Sunday, August 30, 2009

The question I know you all want to ask….

What are Angie and boys going to do now?

I know you want to know. Wanna know HOW I know you want to know? Cuz many people, even barely acquaintances actually have enough gumption to ask me. Others just casually feel me out with indirect questions. Others that know me well expect I just may growl at you if you ask me that.

And I know included in the "What are Angie and the boys gonna do now” question are things like – Employment for Angie – when and how much? Location? House? Can they afford their lifestyle? Benefits? Etc.

And here’s the answer. I DO NOT KNOW.

And it sucks getting asked because I feel like I should know. It isn’t as if Brian’s death was a huge surprise. It isn’t as if I am not logical and intelligent and can’t figure things out.

In fact, I think sometimes my predisposition to over-analyze and logically think through EVERY SINGLE DECISION IN MY LIFE, including what color to paint a bathroom that can easily be repainted, is what is preventing me from knowing exactly what to do from here.

First thing first, though, is that I am exactly identifying my financial status. Since Brian’s death, we have received AMAZING generosity from friends and family. In March, we took a voluntary separation package from Caterpillar that has allowed me to have this time to think things through and figure things out. That being said, Brian and I have always lived within our means, practically and frugally on a budget that had us giving our tithe to church/charity, saving for our future and college and splurging on a few unnecessaries. So, we have no debt except our mortgage putting the boys and me in a better position. I have no doubt that it is our obedience to God’s biblical financial rules yielding this reward today.

However, we cannot go on forever like this. It is just a matter of figuring out exactly how much investment income we can generate in addition to our social security survivor benefits. There will be a shortfall with those two combined, and that will determine when and how much I will have to work. When the boys turn 18, the social security survivor benefit will expire completely and I, then, will have to solely support myself on my income.

There are several factors with determining employment for myself. First of all, I do not feel that I would be a good employee at this exact moment in time during this season in my life. I am easily distracted, have a lack of attention span and cry at the oddest times. So, I want to take a bit more time and give myself time to grieve and come to terms with whatever the heck our new normal is. Once I determine how much of my life is spent doing things for the kids that cannot easily be delegated or requested of friends like homework and quality time and the support they need from immediate family, I can better determine how much I am WILLING to work. However, if finances dictate that the amount I NEED to work exceeds the amount I am WILLING to work, the NEED will outweigh the latter and we will figure out the rest. I do not think we will be forced into that situation, though, barring another market crash.

Additionally, in order to give my boys stability and support, my goal is to work enough for this first couple of years to basically just get by without saving much for MY future. I will always save for college. It was one of my and Brian’s biggest goals to give to our children what our parents gave to us, and that is a college graduation that is debt free. I feel I would be dishonoring Brian to not strive for that. However, once again, if our finances did not allow for it without a huge compromise to our lifestyle and our emotional well-being, I know it would be MORE dishonoring to Brian to compromise OURSELVES for a debt-free college graduation.

There are many factors to consider when contemplating my future employment, not the least of which is the obvious – WHAT would it be. Should I do something related to my experience in accounting, business management and finance? Should I take a less demanding job because we don’t need the money at the risk of getting farther away from my experience and a well-paying job when I DO need to go back to work with a higher paying job when the boys finish high school? Do I just start all over now that I am older and wiser? I just don’t know. I trust that God will provide answers through the right opportunities.

When considering employment, I realize that full-time work would take me away from my boys a considerable amount in a time when they need a lot of direct involvement. They aren’t really capable of doing self-directed, independent homework and won’t be for a few more years. Their homework is family homework and they both need me now to help with this. They want to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities and to add single-parenthood, full-time employment on top of basic school would almost wipe this away. I just don't know how I would swing it all for them and for myself BY MYSELF. I also realize part-time work that meets our financial needs may not be possible. I am not naïve.

Other factors to consider are when and WHERE?

Obviously, the most glaring question many people have is WHERE IS ANGIE GOING TO LIVE WITH THE BOYS? The answer once again, is I DON’T KNOW. For now, we are staying put. I have no intention of going anywhere this school year unless we felt remarkably led by God to do so. I want to give the boys and myself time to figure out life here without Brian. Figure out things like where do I want my boys to call home? Right now they know little other than Central Illinois as home. Figure out things like where can we afford? Figure out things like where do we have the best support system? And that changes daily. It changes as our support system of family and friends have their own changing commitments and lifestyles. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa are around for a ton of help and sometimes they want to travel. And we want them to. They need to. We don’t want anyone to feel like they are tied here solely because of us. And sometimes friends can help with rides and time with the kids, but then it changes when their own sports, work and extra activities take their time. And that is to be expected because once again, we don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t do their own thing because of us. HOWEVER, if full-time employment is what was necessary for us, I would have to go where I had the best support system and I felt the most comfortable knowing that my kids would be in the care of family and friends A LOT. I, honestly, do not know where that is right now. I am taking this year to figure this all out.

It is no secret that I have no family in Illinois at all. My closest family members are 3 hours away and those are extended family members. CLOSE-KNIT extended family members, but my immediate family is 4 hours away. However, Brian’s family is within a few miles of us, and he has many extended family members also within a few miles of us. But, will this relationship change as things unfold in our lives? I like to think it wouldn’t, but I have witnessed too many examples being on the biological side of a relative's death to know this may be naïve thinking. I know it will take a lot of effort on both our sides to ensure a healthy relationship that allows both sides the graces they need to grieve, live and cope.

Additionally, moving right now to a comfortable support zone of MY family would force me to solely rely on family and very old friends in a place where I have never lived on my own. It would be in a town like St. Louis where I have not lived since I graduated from college, let alone as a parent. Or, if I opted to be closer to my sister and mom, it would put me in a small town environment that I have never been a part of, losing all of the individuality of the friends and connections I have made in Illinois. I would partially be starting all over, all the while determining WHERE to live, WHAT works best for us, not knowing how much support I truly need and IF we can do it here. And you know what? I have great friends here. The best and closest friends I have ever had in my life. I feel connected to them and I feel connected at my church. Starting all that over right now is not overly appealing.

And, to top all this off, I know that the support I need today will differ from the support I need in a few years. The boys’ activities will get more demanding later, but rides MAY be easier to arrange as they age and don’t need parental supervision at Scouts or practices, or it may get more difficult depending on their interests. I don’t know. Also, their homework will become more independent. I will be able to grocery shop or run a few errands without having them in tow in just 3-4 years when they can start staying alone for an hour or two at a time. And that will only increase from then on. Gavin will be in middle school in less than 4 years’ time. AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So, as you can see, YES, I am constantly thinking this through. I have a lot of decisions to make and for right now, just the day-to-day decisions of what to have for dinner are difficult enough to make while we heavily grieve for Brian. Then I have larger, but immediate decisions to make like benefits coverage as our COBRA amount quadruples next month. And how long do the boys stay in counseling now that we have to start paying privately? And I still don’t know for sure what color to paint my bathroom.

And then there is the guilt for knowing that I DO have a college education and am perfectly suited to work a well-paying, full-time job but just not wanting to do it right now because I know it would not be what is best for my kids and me emotionally, but would really make some decisions easier and make saving for college and benefits a no-brainer. (All that experience and education, yet still ridiculous run-on sentences) So, don’t even get me started on feeling under the microscope knowing that my closest friends and family (especially my parents who gifted me with that education) have to be thinking – “Why the heck is she doing this when she is educated and employable?” And I realize that most of the guilt is probably self-inflicted. This is what I do to myself.

But my motto for the last few months and for the next couple will continue to be - "NO BIG CHANGES FOR A YEAR". Different seasons and events unfold different challenges and perspectives.

For future reference, to anyone who is dying to know what someone who is handling a large life-change like a divorce, a death or job loss is going to do from here, DON’T ASK. I know it is well-intended, but I can tell you if they want to talk about it, they will. THEIR THOUGHTS ARE CONSUMED WITH IT ANYWAY. And they don’t want to be in their position of HAVING to think about it at all. (And also to let you know that 12 months ago, I also would have asked anyone that was going through this the SAME questions.) Rather, just say to that person “I know you have a lot of decisions and very difficult choices ahead of you. I will pray for you as you think things through. But, please take the time you need to make informed decisions and if you want to talk things through, I’m here to listen. (Although they will always be willing to talk if you want to tell them about that great part-time, work-from-home, $50,000/year job you have been dying give to them.)” And then – PRAY FOR THAT PERSON AND THEIR DECISIONS.

You can start with me.

KEEP BELIEVING

*edited to add* I didn't write this post to make anyone feel bad for asking me what we are going to do next or for wondering what we are going to do next. I wrote the post so you can have a glimpse into the hundreds of "If- Then's" that enter my mind daily, and to let you know where I am with the decision making. Because honestly? If you haven't walked a few steps in these shoes of mine (and my size 5 wides would not fit many of you, and I pray they never do - literally and metaphorically speaking), you simply wouldn't know how many factors and variables there are to complicate even the slightest decision. Like the fact that I suck at painting, so choosing the wrong color means more work for the friends and family that help me. And that every BIG decision I make right now will greatly impact THREE of us. My children are my first priority in all decisions right now.

33 comments:

  1. You have a great motto--no big changes for a year. You are doing the right thing by taking this time to come to terms with grief. My prayers are with you. I know that the Lord will gradually lead you and open doors for you when the time is right.

    I believe that your children need you to be fully involved in their lives. Since you have been so blessed to have the time with them that you need, take that time with no guilt. I pray that you will be able to continue to be at home with them (more important than counseling, I think). You are their rock.

    I feel prompted to ask you if you have ever considered writing a book. You have a way with words (don't worry about run-on sentences--you can always edit them out later :-). You have a lot to share and there are many people who could use the hope and the pressing-forward courage that oozes out of your writing. Maybe you can't face that prospect now, but do keep it in mind.

    In the meantime, may the Lord bless and keep you and your boys.

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  2. You are progressing at a pace that you are comfortable with. Let no one tell you to do otherwise. Losing a spouse is hard even if one knows it was coming.

    I read your blog often and am very impressed with how you "seem" to be handling everything. I actually think of you often when I think I am having a bad day. Thinking of your situation reminds me that I should be thankful for what I have.

    My thoughts are with you, do not feel as if you have to be strong everyday, you deserve to break down once an awhile.

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  3. Wow, I'm ashamed to say that I never even thought about the overwhelming amount of change you are facing. Again, wow!

    I think you are smart to wait, wait for direction. So many of us don't and then we find ourselves praying for God's help to get us out of the mess. It's against our nature's, it's against the on-the-go timing of the world, but so what.

    And you know what. You're probably going to make mistakes and that's okay. Decisions don't have to be forever, like the paint for instance. Give yourself permission to make a mistake! You should see the awful green color in my living room, BIG MISTAKE, but I learned something from it and I won't do that again.

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  4. You don't owe anyone an explaination. This is your personal business. Shame on the people who have the nerve to ask you! If they were walking a mile in your shoes, I'm sure they wouldn't want to be asked prying questions either.

    Hugs to you and your boys!

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  5. You will do what you feel is right and there is no need to explain yourself to anyone.

    As to feeling guilty that you don't work full-time to put away money for the boys' college it is fair to consider that you going to work full-time when you don't feel it's right for the boys might lead to a path where they don't go to college for reasons that are not financial. You know yourself and your boys and what you need to do for them.

    My friend has been confronting this same issue though since her daughter is 15 the pressure is even greater for her to work outside the home. She doesn't feel that's right for her and her daughter at this time. And that is completely valid.

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  6. Angie,
    I am so sorry that you are feeling such pressure! Please know that we are praying for you and the boys and I know that God will lead you down the path he has planned for you.

    Love you and hope to see you soon!!!
    Jenny

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  7. You are a beautiful, thoghtful woman.


    ugh. I know. Good intentions.

    Some of the best advice I ever heard: When grief is new, words should be few.

    I had a lot of anger over instrusive people / questions. It took me years to let that anger go. I guess it served a purpose in my grief, though.

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  8. Praying for you as you deal with all of this!

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  9. Praying for you and your boys and that God will show Himself clearly as you make these hard decisions!

    Hugs!
    Leigh Ann

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  10. I just keep you all on my prayer list...God is there working for you.

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  11. Angie, ONE STEP AT A TIME GOD WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH IN THE DIRECTION HE WANTS YOU TO GO.

    Will continue to pray for you and the boys, that you might feel God's presence very closely.

    HUGS!

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  12. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path!!!
    Rhonda

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  13. Well dang, I had a question for you, but now I am kind of afraid to ask...

    One day at a time Angie. You'll get there.

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  14. Angie, You go girl!! I was so there and the realization that you are the only one in your shoes really hit home with me about 4 months after Jeff's death. I was not prepared for all the whats?? of my new life even though I felt somewhat prepared for his death. Just know that it WILL work out and you will have a peace about it. Take this time to grieve and be there for your boys and just take it a day at a time as you are doing. I too was very settled into my husband's hometown city with his family and 10 years later we are still very close, I am remarried and they treat my husband as their son in law and brother in law and are so thankful for him in his role with their grandchildren. God does move mountains and cares about every aspect of your new life, every little decision you make even what color to paint your bathroom, which I hope you have picked a color by now:) Take care and hang in there and know that I continue to think of you so very often and pray for your family.

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  15. Sending Hugs your way. I continue to pray for you and the boys. Just remember to let God walk the mile with you!!!

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  16. Hi Angie-
    Still continuing to lift you and the boys in prayer. I really enjoyed your blog and feel very defensive FOR you! Just tell all of those people to kiss your behind and leave you alone!! How dare they---although I know the questions are well intentioned. Still....
    You're handling all of this so well. I certainly admire your faith and know that is what is sustaining you 99% of the time. Hang in there----there's no rush and you're still employed with the most important job of all...A MOM.
    Sugar in New Orleans

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  17. I hear you. I'm trying to decide what to do with my life/employment right now too and I've got nothing like what you've gone/going through happening. It's a lot of tough decisions - I'll pray for you. Just remember to be kind to yourself, okay?

    Oh, and if it makes you feel any better I have no idea what colour to paint my bathroom either.

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  18. ...pssst. Angie, go for a gray-blue in the bathroom. It's so calming.

    ;-)

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  19. You and the boys are in my prayers. I love your honest approach. One day at a time, one day at a time.

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  20. Good motto! And I can't believe your feet are even smaller than my 5 1/2's!

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  21. Angie,
    I know you have a lot of decisions and very difficult choices ahead of you. I will pray for you as you think things through. But, please take the time you need to make informed decisions and if you want to talk things through, I’m here to listen.

    I love you!
    Kara

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  22. Ang,

    I so wish you didn't have to deal with all of this! You brought up so many things that I take from granted each and every day. Things that I know you would love to have help with.

    That said, I would be happy to help with the painting in the bedroom. I'm pretty good at it and it's just paint so don't be afraid of it! It can always be changed if you hate it and it wouldn't bother me a bit to have to paint it more than once ;} Let me know sweetie - Hugs!

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  23. You are doing EXACTLY what you should be right now...taking time and putting your boys first. You are a very wise and compassionate mom, and whatever diecsions you make will be what works for you three. I'm here for anything...and am always praying for you and your cuties. We love you!
    Kris

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  24. Angie,

    The best advice I received when I was widowed in 1981 is to make no life changing decisions during the first 12 months. I almost didn't follow this advice, but circumstances and God made it so that I had to follow it.

    In hind sight it was the best advice I received. I made no decisions until after that 12 months and my head was wiser than my heart.

    God bless and keep letting us know where you are in your walk.

    Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

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  25. Keep doing what you're doing and putting those size 5's right in front of the other every day - and know that you are loved.

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  26. I'm with so many of the other commenters. It's no one else's business...and it sounds like you're handling things perfectly! Take your time. Your motto sounds very smart!

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  27. Those decisions are not easy - you are so good at thinking things through and over time you will know what is right. God has a good way of making sure we are taken care, just listen for his guidance. Praying for you!
    Gretchen

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  28. It isn't that you don't know what you're going to do in the future, it's that you are in the process of doing what you need to do right now.

    XOXO

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  29. Angie,

    Boys with a firm foundation and the support of a loving mother helping with all that homework will probably get scholarships anyway! :) Seriously...you seem to be taking a common-sense, thoughtful approach to a most difficult season of life, and I can't help but think it will lead to things working out for the best, and you will have the confidence of knowing you did not rush into any decisions risking the outcomes. Our society tries to rush everything, and unfortunately, grief just can't be.

    I like to do as I am told, so my prayers are with all of you daily!
    Linda in GA

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  30. Angie, still praying for you. Love your motto but hate that you ever had to make it as I'm sure you and the boys are even more so :(

    Things will work out in God's time, they always do and in the meantime take the time to grieve and help your boys grieve. You're a remarkable mother and wife and Brian is looking down on you beaming with pride.

    Lots of Love from Canada,
    Jessica

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  31. Hey Angie,

    I still check in from time to time, to see how you're doing. You know, there is no "one size fits all" for experiencing grief. Some need to take a step back and assess where they are going, while others (like me) need to to just keep busy. Don't let the pressure of well meaning folks let you do anything other than what you know in your heart is best for you and the boys.

    What many don't understand is that dealing so long with an illness gave you drive and purpose. Beyond the grief, having it end, is like having the rug pulled out from under you... it is hard to change direction!

    Just because you trained for engineering for many years, doesn't mean that career fits your life any more. As you know, life is too short to settle for mediocrity! If and when you go back to work...find something that inspires you. After 16 years of engineering... and 3 years after Zach's death, I am walking away from the industry to become a nurse (I figure I have enough experience)!

    You guy's are still in my prayers.

    Kim V.

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  32. I think the "no big changes for a year" decision is full of wisdom. I know you have a lot to decide over the next year. I hope you can draw strength from your family, close friends, and friends here in the blogging community.

    Sending love & prayers your way.

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  33. I cannot imagine how you deal with all of that. I think taking a year and not making any big decisions about moving/jobs is a great idea. Because right now, your sole job is to focus on you and your boys. That's most important. Praying for you guys every day :)

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