our interview - a few things I WISHED I would have said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but the last post I gave you a link to our interview at church lat weekend regarding finding peace.

As we were leaving the parking lot, I was overcome with a few thoughts I WISHED we would have shared. This is the letter I wrote when we got home so I could capture those thoughts.

Pastor Cal,

Brian and I completed our interview yesterday with Dave regarding our difficult situation with Brian’s brain tumor, bleak prognosis and finding peace in the midst of that.

Naturally, as we drove away, Brian and I thought of 10,000 things we wished we would have said that we didn’t say – the countless times we experienced God’s grace in the midst of our struggles – an inspirational card sent when it seemed all we could do was cry – a letter from someone Brian barely knows telling us watching Brian and the way he handles the situation gave them a renewed hope and attitude in their own trials – an insistent lending hand just when I thought I couldn’t handle another unexpected task.

However, I think what we most regret not saying outright is that finding peace in the last 11 years of our struggles has always been a choice. It is a conscious effort on both our parts. Brian had a choice as he lost his ability to use his right hand to never throw a ball again OR to teach himself to throw with his left hand. He chose his left hand and he can still pitch to his boys in the backyard. He had a choice to never write again OR to teach himself how to use his left hand for signing his name and eking out some legible penmanship. He chose to teach himself how to write with his left hand. Brian could easily choose to sit in a corner and fall into a deep depression, which would be understandable given his diagnosis and resulting issues, but he chooses not to wallow in despair. No, he rallies each day despite his own body making it difficult to do so. As for myself, I have a choice of not having things performed around the house because Brian can no longer do them OR I can become Brian’s hands and speech where he cannot. Brian has taught me how to better handle confrontation in a calm and respectful manner when he was unable to speak the words he knew needed to be said. Brian has walked me through wiring outlets and 3 way lighting fixtures when his own hands failed him. Brian has taught me how to handle power tools and hand tools and other trades equipment. He is giving me life skills to handle the things life may throw at us in the event of his possible death, but for now, it gives us great pride to accomplish life’s challenges together – as a team. I have a choice each day of denying the situation and living like it isn’t happening OR making each day memorable and enjoyable.

Whenever people tell us they admire our strength, our determination or our attitude, I tell them there is nothing special about us. We are not defined by our circumstances in life. Peace comes from how we choose to respond to our circumstances. There is nothing any of us could do to honor God more than to handle our circumstances with the utmost dignity and Christ-like character possible. I look at Brian’s attitude and the choices he has made over the last 11 years, and I see nothing more God-honoring than that.

We choose to love and to laugh and to cooperate and to communicate and to make each day count for something. It would be easier not to choose these things, but it would rob us of peace and joy that is so readily available. We choose peace.

In Christ,
Angie O’Neill

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