Thursday, April 23, 2009


Dear Brian,

Some days are just harder than others for different reasons. Some days I am so overwhelmed with my own grief, I feel angry at the world for carrying on as if nothing happened. Some days the housework and other chores pile up. Some days the children act out or simply act up.

And then there are days like today, for which I am completely unprepared.

The boys are going through a "FEAR" phase. They are afraid of so many possibilities of catastrophe happening to us. The other day, Gavin was terrified of possible burglary. He asked me a million questions about burglars and "what if" scenarios.

What if a burglary came?

We lock the doors.

What if we forget to lock the doors?

I never do. But you can start helping me lock the doors each night if you want. We can be a team.

What if the burglar has a saw?

I would hear it and I would call the police and the police would get the burglar.

What if the saw is quiet?

There are no quiet saws.

What if the burglar is faster than the police?

Then I would call Mike or Chris and they would be here and beat up the burglar really fast til the police came.

If a burglar came would you leave and run?

Gavin, I would run into YOUR and GRANT'S room and I would protect you and I would save you. I would never leave you behind. AND? I am a lot stronger than you realize.

It is difficult being the knight after so many years of being the princess. It makes me miss you so much.

Then, tonight, Brian, we had our first thunderstorm of the year. The boys were both terrified of the lightening, insisting the lightening would strike our house and cause a fire. I kept reassuring them our house was safe, pointing out all the times we have had wind or lightening or rain, yet the house has never had a problem. We would be fine. I missed you and your ability to reason with them. Sometimes your reasoning boiled down to comments like "Lightening would never strike here because I am Superman and it is afraid of me." They would giggle and move on, assured of your unreasonable ability to protect them. I felt safe, too.
You always had a way of turning this:
Into this:

Their fears tonight consisted of fire "what if" scenarios.

What if the lightening strikes the house?

It won't. Our house is safe.

What if it does and there is a fire?

Then we will get out of the house.

How will we get around the fire?

We will run.

What if we can't?

I would totally be able to. I would run and save each one of you and get you out safely. I would protect you.

If we have a fire will we have to live outside?

We would live with Mommo and Poppo until we fixed our house. Besides, why are you so scared of a fire. Why weren't you scared of lightening and fire when Daddy was alive?

Cuz lightening was afraid of Daddy.

of course
Well, I think Jesus will protect us all now that Daddy isn't alive. Lightening and fire are afraid of houses that Jesus protects, too

What if you don't survive the fire, Mom?

I will. Our house is not going to catch on fire and we are all going to be fine.

Mom, what if...?

I am going to pray now. Jesus, please protect this house. Keep us safe from all things that could harm us. Protect us. Help us to feel peaceful and calm. Help us to not fear. I, especially ask that you protect Gavin and Grant's rooms. Be present with them. Fill their sleep with good thoughts and love and peace. Help us to remember that you told us to Fear Not.

And, Brian, you know what? Gavin fell asleep to that prayer. His little eyes peacefully closed and he drifted into slumber.

I pray that I can fill the role of superman in their eyes. I pray that they can learn to accept that I would give my life to protect them. I pray that I can come across as strong and valiant to them to ease their fears. Because, you know what, Brian? Sometimes I share their fears. I can't help but thing some of the same "What if's" Would I be able to handle it? I think I can.

With Christ's help, I know I can.

I miss you, Brian, I love you.



  1. Thanks to Mama Geek I've found you blog. Very touching. Love your grace.
    Take care,

  2. I haven't commented lately been working the night shift and just busy working. BUT you are not forgotten and my prayers are also with you. Each day one step at a time, each hour one step at a time, each minute, each second, each nanosecond, step
    you are doing a great job
    you can make it
    you are stronger than you know
    you are a great mother, great wife, great woman,
    you will survive
    your love will survive, and change so that it doesn't hurt so bad and that will be ok.
    your boys
    your joys
    your heart
    will grow, is growing, is still beating
    each second, one beat at a time...

  3. Angie--your strength is inspiring. Lots of love to you and your boys. I will be praying for you.

  4. I love your blog! Thankyou!!

  5. Angie, you're right, you ARE alot stronger than ANYONE realizes..I understand however, that this is not a position that you CHOOSE to be in. Sometimes, YOU need to be covered...protected...I'm so sorry. You are doing such a great job. As always, lifting your beautiful family up in prayer......

  6. "I am a lot stronger than you realize."

    That sentence summed it all up. You are strong. Even when you feel weak, you are strong. And your strength comes from knowing and trusting the Lord.

    "I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." (Ps 18.1-2)

    I continue to pray for you and the boys.

  7. You are truly amazing~'Superwoman.' (((HUGS)))

  8. the world does go on, but no one has been forgotten. -ben

  9. You are a lot stronger than you think, and than you feel. You have been stronger over all these years with Brian being sick than many people need to be in their whole lives. You will take care of your boys, and I know Christ will give you the strength you need.

    I'm sorry for these late night and middle of the night struggles. I know those are the worst times. I'm glad you have your blog to share these feelings (and your beautiful writing) with all of us, day or night.

  10. My dearest Angie,

    What a heartbreaking post! I cannot imagine, sweet friend, the dilemma you have over being strong for your two precious boys while having fears of your own. You did the absolute best thing possible for Gavin last night by praying peace over him. Angie, the Lord promises us that His Word is living and active, that it is God-breathed. I have been in the clutches of terror and the ONLY thing that has calmed me down is saying the Name of Jesus out loud in the dark. I also have spoken Scripture out loud so that my ears can hear the powerful, heart-calming words of our God. You do not have to wonder for ONE second if the Lord is watching over you. He has taken Brian to be with Him and now HE IS YOUR DEFENDER. You tell Gavin and Grant that Jesus Christ Himself is their Superman. He is standing guard over you all and protecting you against any harm that may try to come against you. He has charged His holy angels to fight for you and your boys. You are in the palm of His hand and NO ONE and NOTHING can snatch you from that place of safety.

    The Bible is full of God's heart toward widows and the fatherless. I could just weep over His special tenderness toward the three of you. Write these Scriptures down and say them to all of you before bedtime. Watch the supernatural happen with the fear in your boys' eyes. They will come to understand and believe that Jesus is fighting the bad guys as they hear the inspired Word of God in their ears.

    I love you, sweet friend, and am praying--Shawn from TN

    Psalm 68:4-5 (New International Version)

    Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
    extol him who rides on the clouds—
    his name is the LORD—
    and rejoice before him.

    A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling.

    Proverbs 15:25 (New International Version)

    The LORD tears down the proud man's house
    but he keeps the widow's boundaries intact.

    Jeremiah 49:11 (English Standard Version)

    Leave your fatherless children; I will keep them alive;
    and let your widows trust in me."

    James 1:27 (New International Version)

    Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

  11. You ARE a princess...a strong, kick butt princess. Life is gonna kick back and you will become even stronger. Your boys will be stronger because of you. This new "norm" God has placed in your life will give them a desire to provide for their families and not take them for granted. They will be better men for it.

    You're going to get through girl! HE will get you through.

  12. I thank the lord that my husband is healthy today, but I still feel like I am living vicariously through you in this blog. I have two boys and the bond they have (even though they are so young) is so similar to that with your husband. They are so safe when he is around, just because. He is Superman. But, soon your boys will realize that you are SuperWoman, and they will feel just as safe as before. I hope that I could be half as strong as you are if I were in the same situation.

  13. I have read enough of your blog to know that you do not seek sympathy but scripture does say to weep with those that weep and that is exactly what is taking place with so many of your readers right now. God's unfailing strength and blessings to you, your boys and your saddened family that is going through and watching you go through this now.
    Harpers from Ironton MO

  14. Stronger than even you know, I suspect.

  15. you continue to touch my life in depths I did not know were possible. It's been said so much more eloquently than I could ever put into words, but you are amazing. My prayers for you and Gavin and Grant, and I know your Superman is still watching and protecting and loving his Super family!

    Silverton, OR

  16. And? You've got Brian up there with Jesus. You will protect the boys. Jesus will protect you. And Brian will make sure of it.

    Still believing.


  17. Angie...keep believing...GOd is still ALL-Powerful! and in control and overseeing everything...and LOVE...He is carrying you through all of this even when you can't see it!
    Love you Superwoman! He is your strength you truly have superwoman-powers!

  18. And their daddy is watching them and you every hour, every minute, every second. His right side is healed and there is nothing he can't do to keep you safe.

    And you can get a puppy:)

  19. I believe everything you told them. You never know your strength till you're tested. Somewhere in there is a compliment to your strength. ::hugs:: You are all in my prayers.

  20. Angie,
    Having those conversations about the "what ifs" and "how comes" with my children is always something I'm unprepared for. They always have a way of taking me to a topic that I'm not willing/ready to discuss, or putting me in a situation where I either have to lie to spare them fear, or tell the truth and watch them lose some innocence. So hard. Equally as difficult are my own "what ifs" and "how comes" ... yours too, I'm sure. Just know that you are not alone, and years from now your boys won't even remember a time that they ever felt scared or insecure with your protection. They're testing the "new" waters, and you're doing a fine job : )

  21. I love Shawn's post and scripture references. With Christ as your Defender, you CAN be Supermom.

  22. This just brings tears to my eyes. Out of the mouths of babes... it's hard not to fear. It's hard to be the strong one. I am also lending my prayers that God keeps your home safe and secure and that it exudes love that is undeniable.

    I once heard that God tells us to "take courage" not to muster up courage but to "take" it. It's God's courage that we take. Maybe that analogy can help too.

    Much love to you and yours

  23. Angie...You are the strongest Princess I know and your boys will be supermen someday because of it. I admire you more than you know. Your post about Gavin falling asleep to your prayer for peace brought tears to my eyes. I pray for you to fall asleep to that same peace every night. You touch so many lives. Keep Believing!!