quick note about Brian

First and foremost, I wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to all the well-wishers for us. We seriously appreciate the kind thoughts, the extra prayers and the sweet words of encouragement. Seriously. Most of the readers of this blog are our family and friends and not other bloggers, so the comment to readership ratio is skewed. You see, my family and friend non-bloggers do not understand that blogging can be an addiction and comments are our crack. So, to see that over 80 people commented to tell us they were thinking and praying for us, is beyond humbling. Thank you. Thank you also to Kristen and PG who directed their readers here for extra luv. Thank you also for understanding that at this point in our lives, I cannot possibly respond to all of you nor check back to your blogs right now. No. My priorities are spending time with Brian and as a family. I know you all understand. Honestly, your thoughts and prayers are working though, as I have felt a renewed vigor to KEEP BELIEVING. Last week, I was honestly ready to give up. It pains me to admit that.

Secondly, Brian is having a PetScan today. This PetScan should be to try to better determine if the 24% growth is tumor or radiation effect. In the end, it will not change the fact that we will discontinue this chemo and go on with a different course. We will speak with the doctor later today and talk about a plan for the next step. We should have called last night, but we had soccer games and it isn't really a great place to have a conversation with the doctor. Plus, what's one more day at this point in time?

The steroids seem to have helped Brian some as his speech improved and his headaches were less over the weekend. We had a great weekend and Brian, as I said yesterday, did just fantastic. I think most people would have had no idea that his test results showed a worsening condition.

The proverbial "one day at a time" saying rings so true for us these days. Usually I want to kick someone in the teeth when they use that line on me followed by a "no shit, sherlock," but these days, that is the best we can do. We take each moment as it comes. Brian is on leave from work now. He is concentrating on himself and staying on this earth for as long as God will allow. He keeps saying, "I'm not done yet." Regardless, each day we analyze how Brian is feeling and what he can handle. For the most part, he has felt pretty good and can handle most of what he was handling recently. His speech issues come and go. He is suddenly tired and needs rest. His headaches are sporadic, but controllable.

I endured the agonizing chore of revealing to our boys their Daddy is getting sicker. Naturally, they met my news with questions regarding Daddy’s death. I explained that we will all die some day, but that Daddy’s sickness is very serious and he might die from it. “Will Jesus heal Daddy?” “What will happen if Daddy dies?” “Can’t Daddy take different medicine?” Those were some of the interrogations I had to field. I answered as truthfully as I could. “Jesus COULD heal Daddy, but I don’t know if he will.” “If Daddy dies, we will be fine. You will be fine. It will be the 3 of us and we will be OKAY. It will be different, but we have lots of people that love us and want to help us.” “Daddy is going to try different medicine, but it might not help. Daddy’s cancer is growing.” “The most important thing you need to know is that Daddy doesn’t WANT to be sick. It isn’t Daddy’s fault, it isn’t YOUR fault – it is NO ONE’s fault.” I don't know if I am handling this appropriately or not. I don't want the children blindsided. I don't want them to be afraid if they see people (me) crying. I want them to feel secure, loved and cared for, and I am doing my best to reassure them of that.

Gavin had a revelation. “I KNOW WHY DADDY IS SICKER! He picked his nose and that makes you sick! No, Mom. Stop laughing. It’s real. When you pick your nose, it gets germs in there and makes you sick. Daddy picked his nose.” So one good thing that could come from this would be that my boys may have better hygiene as someone somewhere along the way has told them this urban myth and I swear it wasn’t me. I reserve my lies for things like – If you don’t eat your vegetables, you will get fat and have no muscles and be the slowest one on the team. Don’t judge me. Shut up.

A few minutes later, Gavin was asking me the whereabouts of our tray we use to take breakfast in bed when people are sick. So, we got down the serving tray and they started loading it with things to take to Daddy. Straws, because according to 7 and 5 year old boys, when you are sick, you have to drink through a straw. Books – but only kid books. I thought the gesture was incredibly sweet and compassionate, and I thought it was important to let them be as much a part of this or as little a part of this as they want.

KEEP BELIEVING