Sunday, September 13, 2009

desktop prisoner

Dear Brian,

When you were alive, I found more time and energy and creativity to update this blog. Strange how that worked. When you were alive, the pace was slow, laid-back, relaxed. Life was about spending time with you - enjoying your presence, squeezing out every last bit of BRIAN enjoyment we could muster. Now things have changed. School has started. The boys are in some activities. Soccer starts this week. Homework dominates every weekday afternoon. While all these events were occurring last year, something still felt simpler and slower about life in general. Maybe it was simply the presence of YOU.

There was something about being on this computer (now 5 years old), that was an escape for me. We do not own a laptop, so when I would blog or come do my research or keep our home finances up to date on this desktop, it was an excuse for me to get away from the pain of watching you die. It was also a chance for me to give you one-on-one time with others. It was also, all too often, a distraction keeping me from spending time with you. We spoke often of getting a laptop. We thought maybe I could still do all my screen-time hobbies, yet go downstairs and watch some DVR'd CSI or 30 Rock with you. I am so thankful that God did not have us buy that laptop. If I would have had a laptop, I would have been constantly distracted when I was in your presence. As you know, it doesn't take a lot for that to happen anyway. When I was with you, this computer was in another room, so it was just YOU AND I or just OUR FAMILY time when we were together. Little distraction. For that, I am grateful.

But, the mood is changing. The evenings can be lonely once the kids are in bed. And I find myself not enjoying spending time in this room chained to this desktop to continue the same activities that so recently brought me enjoyment. So, this weekend, we are having a garage sale. Whatever proceeds I earn from this endeavor will officially go towards a laptop. It is time. Yet, even this small step feels like I am dishonoring you for some reason.

On the bright side, the boys will be so happy that they get some computer time. Mommy is not a very good sharer.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. I hope you get your laptop. All these changes are so hard, but your grace shines through in your words.

  2. I am glad you were able to spend that time with him. Thinking of you as you make this change.

  3. I hope you get your laptop. And like you, I'm glad you didn't have it before. Bless you, sweetheart.


  4. Hope the garage sale went well...hope you get a laptop and enjoy it!

  5. Angie,
    You are moving through your grief with grace and courage. You see the past and the future with the love of God and Brian in your heart.

    It is so warming to share this time of growth, spirituality and peace with your. You are taking "baby steps" with a clarity that will be an example for all you read your blog.

    Bless and keep you all safe in the arms of our Lord.

    Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

  6. Angie~

    I had a 'similiar' experience a few days ago. I don't know if you read my post called "Unexpected Guilt" but the other day the pain of guilt smacked me in my face. I was cleaning my room and noticed I had a ton of movies just sitting on the floor because there wasn't enough room on the shelf. I then decided to remove some of movies and CD's off of the shelf and out them in a box. I knew I had to do this to make room for the new stuff I have gotten over the last year, but at the same time I too felt like I was dishonoring Shawn as well.

    Please know that I think about you and your boys often. If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to send me an email.

  7. I feel oddly erotic about my laptop, so it sort of serves a dual purpose. :-)