Sunday, August 23, 2009

FALLing again...

Dear Brian,

I wish I could express to you how life is going without you in a way that wouldn't make you feel bad for leaving us. I can't. I can't tell you that we are doing just fine and getting by alright. We appear to be, but we are all very sad and confused. The boys and I seem to fight a lot amongst ourselves. We all seem to be finding our pecking order and testing each other to see how firm we have to stand before the other will bend.

Our surrounding world is transforming again. From summer to fall. From a time of fun and games to practice and routine. From a time of on-the-constant-go to home and school. It is in this transformation that I miss you most. Realizing once the boys arrive home at 3, that is it for the day. There is no anticipation of Daddy's arrival in a few hours. I sit alone at church. I will go to Back to School Parent's Night alone while the rest of our world handles this familiar routine as a family team. It becomes an effort not to resent them for the unknown ease they have in their lives.

I have always equated Fall and back to school with a a time of immediate family togetherness. The weekends become more important as both mothers and fathers are seeing their children for the only full days of a week. Saturday, after I had breakfast cleaned up and had finished my workout, I slipped outside to bask in the beauty of a glorious Saturday morning. I sobbed, missing you, knowing you would have shared time with me that morning enjoying a cup of coffee planning our day. I cried later that day as I took the boys to the outdoor mall with me. They behaved rather well considering they thought they were supposed to be at a birthday party and not running an errand with me, only to realize I had the wrong day for the party. I rewarded them with some time at the mall playground and Auntie Anne's pretzels. This location was lovingly nicknamed the PRETZEL PARK by you and the boys years ago. It has always been one of your favorite places to take the kids even when you were unable to walk well. I missed having you at the Pretzel Park with us. If found myself crying at your Mom and Dad's house while we celebrated Cheryl's birthday. The pain of seeing couples together sometimes is unbearable. Yet it is comforting. I can't explain it logically.

Yet, today has been a good day. Yes, I miss you today. Yes, I wanted you next to me at church. Yes, at church I find myself especially vulnerable and emotional. Yes, the boys and I are having our issues. But today, I woke and made a conscious decision to make today good. I hate that it has be such an effort to have a good day. I think of you and how you made a conscious effort every single day to get out of bed and make it downstairs. How you had to will your right side to move in rhythm with your left. How you had to stop and think about the words you were about to use every time you formed a sentence. How you did it, though, and never complained. How you rarely lamented about your burdens at all. You would assure me that to do so, was a choice. You made the choice appear effortless.

Brian, you continue to inspire me to make a choice today to have a good day. I pray tomorrow I make the same choice with as much grace as you always did.

I love and miss you, Brian.



  1. Angie, We are still here. And still praying for you. There aren't any words to say-so I won't.I love you! Rhonda

  2. love you angie


  3. Angie~

    I too am starting to dread fall time. I've never liked winter or fall, and now I really dread it. I think it's because like you said those season's have always been big family time for us. Plus football season starts and I hate that without Shawn.

    I also understand the pain of seeing couples. Sometimes it really warms my heart to see couples together, other times it hurts so much I just want to cry and I miss being a couple.

    Please know that I think of you often. Also if you ever need anything or just want to talk, please don't hesitate to send me an email. I have found lots of comfort in talking to people who know exactly how I'm feeling.

  4. I am so sorry for your pain. I'm glad you have silly and wonderful memories like "Pretzel Park."

  5. I check this blog daily - not because I expect you to blog - but a little part of me hopes that you do...Your raw emotion shared - and your fears outwardly expressed bring me heartache for you - and then a sense of peace...that as I mourn the loss of my grandmother from cancer - I am not alone...I don't try to compare that loss - I just find comfort in your words...I pause - and know that though we will never meet...I thank God that I read your words...and pause.

  6. Hugs to you Angie. You're always in my prayers.

  7. I am so thankful that today you were able to will yourself to have a good day. Would you have even imagined that you would be able to do that a few weeks ago? I love that Brian is still inspiring you to move forward. I think he would like that. I pray for a great school year for the boys and great teachers, oh and great friends. All my love.

  8. Angie,

    I wish I could say or do something to help you guys. All I can do is pray and I'm still doing that...every day I pray for you guys. Hang in there, Angie. Hang in there.


  9. Angie,
    Change is the hardest thing in life. And you have had a LOT of change. I can't imagine how hard it is to find the new 'normal'. But God wants you to succeed in finding it. He wants you to be joyful. The devil wants you to suffer. Don't let the bad guy win!!

    Love you.

  10. You don't know me, but I'm praying that you get through this and realize how lucky you were to have that love you shared with Brian. Remember it, rejoice in it, but don't let it tear you down. You will be with him again one day. I truly believe that. I am just so very sorry you and your boy have to go through this. It just isn't fair.

  11. You are thought of often and prayed for even more!

  12. Angie-

    Know that I prayed for you to be able to wake up and have the desire to have a good day more times than not. I wish I had words.....know that I am sending you lots of hugs.




  14. love, love, love to you. hugs, warm sweet hugs to you. thank you Lord, for a good day. there are so many many more where that came from. you will get back to the days where that seems to be the norm. you will.

  15. You are still teaching us compassion, love, courage, patience, perseverance, endurance, and how to find gratitude.

    Thanks for pressing forward with faith for it helps us all in our moments of discouragement no matter the cause.

  16. Continue to lift you in prayer and think of you often. Hoping more 'good' days are in your future this week-
    Sugar in New Orleans

  17. Amen, Sister. That man was amazing. God must have needed him for some huge job in heaven. We just don't know what it is yet!

    Love you!