Wednesday, March 11, 2009

weak and weak

The last blog entry I wrote, I did so in a hurry and did not proof it, or 'do my REVISION stage' as Gavin calls it in his own writer's workshop. When did first graders learn about REVISION??? Anyway, as I re-read it, I had to laugh at my own haste and the following sentence:

'We have a suppository anti-nausea and I would like to try it, but Brian is not ready. I think we may do this when he wakes tomorrow.'

I would like to clarify, that I, indeed, meant I would like BRIAN to try the suppository and not myself.

By the way, he did and I think it worked.

Brian is doing much better today. He has not had any vomiting fits for the last day and a half now, which is, naturally encouraging. However, he is incredibly weak. He is quiet and a tiny bit withdrawn. He is upset regarding all the "fussing" over him - all the hovering when he gets up to walk to and from his chair, all the offers for food all day, all the "are you doing okay's?", all the hullabaloo. I explain why - he hasn't eaten much, he just about falls when he goes from point A to point B, he is weak, etc. He understands, but isn't happy about it.

Many of you asked about more hospice help. Until Brian can come to better terms with what is progressing and his weakness and instability, I don't want to bring in others to do what I can do. He WANTS to use the stairs and share a bed. He WANTS to take a shower. It kills him that he cannot. I don't want to bring in someone else to take care of those few things that I can do for him. I can clean him for now. We have a hundred family and friends that can come and spend the night to help out. We are going to take up those closest to Brian that love him the most before hospice help for such intimate functions. There may be a time when I need that assistance, but right now, I want to help Brian ease into this transition with as much dignity as possible. Does that make sense?

The boys are off school Monday and Tuesday, and we were supposed to try to go to St. Louis for an extended weekend. I do not see that happening unless Brian shows considerable improvement. His movement in any given day consists of getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. Then he walks to the family room to watch TV. Then he walks to the table to eat lunch. Back to his chair. Back to the table to eat dinner. Back to the chair. Up to go to the bathroom and bed in the evening or night. That is it, and it takes a lot of effort and assistance for that to happen. Doing all that in another city doesn't appeal to me right now. Putting him in the car for 3 hours by myself isn't something I am willing to tackle given his current state. I would much rather be at home where we have what we need in case of emergency. Although, hospice has said they would give us support in any city we chose to visit, and we are coordinating it just in case. If it is something Brian feel passionate about, I will not deny him that and I will figure out a way. I know there are many that would assist.

Grant's birthday is Saturday. We are thinking of sending the boys to St. Louis anyway so that they can have a distraction and some time away from all this. I am not sure exactly how we are going to handle the timing of all that yet. We are waiting to see how Brian is doing each day.

Well, once again, the time has escaped me. And my typing fingers are keeping up my sleepy hubby. I will write more tomorrow.



  1. Oh, Angie. Thank you so much for updating. There is not a single one of us who can tell you the "right" way to do this or when the "right" time is to bring in Hospice. I do agree with you, if you have family help, take that first. I understand what you mean about keeping his dignity intact. So important.

    I love you. I miss you. I'm praying for you.

    Janell H.

  2. Each night I check to see how Brian and you and your boys are, and I say prayer for youall--that GOD will give you all strength and peace together.

  3. Thanks for the update! Still believing, still praying! :)

  4. Angie,

    Your family is an inspiration. I believe that no matter what occurs that you are surrounded by God's love.


  5. Thanks so much for updating all of us...we all pray and think about you constantly...and wonder what we can do for all of you. I am so relieved that Brian's vomitting has subsided for now...and continue to pray for some stolen moments for the four of you. I love you!

    Always in our hearts,

  6. Angie..Glad to see Brian has stopped vomiting that alone must be a relief:)I would use hospice right now for comfort control, there is no reason Brian should ever feel sick or in pain.. They have meds for that now and for him to enjoy this time with his family without pain or sickness is a bonus..Thinking of you and praying for you and your family daily:) xo

  7. Angie, you rock. Actually, you ARE a rock!

  8. I like your approach, Angie. You're just taking each day as it comes. I'm glad you are ready to reach for help as needed.

    Praying for your family every day.

    Still Believing.

  9. I like your approach, too, Angie. I know you've put a lot of thought into it. We will support you and your family in whatever way is necessary on day-by-day basis. (I'm sure by now you know there is nothing too small or too large to ask for from any of us.) In Christ, Karye

  10. Completely understand not calling in hospice yet. We are holding off using the service for Mom as long as possible too. It's just better for everyone to stick to the same routine groove for now.

    Prayers and daily small blessings to the family!

  11. Thank goodness you have all that wonderful family!

  12. I think your hospice plan is such a good one. I am sure Brian appreciates being surrounded by people he knows and loves. You'll know when you need the outside help! You really are amazing!

  13. I think your hospice plan makes perfect sense. Brian is blessed to have you.

    Praying in Ohio...

  14. Angie, I continue to check each day your updates and pray for you all. Again you're so authentic that it is just compelling to walk beside you through this. It is clearly evident you are loved so deeply by so many and I pray you take great comfort in those people each day and each moment. You tackle everything with such wisdom it is so evident your deep love for Brian and to keep his dignity intact as much as possible that is so beautiful. Again you inspire me to live more deeply in Jesus and love those close to me more deeply.

    Much love from the cold cold north

  15. Hi! You're awesome! Brian is lucky to have you. You are blessed to have him. What a beautiful family.

  16. Sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job! I totally understand your decision. I pray that this weekend in St. Louis will work out how it is supposed to.

    happy Birthday to your sweet Boy!

    praying and thinking of you.....

  17. Hi Angie,

    I don't know if you'll remember me. This is Connie from St. Albert Alliance Church. We met briefly when you lived here in the Great White North. I just want you to know that people are praying for your peace from everywhere. Friends from Finning CAT (where I work) and the CAT district office here in Edmonton are thinking of you and praying for you. Take care. Blessings to all of you! Connie D.

  18. Angie that is true selfless love. You can do this, you are doing this. When it's over you can rest. I am thanking God for each day you have together and for the way you glorify Him during this process. Your amazing. Good job.

    Ativan also works for nausea and can be taken sublingually if the hiney route bothers him.

  19. Angie,

    While I have fallen off the blogosphere a bit, I still check in on you. Again, I want to tell you that your strength amazes and inspires me. My heart and prayers continue to be with you and your family.


  20. Blessings to you, Angie. Thank you for the update.

  21. Dearest Angie,

    "Take up shield and buckler;
    arise and come to my aid.

    Brandish spear and javelin
    against those who pursue me.
    Say to my soul,
    'I am your salvation.'"
    Psalm 35:2-3 (New International Version)

    I wanted to share this amazing devotional I read with you out of Springs in the Valley by L.B. Cowman:

    There are two golden days in the week, upon which, and about which, I never worry--two care-free days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension.

    One of these days is Yesterday; yesterday, with its cares and frets, all its pains and aches, all its faults, mistakes and blunders, has passed forever beyond my recall. I cannot undo an act that I wrought; nor unsay a word that I said. All that it holds of my life, of wrong, regret, and sorrow, is in the hands of the Mighty Love that can bring honey out of the rock and sweetest waters out of the bitterest desert. Save for the beautiful memories--sweet and tender--that linger like the perfume of roses in the heart of the day that is gone, I have nothing to do with Yesterday. It was mine! It is God's!

    And the other day that I do not worry about is Tomorrow; tomorrow, with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its perils, its large promise and poor performance, its failures and mistakes, is as far beyond my mastery as its dead sister, Yesterday. It is a day of God's. Its sun will rise in roseate splendor, or behind a mask of weeping clouds--but it will rise.

    Until then, the same Love and Patience that held Yesterday holds Tomorrow. Save for the star of hope that gleams forever on the brow of Tomorrow, shining with tender promise into the heart of Today, I have no possession in that unborn day of grace. All else is in the safe keeping of the Infinite Love that is higher than the stars, wider than the skies, deeper than the seas. Tomorrow is God's day! It will be mine!

    There is left for myself, then, but one day in the week--Today. Any man can fight the battles of Today! Any woman can carry the burdens of just one day! Any man can resist the temptations of Today! O, friends, it is when we willfully add the burdens of those two awful eternities--Yesterday and Tomorrow--such burdens as only the Mighty God can sustain--that we break down. It isn't the experience of Today that drives men mad. It is the remorse for something that happened Yesterday; the dread of what Tomorrow may disclose.

    These are God's days! Leave them with Him!

    Therefore, I think and I do, and I journey but one day at a time! That is the easy way. That is Man's Day. Dutifully I run my course and work my appointed task on that Day of ours. God--All-Mighty and All-Loving takes care of Yesterday and Tomorrow.

    --Bob Burdette

    All the tomorrows of our lives have to pass Him before they can get to us.

    Praying that your soul and Brian's soul will know that Jesus Christ is your salvation so that terror cannot touch you during these days of weakness. Although you both may feel weak, our great God is not!! Love you much, Shawn from TN

  22. Always in my thoughts and prayers....Praying that you will have wisdom with regards to the boys and their trip to St. Louis! You are truly amazing and such an inspiration to so many. Hang in there and reach out for help in any way you can.