A letter to my boys

My Dearest Gavin and Grant,

Please trust me on this. You do not want that box of cereal that costs 50% more than all others on the shelf. You will hate it. The contents will taste like sugar-coated colored cardboard. Just because Mickey Mouse’s face decorates the front of the box does not qualify the cereal as better tasting. Nor does it mean the cereal comes with an all-expense paid trip to Disneyworld with free time off school. Nor is there any magical device in its contents that will transform you into Winnie the Pooh in the 100-Acre Woods. In fact, there is no toy inside at all. Believe me, this box of cereal will sit on the shelf after the first opening and taste test while your favorite Golden Grahams and Lucky Charms make 3 rotations before I finally end up tossing its stale remnants.

While we are at it, just because that box of graham crackers has Superman on the box does not mean you will inherit x-ray vision, super speed, the ability to fly, or abs of steel able to deflect bullets. It does not come with any sort of superhero watch, toy, book, figure, pencil, flashlight, sunglasses, video game or anything else your imagination has conjured up. Having Superman on the box does not even necessarily make the crackers inside Superman-shaped. All it guarantees is I will pay the 20% more for 25% less volume than the same undecorated product box while DC Comics gets to shamelessly plug its latest rendition of Justice League. The same show that doesn't air until 6 weeks from now after your bedtime that you will beg me to watch every morning for the next 42 days.

By the way, the boxes once empty are garbage. They are not spaceships. They are not boats. They are not puzzles waiting to be cut into 237 pieces. They are GARBAGE meant to be put in the TRASH CAN. Please do not ask me to cut out Mickey’s Head for you to sleep with tonight so I can find it under your bed in 3 weeks and throw it away unnoticed. Please do not ask me to keep the box for you to transform into a bed for your stuffed animals so I can find it under the coffee table and put it in the toy box tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the next day until I finally throw it away unnoticed again.

Just trust me that I know what you like better than you know yourself. Advertisers are simply trapping you into falling prey to their latest gimmick. Trust me that I can spot a marketing ploy 100 miles away... oh wait…cool…look at that brightly-colored, well-lit display… A SALE......

KEEP BELIEVING