Friday, November 6, 2009

is this how it is supposed to work?

Dear Brian,

It seems as though people are starting to forget. Ever since September, the phone call, email, random text, letter and card influx inquiring as to how the boys are I are faring has slowly faded to nearly a complete halt. A couple random texts or contacts every other week or so occurs. At first, I was very upset by this. How could people forget you so quickly? How could the fact that your physical presence is no longer with us allow everyone the opportunity to so easily go on with their lives and slowly erase you from their memory?

Lately, though, I have been a bit, actually, a LOT conflicted regarding my own thoughts and you. It seems I am thinking of you less. At first, as is in my nature, I tried to analyze if it was truly less or just differently. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually thinking of you LESS. And I don't even feel that bad about it. Strange?

Sometimes I WANT to think of you more. But lately, it has been occurring to me that continuing to focus on you to the extent that I was focusing on you is living in the past. Brian, you NEVER lived in the past. In fact, when I had a hard time forgiving myself for sins of the past and wallowing in regret, you often would help me snap out of it calling the past exactly what it was - OVER. You did like to playfully and fondly recall past stories as we all do, but you didn't live there.

But calling you my past and calling the past over seems so strange. In the end, though, Brian, you are never coming back to me on this earth. I cannot continue to focus so much of my energy and my emotions into thinking of what WAS. Just as you made it abundantly clear to me that you wanted me to move on with my life someday, I have to start thinking about what MAY BE. And one of the only ways I find to do that is to simply think of you less. The only way I can prepare my heart and mind to open to the possibility of someone else is to simply free some space.

I still think of you and what you would think of this or that decision with the boys.

I still think of you as I try to determine how to let these little boys turn into big kids.

I still think of you when I develop a woeful attitude quickly snapping out of it.

I still think of you when I lie in bed at night.

I still think of you when a certain song comes on the radio.

I still think of you when I look at our bathroom in the basement that you built with only one working arm.

I still think of you a lot, but just not as much.

I think this is how you would want it. I THINK.



  1. Still lurking around your blog, not commenting often since we do not know one another at all. I am still praying for you and your boys. I stand in awe reading your private thoughts and fears. You are handling this (in my opinion) with grace, intregrity and humor. No one hands us a guidebook on how to handle the death of a spouse. You are navigating a very rocky road, blinded, and you are perservering. Thank you for sharing, know there are people out there thinking of you and bless you.


  2. I think this is part of grieving process--necessary for you to go on with your life. I can imagine the conflict, though. You will never forget him and you will always keep his memory alive for the boys, but you are moving on with your life. And what other choice do you have?

  3. You are such an inspiration. I think how often you think of him is the right amount for you. There is no rule for these things. You are so blessed to have your sons and the time you did have with your husband. I love reading your blog!

  4. You're so wise, although you probably would prefer not to have to be wise.

    The past is gone (although it can be grieved or fondly remembered at times), the future can only be planned, but now is what we have.

    If the situation were reversed, you'd want Brian to grieve your loss and life his life. He wants the same for you. He told you so.


  5. i think you are doing exactly what he would want. God bless you, angie!

  6. I THINK this is exactly what Brian would want as well.

    Still thinking of you often!

  7. I rarely comment, as I feel like I am intruding or something. Yes, I know it's a public blog but still want to give you your space.

    My dad died two years ago, and yesterday my mom said "Dad loved a good story" and then she started to feel bad about saying that.

    She said she should have said "Dad loves a good story" instead of talking about him in the past tense.

    So we talked about it, and the fact that he is gone, and even though we know he is alive in heaven, he is still gone from this earth.

    Just because my mom is being realistic doesn't mean that she is dishonoring my father, in my opinion. But she still felt weird talking about him in the past tense.

    The hard part is watching people get on with their lives much quicker than you feel that you can.

    I think that each person has their own timeline and grieving is a different process for everyone.

    I think it is healthy to continue to live in the present and look forward to the future. If we keep looking backward we'll miss what's ahead.

  8. It does sound like all part of the grieving process. How lovely that Brian was so clear about his feelings, and that you would know them now. I believe he is guiding you here, even on the path to not thinking about him as much. Sending love & hugs, Angie.

  9. Beautifully worded & well-written.
    My BFF died of leukemia in Feb '06. Her husband is getting remarried. At first, I was a little stunned but then it hit me. It's been nearly 4 years. He SHOULD move on. Lisa NEVERRRRR wanted him to remain single. She didn't want her kids to have no mom. The only way for them to move on in life is for this to happen. It's healthy, it's good. And I'm happy for him. But yes, it's hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it?

  10. What all those people up there said...

  11. I think you think well.

  12. Sometimes it's hard to know how to feel, what to act, or what to do.

    I totally agree with calling Shawn part of my past. How can he be when he is still so much with me? But yet he isn't here.

    All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.

    Talk to you soon

  13. Brian, I think of you, Angie and your boys multiple times EACH day...


  14. Dear Brian,
    I am sure that you are so proud of Angie and how she and the boys are handling their day to day life and their grief. They are depending on the Word of our Lord and learning to remember you with love and strength. They are a living tribute to you and everything that you stood for. I believe that you are applauding and praising them every moment of every day.
    Your sister in Christ, Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

  15. True, the past is the past. And it is what has shaped you and the boys into who you are today. That includes Brian!

    Love you,

  16. I know it's been forever in a day since I last commented here, but I just wanted you to know that I still think of you and your family. I keep believing because of you!