Sweating the Small Stuff

Strange. The small things have started to bug me. I don’t get it. It isn’t my small things that bug me, though. It is other people’s small things. And it isn’t exactly their small things, but rather their irritation with small things that bugs me. Because I want to scream and shout that they have it made, so shut the eff up, cut me some slack, and grin and bear it. But the truth is, I don’t know that they have it made. They could be hurting inside the same as I am. They could have suffered a loss recently that puts them over the edge. I don’t know.

Brian’s little brother, Michael and his pregnant wife, Jen, came into town Wednesday. Thursday, as a group, we all went to lunch – those of us that weren’t in school anyway. About ½ hour into lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings, Brian was overcome with an excruciating headache – an occurrence that comes more frequently these days. The headaches come on quickly and can leave just as suddenly. Sometimes they last for ½ hour, other times they plague him for over 3 hours. They are debilitating. They render him unable to cope, to speak, to think and to do just about anything. We are trying everything. The pain seems to be centered more around his eyes – like a sinus headache. We are trying Tylenol, Sudafed, Alka Seltzer cold and Sinus, Nasacort, anti-biotics, extra steroids, and occasionally even Vicodin. The pain is that bad. I have been on the phone with the doctor several times in the last few days trying to determine how to best handle this. I have been to the pharmacy several times picking up different prescriptions and over the counter remedies. I can’t bear to see Brian in such pain.

Speaking of pharmacies and the small things frustrating me I was at our CVS twice yesterday to pick up a prescription the doctors office called in for us only to be told it wasn’t there the first time. After several phone calls, we determined that it was in fact there the entire time. I don’t understand this. And what gets me more is the pharmacy’s lack of assistance. No one offers to call and help determine what is the problem anymore. No one puts forth any extra effort to simply ease the confusion and chaos. It all falls right back on us. It gets old.

Brian’s increased headaches have us very concerned, obviously. We want to control his pain. The oncologist thought the neuro-surgeon would call us yesterday. Rather, the neuro-surgeon’s office made an appointment for a consultation for NEXT THURSDAY. This is beyond unacceptable. The tumor grew 24% in 3 weeks. By the time we would go next THURSDAY, it will have been 2-1/2 weeks since the LAST MRI again. By the time they did anything, it would be the following week and then 3 weeks since the last MRI. And I would call and fight this (again) if we were seriously thinking about surgery. But, I think Brian is done with surgery. He doesn’t want to go through it again. I respect that and honestly, I agree.

Brian has an oncologist appointment on Monday. It was a planned appointment from the last chemo, so we will discuss with him what other chemo we may try next, if Brian wants to do that. Honestly, I can’t tell what he wants to do. Some days I think he just wants to pass peacefully and other days I think he wants to stay and fight. Actually, scratch that, some MOMENTS I think he wants to pass peacefully, and other MOMENTS I think he wants to stay and fight. While my heart is breaking into a million pieces each day, I support him no matter what.

I have spoken with just about everyone that I think is involved in the children’s lives – teachers, church leaders, coaches, bus drivers, their friends’ parents – to give them awareness, to implore their sensitivity and to ensure they help us identify any troubling behavior or emotions. I want to help the kids, but since they spend so much time in other settings these days, I need help. Also, I think it is very important for others to be aware to help watch over my boys. I am doing what I feel is best, but every day I question myself.

This morning, Gavin acted out in a way that I have never seen before. He literally stamped his foot, screamed NO repeatedly at me and almost hit me. He is 7 and this behavior is beyond inappropriate. We have been very bad about sitting down for any sort of an organized family meal these days due to our schedules and our in and out company. The fight was over what he was eating for breakfast. I didn’t feel I was being unreasonable. It was so hard because my punishment for him as his behavior escalated was to take away the Wii we are borrowing for another day. I really thought this would work. We got up to my taking it away for the weekend and his behavior did not change. I didn’t know what to do. By the end of the brawl, I sat down at the table and cried quietly to Brian because I don’t want him to lose the Wii. I want him to have fun with his cousins and aunts and uncles this weekend. I want this to be memorable for all of us. I immediately regretted it, but I also know the importance of follow through. I also know that my boys are tired and sad. They see my cry a lot. They have to be somewhat scared. They are not getting to bed at normal times and it is my fault. Our routine is out of whack. I need to cut them some slack and HELP them vent their emotions in a more appropriate, healthy manner. So, begrudgingly, I spoke with Gavin on the way to the bus stop when we had both calmed down and explained that his behavior was unacceptable. If he is tired or sad or mad, there are better ways to handle it than to be mean to people. But, you know what? They probably are mad at me and Brian. Seriously. Their mom cries a lot. Their Daddy is sick. They are getting off the bus at other people’s houses here and there. They have to be confused and frustrated. I didn’t even go over Gavin’s spelling words this morning. He has a test today. I feel like I fail them a bit more each day and things aren’t even that bad yet.

Yesterday in Wal-mart, I was picking up a few things for the shower this weekend. As I was checking out behind slow, crazy cat-lady with cases of cat food and cases of Kit Kats and stuff under her coat it looked like she was trying to hide, etc, I found myself a bit frustrated at her lack of organization and her lengthy check out. Oh well, I thought, more time with just me and Gavin – trying to be more half full. I bought some ribbon for a shower centerpiece. The ribbon ended up being priced per yard and not per roll, so I had to go back and get different ribbon. I explained that I would be right back and Gavin and I ran back to get the ribbon and ran back to the check out. When I got to the checkout, the cashier had obviously thought I would be a while and had moved all my things off the belt into a cart instead of checking them through. If he had checked them through, I would have been back about the time he was finishing up. Honestly, the entire process probably took me about a minute and 45 seconds, IF THAT. When I got back the guy looked surprised to see me, got the cart and started checking me out again. I looked at the lady behind me, obviously frustrated by her glaring stare, and said, “sorry about that.” She said, “For future reference, next time, you should continue checking out with what you have then, go back into the store to get what you forgot and check out again. That’s what I have done in the past.” I said, “Oh. Sorry again. I wasn’t gone that long.” She said, “There has already been a person that got out of line because of you.” I looked at her and said, “You know what, Mam, I am having a really bad day. I’m sorry I inconvenienced someone for 90 seconds today, but I need some slack. Thanks.” I could feel her glares. I could feel my emotions swelling in my throat. I went to the bags and started loading them in my cart to get away from her. I came back to pay (all about 4-6 feet from the cart and loading area) and she said, “Your day is going to get a lot worse if you leave your wallet unattended like that again.” I was standing 4 effing feet away from my wallet and was simply trying to get my bags into the cart faster to help ease her apparent time constraints. I looked her square in the eye, began to tear up, and said, “It can’t get much than watching my husband die from cancer in front of my eyes each day.” She said, “Oh really, I am sorry,” and she shut up. Gavin looked at me and said, “Mommy, why are you crying? Is it Daddy? Is Daddy going to die while we are at the store? Do we need to get home right now?” I grabbed my receipt, whispered to Gavin that mommy was sorry he had to see her like that, and that Daddy would be fine when we got home and high-tailed it out of there while the cashier compassionately wished me a much better rest of my day.

I felt like an idiot. I trembled the whole way home. I felt like I failed Gavin. I failed myself. I failed Brian. Brian would have reprimanded me if he had seen me behave that way. People are ignorant. We are all selfish and none of us want to be inconvenienced in this day and age. I need to remember that.

I guess my point is that we need to give each other a break. It may be just kind of a crazy, unorganized cat-lady in front of us checking out slowly, but it may be more. It may be someone hurting inside. It may be someone that has a lot on their minds that simply can’t keep their thoughts straight and should have made a better list, but it may be more. It may be that someone forgot something very important and adding 10 minutes onto their grocery trip to wait in line and check out again means 10 less minutes with someone they have limited time with. It may be that little boy in front of you is hiding a fear of losing his daddy behind that big smile and devilish grin. It may be that 5-year-old acting inappropriately for his age is simply trying to figure out how to vent his confusing emotions of pain, fear, anger, sadness and loss and doesn’t know how to do it.

Let’s all give each other some slack.

KEEP BELIEVING