Wednesday, March 25, 2009

sea legs

Dear Brian,

The morning you died - March 17th, 2009, Mindi came around 5:15 am. We went to sleep around 6:00 am. As I was lying there with Mindi by my side instead of you, I asked her if she remembered that feeling you get when you have been on a boat all day - that feeling like you are still on the boat even hours after you get off the boat. I laid on my side - I could feel your heart beat. I could feel your breathing. I could feel myself on your chest in the crook of your arm listening to you and breathing you in, moving slightly with the rhythm of each breath. I had laid like that with you sporadically that entire day while your body shut down. I had laid like that with you for years. That was my spot. I told Mindi about the feeling - like when you get off a boat and still feel like you are on a boat. "I feel like I am still laying on his chest," I said, "and I hope that feeling never goes away."

Brian, it is already going away. I don't want my sea legs yet.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. Oh Angie. This is so beautiful and perfect. I know EXACTLY what you are expressing...


  2. Angie,
    It may fade but the love you and Brian shared was so intense that you will never lose your "sea legs" completely ~ You will see, it will come in waves... (no pun intended! :~)) just when you think it has vanished it will come back to you, just enough to touch your soul and heart again - you will sigh, smile and remember. And then you will face life again.

    A love like yours never truly ends. That love will keep your most precious memories of Brian alive and your heart will know just when to retrieve them and when to tuck them away.

    Hugs and Hugs and even more believing,

  3. Your insight is breathtaking. Simply breathtaking.

  4. Here's hoping, that now and then, you find waves which knock you off your feet.

  5. Maybe the sea legs will come and go. I don't know. I cannot even imagine. I am glad Mindi was there to hold you, and I love that you write these letters to Brian.

    Still believing.

  6. Oh, Angie...what a beautiful post...simple, sweet, perfect....

    Continuing to lift you and the boys up in prayer...

  7. Angie sometimes the words you chose just rip my heart out. Beautiful and painful. May Jesus wrap his arms around you tightly and comfort your heart and your sea legs.

  8. I love the letters to Brian... So beautiful... I continue to lift you, the boys and your family in prayer. May our Lord continue to comfort you.... Keep Beelieving.....

  9. Although I feel I know you, I wish I could have met Brian and you when he was still living here on earth. He must have been a wonderful man and husband and father. It's wonderful to know that his soul is still living, and the verse in the Bible that says we will know "as we are known" seems to say to me that we will be able to see one another in Heaven. If that's our chance to meet, than that's the most lovely meeting I can think of--to meet our Saviour and then our loved ones and friends together.

  10. You are an amazing person. May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, keep you (and your children's) hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

  11. You take my breath away with your ability to write in a way that the reader feels it right along with you. Keep writing these letters to Brian whether you want us all to read them or they are written privately just for you and him. I believe he feels you and is with you in this journey you are now taking...helping you to gradually get your sea legs...but I too hope you can take a boat ride and be splashed so hard it only brings you comfort and peace.

    Love you always,

  12. Angie,
    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you (often). Your post is beautiful..

  13. Dear Angie,
    This post is so mature: KEEP BELIEVING. As always you are in my prayers. Love, Monika.

  14. This is so beautiful and so sad, Angie. I am so glad you can express these feelings in your writing.

    When my mom died at age 46, I forgot her voice almost instantly. My friends could remember her voice vividly, but to me it was gone. This is before videos, etc. My friends ached for me b/c they knew how much more I needed her voice than they did.

  15. I have typed several things and deleted them all. I just have no words. I ache for you and for all of us who lost Brian. It's just so hard.

    Janell H.

  16. So beautiful, Angie. You are full of such grace. Thinking of you and praying.

  17. I read of a man who stood to speak, at the funeral of a friend.
    He referred to the dates on this tombstone from beginning ….to the end.

    He noted that first came his date of birth and spoke the following with tears.
    But he said what mattered most of all, was the dash in between those years.

    For the dash represents, all the time he spent alive on earth.
    And how only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

    For it matters not, how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash, what matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash…
    So think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?

    For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged.
    If we could just slow down enough, to consider what is true and real.
    And always try to understand, the way other people feel.
    And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
    and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
    If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile…
    Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

    So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash
    would you be proud of the things they say and how your spent your dash?
    -Linda Ellis

    How proud you must be of how Brian spent his dash!

  18. AngieMay the waves of comfort wash over you and the rythum of Brian's heart and memories of your lives together help you float along in peace. I am praying and I will Keep Believing.Peace Paul

  19. "Love is real not fade away
    No our love not fade away"

    A quote from my favorite Dead song.

  20. ::hugs:: I don't know for sure, but I would hope and imagine that even though you may get your sea legs out of necessity, you will never ever lose the memory of before your legs adjusted. You are in my prayers.

  21. I've been wiping away tears as I have read through your blog. Praying for you and your boys that the days somehow get easier for you and that the memories never fade away.

    Write, write, write down everything so in the future you have all of these feelings you have to bring back the memories.

  22. What a sweet sweet post Angie. I am praying for you hold onto all that you can while learning to adjust to this new season in your life. What a blessing these entries will be for the boys. You are full of such wisdom and beautiful inside and out!


  23. that is the most beautiful thing i've ever read. i'm sorry it's going away.

  24. What a gorgeous post, my dear. I am praying so hard for you right now.


  25. Your words are so powerful Angie and I know Brian can hear them.

    I wish I could say something to take the pain away, please know that you're in my heart all the time.


  26. OHHH I love your letters to your husband. Your words are so tender and powerful and whether you know it or not you are touching lives thru your love for your husband. I'll keep you and the boys in my prayers. Hang in there!

  27. That was truly one of the most beautiful descriptions of loss that I have ever read. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but you really are beautiful.

  28. Dear Angie

    Whether there is pride in heaven or not... Im not sure, however there is Love which can be similar to pride, and I bet Brian is looking down, be it with pride, or love on his beautiful wife. You are as amazing as everyone says!

    Keep Believing!