Tuesday, April 8, 2008

We Are Not Good at Taking Help

Because of our situation with Brian’s health/illness, we are often overwhelmed with offers of help from others. If you are like most, you know what I mean. “What can I do to help?” “Let me watch the boys for you.” “Can I bring you meals?” It is a great pouring of support from all around; however, there is a problem with this. WE ARE TERRIBLE AT ACCEPTING THE HELP. Because seriously, right now, we don’t need the help. We are coping fine for now. The kids are a welcome distraction and the fact that the “herd” of friends they travel with often ends up in my back yard, brings me joy because while they inevitably try to involve me in every tiff, I also get to enjoy their laughter and squeals. Cooking dinner is often one thing in my day that takes me away and makes me feel productive and creative. It brings me joy again. Dishes, um, not so much. Wanna come over at 7 and do my dishes while I enjoy a glass of red and watch? The thing is, I know there are some that would actually do this for me, but you can see why I may have a hard time accepting THAT bit of help.

Help is just something I don’t feel worthy of.

For instance, my group of church girlfriends who have blessed my life immeasurably, are constantly offering to help. I think they are rather some strange group of alien life in human form, though, because upon feeling overwhelmed recently, one said, “Let me come clean your house. I like cleaning houses.” Whaaaa??? Another said, “Oh LAUNDRY! I’ll help you do your laundry. I LOVE LAUNDRY!” I’m telling you, not human. Anyway, instead, they take me out. Well, we meet a lot as a group and I don’t think that would change regardless of our situation, but I feel like they are taking me out. They take me out and we laugh and talk and kick back and they make me feel like Angie, girlfriend, instead of Angie, wife of the cancer patient. Recently, however one of the girls, who is a stylist, gave me a gift cert for anything I wanted. It couldn’t have been more perfect because I was in dire need of a cut and I have no one I see regularly. Brian gave me the spa cert for Valentines Day and I was excited because I say they also cut hair there. Brian was disappointed because he did not give me the certificate to get a haircut. He insisted I use Shawn’s offer despite my reluctance. I am just not good at taking the offers of help. I was blessed by Shawn’s generosity. Was she blessed in return? I didn’t see how she could be. One of my girlfriends last week told me when I mentioned how difficult this was for me, “You know what my Grandma used to tell me you say when someone offers or does something nice for you?” “What?” I asked her. “You say, THANK YOU.” I told Shawn ‘thank you.’

K, J, and S (me in the mirror flashing)

(left to right) K, K, J, J, me, C, S


Brian has very few passions in his life. Well, that sounds wrong, but what I mean is that he is not selfish with his time or money and doesn’t demand things that I know many other men do that take these resources away from his family. He is, however VERY PASSIONATE about music. He loves his IPOD with a passion. He loves his 187 gig of music with a passion. It is his hobby and he derives great joy from all kinds of music. Not like my quirkiness with music, but great joy. Due to Brian’s weak right side, he often accidentally drops or kicks things. Over Thanksgiving, Brian dropped his beloved IPOD. He lost everything on it, restored factory settings, and reloaded it within the week. However, for the last few weeks, it has not been working correctly. This is Brian’s number one hobby. I mentioned this to Cheryl, my sister in law, who said she would mention it to Brian’s brother, Sean, because Sean knows of a place in town that quotes to repair IPOD’s. I told Brian Sean would probably look into repairing his IPOD. So, imagine Brian’s shock on Saturday when brother Sean walks in and says, “Bo, I know you mentioned you wanted me to bring my IPOD since yours isn’t working correctly, but I talked to Murph (Brian’s other brother) and we just couldn’t have that, so why don’t you go load this up instead?” Out of his pocket, he pulls a spanking new 160 gig IPOD and hands it to Brian. Brian is near speechless, “What are you doing?” he asks Sean. Sean says, “Happy birthday?” Brian’s birthday was November. It is April. We all know this was an amazing act of kindness and generosity from Brian’s family for Brian’s benefit and comfort. Brian was trembling later with humble gratitude, but I don’t think his family saw it. The difficulty with accepting the gift is that given different circumstances, his family would have said BUMMER regarding his IPOD and we would be currently researching IPOD’s. However, given different circumstances, Brian would not have dropped his IPOD, so how can you compare?

These gifts come because of our difficult circumstances. Brian said the hard part is that he doesn’t want to be “THAT GUY” that brings out these amazing sides of people’s kindness, “I know that sounds stupid to you, probably,” he said. “Makes perfect sense to me. Neither do I, but we are,” I told him. I hate one-sided generosity and what I feel is one-sided friendship. While Brian and I know we are good people and we love having friends, sometimes we feel as if merely our friendship is not quite enough in return. I am coming to the conclusion that IT IS. Brian and I constantly struggle with finding good in our circumstances. Maybe one of the goods is helping others find that special something inside themselves causing them to come out of their own comfort zone and give out of the genuine goodness in their heart. Maybe?

KEEP BELIEVING

24 comments:

  1. Angie, Brian, and kids....it's me Char..I read your blog...daily sometimes 5 times a day just to see if you have updated it...i don't leave a comment but believe me when i say I check your blog...but today..you really hit a spot for me..."it's bringing out the sides of people stuff"...you are TRULY an inspiring gift to all...i love your blog, your essays, your kindness, and your love for Brian, kids and everyone that you have touched. I better not write anymore...cuz I already have tears welling...(and i'm at work!)...shhh..please keep your head high...and accept all acts of kindness...because you GIVE all of yourself to others....

    Luv you guys lots...and thinking of all y'all from cool Canada...

    Smiles,
    Char

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  2. I don't have anything deep to offer here as right now the only thing that comes to mind is:

    160 GIG!! Come on. Scary thing is Brian probably has it full already. 22000 songs. Brian probably will find it painful to whittle out his music that doesnt fit.

    Nice work Sean and Murph. Those dorks probably bought themselves one at the same time.

    Enjoy Brian!

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  3. Angie, I've been reading your blog for a while but I don't think I've ever commented. But today reminded me of a message I heard the other day. I won't go into all of it as it is lengthy, but in essence, God sometimes has to make us freely receive before we can freely give. I hope that makes sense to you, it did to me. Not that I think you don't give, by reading your posts, I know you do. Anyway....keep the smile.

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  4. some day there will be a time when you can do something for all these wonderful people. for now, let them help and love you the only way they can.

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  5. I am going to mirror some of the other comments.. Your blog, you, your love for the family and your devotion to Brian is beautiful. Let others help because they are offering and doing out of the love they have for you.

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  6. It is hard to accept help. People are trying to be nice and help and it is hard to sit by and let people work for you and spend time and money. It is also very kind and loving and helps to remind how much people are good and care. I have to always remind myself that i need to let people help, becuase that is their way of making them selves feel better...it helps them to feel like they are helping and contributing some how.

    So good to know that people are trying to take care of you guys and look out for you all. It makes me feel better to know that people are constantly looking out for you guys.

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  7. Talk about a table of HOT CHICKS! WHOO! Angie, I speak for everyone out of our group, you should never feel like you don't "contribute" or add anything to our lives. You are such an awesome friend and have blessed us all by being just that. None of us girls are superheros~ we just truly value you, your friendship, and your family! No matter what your situation. You have such a funny sense of humor and are so stinkin smart :) YOU ROCK! We love ya!

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  8. Your friendship absolutely is enough.

    You know you would both be the first to help someone else, which is why everyone wants to help you.

    When your friends are having tough times you feel so helpless as a spectator. Helping them, in big ways and small, makes us feel less helpless.

    What I tell my friends is that you are really doing us a favor when you accept our help; you allow us to feel we've done something good.

    When my mother was dying I took help from many quarters and was very grateful for it.

    In a way I think it boils down to all of us wishing we were in a situation where we didn't need anyone's help.

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  9. Great pictures and great friends! I so understand what you're saying about accepting help. Sometimes though you just need to step back and accept!

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  10. I have a suspicion that many of your friends think your friendship is one sided in the opposite way you do. They love helping, but feel like they don't do enough for you. Weird how that is. The mere act of you getting up out of bed and Brian going to work every day is a blessing to the rest of us that I cannot put into words. The girls night out looks like a blast...wish I were there.

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  11. I'm with HRH. Your friends are probably wishing that you'd LET them help, with anything.

    I won't offer to come do your dishes, but I would totally come over to drink a glass of wine. I'd even bring the wine. :0)

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  12. I'm so impressed with Brian's iPOD that my head might JUST explode. That's impressive!

    And I know what you mean, accepting help is something that takes time.

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  13. I know what you mean - totally. But ... I believe that people should give to other people and when they do and it is genuine - they are rewarded in ways they never realized. That is what you give those around you that are wanting and willing to give - they are rewarded and it feels good. It is good for people to give - it is not always easy to be the receiver of the gifts.

    Take care - good post!! Kellan

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  14. People do what they CAN do...because they love you and because they CAN'T change your circumstances.

    It is them showing love, Angie...and as long as you GIVE LOVE back, they will be happy.

    ((hugs))

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  15. Angie, let me just tell you that from reading your blog I know that you and Brian are enough - more than enough for your friends and family. It is clear that you are so well loved and how appreciative you are of your friends in return. Those girlfriend pictures are wonderful. Treasure those friends. And remember that people actually feel good helping, because often they don't know what to say when things are tough and doing is a way of saying that.

    Sending light and prayers your way, special lady!

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  16. Oh I love you. And after losing one of my best friends to cancer a little over a year ago, and having cleaned her house weekly for exactly one year prior to that, along with the rest of our small group girlfriends, I'd say PLEASE - whatever you do - PLEASE accept the help - to clean, to do dishes - get into the trenches in your home. It will comfort them beyond belief and it will help you to sit and enjoy your glass of red with your kids and your husband - the MOST important thing right now.
    TELL them what you need done (all of it) and let them do every bit of it. From a friend's perspective, it's such a helpless feeling to see those you love go through these circumstances and not be able to fix it, so those offers are completely as much for your friends as they are for you guys. It's your duty as their friend to let them help you this way, because you'd do the same for them. That's all they can do physically, when sometimes praying just isn't enough. And they'll be thankful for the close time in your home. Please trust me on this. Truly. I'd have picked sewer grime from the drain with my teeth if my friends let me - all to be closer to them. I want to sob - promise me you'll accept all of it and never think twice.

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  17. The women who have already commented have said it all. Please listen and take it to heart because they are absolutely right.

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  18. I think all of these friends of yours are blessed to have you in their lives. Your family is so amazing!

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  19. Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you guys today :)

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  20. How wonderful that you have such great friends. There truly are angels here on earth!

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  21. Ever think you might be entertaining angels? Sounds like it! You are so loved...and you will have a chance to return many favors in the future.

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  22. Yes, friendship is worth everything. I was out with my own girlfriends last night and I left feeling refreshed and loved. You're giving through being yourselves and through your writing. Enjoy benig the inspiration that you are to others. That's your gift from God.

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  23. I've come across your blog while surfing around this bloggy world and I just had to comment that your post has touched me speechless. I have tears in my eyes and I don't even know you.

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  24. Hey Ang...I do feel blessed by having you in my life just in the fact that I can call you a FRIEND! I don't need anything more than that and if giving you a new 'do is what I can do to help...then make an appointment once a week!! I truly enjoy being your friend and of course, I DO mean I will come clean your house!! :-) I love you and am always praying for you and your family! Love, Shawn

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