Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Today is a snow day. Which means my plans of working out in solitude, showering in peace, and running errands efficiently have been left unplowed beneath the several inches on the street. They will be found after the Clipper leaves us and the snowplows shove enough accumulation off the road to find the remnants of what remains important. Nothing like children at home to remind us of time management and prioritization.

I wanted to take this moment to update you on Brian after his first round of Carboplatin and Avastin. Monday morning, before his dad picked him up for treatment, Brian had a vomiting episode again. Bummer. BIG BUMMER. He hadn't had one in over a week. He had another when he arrived at the clinic. He took the chemo fine. He was pale and tired when he got home, but he did okay.

Yesterday, he had several vomiting fits again. We are unsure if this is chemo related or connected to whatever else has been going on with him. He is not nauseated and does not feel bad, he simply feels an urge to vomit and cannot stop it. It is rather unpleasant for all because he is not quick enough on his feet to make it to the toilet and not stable enough on his feet to get to a kneeling position in front of the toilet. He keeps a bucket nearby. He does not feel a huge urge or sensation, it comes upon him quickly, so often the kids are nearby when it happens. I think it scares them. Yesterday, I was upstairs on the phone and Grant came up to tell me to please check on Daddy. He said he heard Daddy throwing up and I should check on him. So, I did. Then I played MarioKart with Grant to get his mind off it. I asked him if he had any questions or if he wanted to talk about it. He didn't. I told him I was very proud of him for helping take care of Daddy.

Brian has started to walk with a cane this week. I am glad about this. He is stepping on his right foot wrong more and more often. He walks pigeon toed with his right foot and often steps on the outside of his toes causing his foot to roll. I am afraid he will sprain or break something. The biggest problem with the cane is that he has to use his left hand to hold it. This is his only free hand. He can't really hold things in his right hand. It limits him even more.

His speech has been hit or miss. He says he is experiencing the "chemo stupids" - meaning the chemo makes him stupid, sort of clouds his thinking.

He will be due for another MRI in about 2 weeks or so.

The cane and vomiting are starting to scare the kids more, I think. They are asking me more and more questions about death - particularly Gavin. It is difficult to field. I have always been very honest and open with them about Brian's condition so they do not feel scared or are not blind-sided if Brian takes a turn for the worse or has a bad day. Lately, though, Gavin has been more scared. He does not want to leave the house to play with friends. He only wants them here. He says he doesn't want Daddy to die when he is away. He makes me check on Daddy at night sometimes when I am putting him to bed so that I can assure him that Daddy is still alive. He is worried he may be at school when daddy dies. He is simply more scared. We have talked about what would happen if Daddy dies and that eventually Mommy would go back to work so I could pay for us to live. He was very worried about what that meant for him. He understands now that he is getting older his everyday life would change. Mostly, though, he cries that he doesn't want Daddy to die because it would mean he would never see him again. I really don't know how to handle this exactly. I assure him we will be fine. Daddy is okay today and we need to enjoy each day right now. We can't worry about dying because we will all die some day. We just don't go around thinking and worrying about it all the time. Gavin is my worrier. He is my thinker. This is troubling for him. Rightfully so.

Well, I have to go break up the third fight of the day. It is not even 9:00 am. Ahh, snow days.....



  1. Geez...My thoughts and prayers are with you....I am fifty one years old and am dealing with my very ill parents who are both very sick at the same time...I know how I feel about losing my parents at my age and how hard it is to deal with. I can only imagine the fear that you son is feeling. You will all be in my prayers I think of you and your family everyday and i thank you for the updates. I am praying for gods comfort to be with you and your boys always...Michigan

  2. Snow days....and kids home sick really throw a wrench in our day don't they? I am right here with you - figuring out what to have them do to not fight!
    I will pray that Brian can be free of the vomiting and that Gavin is reassured. Sending prayers through the snow.

  3. Hoping the snow subsides and will keep praying for Brian's treatment and for the boys understanding.

  4. Poor little guy. I can only imagine how hard this is on your boys. I will be praying that God comforts them and takes their worry and fear away. And I continue to pray for Brian's healing.

  5. That breaks my heart about Gavin. But I can understand a bit where he is coming from. He is worried and loves his Daddy. I wouldn't know how to handle it either honestly. As always, you guys are in my prayers.

  6. Oh, Angie, You are all SO in my prayers...
    I can really understand Gavin's sorry.
    You are so amazing. God Bless, E

  7. You're a good,strong woman. You know that, right?

  8. Angie,

    I think you all are doing an amazing job with your children. I worry about teaching them table mannners, and you are explaining illness.

    You and your whole family continue to be in my prayers. Hoping that you will continue to find peace as you walk this very hard road!

  9. You are such a forthright writer. You can really lay down a post. I bet you can find a way to do this for a living at some point.

    Angie, although there probably isn't any one "right" way to talk about this with your children, you are doing it right.

    I'm praying for you. Every day.


  10. I Love you guys...and will continue to pray more for Gavin and Grant and their peace through all this. We pray the Brian's vomitting subsides and that this chemo does it's job and is the tool that God uses to deliver HIS miracle to you all. I pray that HIS miracle is the way HE shows your boys what an awesome God we do have...and that each moment HE gives you grace and wisdom to feild the questions and the worries. Now...who is taking care of you? Can I come over and clean toilets or make lunches or something??????

  11. Oh...that last post was from me!
    Love ya,

  12. As painful as this is to read, Angie, someday your Gavin & Grant will have this blog to read through and know all that you did for your family. You are truly inspiring. Sending prayers as always!

  13. We are thinking and praying for you, Brian and the boys always!

  14. Angie,

    While I haven't been blogging much lately, I have been thinking of you all and praying for Brian, you and your boys. I admire your courage and strength. I will continue to pray for miracles. Your are truly an inspiration.

  15. You are doing the best thing for your kids with your forthrightness and honesty. Your courage is impressive and your boys will be shaped by it forever.

  16. Angie,
    Have you ever watched the movie "Stepmom"? The mother of two children has cancer and is setting a special place for her youngest son to meet her after she passes. They have dream dates where they visit the beach or go to Disney World. (The boy comments that the lines were too long last time.) I don't know if Gavin has this type of imagination, but letting him know that even if Daddy leaves he will always reside in Gavin's heart and mind may help a little with the fear.
    I am sure that in your prayer time God will give you other ways to bridge this event for Gavin.
    May God bless you and surround you with His hedge of protection through all circumstances.