weak and weak

The last blog entry I wrote, I did so in a hurry and did not proof it, or 'do my REVISION stage' as Gavin calls it in his own writer's workshop. When did first graders learn about REVISION??? Anyway, as I re-read it, I had to laugh at my own haste and the following sentence:

'We have a suppository anti-nausea and I would like to try it, but Brian is not ready. I think we may do this when he wakes tomorrow.'

I would like to clarify, that I, indeed, meant I would like BRIAN to try the suppository and not myself.

By the way, he did and I think it worked.

Brian is doing much better today. He has not had any vomiting fits for the last day and a half now, which is, naturally encouraging. However, he is incredibly weak. He is quiet and a tiny bit withdrawn. He is upset regarding all the "fussing" over him - all the hovering when he gets up to walk to and from his chair, all the offers for food all day, all the "are you doing okay's?", all the hullabaloo. I explain why - he hasn't eaten much, he just about falls when he goes from point A to point B, he is weak, etc. He understands, but isn't happy about it.

Many of you asked about more hospice help. Until Brian can come to better terms with what is progressing and his weakness and instability, I don't want to bring in others to do what I can do. He WANTS to use the stairs and share a bed. He WANTS to take a shower. It kills him that he cannot. I don't want to bring in someone else to take care of those few things that I can do for him. I can clean him for now. We have a hundred family and friends that can come and spend the night to help out. We are going to take up those closest to Brian that love him the most before hospice help for such intimate functions. There may be a time when I need that assistance, but right now, I want to help Brian ease into this transition with as much dignity as possible. Does that make sense?

The boys are off school Monday and Tuesday, and we were supposed to try to go to St. Louis for an extended weekend. I do not see that happening unless Brian shows considerable improvement. His movement in any given day consists of getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. Then he walks to the family room to watch TV. Then he walks to the table to eat lunch. Back to his chair. Back to the table to eat dinner. Back to the chair. Up to go to the bathroom and bed in the evening or night. That is it, and it takes a lot of effort and assistance for that to happen. Doing all that in another city doesn't appeal to me right now. Putting him in the car for 3 hours by myself isn't something I am willing to tackle given his current state. I would much rather be at home where we have what we need in case of emergency. Although, hospice has said they would give us support in any city we chose to visit, and we are coordinating it just in case. If it is something Brian feel passionate about, I will not deny him that and I will figure out a way. I know there are many that would assist.

Grant's birthday is Saturday. We are thinking of sending the boys to St. Louis anyway so that they can have a distraction and some time away from all this. I am not sure exactly how we are going to handle the timing of all that yet. We are waiting to see how Brian is doing each day.

Well, once again, the time has escaped me. And my typing fingers are keeping up my sleepy hubby. I will write more tomorrow.

KEEP BELIEVING