Monday, October 13, 2008

what life is really like these days

Last week I wrote about “just life” - what it is like sometimes to just be us and how that doesn’t seem interesting for a blog post these days.

The truth is that “just life” for us is so much more complicated. I have struggled lately with writing anything for fear of writing something less than inspirational or upbeat. The truth is we are beat down. Our “just life” lately consists of wondering day to day what is going on with Brian.

Brian is having some problems. It started with headaches early last week – what he thought were sinus headaches. Excruciating sinus headaches. He took some Z-Pac and felt better about 24 hours later. The next day, the uncomfortable feeling around his sinus passages came back and he was in a lot of discomfort. His speech began to falter as well. He is having a more difficult time speaking the words he wants to say and sometimes coming up with the word at all. He feels pressure in his head and it is causing him issues.

So our “just life” currently entails trying to discern what to do next. Our ‘just life” involves making agonizing decisions about work and what Brian can handle and what is best for him. Our “just life” is full of fear and confusion and despair while trying to do whatever we can for Brian.

Our “just life” consists of an MRI on Tuesday morning at 7:30 and a follow up appointment on Wednesday at 12:15 to try to better determine what may be happening inside Brian’s head.

Our “just life” is also riddled with soccer games and trips to the park and homework and dinner and paying bills and grocery shopping. And it is in times like these that “just life” is such a paradox. While we try to make things normal for our boys as much as we can, it is all I have in me not to scream at the world to please stop for a while. Just stop and let me catch my breath. I don’t want to eat or clean right now or think about the fact that my boys need to eat or take showers. I don’t want to do homework or pay bills or fold laundry. Our life is in limbo and on hold, so why can’t all the auxiliary events around it do the same?

In the next breath, though, it is those stupid, mundane, auxiliary events that keep us sane – that give us some routine and rhythm. Is that why I resent them so much?


  1. Sometimes “going through the motions” helps life feel more normal, even when it feels like its anything but. Blog posts don’t always have to be sunny. Life has its ups and downs and your honest portrayal of them is one of the things I admire most about your blog. It’s so much easier to stick to the fluff and skip the heavier stuff, for fear of what people will think. You’re a wonderful writer and I always enjoy reading what you have to say, whether funny or serious. Some day, you’ll reread these posts and remember all the wonderful memories that you’ve chronicled. Even though there are painful times, this is such a happy time too – watching your boys growing up and spending this time with Brian, together as a family.

    I will say a prayer that Brian has good test results on Tuesday.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Hi Sweetheart. Oh how I wish I was close enough to be able to hug you up and let you rest for a while. Your continued strength and courage ALONE are enough of an inspiration for anyone who visits here even semi-regularly. The fact that you keep doing "just life" is a testiment to the strength of your heart and the courage of your soul. I don't know what God has in store for Brian, or for you and the boys, but I do know that He does have you all firmly held even when it feels like you are drifting alone on a raging sea. There have been days in my life when all I could manage was to sit in the middle of the bed with my knees hugged up to my chest, rocking and crying. And listening to the Scott Krippayne's song, Sometimes He Calms the Storm . When all you have to hold onto is your faith, the words in that song can bolster it enough for you to be able to get through just one more minute... and then another... and another. Hang on, honey. You are in all our prayers.

  5. I have not been in a trial, like this, ever in my life. I feel as thought I am unqualified to even offer any bit of advice or comfort. However, I know that through the love of Jesus Christ, you can make it through this trial. It might seem unfair and you may never know why this is happening to your family, but there IS a reason behind it all. Maybe it's just the fact you are able to offer God's love through this blog, or to someone on Brian's medical team.

    I kind of feel like that in the time of trial, God allows us to keep those mundane moments, just to help keep us sane! As annoying as those moments may seem, in a time when there are bigger things going on, I tend to thank the Lord for the normalcy and for the reassurance that He is the same no matter what.

    Keep Believing, dear! I will be praying.

  6. Okay, Angie, have you ever been asked, "How do you do it? You're so busy, you've got 2 young kids, your husband is sick. How do you keep it all going?" I have been asked this, although I do not have a sick husband but I have 4 kids... and my simple answer is, "Sometimes I don't." What I mean is, when life gets overwhelming, focus on the important (Brian, Gavin, Grant) and ignore the not-so-important. Leave laundry in baskets. Cook Pizza for dinner. Eat off paper plates. Skip baths (assuming they don't stink). Go to sleep early. Send a Lunchable to school. Because, this won't last forever. In a little while (a week, a month, whenever) you will get your mojo back and you'll be ready to tackle "LIFE" again. Until then, don't expect yourself to do it all. And forgive yourself for not doing it all. The only person's expectations you have to live up to are your own.

    Take care. Love you.

  7. You, Brian and the kids are in my prayers. I know the unknown must be really scary. Please keep us posted.

    And yes, sometimes the mundane tasks can keep us sane as they are small things we have control over.

  8. Ditto Texan Mama.

    Sending prayers your way.

  9. Many prayers are with you. During the times that I have walked through my dark storms, it was only knowing that the Lord was by my side that made it possible. If it helps, use your blog as a vent. We will listen and pray with and for you.

    The Lord is aware of your individual needs. Sometimes we don't understand we just have to trust His process and His timing.

  10. Thanks for sharing what's going on with us. Please don't feel compelled to be inspirational--we want to support you not have you inspire us.

    Texan Mama has some wise advice. I'm sure there are people willing to help with rides for the boys and things like that. Let them. You will pay it forward when you can.

    Thinking of you and hoping for good news.

  11. You are always in my heart and prayers. I can't imagine. I do hope for good news soon Angie.

  12. We pray for Brian and your family nightly.
    Keep up the good fight.
    Blessings, Elizabeth

  13. Angie -
    Your whole family is in our prayers! Don't ever feel like you need to be the source of inspiration all the time. And don't feel guilty using your blog to express your feelings, fears, etc. There are so many people who read it who love you and want to support you in whatever way they can - You just write what you feel like writing!
    Hugs & Prayers...

  14. Angie,

    Please come over if you need anything!!


  15. I'm so sorry, Angie - that you all are going through this difficult time - I am!! I will be praying for you and for Brian - I hope it is nothing serious and I hope you catch your breath!! Take care and I'll see you soon - Kellan

  16. Sometimes it's okay to just let everything sit for a while and even if it piles up, it's a break all around. I wish I could give you a group hug and I can not imagine the day to day process. Praying and believing, elizabeth

  17. Thinking and praying for you and your family Angie.

    Wishing there was more I could do...

  18. Oh Angie.. I wish I lived closer so I can just give you a big hug.. not that a hug solves anything, but your strength AND Brian's strength through all this leaves me speechless..

    Hugs and Prayers being sent your way from my way.. xoxox