It is becoming more evident that you are not going to suddenly walk through the door or emerge from the bedroom. Yet, for some reason, I keep looking for you to do exactly that. Why? Why would I keep looking for you? I knew for months this was coming and that you would leave this earth. Why, then, is it so difficult to accept the permanence of your absence?
Why did you have to take your last breath when I was sleeping on the cot next to you instead of in your arms just an hour prior? Often I feel that if I would have felt your last breath then I would better be able to accept your death - that it would feel more real. Is that ridiculous? Would it be any different? Jan, your mom, wonders a bit why she wasn't awake holding your hand for your last breath, too. She thinks it would have been just too painful to witness - that you had to leave with the two women you love most near you, but just not touching you. Is that true? Would it have been too difficult and traumatic for us? Did you leave this world being ever compassionate towards us as you always were?
I can't express how much I miss you, Brian. I love you.
Sunday, March 29, 2009