Because of Cancer... The Agonizing Wait

Some people live paycheck to paycheck, spending their days surviving on the sustenance that each payday provides until the next arrives. The first few days after payday are intoxicating with the sense of feeling rich again, enjoying life and luxury. There is a sense of freedom when that check arrives. Then reality sets in. Bills are due; food needs to be provided; and emergencies arise. The next payday is anxiously awaited knowing that there is little left to sustain until the next sweet check arrives. But, what if the job that supplied the income was always on the line and the next paycheck came with a pink slip as well…

We live MRI to MRI. The first few days after MRI results can be bliss. When results are good, we relish in delight knowing we have just bought 8 more weeks of freedom. Freedom from thinking the worst. Freedom from investigating other treatment options. Freedom from a nervous frenzy compiling records and documents, then making a series of phone calls and follow-up phone calls in order to seek other opinions. Freedom from contemplating so much about cancer in general for at least a few weeks. Then reality sets in. Every ache, pain, tingle, twinge, bruise, mistake, scratch, stumble – these all take on new meaning in our house, causing wonder and worry every time Brian has any of the above symptoms as to what exactly it implies. Brian can’t just have a simple headache without horrific thoughts entering our minds about what is potentially growing in his head. If Brian is tired one day, we can’t just chalk it up to a sleepless night. We immediately wonder if some sort of ailment is plaguing his body due to cancer growth in his brain or chemotherapy tearing apart his body. If his right hand falls asleep, we wonder if the evil tumor is making its presence known before we wonder if he simply had it in an awkward position. If his speech is more slurred than usual, we agonize over whether or not it is the beast rearing its ugly head before we wonder if Brian is just tired. Simple things are not so simple for us.

The worst part is that there is almost nothing we can do. We have to await the next test and its results. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes not knowing, but only wondering, is still freedom. But freedom starts to slip away as we know there will be news…

There will be the next step… RESULTS DAY.

KEEP BELIEVING