So I have this problem, it's called HYPOCRISY

So, I have this problem. It's called complete and total hypocrisy.

Here I finally post yesterday and all I do is whine, whine, whine, cry and complain. When my kids start their days like that, I give them ONE opportunity to turn around their attitude or they will lose a privilege - friend playing, crossing the street (which severely limits their friend-playing options), bike riding, scooter riding, treats, etc. According to my attitude yesterday, I deserve to lose one privilege. I hereby punish myself by taking away my right to make dinner. No wait, I take away my right to clean the toilets. No even worse, I take away my right to file any mail or coupons today.

Seriously, though, my hypocrisy is so thick you could eat it with a fork. Yuck.

Here I whine and complain that my shoes are discontinued, but didn't tell you I found ONE pair left on Ebay for less than $20 with shipping (provided they come as I assume they are going to and not a different line which just happened to me with the trampoline.)

I tell you I assembled the trampoline and the double glider by myself as if that is some punishment on me, but honestly, I stay home and don't currently work. Isn't that part of my current job description? And it isn't as if Brian doesn't WANT to do it. It breaks his heart to watch me do it and that is why he retreats to the basement and watches TV as I do such projects. You see, the hypocrisy doesn't end or start with me sitting here and writing out my complaints. Oh no. As Brian sits over my shoulder and tries to patiently give me advice on how to assemble the furniture or tries to hold something steady for me or tries to hand me the correct part, I snap at him for various stupid reasons that make me blush in humiliation just thinking of them, not the least of which is it simply gets on my nerves to have people stand around and watch me possibly screw up.

Sometimes I even cry to Brian just because I feel "so burdened." Are you kidding me?

This is the guy who is battling one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer known. He has undergone 4 major brain surgeries and several minor brain surgeries in 11 years. He has submitted himself to various forms of radiations. He has had 2 total hip replacements due to avascular necrosis as a result of the high dose of steroids he had to take. He suffers from major sinus issues I am sure that have become exacerbated by the numerous surgeries and chemotherapies he has endured. He lost a large percentage of his right side functions due to his April 2007 surgery. He can't use his right hand much at all. He walks with a significant limp because he has to will his right side to move. He taught himself how to do most everything left handed. He struggles cutting his steak because, come on, you need two hands to cut a good medium rare T-bone, but he often refuses to let me do it for him. He can't speak the same as he used to and is constantly interrupted and his sentences are constantly finished for him. He tolerates chemotherapy every 14 days right now and feels like crap for 6 out of those 14 days. And I CRY THAT I FEEL BURDENED?

I know what you are thinking of me right now and believe me, I think it of myself on a regular basis.
Brian endures all of this, and I am inconvenienced because I have to put together a few more things and pick up the slack on a few more household chores??? What the hell??? Where is my perspective?

I don't write this to get those "don't be so hard on yourself" or those "you are so strong" comments. Seriously. I. DO. NOT. I am human and I am not strong and I take it out on the very person I should be supporting the most.

I write this because I want you to understand the kind of person Brian is. I created this blog originally to notify our family and friends of Brian's condition. I have used it as a platform to chronicle our lives with kids as well. I have also used it as a way to vent my frustrations. I have used it as a soapbox for my opinions. But today, I use it to tell you that my husband, Brian O'Neill, is one of the most amazing individuals you could ever meet.

He endures all that I detail in that paragraph above, but he never complains. He is a thirty-five year old man who has had so much stripped away from him, but he handles it with more optimism, dignity and grace than most do when faced with a bad call at a kids soccer game.

Example: When asked if his speech issues bother him, he replies like this.

Example: Yesterday when begged by his 5-year-old who simply wants his Daddy to play with him, he finds a way to maneuver himself onto that trampoline, get onto his shaky feet (this is hard for him with those right side deficits) and muster the strength in his left hand while willing his right hand to play along to throw that little boy in the air laughing hysterically all the way to his bouncy fall on the mat. I watched that yesterday and marveled at his dignity while feeling so ashamed of my own self-pity.

Example: He has found a way to play catch with his left hand only. He can catch the ball in his right-handed glove (the glove that goes on the left hand) and throw it with the same hand.

Your life, if you could meet this man, would be better because you sat down and had a conversation with him. You would be touched by his empathy. You would laugh at his wit. You would be awed by his optimism. You would marvel at his character. You would take some of it with you and you would make the world a better place because it started with him.

And I think, when I reflect on all of this, that my hypocrisy and my snapping at him and my complaining is more a reflection of my own self-pity at the incomprehensible thought of losing this man from my life. It isn't the extra work that burdens me. It is the constant threat of life without him.

KEEP BELIEVING