Monday, December 31, 2007

Things I learned from paranoid junk mail forwarders this past year

I am forwarding this forwarded email (I hate forwarded paranoid email urban legends) to all of my readers in the spirit of reflecting on 2007. 2007 was a very complicated year for us. To look back on it causes me a simple appreciation for life, yet a lot of pain and conflict in my heart. I prefer to reflect upon silly things like this:


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay up hones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant deathwhen it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day.

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



  1. LOL! Is it wrong that I'm not disappointed about the insufficient brain activity but want to correct the insufficient sexual activity?

    I LOVE this post!

    Happy New Year! May the coming year be more wonderful than the last!

  2. LOL!! I hate getting all those emails too! Why do people do that? Have a great New Year!!


  3. Very funny stuff!!! It reminds me so much of my mother - who becomes anti-whatever if she hears it on Fox News and has to then spread the news to everyone in hopes of saving us all. Too funny!

    I hope you and your family have a Happy New Year and I hope to see you often in 2008 - see you then. Kellan

  4. This is hilarious! Unfortunately, my husband's aunt emailed me every one of those while I was pregnant with our first daughter. In my hormonal state, I emailed her back (after one of the "don't be ashamed of Jesus-forward this to 3,000 people" emails) and let loose a tyrade that will go down in family history. She has sent me only 2 or 3 emails in the past 7 years!!!
    Thanks for the laugh!