Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I am tired

I find myself so tired lately. So very tired. I have never really felt tired before. I have felt sleepy when I lack sleep, but not overall tired. Writing our Miracle Monday posts has proven to be much more of an undertaking than I realized. It is so difficult to relive those desperate first moments again and again. As trying a time as that was, what I wouldn’t do to have life be as simple as it was then. We didn’t know what was in front of us, but we had hope and Brian was functioning fine. Today, watching him fight for every coherent sentence, for every step with his right foot which should be something no one has to will himself to do, and for every ounce of energy to spend quality time with our family while still trying to work to provide for us makes my heart break in new ways every day. I am sad. Sad all the time. I feel on the verge of tears and so distant from every event and person that needs my immediate attention. Lately, not much can distract my mind from the graveness of our situation. Not weekends away. Not projects. Not blogging. Not girls’ nights out. Almost nothing. More and more as each day passes, I feel as if I am barely holding it together.

And what upsets me the most is this:

If I feel this way, how must Brian be feeling?

KEEP BELIEVING

19 comments:

  1. Oh, Angie. I am so, so sorry. And I often forget that you are only human because you behave with such superhuman ability. Really, how else should you be feeling right now? I wish I could make you feel better. Love you.

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  2. God will send you the needed encouragement that is far beyond any human ability to give. I am not pretending to even have any idea what to say.. I don't know.. but God is God.. He is the same as He was before this started and He promised us everything was going to be okay. I know you believe that.

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  3. Angie,

    I am so sorry for your pain. I wish my words could make a difference for you, or make you feel better. I hope that my prayers can. I know it hasn't been long that I have known (through your blog) you, but rest assured you and Brian have been on my prayer list everday! I really meant that. I am praying/thinking of you.

    Amy

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  4. Ohh sweetie my heart is breaking for you. You have alot on your plate, more than most people. Keep the faith and you will be provided with the strength you need to get through it all. One of my favorite quotes that gives me strength is this

    "He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it"

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  5. Angie,
    It makes me cry to know how sad you are feeling today. For what it's worth.. I think you are pretty cool and amazing girl.

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  6. Angie, I'm sorry you're so down. You're in my thoughts and prayers...seek God's comfort and hold tight.

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  7. Ask him how he's feeling. Let him describe the impossible and hold his hand while he does it. Brian is alive, he is here, he is in front of you. Hug him, pray with him and thank God for him being there with you today because if I remember right, the doctors who are suposed to know everything, said that he would not be here right now. You have been given a precious gift, the gift of time.

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  8. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I think we all forget what a struggle your day to day is because you are always so positive and upbeat.

    Keep praying for strength from God and he will see you through. And keep leaning on your friends for extra love and support!

    And if Miracle Monday is too much for you right now, take a break from it. Please don't feel pressured to do it.

    I will continue to pray for you and Brian and your whole family.

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  9. Angie,

    I can't imagine my friend. I am so sincerely sorry you are sad and tired - it is all understandable. I wish there was something, anything, I could say or do to help you. You are all in our thoughts and prayers. KEEP BELIEVING. I am.

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  10. And if there is ANYTHING I can do - please let me know.

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  11. So sorry things have been hard. But it is amazing how upbeat you are and how you are able to share your story with people. I hope you start to feel better and Brian too.

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  12. Angie, I've started this comment 4 times now, trying to think of some wisdom to impart. Obviously I've failed! But if blogging helps you cope, then keep on goin. We'll keep reading and posting because we love you and we all want to be there for you in whatever way we can. And, if some days you don't think you can do it, my advice is: don't. Take the day off and leave the house a mess. Eat take-out. Let the kids veg out in front of the tv. You don't have to answer to anyone here on earth but yourself (an I'm sure God won't be doing the white-glove test). 20 years from now your kids won't be worse off and your house won't be any cleaner, but you may have some really awesome memories of spending time with Brian and your boys.

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  13. Ooh, sorry I meant to say "if you feel you CAN'T do it..."

    But I guess you can take the day off even if you feel okay too. Who needs an excuse anyway?

    Love you.

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  14. It is an indication of the depth of your love for your husband that your first thought is for him. I'm sure his is for you.

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  15. Angie,
    much, much love to you my sweet sister in Christ. Many prayers are being lifted for you and Brian daily.

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  16. Angie,

    I imagine reliving the first week after Brian's diagnosis would take alot out of you. I know Brian stated you blog to "blow off steam" or "use it as a release valve". The reality is your blog forced you to review one of (if not the most) trying times in your life. That would wear out anyone.
    You can only keep that guard up so long before the human in you reaches out for support. I would imagine that "tired" is an understatement. I am hopeful for great results next week and that you regain some superhuman energy. You have lots of support (u r aware of that, right?), just make sure you reach out and ask... Its that stubborn Perryville work ethic that keeps you from seeking more assistance / support. Just know that you guys are loved by many and if you need anything... anything at all, let us know.

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  17. i wish i could just give you a hug right now! i felt so much pain in your words, you know there will always be a brighter day, but in this moment there is a burden. i lift you up to Him, that you may gain strength in His peace.

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  18. Bless you and Brian. You have done so well. Your writing has been a blessing to so many. You have been a huge source of strength for your family. I don't know how you do it. I wish I could help. I wish there was some way to send you more strength. All I can do is pray for you and hope that is enough...

    You deserve a break to cry. It is OK. But please at least go through the motions of things you enjoy because they may not mean that now, but someday the joy will return and you need to be in the habit of fun no matter what the future holds.

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