thing is, Angie, your words cannot create the doubt and smugness in nay-sayers. That's already there. But your words can make an impact, and they have.

  31. Angie,

    Understanding is one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle with this.

    I have a poem that I keep in my wallet. I had it placed on memorial cards at Zach's funeral.

    The title is "Child of Mine"... but I think that it can really apply to anyone of any age.

    There is as much of a lesson from God in death as there is in life. God's gift is not always that someone lives, but how that person touched your life while they were here.

    A Child of Mine
    by Edgar Albert Guest

    I will lend you, for a little time,
    A child of mine, He said.
    For you to love the while he lives,
    And mourn for when he's dead.

    It may be six or seven years,
    Or twenty-two or three.
    But will you, till I call him back,
    Take care of him for Me?

    He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
    And should his stay be brief.
    You'll have his lovely memories,
    As solace for your grief.

    I cannot promise he will stay,
    Since all from earth return.
    But there are lessons taught down there,
    I want this child to learn.

    I've looked the wide world over,
    In search for teachers true.
    And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
    I have selected you.

    Now will you give him all your love,
    Nor think the labour vain.
    Nor hate me when I come
    To take him home again?

    I fancied that I heard them say,
    'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
    For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
    The risk of grief we'll run.

    We'll shelter him with tenderness,
    We'll love him while we may,
    And for the happiness we've known,
    Forever grateful stay.

    But should the angels call for him,
    Much sooner than we've planned.
    We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
    And try to understand

  32. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and your guys. All I can do is pray and send you all the love and warm wishes I can imagine.

    Angie, you are the hero I want to be when I grow up. Every word, every action, every thought you share screams courage, faith, and strength far beyone anything most of us can even try to fathom. God bless you, sweetie. And your guys. xoxoxo