Sean's birthday

Dear Brian,

Today is your brother, Sean's, 42nd birthday. We celebrated yesterday at their house. We gave him a collage of photos of you and your other brother, Michael, and your Guinness tee-shirt and your Boulevard hat. I love seeing bits of you on and in other people. It helps me remember you alive instead of the last few days of your life as you were dying that are currently embedded in my mind.

I was thinking that today I would share a memory of you and Sean. I wasn't around in your life for this memory, but I know it was one of your favorites with Sean. You had so many, but I know this is one of your "golden oldies." You replayed this one many times.

You were driving home from college your freshman year. Your parents had moved away from Pekin to Decatur, but you still had your high school girlfriend, who was a year younger than you in Pekin. Sean and Cheryl lived in Pekin, too, so you were planning on staying with them. On your way home, you had some car trouble outside of Springfield. You had to take your car to a shop run by a couple of local rednecks as it completely stalled out. You called Sean and Cheryl to come aide you. The local tow and mechanic shopped had a couple good old boys working there - one named Delbert. (Sean, I think the name is wrong, so correct me.) Delbert was an interesting looking fellow in his stained mechanic jumpsuit with embroidered nametag, greased up hat with mussed hair showing slightly underneath and a few missing teeth. Delbert was working some good old-fashioned diagnostics on your engine by grabbing a couple of wires simultaneously to see if they were "hot." They were. He jerked, buzzed and sizzled a couple times stating that wasn't the problem. As you and Sean and Cheryl looked on in amused amazement, the other mechanic stated, "Yup, that shocks the shit out of me, but don't seem to mind him none."

Your car was eventually fixed and you had your weekend fun. And we still enjoy reliving the memory.

Happy Birthday, Sean, on behalf of Brian, myself, Gavin and Grant.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,

It is becoming more evident that you are not going to suddenly walk through the door or emerge from the bedroom. Yet, for some reason, I keep looking for you to do exactly that. Why? Why would I keep looking for you? I knew for months this was coming and that you would leave this earth. Why, then, is it so difficult to accept the permanence of your absence?

Why did you have to take your last breath when I was sleeping on the cot next to you instead of in your arms just an hour prior? Often I feel that if I would have felt your last breath then I would better be able to accept your death - that it would feel more real. Is that ridiculous? Would it be any different? Jan, your mom, wonders a bit why she wasn't awake holding your hand for your last breath, too. She thinks it would have been just too painful to witness - that you had to leave with the two women you love most near you, but just not touching you. Is that true? Would it have been too difficult and traumatic for us? Did you leave this world being ever compassionate towards us as you always were?

I can't express how much I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

dreaming

Dear Brian,

You flood my dreams.

The joy of seeing you there makes me long for more sleep.

The pain of waking to you NOT here makes me long for more sleep.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

sea legs

Dear Brian,

The morning you died - March 17th, 2009, Mindi came around 5:15 am. We went to sleep around 6:00 am. As I was lying there with Mindi by my side instead of you, I asked her if she remembered that feeling you get when you have been on a boat all day - that feeling like you are still on the boat even hours after you get off the boat. I laid on my side - I could feel your heart beat. I could feel your breathing. I could feel myself on your chest in the crook of your arm listening to you and breathing you in, moving slightly with the rhythm of each breath. I had laid like that with you sporadically that entire day while your body shut down. I had laid like that with you for years. That was my spot. I told Mindi about the feeling - like when you get off a boat and still feel like you are on a boat. "I feel like I am still laying on his chest," I said, "and I hope that feeling never goes away."

Brian, it is already going away. I don't want my sea legs yet.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Happy Birthday, Angie

To my inspiration, my companion, my teacher, my sister but most of all my BEST FRIEND. Happy Birthday (one day late). You always post about other people, well, since I know your log in now, I am going to post in honor of your birthday.

Angie is a compassionate, strong, wise, intelligent woman. She is a wonderful mother, daughter, aunt, niece, friend and needless to say the most wonderful SISTER anyone could ask for. She is the one that is always willing to help when you need her. She is the one that will tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it. She is the one that I call for any advice I might need. She is funny and has a wonderful sense of humor, as I am sure most of you know.

She has taken so much interest in my family and helped me to be the mother I am today. She was the “sarge” of raising our children but it worked. She taught me how to get our kids to sleep through the night at a very young age and as some might think it is torture, tickling them and taking their clothes off when they are trying to sleep when it should be “awake” time actually does work. Tapping the bottle to make sure they finish every last drop of formula, really does work. Giving them three baths a day to wake them up, really does work.

When deciding when to come to Peoria over the last week, I was torn. I knew I needed to be there for her after the passing of Brian but I also knew she needed me before as well. I just got through telling my brother, Kevin, that no matter what happened, I was heading up on Tuesday after work, because even though she told me she had enough support during the tough times of the last days of Brian’s life, I knew there is nothing like having your sister around and I wanted to be there for her. When she called to tell me that Brian had passed at 1:00 am, I immediately turned to my husband, Matt, and said “I ‘m leaving, she needs me.” I drove 4 hours in the middle of the night because I wanted her to cry in my shoulders and I wanted to change the rolls for once and be her support and be strong for her so she could be weak, but I felt like I could get there fast enough, she needed her sister. It is times like this that I wish we lived closer to each other. I wish we could do more spare of the moment things together but at the same time, love the long weekends we get spend together and stay up until wee hours of the morning, just talking and reminiscing.

Being the younger sister, I am sure there was times that Angie thought why does she have to tag along again, but she never made me feel that way. She always had open arms for me and nurtured me throughout our childhood. She would help me get ready for school, sometimes do my hair or pick out my clothes. She even let me wear some of her clothes. She just cared.

I know she gets does not feel that she is this strong, amazing woman but she is far more than that too. She is powerful and inspiring to so many people, even one’s she has never met. She has this amazing talent of writing that so many can only dream of having (which hopefully, will some day become a book). We do everything together, we laugh, we cry, we smile, we play. Angie is my everything. I love you so much. Happy Birthday.

the first milestone

Dear Brian,


A couple of days has passed since we buried you. I finally feel up to writing something. Please forgive me for waiting. Please forgive me for being sporadic in the future. I have a lot of figuring out to do. I don't know who I am without you. I know that comment would make you mad, but it is true, nonetheless.





Friday was your visitation. Grant woke in the morning and immediately went and dressed in "church clothes." He came out in a polo shirt and nice pants - AND A TIE. You would have laughed. Did you? Can you see us? I have so many questions. Anyway, I told him he looked handsome and didn't need the tie. He said, "I thought I would wear a tie today." So, we got a button up and put his tie on. He looked so handsome.
Do you see how he had to have your cane close by? Anything to hold on to more of you.

We were all so nervous all morning. Then I saw you. I couldn't believe what I saw. You looked 15 years older. It didn't look anything like you. I was mad at first. I just wanted to see you again - one last time. I wanted to hold your hand. You were so cold and your flesh was so hard. It was terrible. It was then that I realized your soul is what made you beautiful. The soul gave your body life. Your soul brought a constant smile to your face. Your soul was gone and your body lied in front of me. It made it easier for me.



However, I think it was harder on our boys. They hadn't seen you since Saturday morning. I still think that was what was best for them because you could not carry on a conversation on Sunday, and on Monday you were in a terrifying state with the seizures before you passed in the wee hours on Tuesday. Still, when they saw you, you didn't look anything like their Daddy. They had a lot of questions about bodies and death, yet they did not appear sad.



Then we drove home for a couple hours before heading back for the official visitation for the public. Grant cried the whole way home stating how he missed you. It melted me. Did you feel the sadness? Is there sadness in heaven? I pray not.



Gavin asked questions all day: "Why can't we see his feet?" "What would happen if we opened his eyes?" "Why is he so cold?" "Where is his blood?" - all the things that are legit questions, but taboo to ask. You would have loved his piqued curiosity at the situation.



Gavin went swimming for the rest of the evening with relatives. Grant stayed in a chair by my side being held by various relatives crying and sleeping the entire evening.



Over 600 people attended the visitation and/or funeral services. Did you see them? Were you proud of who you were and the impact you had on lives? I was. Is pride a sin in heaven? I know the apostle Paul talks about none being able to boast.



The funeral service on Saturday was awesome. The music was amazing. We had the bagpipes you requested. Do you remember when you told me bagpipes would be cool at your funeral? We delivered. He was 83 years old and he didn't quite have enough wind. I personally thought he was flat and awful and it made me laugh inside. I think you would have made some crass comment if you would have heard him.



Michael and Sean, your beloved brothers, gave a heartfelt eulogy. Your best friend, John, also gave a humorous and dead on eulogy. One that compared your life to a game of Euchre. There was lots of Euchre played in your honor this weekend.



Kara played the piano and sang. It was beautiful. She sang I'll Fly Away and I Can Only Imagine. Kara's Dad sang Danny Boy and I'll Walk with God. I don't think there were dry eyes in the place. It was remarkable. The programs - OH MY THE PROGRAMS. They were incredible - beautiful, Irish, some art from the boys, pictures of you, a family picture. Just amazing.

The boys fidgeted and sort of fought during the entire service. They are 6 and 7 and that is exactly normal. Did you hear Gavin trying to explain about why leprechauns are real during the eulogy. I was laughing in my heart knowing that you would giggle at the irony of leprechaun talk during such a beautiful and serious moment.

We buried you a few miles down the road. It is a cemetery that we pass by often. I wanted to be able to visit your grave often. I wanted the boys to have easy access to your grave. There was a light breeze and just a touch of sun. It was lovely.



We had lunch at Northwoods church after. It was so perfect. The caterer had 4 plates remaining after all were served. We guessed. I guess we guessed correctly.



Your parents had a party that afternoon and into the wee hours of the morning. Your Dad called it an Irish Wake. I call it a perfect party. Did you talk with God about the weather? Did you know that well over a hundred people would continue to celebrate you at your parents house? It was supposed to be low 50's and cloudy/rainy. It was just over 60 degrees and wonderfully sunny. Our friends supplied the food. Our family supplied the beer. Your friends and family supplied the fun. It was perfect. It was exactly as you would have wanted it.



We had to celebrate our first milestone today without you. Today is my birthday. I know you know that. The thing is, if you were still on earth, I am not sure you would have known that. I know you would have had help remembering it. I was surrounded this morning for several hours with friends and family for breakfast. Tonight I am going out with girlfriends. We are going someplace where I have no memories with you. I don't think I could bear it. I know you understand.



I miss you, Brian. I love you.



KEEP BELIEVING

Here we go...

Friday morning starts the formalities.

Please pray for me as I see Brian's body on Friday morning.
Pray for my boys as they see the body of their Daddy for the first time since Saturday.
Pray for me - I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety in anticipation of this.
Pray for us - that we remember this time. I know it will be a beautiful representation of the kind of life Brian lived.
Pray for good weather.
Pray for all of us to handle this with the same dignity and grace that Brian displayed his entire life.


KEEP BELIEVING

Brian's obituary

Just wanted to share Brian's obituary with all of you. Things are pretty crazy here getting everything planned and organized. Funerals are like planning weddings without the wardrobe issues in a matter of days without RSVP's. WOW! Luckily, I am surrounded by people who are helping with planning, organizing, singing, orchestrating, feeding, shopping and displaying. It is painfully enjoyable, if that makes sense.

Here is a copy of Brian's obit:http://www.wrightandsalmon.com/index.cfm

Brian's is on the right. You can sign the guest book and post comments there. You can leave private comments there as well if you are uncomfortable with anyone else seeing your words. Please know that I plan on printing out all the comments from yesterday's post, today's post and from the online obituary for the boys and me in the future.

The boys are doing okay. The grief comes in waves for me right now - sometimes it is high tide and sometimes it is low tide. Gavin has not expressed any sorrow yet. Grant cried, actually sobbed uncontrollably, for 45 minutes yesterday. He wanted to get back to Illinois and check on Daddy yesterday. When he arrived, I had to tell him Daddy was gone. While he seemed fine upon hearing the news, within an hour, he was not. There were no words to say. It was just a time to share his tears and hold tightly to him for as long as it took. He spent the afternoon divvying up the contents of Brian's wallet.

Actually, you know what, here is the text of the obituary. Why click again if you don't need to? The obit link will have the photo though. Going through photos makes you realize how often we do not take pictures of those we love with others we love or in places we love. Finding a photo of Brian alone was a painstaking process - or rather, finding one of him alone in which he was not making a silly face was a painstaking process.

DUNLAP-Brian Edward O’Neill, 36, of Dunlap, passed away at 12:45 a.m. on Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at OSF St. Francis Medical Center in Peoria.

Brian was born on November 2, 1972, in Hong Kong, the second of three boys of Ed and Jan (Fennell) O'Neill. After spending the first 5 years of his life in the Far East, Brian spent his entire grade and high school years in Pekin, IL where he graduated from Pekin High School in 1990 as president of his class.

Brian pursued higher education at the University of Missouri at Rolla (now Missouri University of Science and Technology) where he obtained a B.S in Mining Engineering in 1995. He was a member of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity, the Society of Mining Engineers and the social fraternity Theta Tau Omega.

Brian worked for Caterpillar for his entire career as a Marketing Representative. Brian's job took him to Peoria, IL; Chicago, IL; Denver, CO; and Edmonton, Canada.
Brian met his wife, Angie (Baer) O'Neill in college. They married on April 19, 1997 in St. Louis, MO.

He was a devoted and loving father to two of his greatest joys - his sons with Angie, Gavin (7) and Grant (6). He loved to watch them play sports, to take them to movies and to snuggle with them.

Brian's two brothers were another of his greatest sources of joy. He thoroughly enjoyed fishing and playing cards with Sean (Cheryl) O'Neill and Michael (Jennifer) O'Neill.

Brian loved his family - all of them - including his very large extended family and his wife's very large extended family. His grandparents preceded him in death - Leo O'Neill, Loretta (Johnston) O'Neill, Joseph T. Fennell, and Betty (White) Fennell-Breese.

In 1997, Brian began a battle with brain cancer. Brian courageously and valiantly fought the cancer until his dying breath on March 17, 2009.

Brian's impact on the world is immeasurable and his legacy will live on.

Funeral arrangements for Brian are as follows: Visitation: 4-8pm Friday, March 20 Wright and Salmon Mortuary 2416 N. North Street Peoria, IL 61604

Funeral: 10:30 am Saturday, March 21, 2009 with visitation 1 hour prior at Northwoods Community Church 10700 N. Allen Road Peoria, IL 61615

In lieu of flowers, the family has established a fund for the future education and upbringing of their children. Contributions can be made by contacting Jayme Bailey at Baird Financial 309-676-4160 or by visiting http://keepbelievingfund.blogspot.com/.



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