role reversal

As a result of Brian's illness, it is no secret or surprise that I find myself in a role reversal situation. For instance, I am the primary driver now. In fact, I am the only driver now. I was used to sitting back during our cross-Illinois and Missouri trips and being in charge of the IPOD, the DVD player and the children's requests. Now, I find myself constantly saying, "Mommy can't do that right now because I am driving a car." I am getting used to the role reversal, but some days I just get a little angry at it.

Last week, I hung all the Christmas lights outside. I made the boys help me as it was a beautiful day and I truly needed the help. Still, a task that only two years ago Brian performed.

Also, I find myself trying to fill, for lack of a better term, VOIDS in the children's lives - those areas where I know they crave the male companionship and camaraderie that Brian would normally fill but simply can't. They long to go to the sporting goods store with Dad to look at camping and hunting gear instead of the grocery store with me looking at jasmine rice. They long to wrestle and horse-play with Dad instead of sitting and reading and coloring with me. I know this. It is so contrary to my intuitions, but I make myself do these things in order to give them the normalcy they deserve and the type of attention they crave.

We received our first significant snowfall yesterday and last night. Over 4 inches of incredibly HEAVY, WET snow fell on Central Illinois. In the middle of cleaning the kitchen post breakfast, I looked out at the boys playing and decided to don my snow gear and let the messy kitchen wait for me. (It did, unfortunately.) We built a snowman. I took them sledding. And when they decided they wanted to have a snowball fight, I decided I was finished. Some things I just won't do. Instead, I attempted to shovel the driveway. When I realized that 1/4 of the width of the driveway filled my shovel with snow too heavy to lift or budge, I decided I was truly finished and I came inside.


This morning, as the boys were getting on the bus, I watched them dredge through about 5 inches of heavy wet snow and slush, so I decided to get out the shovel again. I blazed a path from our house to the bus stop for their comfort and pedestrian ease. I also thought about Brian. Today he goes for his MRI. His Mom or Dad will be coming to pick him up. I didn't want him to have to worry about maneuvering through the snow, so I found myself heaving cumbersome shovel-fulls of snow off the driveway. I sprinkled some salt on the icy spots and I am hoping it does the trick for easing Brian's trek to the car. I have learned from watching him that it is easy to take many things for granted. One of those things is the ability to move gracefully. He can't stop himself or balance himself when conditions or his body fail him.

I have also come to know that as much as the role reversals sometimes get to me, they certainly distress Brian even more.

KEEP BELIEVING