Tuesday, March 17, 2009

home

12:45 am on March 17, 2009, Brian O'Neill left this world for the next.

I wish so much I could fill you with words of wisdom and inspiration. In essence, I feel nothing. No pain. No relief. No peace. No confusion. No. No. No. Nothing. Jan calls it numbness. I guess that is normal.

I wish I could tell you the last day of Brian's life was peaceful. It was not. You read my dear sister Mindi's posts about Brian's seizures. The look on Brian's face on Monday morning was not peaceful. It was one caught between a world view and a spiritual view. It was one caught between wanting to be a Dad and wanting to go to his heavenly Dad.

Brian, this morning, was obviously agitated and had not slept for the 4th consecutive night. He was illogical and strange in his movements. He was stroking my hair and trying to kiss me without being able to muster a pucker at the same time. The last words I heard Brian say were to me. I looked him square in the eye this morning, told him I was a better person for having known him, that it was okay to go and that I loved him.

He said, Yeah I love you too.

Then he struggled for the next several hours. I told him repeatedly it was okay to go. Jesus was waiting for him. His heavenly father loved him WAY more than even I love him or than he loved me or his boys.

We had to call an ambulance to get his seizures under control at the hospital. His oncologist urged us to do this. He knew we didn't want to go. He also knew we were not going to get this under control at home. He was, as he always has, thinking of our entire family unit.

I look for reasons. For answers. I am trying to make myself feel better and I realize this. I am not looking for affirmation, so please do not try.

I think part of the reason for Brian's seizures this morning was his desire to keep fighting for his boys. For his desire to be a Daddy for longer. For his desire to stay with me. He was looking me in the eye as he started to seize and lose control of his body. His spirit left us this morning. His body caught up tonight/morning.

Also, I think part of the reason, and I have to keep telling myself there is a reason because this did not happen according to my desires and plan - peacefully at home, was that the memory of this happening at home would have been too painful. He would have died inches away from me as I write this. I do not have a laptop. I am stuck in a room in the house writing this in a chair. A chair that would have forever been inches away from where Brian took his last breath and it would have been too painful.

I also think part of the reason is that the boys were with their grandma and grandpa in Missouri - surrounded by love and fun and joy. Brian would have wanted that. He would have wanted them playing and laughing and running and fishing. That is EXACTLY what he would have wanted. The did not witness the final hours of the struggle in Brian's life. I think, without them here, he was able to let go a little faster. I struggled with whether or not Brian would want them to see him as he was when the arrived home today. Brian and God took care of it. There is no question now. They will not see him as he was. The will remember him instead for who he was in their lives.

I wish I could tell you I heard Brian's last breath and I said good-bye. In reality, I succumbed to sleep and exhaustion from the day myself. I was laying next to the shell of a person that was Brian's rhythmically breathing body in the hospital bed. I was lying there and I finally got up and went to the cot next to the bed. I left his bed around 11:15 or 11:30. Jan got up around 12:30 and noticed he was not breathing. He was gone. I have to tell myself that he needed me to be on my own. He needed me to know that I have to now go through this life on my own two feet without his caressing of my face and hair and so he decided to leave after I left his bed and went to his side instead- NEAR, but not ON him.

I am glad Jan had the sense that told us he had left us. I am glad it was Jan and not me. There are certain things a mother knows that will never go away and I take comfort in that as a mother now. I am, of course, saying this to make myself feel better. But I am glad, too. I am torn, but glad.


I wish I could have been the one to tell you all the things I wanted to tell you. I wanted a peaceful, memorable experience. I wanted to tell the world about all the glory God showed in Brian's final hours. In the end, I don't know what to say. I am at a loss for words, (several paragraphs later, mind you). I will leave you with what I know Brian would want me to say...


KEEP BELIEVING

274 comments:

  1. Andy & Missy RyanMarch 17, 2009

    Angie,
    Very sad to read the news of Brian's passing. The world lost a very special man today. I hope you and the boys will find peace in time.

    We'll be back in Peoria the second week in June. If we can help you in any way, please do not hesitate to call on us. Will kep you in our thoughts and prayers until then.

    -Andy & Missy

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  2. My love and prayers are with you and the boys and your family and friends. Brian is home.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your boys in this most difficult time. I hope knowing that so many people all over the world are holding you close in their heart will be in some small way a comfort.

    Robin from Israel

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  4. Praying for you and your family from down here in Rio de Janeiro. You are very special, the same way as Brian.
    Teresa

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  5. You and the boys in are my prayers. I will continue to pray for the peace, comfort and strength that only Jesus Christ can bring to you.

    I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. - 2 Timothy 4:7

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  6. I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and wanted to send my sympathies to you and your boys. Godspeed to you peace.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss, Angie – and that feels so inadequate to say, but I just wanted you to know that you and Brian have touched the lives of strangers everywhere, and I'm praying for you and the boys through this very difficult time.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss Angie and the boys. XOXO

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  9. Our sympathy and prayers are with you, the boys and your families during this difficult time.

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  10. Dear Lord, please hold Angie in the palm of Your Hand, letting her feel the comfort and peace that only You can bring. Be with her on each step of this new journey she now faces. Be her Guide, her Strength, her All in all. Help her to feel Your presence as nothing else she has ever felt before, so that she may recognize it and know how to find it, when she needs to be drawn closer to You.

    I cannot imagine what lies ahead of you, Angie, but know that many, albeit strangers ;), care!!

    Leigh Ann

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  11. You and the boys are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. In tears as I read this - my heartfelt thoughts go out to you and your family.

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  13. So very sorry, Angie. Love and many prayers are with you at this time.

    Ken & Melissa

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  14. Ang,

    My words will not be adequate for you but God's Word is full and overflowing! Praying for your peace and comfort.

    Jeanette

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  15. I've been lurking here for the last few months so you don't know me...but I feel like I know you, in a small way. I had to take a moment to say I am so very sorry for your loss. You and the boys will be in my prayers. What an amazing family you are.

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  16. Angie,
    I have tried a few times to write you this morning and everything just seems so cliche. I don't mean it to, but it does...So, just know that although I Have NO IDEA how you feel I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know you do not desire accolades, but you are a woman of great faith, strength and dignity. These amazing gifts will serve you well as you continue to raise your boys. I am praying for you and will be in touch.

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  17. Angie, my heart goes out to you and the boys. You too need to remember the good times and not dwell on the final hours of struggles.
    May you feel the warmth of God's Love encircle your family in this time of sorrow. And know thata there are lots of people praying for you and your family.
    Love and prayers from Decatur.

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  18. I'm so sorry to read this Angie. Our prayers are with you and the boys. Love you.

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  19. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband, Angie. Not for where he's gone, because we all know he's at peace now, but for the hole in your heart right now. I pray you will feel God's arms around you now and in the weeks and months to come.

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  20. Angie
    Praying for you in Charlotte, NC. Your blog has been an inspiration to many and your husband is an amazing person and father. May you have peace knowing he is looking down on your family from above. Take care of yourself during this trying time.

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  21. You have communicated Brian's message to us very well, Angie. The message that there may not be physical healing, but there is always spiritual healing through a relationship with Christ. We will KEEP BELIEVING and are by your side through this journey of life. Terry & Karye

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  22. I am so sorry to hear of your loss today, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

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  23. Angie, While my heart is glad that Brian is at home with our Lord, my heart is breaking for you and your family. Please know you and the boys and the rest of you are in my thoughts and prayers...

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  24. Angie,
    I am so very sorry, I too just felt nothing when Jeff died. It was not peaceful as I thought it may be, but a suffering in that I could only relate to Christ on the cross. I have been reading your blog daily and knew Brian's passing was close due to his seizures and have been praying for you and your family. I am so very thankful that your boys were away and cared for out of the chaos. I know all you feel right now is an emptiness and uncertainty as you embark on this new part of your life but you will not always feel this way, you will wonder if you will ever go a day without crying but you will someday, you will still desire for your boys to be happy and to live a life that Brian would want them to live and you as well. Let his love for you all carry you and lean on our Lord even though you don't understand. Know that someday you will find peace in all of this. I am praying for you as I know how as I too was a young widow in a place I never could imagine. There is really nothing else to say, I wish I could hug you and sit with you as your cry and tell you I understand......
    Paige

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  25. Angie, I have been reading your blog for several weeks now and have not commented. I didn't know what to say . . . I still have no words.

    I am Jeanette A's sister . . . I know you are neighbors.

    Praying for you and your precious boys.

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  26. Angie, I think that numbness is shock. I love you so much, we love the boys and we are devestated at the loss of Brian. This world lost a good man today, but I have to think of how he just made heaven rejoyce. I have no words, we just love you dearly. I am so sorry.

    Janell H.

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  27. I'm so sorry it couldn't be more peaceful for both of you! God has his ways, I know; but sometimes they seem so hard to us here on earth. Thank goodness the boys didn't have to be there.

    My condolences to you, of course; and my condolences to Jan. It's so painful to outlive a child, even a grown one.

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  28. Angie, I've never commented, only observed from afar.

    Please know that you and the boys are in my prayers. And you are in the hollow of His hand.

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  29. Praying for you all. Godspeed Brian.

    Hallie

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  30. I am very sorry for your loss.

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  31. Angie, my heart goes out to you and the boys and the rest of the O'Neill family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  32. Sending love and peace from my family to yours. His pain is no more, and he is rejoicing in God's love.

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  33. Angie,
    I just read your status on FB & came over here to read this. I am so sorry. Brian was an awesome guy...and I only know that from reading your words here. I know he will be dearly missed by so many. I'll be praying for you & the boys as you walk through the days & weeks ahead. So many big decisions to make, so much to do...

    Without even knowing you, I love ya girl. And you're right...KEEP BELIEVING.

    In Him,
    Liz Reeves
    Whitehouse, TX

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  34. I've only been visiting your blog for a few weeks and it has touched me greatly.
    Brian has gone home to be with his Heavenly Father. It's been quite a journey. Prayers to you Angie and your family.
    Cape Cod, MA

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  35. I have been reading here, but never commented. I didn't know what to say, that hadn't been said already...

    God is holding you in his hand and I hold you in my prayers.

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  36. Oh Angie, I don't know what to say either. All I do know is that I am praying for you and will continue to pray for you. May you feel the comfort of God over the next days, months and years. Thank you for sharing Brian's story with us. Thank you for being real. Thank you for the reminder to KEEP BELIEVING!

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  37. Angie You have been a mountain of strength for Brian I know Brian left you knowing that you would still be his mountain of strength for yourself and your boys. God Bless all of you please know it was God who helped you and Brian have the strength to have the boys away from you in Brian's final days.
    Randy & Carol

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  38. I don't know what I can say to you except I love you and your boys SO MUCH. We, along with your amazing family, will be here for all three of you through all of this now, next week, next month, next year....and for always.

    HEAVEN is having the greatest party welcoming him HOME..and he is already preparing room for when you all can join him in paradise! Since he showed how much a man can love his sons here on earth, I'm sure he is taking care of my son Carter in Heaven right now...throwing baseballs, playing hockey, eating icecream...until we all join them......

    LOVE,
    Kris

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  39. I wish I had words to express my sympathy. You and your family are in our prayers.

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  40. Angie, as I sit and read this today I weep with you. I sob at the pain and heartache you have to walk through because there is no other way through it than to walk into it. I will continue to keep you and the boys and all of you extended family and friends in my prayers. May God's peace and love surpass your understanding in ways you could never have imagined at this time. Much love from,
    Echo

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  41. How beautiful that Brian could go home to Jesus on the very day that St Patrick also left this life...I'm sure he was there to greet him.
    God Bless you and your whole family...you are still in our prayers.
    Pax Christi, Elizabeth

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  42. Angie -
    I am so sorry. I have been praying for your family for a long time and will continue to do so. May God's peace and comfort hold you up in the days to come. I didn't really know Brian very well, but have come to know him through the words you've written. The world was a better place because he lived in it and Heaven is rejoicing now that he is home.
    Love,
    Marcie

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  43. Angie,

    I have been watching your family's story, hoping and praying with you. Your story has inspired me more times than you know to continue through trials... I feel a profound loss and my heart grieves for you family, while it sings for Brian. I am glad to know he is no longer in pain and he has been made whole. I have a strong testimony of eternal families and know that you will all be together again. My prayers and thoughts are with you and the boys continually. All my love,
    Stephanie

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  44. I thought of you all last night and your post was the first thing I pulled up this morning - hoping there was some sort of update. Unfortunately or fortunately there was - now I'm reading and crying but I do feel a sense of relief for Brian. The pain and sadness you must feel is hard to imagine. I'm sure you are worried about your boys now and how they will be once they are home. Just know that you have been an excellent mother and wife and will continue to be. You now have a guardian angel to watch over your family and to help lift you up when you need it most. Take care and your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
    Brittany Holt Grenon

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  45. Angie,

    God's glory was in Christ's passing, too, but even Christ had a hard time feeling it at the time. God's glory has been with you and Brian and your family all along, and you have shared it with everyone. God's glory remains in all that you and Brian created together. God's glory is the love. The love is there.

    God bless you and your family Angie.

    Still believing.

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  46. Sorry to read it
    *hugs*

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  47. I will always keep believing in you and the gifts you gave your husband and those that you will give you boys. Right now I hope that you can let yourself rest after what you've been through--the exhaustion you will begin to experience is like nothing else; please take care of yourself.

    Though the end did not go as you would have liked, I am glad you know Brian is at peace now.

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  48. I have been reading your blog's for the past few days and am crying as I am reading them. I went to high school with Sean's wife in Pekin.
    We just wanted to send our condolences to you and your family, but just know he is at peace and no longer suffering and is now home. Keep believing and he will be watching over you and your boys every day of your lives. May peace be with you are your entire family.

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  49. Scott, Stephanne and CarstenMarch 17, 2009

    Angie, We are so sad to read of this news and can only keep sending our thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this time of sadness. Sending our love across the big ocean and to Brian who has joined the Man upstairs. All our love!

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  50. My heart is full for you and your family right now. Prayers for you and your boys and the rest of the family are many for you today. May you find peace. Big hugs from Utah!

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  51. I came over from a link that Momma Roar put on our private prayer blog.

    Father God I come into your throne room on behalf of this precious wife and mother and her two precious sons. Father I pray for the peace that only you can give, the peace that passeth understanding. Envelope these three, and the other family members, in your loving arms and hold them and lead them as they move along step by step knowing that you love them, will care for them, and that their husband and father is in the loving arms of Him whom we all long to be embraced by. In my Saviors precious, precious name I pray. Amen

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  52. Coming from Alicia's blog - Angie I honestly don't know what to say, except I'm lifting you and your family in prayer, and you will be lifted when our Church Women's group meets this week, and over the following. Thank you for sharing - through your pain, and your honesty. So incredibly saddened for your loss.

    Hugs from Canada

    PS - I am a digital scrapbooker, if you would like me to do a page, or put out a call to my digital friends to do some scrapbooking pages for you, please let me know. Just leave a comment on my blog anytime. It would be an honour to help you preserve your memories.

    http://www.lalalime.blogspot.com

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  53. You are a special person Angie. You have used your gift of communication to allow Brian to witness to so many people. What an incredible way to finish his earthly life. What a record of love and perserverence these communications have been and how much they will mean to your sons. I fight the urge to envy Brian as he is at ultimate peace in heaven. And I pray for you and your boys as you stay behind to continue to serve Him.

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  54. Love and prayers from Central Ohio.

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  55. Came here via Mrs Miles (above poster).

    Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

    So sorry to hear of your loss, and words are so inadequate. I pray you will feel God's presence and strength in the coming days.

    Yours in Christ

    JanMary, N Ireland

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  56. Praying God will cradle you and your boys in His arms in the coming days, and months, and that He gives you a peace that passes understanding. My heart is heavy, and I grieve with you. Glory to God, Brian is whole!

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  57. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with your family.

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  58. Angie, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, Brian. The stories that you have shared here, the courage and grace that you have shown, are truly amazing. We have all Kept Believing, and you have shared such intimacy and love in your journey. I wish peace when it is time for peace. A space for grieving. And the knowledge that there are people around the world sending love and support to you, Gavin, Grant and Brian's family.

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  59. You are the picture of a Godly woman, loving and being loved by her dear husband. I know he will be so missed, and I pray that the journey will only pull you closer to our Lord.

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  60. Angie,

    I pray that you and your sons find peace, I am so sorry for you loss. Know that people all around the world have been touched by Brian (and your) story and you have changed many people's lives. Thank you.

    Kolleen from Canada

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  61. Angie, My heart is just breaking for you. I can barely type for the tears. My darling friend, I am praying fervently for you. I love you, Shawn

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  62. Praying for you and your family.

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  63. Praying for you Angie, and your boys and you travel down this road.

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  64. Angie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I continue to pray for you, Gavin, Grant and your entire family for peace and strength during this time. Karen U.

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  65. I cried as I read this post because I don't have to read another post to know you and Brian share the kind of love I have with my spouse. I prayed for you this morning, that God would wrap His loving arms around you and give you His peace that passes all understanding. ((Hugs)) Words at a time like this just aren't enough. I am so sorry but so glad that Brian kept believing.

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  66. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  67. Angie, Gavin and Grant

    We are all so very sorry for your loss. Brian was a wonderful man and those of us who were fortunate to have met him were truly blessed. We continue to keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. Our condolences to you, Ed, Jan, Sean and Michael on the passing of a remarkable husband, father, son and brother.

    With love,
    Joe, Beth, Sara and Adam Girardi I

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  68. Though I never comment I do want to share my condolences and will pray for you and your family's continued strength and comfort.

    Jackie

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  69. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will comfort you at this time. I pray that God will hold you in the palm of His hand during this time. May He bless you with all of the memories and good times you had together as a family.

    Love and Prayers,

    Jennifer in Ohio

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  70. I m so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you, your boys, and your entire family.

    Peace.

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  71. peace be with you. i will be praying for all of you.

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  72. Peace be with you during this time. I'm praying for you and your boys.

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  73. Angie, my heart is broken for you. Brian was a wonderful man and I feel priveledged to have known him. He is finally at peace. You will see him again. I am praying for you and the boys and the rest of your family.

    Noelle

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  74. Our ways are not always God's ways......
    I will pray for you and your boys and the rest of your family as you....Keep Believing!
    I am sure Brian is now whole and new with Jesus. I only knew him through this blog, but it sounds like he was someone really special! Just like his family!

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  75. Kelly BurkemperMarch 17, 2009

    An Irish Prayer
    May God give you...
    For every storm, a rainbow,
    For every tear, a smile,
    For every care, a promise,
    And a blessing in each trial.
    For every problem life sends,
    A faithful friend to share,
    For every sigh, a sweet song,
    And an answer for each prayer.


    I'm so sorry for your loss. Brian was such a great guy. Your entire family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Kelly

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  76. My heart absolutely breaks for you and your boys.

    All I can say is keep believing he is there with you. Always. Talk to him. Know that he hears you and sees your every move.

    I know that's not much consolation, but I fully believe it's the truth.

    My sincerest condolences to your sweet family.

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  77. it sucks that it takes a tragedy for us to slow down and appreciate everything we are blessed with. i hope i can face my battles with half as much dignity, strength and grace as Brian did. Brian will always be a reminder to me of how to live and tackle life. ben

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  78. I am so sorry for your loss. Your family will still be in my prayers.

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  79. The angel leprechauns were just waiting for today for Brian to join them. Worked next to Brian at Cat when he first came down with brain tumor and also Ed. This bright young lad fought hard to have his life with you and very happy you had the two boys to share with him and a comfort to you all. You have been a very courageous young woman, Angie and most of the reason he fought so hard to stay as long as he coould on this earth. His struggles are over and he is at peace with our Saviour, God bless you all. Judy Cramer retired in Pagosa Springs, CO (Debbie H sent me the blog)

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  80. Angie,
    I am so sorry............My heart goes out to you and your baby boys. Praying Praying Praying

    Love ya
    Jessica

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  81. Dear Grant & Gavin,
    I am very, lots sad that your dad died. I know you have lots of fun things to remember all the times that your daddy played with you. I am glad you are my friend. Your friend, David...
    Oh yeah, you can come play with me all the time!

    (David Alcenius - age 6)

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  82. Angie,
    Please know that our family is here for you - our prayers will not end. Your sweet boys are welcome in our home 24/7 and we extend to you a never ending offer of help and with that help comes love and friendship. You are a true testament of faith in our Savior and in our Heavenly Father... Jenny Alcenius

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  83. Peace for you...so sorry for your loss. I know you will have lots of love surrounding you and your boys at this time....
    take care-Suz

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  84. Oh Angie. I pray for peace. I pray for you guys to make it through this difficult time. Sending you HUGS and so many KISSES.

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  85. my thoughts are with you and your family.

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  86. God be with you all. I know this has been a terribly hard road to travel and you still have so much more ahead of you, but it is clear the love of your friends and family is strong and will help you all find peace in due time.

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this journey with us. It has helped strengthen my own faith.

    The total committment that we as readers, most who have never met you or Brian speaks volumes about the quality of person you and Brian and your whole network of loved ones are.

    Good things are ahead for you and your boys. Of this I am sure.

    Love and prayers for peace and solace will continue.

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  87. Angie and boys,
    May the love of the Lord surround you and embrace you. I am sorry for your loss - I've prayed for you all for years - may Brian finally rest in the peaceful arms of the Lord, and live in heaven eternal, watching over all of you, until one day you all meet again, for all eternity.

    Jeanne (Marcie's friend in St. Louis)

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  88. after my dad died last march I was numb for weeks. it got me through. at first i was frustrated with the numbness then i realized i have the rest of my life to cope. which i know is it's own hurt =the rest of my life rather than the rest of his. theres a lot of suck to come in the next days but fortunately there is a lot of love too.

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  89. Angie, Gavin and Grant,

    Lord please surround these dear friends with all your love and comfort. They are your beloved children and need you more than ever before. Keep them safe with their families and friends and let them see Your smile of love from everyone around them.

    Your sister in Christ, Karen

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  90. I am one of the many "virtual" friends who have never met you, but have prayed for you and your family through Brian's illness. I will continue to pray for you and the boys as the numbness and shock give way to the finality of your loss.

    Thank you for your vulnerability. You have shared with your readers what reality looks like in the face of death. It is painful, it is not pretty. But in it, there is great victory. Brian is at peace and with his Creator. Your faith and strength have been challenged and they are stronger because of it.

    May God enfold you in his arms and bless you with his love.

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  91. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

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  92. Angie,

    I don't have the words. I am so sorry. So sorry. Brian is an amazing man. What you both showed this world through your testimony in the worst of times is beyond words.

    Know that I am praying for you and the boys. And, I believe Brian will always be smiling down on his amazing wife.

    May God bring you peace and rest in the months to come like only He can.

    Much Love,
    Kristen

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  93. Many thoughts for you and your family.

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  94. Angie, I am sorry for this struggle and for your loss. I am thankful for your faith.

    I had a feeling, when I saw that picture of the boys with the family the other day, that Brain would pass before they came home. His one final act as a parent was to protect his boys.

    God bless you, Angie. We will never stop praying for you and your family, even though we know Brian will be watching over you.

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  95. I am so sorry- I'll be thinking of you and praying for your family today.

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  96. I'm sorry for the loss that you and your family have suffered. Please accept my condolences.

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  97. Oh, Angie. I'm so, so sorry.

    I'll be thinking of you.

    Much love.

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  98. Numbness is a gift right now as you find your way. Thinking of you

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  99. I am so sorry for your sadness. May peace come to you swiftly.

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  100. Our thoughts and love are with you and the boys. It's obvious that Brian and your family have touched so many lives, and he will be dearly missed by all. Even though words are not enough, know that we're thinking of you and wishing you much peace and comfort.

    Rachel and Tom

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  101. When I lost my mom to cancer it was so, so much how you describe in this post. She was so agitated and without peace on that day and she died at the hospital instead of home, just after I'd gone for the night.

    Your thoughts and feelings are so moving. It was generous to share them. I wish for you strength and stamina for yourself and for your boys.

    Peace to you.

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  102. Still Believing!!! Thank you Angie, thank you Brian, thank you to those two beautiful boys, you have all changed my life out here in CA without ever having met you. Brian just joined the biggest St. Paddy's day party ever in heaven. I am sure if it were possible there would be a beer fridge waiting for him! Lots and lots of love and respect to you Angie....
    ~Amanda

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  103. Our sincere condolences to you and everyone who's ever known/met Brian.
    We're very sorry for your loss.

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  104. I am so sorry for you loss.

    Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

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  105. Angie and Boys...
    Our most deepest sympathies to you and your family at this time. Hugs to all of you..

    Sincerely,

    Char Bergen and your entire Canadian Cat Family

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  106. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers

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  107. I grieve with you, over the loss of Brian. You and your boys and your family have our prayers and our promise to keep believing.

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  108. I have no words, just deep and profound sympathy.

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  109. Ang,
    We are sorry to hear about Brian. Just know that he is with his heavenly father now and believing in you and your strength, love and courage!

    We believe in YOU!

    With all of our love,
    Andrea, Brian, Zach and Carson

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  110. I am so desperately sorry for your loss. Please know that your family is in my prayers.

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  111. Angie . . . thinking of you, your boys, the entire family. There is a lot of love out here for you. A lot of love . . .

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  112. I am so sorry for your loss, Angie, but, at the same time I rejoice that Brian is at this moment in the presence of the Lord and free from his physical pain and suffering. Praise God for where Brian is now, but may God comfort you with His presence like never before as you are left in this place without him. As another one who has traveled down the path you are now walking I, too, wish I could be there to hug you as you grieve and tell you that I understand what you are feeling. I think the numbness is also from God, given to us in a time when our loss is so overwhelming we cannot fully comprehend it. Be assured that He will give you just enough strength to put one foot in front of the other and to deal with what is right in front of you each moment. You can only take it one step at a time, and He will help you do that. I know that at this time it is so hard to comprehend how your lives will go on without Brian and it seems like they shouldn't. And although there are many sad moments and hard days ahead of you, the wonderful blessing is that there are also many more happy moments and good days ahead for you and the boys also. I know that at this time that doesn't even seem right or fair, but it is what Brian would truly want for you. Know that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as well as the thoughts and prayers of many. Stay strong in the Lord's strength, and call on Him in your toughest moments...He WILL see you through this and reveal Himself to you in ways unimaginable.

    Kim from Nebraska

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  113. Oh Angie and your sweet boys- My heart aches for you, and you are in my prayers. I am at a loss for words.

    Jill Bruss & Family

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  114. I just read about this on Twitter and wanted to come express my extreme sadness over this immense loss to you and your boys. May his life be a blessing to all of you, and may you find comfort in the days ahead.

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  115. Angie, I've been reading your inspirational comments on other blogs for some time. I came over here a few days ago and have followed your family's journey ever since.

    I want you to know that I added your family to my prayers and that I am wishing you peace, comfort, and the assurance that Brian is now with you all the time.

    (Also...the numbness? Very very normal. It will pass.)

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  116. Sending you heartfelt sympathy, I pray that you and your family will feel peace and love.

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  117. I am so sorry. May God hold you close.

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  118. My families thoughts and prayers are with you and the boys as you go thru this rough time..

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  119. So sorry honey. Thinking of you all and praying for your peace. Hugs!

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  120. I'm so sorry, Angie. My thoughts are with you and your family today.

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  121. Praying for peace & strength for you and your family. ((hugs))

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  122. Angie, I am so sorry to hear of Brian's passing. My condolences go out to you, the boys and your extended families. I am glad that Brian's in God's presence in Heaven and not in pain any longer but I cry for the hurt you and the boys must be going through not having him on earth any longer. At least you have the promise that you will see him again one day but I'm sure that doesn't take away the raw pain you feel right now. You will all continue to be in my prayers and I pray that God's peace and love surround you all to help you get through this time. All of our love and prayers from up here in Canada, Jessica Cardozo & family (from LMO)

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  123. I wish I had the words to say, Angie. But nothing I can say will be adequate. Just know that so many are praying for you and your boys and Brian's family.

    The numbness is a gift and a protection and when it wears off, there will be God's peace underneath it all, cradling you and holding you and loving you. He will be your peace. He will be your protection. He will be your provider.

    He is enough for you and He is enough for your boys. He will bring you through this painful time, and you will smile again at the future. You will laugh again without pain and without tears.

    I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing Brian's life and legacy with us. He is with the Lord right now, but his legacy will live on as so many people, who never met him, will mourn the passing of his life from this earth, and look forward to giving him a hug in heaven one day!

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  124. I have stopped by here a few times and never commented though you and your family have been in my prayers.
    I am so sorry for your loss and will be praying for you, the boys and all those who grieve Brian's death.

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  125. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your boys.

    God bless you!

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  126. There are no words to ease your pain... But if it was my husband I would feel huge comfort knowing that he'd be waiting for me when it was my turn.

    You & your boys are in my prayers.

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  127. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Brian is now at peace and in no more pain. He is home.

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  128. I am sorry and I am prayerful for you.

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  129. Sweet Angie, Praying continually today for you and the abyss of grief that you have been plunged deeper into. Jesus is there in that pit, Angie.

    Psalm 73:23-28

    Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

    You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

    Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

    My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

    Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

    But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

    Love you, Shawn

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  130. Rejoicing with the Angels and weeping with you and your families!
    The Harper Family from Ironton MO

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  131. I am lifting you and your family up in prayer! Thank you for sharing your heart so that others may stand in the gap for you & your children. I lost my father a year and half ago- it was sudden & unexpected-even though I am grown & married-it still hurts all the more. Love to you!!!!!

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  132. I am praying hard for your family as you grieve the loss of your husband, friend and the father of your boys. KEEP BELIEVING, Angie.

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  133. I am sorry, Angie. I know it is little comfort, but we are all thinking of you and praying for you and your precious boys. I know Brian is in Heaven with God and I have to believe that he is whole again - happy and filled with joy and happiness. He is - Home.

    Take care and know that I am your friend.

    Kellan

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  134. Angie, You and your family are in my heart and in my thoughts. Sending love and strength.

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  135. We love you...we thank you...we are praying for you and loving you and your boys. I am so sorry...

    Connie

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  136. Here through J@JL

    Get your hands on the brilliantly written book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It will help you recover. I believe in reincartion and know this, he is always aound you and if you need him to be with you, ask and he will give you signs. It's happened to me many times. His soul never dies, it's just his body.

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  137. God Bless. I am so sorry for yalls loss and will continue to pray for your family.

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  138. Even though we all knew it was coming, I am devastated for your profound loss this morning. A little piece of goodness left this earth today and for that I am truly, truly sorry. I hope the next few days and weeks find you healthy mentally and physically able to deal with the highly emotional events that you must walk through. And I also hope you are able to maintain your blog so we can all keep up with you and offer support during the times ahead as you are missing your husband.

    Godspeed Angie. I know you can get through this and hug on your boys for all of us, O.K.?

    Kris

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  139. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You are so brave.

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  140. I have followed your blog for a few months with out ever making a comment. Brian needs you to be strong for your family. You are an amazing woman. Brian's legacy will live on in his son's lives. My prayers and thoughts will continue to be with you. May the peace and strength of God's love be with you and your family through these next days,weeks and months. God Bless

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  141. Prayers for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  142. My love and prayers to you and your family. God's blessings to you.

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  143. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what the next hours, days, weeks, and months will be like for you.

    Remember that it is okay to cry. The world will move on, and you will probably hate it for that. But it's okay to grieve. Find others who are walking the same road as you. Grieve together, lean on each other.

    Remember that Brian is no longer in pain, and he is in the presence of our almighty God, and happier now than any of us will ever be on this side of eternity.

    May God bless you and your family through this dark time, and may He one day turn your mourning into joy. Amen.

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  144. I am so sorry for your loss, Angie. Your all will be in my thoughts...

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  145. I have followed your blog for a while and never commented. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you all.

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  146. I am so sorry for your loss. Continued prayers for you and your family.
    Kathryn

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  147. My heart breaks for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for all the days to come as you have been in my prayers for the days that have passed.

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  148. It amazes me how Brian was still thinking of of you in those final moments, that he needed you to let go before he could. Angie, please keep your prayer requests updated so that we can coninue to pray for you exactly as you need. Sending you a big hug and praying that Christ will comfort you.

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  149. I am in tears for your precious family and for your loss. I pray that God will give you a sense of Peace and that He will comfort you in the days that follow.

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  150. Lanie Y. HauschelMarch 17, 2009

    Dear Angie,

    I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain. I am praying for you and your entire family. It is obvious that you are such an inspiration and a blessing to many throughout this whole world. God has his arms wrapped around you.

    With much love,
    Lanie Y. Hauschel

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  151. love, hugs and prayers to you and your whole family.

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  152. Angie, you have been a vessel pouring forth annoiting oils. How else could I come here to leave words of comfort, only to be comforted by what you yourself write? I am in tears for you & your family and amazed that you have been willing to share your journey with us. May you feel His loving arms around you.

    Please know that by sharing your experience, your life with your family, Brian's struggle with cancer and the struggles you had together, you have reflected the glory and pointed to God.

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  153. Prayers upon prayers for you all Angie.

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  154. Angie, my heart goes out to you and the boys. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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  155. Thank you so much for sharing your story. There is such strength and inspiration in your words. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys today.

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  156. i feel like saying sorry but it seems like a very small word for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain. Numbness in a form of pain.

    Have faith in god. May you and your boys find peace and the strength to carry on.
    I will keep you all in my prayers.

    -Keyomi

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  157. Angie,Gavin,Grant and all the family of Brian and Angie,

    My sincere sympathy to all of you-may you feel the presence of God and know many of us mourn with you. Brian is at peace and rejoicing in the arms of His Father in heaven. You will all be reunited one day again. May God comfort all of you.

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  158. Oh Angie...I'll be praying for you and your family. Bless you, sweet lady.

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  159. Dearest Angie,
    Praying that God will grant you peace in the days ahead.

    Hugs,
    Cathy

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  160. Our sympathies to you and your family.

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  161. Oh Angie, I am so very, very sorry. I'm praying for you and the boys.

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  162. Dear Angie, Gavin, Grant and family,

    My prayers are with you all. I know Brian's passing was not exactly as you hoped, but the important thing is that he has been released from the struggle. You both were so very valiant throughout the last year. Hold on to the good memories.

    My prayers will continue to be with you as you pick up the pieces and go on with your lives. I am particularly praying that you will feel the Lord's arms lovingly supporting you through the next phase of this journey of life. He is always there for us--may you and your children keep close to Him.

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  163. I am so sorry not only that Brian left this earth much too early, but also because it was not in the peaceful way that everyone would have wanted. My heart, my prayers, my thoughts are with you and your family.

    May you feel the love and prayers that are surrounding you and yours.

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  164. I am just so very sorry, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and those of people all over. Your lives have been a testament to faith and God's love, and I know you will continue to be a light in this world.

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  165. Jerrilee DMarch 17, 2009

    Angie,Gavin,Grant,Jan and Ed,
    While there are no words to help ease the loss that you bear, please know that you are close in every thought and prayer.
    Love,
    Jerrilee

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  166. Love, prayers and endless belief from Tasmania...Kevin & Pam Sheehan

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  167. I've been lurking for months as you traveled this journey. My heart is breaking for you. I will keep your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  168. Although I don't know you and will never have the chance to know your beloved husband, I do know that the world lost a special person today. My condolensces to you, your children, and the entire family. My prayers will continue for you, now focused on giving you some much needed peace. God bless you Angie.

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  169. I keep waiting to find the right words but I can't. Please know that you, the boys, and your families are in our hearts and prayers.

    Lynette and Greg Denzer

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  170. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your entire family will remain in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

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  171. This was written incredibly eloquently!

    I send my deepest sympathies to you and also the boys.

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  172. Brian is home! That is a praise. I believe, and i will keep believing!!

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  173. Numb is OK for right now, sweetheart. There will be enough time later to feel all that will come. Today, just know that you and the boys are in the hearts and prayers of so many of us.

    My heart goes out to Jan, also. Having sons myself, I cannot imagine how much she is hurting right now. Please let her know that she's also being lifted up in love and prayer.

    May God bless and keep you always believing. xoxoxoxo

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  174. I am so so sorry for your loss. You and Brian's strength has touched people everywhere. You are such an amazing person, thank you for writing this blog. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

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  175. Angie, I am so sorry this happened to you. How wonderful it is to know that Brian is in the presence of the Lord, healed without pain. I will be praying for you and the boys that God will give you peace and comfort as only He can give. I do believe it won't be long before we all get to Heaven, Jesus is coming soon so you will see him again. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  176. I am so sorry! You ahve been a wonderful testimony to many! God bless you

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  177. Angie, I'm here for you. For anything I can possibly do, I'm here.

    I'm thinking about you and your boys.

    The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you, and give you peace.


    xo

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  178. What a devastating post to read. Even when you know it is coming, it doesn't lessen the pain. Your strength and faith have been such an inspiration to so many. You have handled it all so beautifully - caring for Brian, allowing your boys to be a part of this experience when they needed to and protecting them at the same time. Sending them to St. Louis for the weekend was the perfect thing - just to play, have fun being kids and be surrounded by people who love them so much. It doesn't really matter where Brian was when he left this world. He was with people who loved him deeply and he knew that. Life doesn't always work out the way we plan, but it's going according to God's plan and it always work out for our greater good, even if we don't understand the reasons at the time. I hope you find some peace knowing that Brian is home now. I'm thinking of you... Keep Believing!

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  179. Angie, sometimes numb is good. It gets you through the pain for a little while. After that, just think baby steps...

    Love and prayers to you and the boys.

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  180. On this, the hardest of days, I hope you can take comfort in the words of a blog lurker. You have handled this with such grace. You took excellent care of your boys and you gave Brian permission to do what he needed to do. My prayers are with you and your family. Brian is at peace.

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  181. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers for you and your boys.

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  182. I am so sorry. I think you are right. Brian chose his time and place. My prayers are with you and the boys.

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  183. I am praying for you...your boys and all who loved and had the honor of knowing Brian...

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  184. I am so sorry for your loss. My family's thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

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  185. You are in my prayers. God Bless you and your family.

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  186. Prayers and love for you and your family. We will be thinking of you (and praying for you every time we think of you) often in the next days, weeks, and months.

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  187. you made it. It has been the hardest thing you have ever done. I'm so grateful that it is over and will be praying for you in the next few weeks as the numbness wears off. You must be so tired, so weary. Even though it wasn't what you hoped for it was as it was, and you all did all you could. Rest Angie, well done good and faithful wife.

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  188. My prayers are with you and your grieving family tonight. It's hard for our finite-minds to wrap our heads around death - but thankfully you know where he is right now - pain free, at the feet of Jesus. He has been an inspiration to many.

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  189. Angie, I came across your blog when a friend posted a link from her blog. For the past few months I have been checking and reading the blog daily. You and your family amaze me everyday. When I read of Brian's passing it brought me to tears. I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you and your boys.

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  190. I'm so sorry for your loss. May God grant you strength & peace during this time.

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  191. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your boys will be in my prayers. Through all of your journey, your strength and faith has encouraged me to Keep Believing. Thank you. God bless you and your family.

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  192. So sorry for your loss. Thank you for the message to keep believing. May the God of all comfort encourage you and your family through this difficult time.

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  193. So sorry for your loss Angie - I am so at a loss for words. You will continue to be in my prayers - always!! I pray for peace that passes ALL understanding.

    Ashley

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  194. As it has been said so many times above, I really am sorry for your loss. As I read it, it brought back many memories of watching my mom pass (she also had brain cancer)....it also wasn't peaceful or at all the way I had hoped or planned. God certainly has his own ways and that is exactly how his glory is revealed, by doing it His way not ours. So rest assured His glory was revealed and is continuing to be! You are right about having to go while by himself...although our circumstances were different my mom also had a significant moment while we were all gone. How much better for your boys to remember dad as dad and not one who suffered. Allow yourself and the boys to grieve Angie...there is a time to be strong and a time to allow yourself to depend on loved ones.
    Love your dearly as one who has felt your pain in a similar way.

    Tracy Hanssen

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  195. Angie:

    He is Home.
    My heart and my prayers to you, you know this though.
    Love from so far away.

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