Saturday, April 18, 2009

finding time

Dear Brian,

I am finding it increasingly difficult to take the time to write to you these days. With the dawn of Spring come many chores and tasks. The lawn needs tending. The children have messes both inside and outside that need tidying each day. The weeds need pulling. The planters, umbrellas and other outside furnishings need to be placed and cleaned. There is much to do.

I miss you so much right now. Today, I mowed the lawn. I had to adjust the height on the lawn mower to what I thought you would consider an appropriate setting for the season opening mow. As I started, I saw that the side attachment was not in place so I had to adjust that, and as you remember that can be a booger. About 1/4 of the way through the lawn mowing, the children showed me how the trampoline net had fallen off one of its posts. Upon further examination, I realized the support post had slipped down the frame. I was angry because I know this happens when the kids are rough on it and roughness is against "house rules" on the trampoline. They continuously disobey and I am constantly the mean, mad mom making kids get off for disobeying. I digress. Anyway, I got the socket set from the garage and as soon as I lifted it from its place, the entire contents spilled all over the garage floor because it was not properly locked last time.

Then, I cried.

I sat on the garage floor and cried my eyes out while 6 children between 6 and 9 looked on in shock and horror. Then, 4 little 6 and 7 year olds sat next to me and eagerly helped me reassemble the socket set.

When we were finished with the socket set reassembly, I realized the project of adjusting the trampoline post was not a task for one adult. So, several children went seeking assistance. Mike helped. Willingly. Eagerly. Patiently. It was a relatively easy task. When we went to tighten it back up, the spacer had fallen. I was going to leave it because I was tired and frustrated, but I knew you couldn't stand a half-ass job on things. We loosened everything back up and refastened with the spacer in place. That is what you would have done. I couldn't help but think if I were helping you do the project, I probably would have impatiently huffed at you for forgetting the spacer. I internally apologized to you for every time I ever did that. I would take back every one of those moments right now to have just a few more minutes with you. Anyway, I am thankful that you taught me how to use the sprockets over the last couple of years. I feel confident with tools due to your instruction and patience with me.

I finished mowing and started to weed whip. I had to find the battery in the basement where we store for the winter for the weed whip. I finally did. I am thankful we bought the battery operated weed whip last year so you could easier perform the task. It makes it easier for me today. About 1/4 of the yard through, the weed whip ran out of string. I have to get the manual and determine how to thread new string. But, I couldn't find the string, so it doesn't matter. Another errand I now have to run for our family.

I think the van needs an oil change, too.

In addition, the gutter attachments we used last fall when we added the patio did not handle the winter very well. I need to fix those or determine a more suitable alternative for our patio. It is supposed to rain 1/2 inch tonight and our sump pump has been running a lot.

In between all this, I have broken up countless fights, corrected inappropriate language, forced sharing between a bunch of selfish entitled children, limited TV and video game time, cleaned up from a party last night and I just realized I forgot to eat breakfast as I look at the clock and realize I need to fix lunch for the kids.

Tomorrow is our anniversary, by the way.

That brings me back to my original point.

I miss you, yet I can barely find the time to write to tell you that. I miss you for practical reasons right now more then emotional. I hope you can forgive me for that. I am sorry. This family is just not whole without you. The everyday, practical things are reminding me of that right now.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. Angie! I'm first!

    You are so great. ANd you are learning so much. One foot in front of another. One day at a time. It's kinda cool to see you fitting eaching need that comes along. You shouldn't have to, but you do.

    Love, love, love!

  2. Your post made me appreciate my husband more than I have been lately. Keep Believing.

  3. That all sounds so overwhelming. Thanks for continuing to let us glimpse at your life. I'm lifting up prayers for you today from Idaho.

  4. You are an inspiration. May the Lord watch over you and may you continue to feel His Spirit day by day, minute by minute.

    You are teaching all of us how to respond to hardship and tribulation--such grace you have.

  5. Sending you a (((Hug))) Angie. I can't imagine just how many "little" things come up that you never would have given a passing thought to before. Hang in there!

  6. Your post made me go tell my hubby how much I appreciate all the little things he does around the house.
    Sending you big hugs!

  7. I remember the weight of what the day-to-day was like, doing everything myself, when I had two small children and no husband. I know that much because my first husband left and never came back. But I don't know what it was like to have been loved and cared for, and to have had someone by my side, and then gone. I reached out to friends from time to time, and I hope that you do, too.

    Still believing.

  8. Angie - You are strong. You are capable. You are going to make it. Keep believing... in yourself because all of us do.


  9. I so wish I were there to help with a chore or two. Words are so inadequate.

    Keep writing.


  10. Angie - thanks for reminding me about "finding time" to tell the ones I love how much I appreciate everything (big things and small things) they do. Love, Karye

  11. {{{{{hug}}}}} You are quite an amazing lady.

  12. You know, sometimes even in life we need our spouse more for practical things than emotional ones. And that's ok. They're our mate, our partner in life for all things--practical, emotional, sexual & so forth. So don't feel bad about missing him for the practical stuff....because I know that, deep down, you miss Brian for all the million other reasons as well! HUGS!

  13. I am reading this on a day when my husband has done a Herculean amount of yard work while I have done homework. It was very easy to put myself in your place.

    You are an amazing and self-sufficient woman, but please don't think you have to do it all on your own.

  14. Angie,
    I know tomorrow may be harder than today is - but know you are thought of and loved - and I am just down the street - happy to listen and chat anytime you need.
    I am not too bad with tools either, so together we could probably accomplish anything we put our mind to! My dad is here this week so we may be able to help (I am sure we can both learn from him how to sting the weed whip ;)
    Remember to breath.

  15. Hi Angie - I wanted to write you . . . I am sure if you need any assistance with something around the house, my Sister Jeanette can either help you or show you how to accomplish what you need. Jeanette lives close to you I think - (Jeanette Akright.) I live in Pekin . . . I know you probably need a little break from all of the kids stuff right now . . . the arguing and such from the boys . . . Take time out to just have a good time together - especially when you feel your world crumbling. I am certain your boys are trying to "figure" things out as well and that could be part of their behavior. I am sending you hugs - even though we have never met. Praying for you and your precious boys.

  16. Oh Angie, how many times has our socket set gone flying too? And, how many times have I needed to cry and just let it all out only to be surrounded by children (just a little privacy would be nice). Hang in there. You will figure it out. Your lawn may not be the nicest this year, your house chores may take more planning but that's okay. Pick your battles.

    Your children sound very normal to me. I think I'd be worried if they weren't acting out. Maybe, in all that, there is the blessing of knowing that they are processing... feelings, emotions, things they can't even put words to.

    May God bless you each and every day. Remember to breathe and to pray. He will help you through every task, His strength is so much more than ours. I often exhaust myself trying to accomplish everything on my own forgetting to ask for God's help. Don't forget to ask Him first. You will be amazed at the practical ways He shows up!

  17. You're amazing. I would be whining and begging other people to do all these things for me. Really.

  18. He loves you to. And your boys are going to love you forever, especially when they realize that you continued to live for them when it would have been easier to crawl in bed and stay for a long time.

  19. Oh, Angie. Hugs to you all.

  20. Do you know what really kicks ass about this post? That you did all of this stuff and wrote about it and it still wasn't noon. I look forward to hearing about the rest of your day. Keep up the good work (and play). Brian would be most pleased.

  21. This is a painfully perfect post.

    After this? I miss him too.

  22. Oh honey. I wish I could help you, more than to send you a virtual hug or some strength through the wind. Happy Anniversary....I know that he knows you miss him..without you writing a word and you know he loves you without a word as well.

  23. I don't know you, but I wanted to stop by (from Motherscribe) and wish you a Happy Anniversary! My fiance died four days before our wedding, back in 1998, and I can tell you that the pain does fade, and yes, so do the memories which is sad, but I believe is probably necessary. You never forget, though. You never forget how they made you feel. Stay strong, and keep believing!

  24. This is a lovely letter. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. My heart goes out to you.

  25. Angie,
    This is so beautiful! I'm so sorry for your loss.
    You are an amazing woman!

  26. Angie- I find myself trying to juggle it all while eric is NMexico for work for the next year. I feel like I cant handle it all, and sat and cried last week when I failed to start all 3 of our mowers. I gave up. You did not. Your preserverence is overwelming. I remind myself alot that erics going is temporary, so in truth, I have nothing to gripe about. You are so much stronger than you know- One day at a time, Hang in there!!!

    Love ya!


  27. You are doing so much more than most of us are capable of. You can do this. You ARE doing this. Keep Believing.
    Sugar in New Orleans