The worst results ever

Sorry for the lack of creativity in the post title.

We had the results of the MRI from yesterday read to us today. The news was pretty much devastating. The tumor in Brian's head has ALSO become a leptomeningeal tumor and I looked for a good google link for you, but couldn't find one. The leptomeninges work to move the spinal fluid all over the brain and spinal cord. There was particular concern involving the brain stem. Whatever. Go research if you want to. I tired of it after 10 minutes. The primary site of the tumor is also growing. So, educating myself further at this point in time is the last thing I want to do.

What it means is this:

The tumor is growing and spreading and the latest chemo isn't working either. It is time to be done.

Brian didn't "get it" as we were leaving the doctor's office. He was trying to schedule his next appointment and treatment.

I had to explain to him in the car and again at home that the tumor is growing and there is nothing left to do.

He said, he can't do that. He can't do nothing.

I said, Brian, there are no chemos left to try for the stage that your cancer is in. There is no treatment left that is going to take away the cancer that is now spreading into new areas of your brain and possibly your spine.

He said his symptoms weren't that bad to just do nothing. There has to be something else.

I then explained that his symptoms HAVE gotten worse in the last few weeks. I told him he isn't remembering things. He is falling. He is unsteady on his feet. His right hand and arm hang basically limp. His symptoms are worse and when combined with these results, it is time to say enough is enough.


I said I don't know what else there is to do unless you want to try somewhere else in the country with another specialist, but that would require travel which you are not up for and we would most likely get the same response. Brian, the cancer is growing in your brain. Why would you keep trying chemotherapy when it isn't working? Why keep putting it into your body when it grows anyway?

He is mad. Well, A little pissed, he says.

I will tell the boys this weekend, but they know. Anyone who has seen Brian over the last two weeks knows or knew.... except Brian.

I have made the first step for Hospice contact. They are supposed to contact me within a day or two.

I am going to turn over scheduling of meals and cleaning, rides for the kids, playdates, etc. to some friends and/or family. Just give me the weekend to think it through.

The good news is that Brian has not vomited since Wednesday afternoon. We tried a different drug, but it could also be the chemo leaving his system.

So, that is it. We are done. Brian is dying. Maybe weeks. Maybe more. Maybe less. We don't know.

Pray for our peace.

Pray for our acceptance.

Pray that Brian and I can change our conversations more and more about coming to Jesus than fighting to live.

Pray for our boys.

I will keep you posted on how Brian is doing as much as possible. I plan on spending just about every waking moment with him making it beautiful.

If anyone wants to visit us, let me know. Ed and Jan have lots of room. We have lots of room. We don't know how fast Brian will decline.

KEEP BELIEVING with a focus shift to the afterlife.