Monday, December 17, 2007


Brian started chemo last night. Watching Brian take chemo – which he does every 4 weeks – makes my skin crawl. I loathe the day he walks in with the pills and has to sort them out for the next 5 nights. Usually the rattle of a paper bag would peek my inquisitive nature causing me to investigate its contents (ya never know, could be chocolate), but this time the rattling of the paper bags is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my ears because of what’s inside. I can’t stand the way Brian has to take the $7 each (AFTER co-pay), anti-nauseating, (constipating-causing), pill an hour before he takes the actual chemo drug. I hate listening to his having to get back up JUST before he is about to fall asleep in order to ingest poison into his body. I loathe almost everything about it, but not in an annoying sense like “listening to someone chew with an open mouth.” It’s not a pet peeve type of hate but a different hate that I can’t explain well. I hate that it is so easy for me to just carry on my own life while he is in the middle of it all. I feel guilty that we barely know Brian is even taking chemo this week. Is that strange? I hate thinking about what it is doing to his poor, battered body. I love him. I hate the fact that this is part of his life. I hate it on so many levels. I hate that he does this 5 out of every 28 days in his life. Makes my self-pity issues I have during the “5-7 out of every 28 days” in my own life seem so petty. I hate that I ponder and analyze it so much.

Brian has another perspective. I love this man. I told him the other day that I hated thinking about what the chemo was doing to the rest of his body. He said, “Then don’t think about that.” He is so valiant. His perspective on the chemo and the “poison” as I refer to it is that it is poison for the cancer. He will do and take whatever is necessary to help him get better, and this is working right now. Why would he worry about what it is doing to the rest of his body when he needs it to do something to the cancer? He loves that this chemo is so easy on the boys and me and that we are relatively unaffected by it. Don’t get me wrong. He hates chemo, too. He just chooses to look at if differently than I do.

Did I mention that I love this man?


  1. Sounds like you married one pretty amazing man!! That is very impressive to be able to look at it that way. I think I would tend to look at it the way you do.
    Try to have a good week!


  2. Hey Angie and Brian, it is so good to read your blog! Thank you for all the time you put into writing it - by the way, you are a very gifted writer! You may have to publish your story someday. I just wanted to let you know that we havent forgotten about you in Canada! We think of you often and pray for you as well. I hope you have a VERY BLESSED Christmas and a New Year filled with JOY and renewed HOPE. Love Janelle and the Xtreme Kids team at St. Albert Alliance.

  3. Wonderful husbands are a blessing all their own...God has blessed you and will continue. Sorry that it's Brian's 'time of the month'.

    Stay positive.

  4. He does sound amazing - it can not be easy, but I thank God every day that we have Chemo for so many cancer patients - it is hard on the body, but it does attack the cancer, right? I hope he handles it well. Take care. Kellan

  5. Brian is amazing and always has been. You knew that the moment you met him.

  6. Oh my...I don't know what to say. Thank you, Angie. I think I'll go hug my wonderful husband and tell him I love him, too.