Yup.
3/4 year.
9 months.
275 days.
Feels like yesterday.
Feels like an eternity ago.
We've come a long way.
We've barely made a stride.
We've endured many a milestone.
We've a lifetime of milestones remaining.
I have been thinking of Brian a lot these past few weeks. I am sure it is due to the sentiments of this time of year partially. I am sure it is also because I am dating now and one of the first thoughts that crosses my mind when meeting someone new is "Brian would think this guy is a total tool." or "Brian would say, he's a nice enough guy." or "Brian would really like this dude. They could be buddies." (only, by the way, I haven't met anyone that meets that last criterion. I have met some of both the other criteria.) 
I will admit that the last few 17ths came and went without my noticing. This one is glaring at me today. I miss that man like crazy. Once again, because of this time of year. Once again, because I am dating and I realize that I had one really great guy - he was dedicated, loyal, attentive, independent, honest, fun, smart, enjoyable, charming, funny, laid-back, respectable, hard-working, relaxed, witty, spiritual & philosophical. He was a guy's guy. He was a leader. He was a great kisser. He treated me like a lady. He took care of me when he could. He loved me deeply and made sure I knew it.
I miss his gaze. I miss his touch. I miss his humor. I miss his voice. Oh how I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his kisses. I miss his silliness. I miss his presence.
I stare at this screen as I have done so often in the past few months just YEARNING for the words to express how I feel. There are no words to express how I miss him. I hate the word MISS. It doesn't touch how I feel. Yet, there are no words to express how due to his impact in my life, I feel SO EMPOWERED to move on. There are no words to express how I fear the path my boys will take without his direct influence in their lives. Yet, there are no words to express how I know they will be SO fine because of his indirect impact in their lives through family and friends and memories. I just wish I had the words.
275 days.
9 months.
3/4 year.
Feels like an eternity ago.
Feels like yesterday...
KEEP BELIEVING
Thursday, December 17, 2009
9 months
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Thinking of you so much....may God continue to guide you through your journey.
ReplyDeleteGretchen
Thinking of you today - keep putting one foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteAshley
What a man he was. I never met him, but you make me feel as though I had.
ReplyDeleteAngie,
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother just lost her soulmate, they were married 69 years. Watching her say goodbye was one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. Although you didnt have 69 years together, I can see that the depth of your love and "missing him" is just as strong. My prayers for you as you continue through this journey. May you have a blessed Christmas with your boys.
Angie,
ReplyDeleteI know that there are so many emotions going on through your head and heart right now.
I am wondering, though, do you think you can date right now without subconsciously comparing every man you meet to Brian? "Brian would never say that." "Brian would pull my chair out, but this guy didn't." "Brian knows that joke, only he tells it better."
I ask this, not because you aren't smart enough to think for yourself, but because being lonely can interfere with your judgment. And, because, a really wonderful guy may come your way but you might not be ready to see him just for himself, instead you might be looking at him as a "pros vs. cons" comparison to Brian.
I don't know if you feel ready to do that yet. I don't know if you want to do that yet. I've never walked in your shoes, so I don't know if that's even possible for you to do that yet. Only you know. And I'm praying for you that whatever you decide, you feel surrounded by people who love you. No one will ever love you the way Brian did, but we do love you in our own way.
Before any other commenters jump on my ass, just please back off and respect Angie's and my friendship of over 20 years.
Trying not to cry at work. In my opinion, that on this subject has very little experience, you are still right where you should be. You wouldn't have married him if he hadn't been all those things. I think you should compare every guy you date to him. He was worthy of marriage and you probably don't need to be dating anyone that isn't. I think it is great to get out there again. But I don't think you have to get married. I think some people find love again and some don't and both are ok.
ReplyDeleteEveryone who has been happily married looks for the same happiness when they start dating. After the death of DH1 in 1981 I looked for another soul mate. I thought I had found him. Then the marriage with DH2 crumbled and there was a divorce. Again I thought I had found this in DH3. It hasn't made it any easier that within a year of our marriage my mother passed away (1995). The next 10 years with my father were not easy and we parted on uneven terms when he passed away in 2005.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first year in many that I feel like celebrating Christmas. Don't get me wrong. There were years in between that were very good. Just the same this time of year is very difficult for most anyone who has lost a dear love, be it spouse, parent, grandparent or child.
You are doing very well under trying circumstances and I believe that you will continue to do well because you have a belief in God and strong family and friends around you.
We could all give you reams of advice and some would be right for you and some would be wrong for you. The point is that you have to make your choices based on you and Gavin and Grant and the life experiences that all three of you have had. One of the greatest experiences was Brian. He will also be part of your life always. It doesn't go away. The tears will still come at the most embarrassing moment.
Hang in there.
Karen W. in S.W. Ohio
Just know that I am thinking of you Angie. I am sure you do miss him, and can't imagine all that is going on in your head.
ReplyDeletePray and trust God.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers this next week, and the weeks to come.
Angie -
ReplyDeleteEach "first" without Brian is a huge milestone and is very hard. You're 3/4 of the way through most of those "firsts." You are handling things with incredible grace. Thank you for letting me (and others) be a part of that. I have been praying for extra comfort for you and the boys as the holidays approach - sometimes changing things up a little helps. I'm speaking from losing my younger brother and my dad, but certainly I don't have the kind of loss you have. Know that many people love you and continue to pray for you.
Marcie
Wow. You do an amazing job putting into words what is just too huge and too hard to put into words. xo
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put, hon. Your eloquence moves me.
ReplyDeleteAngie - Very heartfelt post. I think about you and the boys often, especially this past month. Awesome pictures, by the way.
ReplyDeleteMy darling Angie,
ReplyDeleteYou are so eloquent--so transparently honest with a wonderful dash of bittersweet humor that keeps our hearts drawn to your blog. I am praying for the blessing of the Presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ, to whisper His comfort to your aching heart. He alone knows your agony. He alone knows your hope mixed with fear. I pray today that your soul would hear His voice loudly over the din of your quiet, persistent grief over Brian's absence, "Angie, I am your salvation." May you realize the depth of all those amazing qualities you love in Brian in our Jesus as He carries you through the valley of tears. You are going from strength to strength. You are suffering well, my dear friend. Thank you for the profound gift of your hope in the midst of your most difficult trial that you have given to all of us through your written words. They are more powerful than you will ever know this side of eternity. Merry Christmas, sweet Angie! Love from Shawn from TN