Sunday, August 16, 2009

The truth about why I'm not blogging

The simple, hard truth about why I don't blog these days is this:

When I'm not artificially busy with traveling with the kids and doing kid activities, when the home improvement projects come to an end, when I find the time to have downtime, the fog creeps in.

The fog of loneliness and sadness. The fog of knowing I have to figure out what to do next. The fog of anxiety over what lies ahead - shorter days, more darkness, colder weather. The fog of routine and a new normal that I don't want, that none of us deserve. The fog of the reality from which we have been successfully running all summer.

And starting with school this week, so ends my ability to keep running. The race may continue, but the slowly pacing grief is gaining on me. I know it is a very small matter of time before grief has completely caught up and we run this race side by side.

It scares me.

KEEP BELIEVING

28 comments:

  1. Please know that you don't run this race without at least people cheering you on...praying that you have the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I know none of us can take this burden from you of your new and unwanted reality, but we want to atleast ease this transition of life moving on for you as much as we can. This totally sucks...it isn't normal and it isn't fair...but I just want to make it better for you, and I know I can't...but I want to.

    LOVE,
    Kris

    P.S. The blog must have fixed it's errors...I could actually read all your posts without being kicked off : )

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  2. Oh, Angie. I don't think you will outrun grief, but I hope you kick its butt in the race.

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  3. I offer nothing of wisdom..nothing..and it kills me.. but I hope when it catches up you are able to sort through all of it.. thinking of you always..

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  4. I have nothing to offer except my prayers, and the acknowledgement that this absolutely sucks. I am so sorry that this is your new normal, a normal no one would ever ask for.

    I want to be one of the balcony people in your life cheering you on as you run this race. I do believe you will come out ahead of grief eventually.

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  5. Thinking of you, Angie. Praying, too.

    XOXO

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  6. I am going to quote... FInding Nemo...
    just keep swimming, just keep swimming

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  7. There is no timeline for grief. No handbook.
    As an engineer, you might find that troublesome.
    But as a woman and mother, you might find it comforting.
    You will survive, and eventually thrive.
    One day at a time, my love.

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  8. Fog seems like a very appropriate term. I look at three smiling faces on your pic from Dec 2007 and I pray you will have those genuine smiles again. Stopping running, lean into your grief, eventually it will move on and so will you. I know your scared. But God says to "take courage" so do it. Take God's courage, He'll lend it to you.

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  9. We're here for you if you ever need us. While I can't make the fog go away, I may be able to push a little to the side for a few rays of light to sneak in. Even if only for a little while.

    You have my number if you ever need to call.

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  10. I've never known they kind of grief that you are racing with. So I have no answer, no advice. Just know there is someone out there whom you have never met, never talked to, couldn't even imagine, that thinks of you and your kids and hopes that one day you can find happiness again.

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  11. Just keep going on, hold onto those boys and just keep moving....one step at a time.

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  12. I have nothing to offer you in advice except to keep on praying and I know I will continue praying for you and the boys too. Hugs to you all from Canada.

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  13. I have been reading your blog for about a year now, not often commenting because I know my words can't heal your pain, however I know someone who is about your age, is going through the same exact emotions you are going through, very similar circumstances, coming up on the first anniversary of her husband's death. I have given her your blog address, I think the two of you would have alot to offer each other in the way of conversations with someone who truly knows what you're dealing with. She is a wondeful person, your personalities are similar as are your backgrounds.. her name is Kelly C. and I hope she has the courage to contact you. You are in my thoughts - Karen M.

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  14. Maybe you need to stop running..and some day the grief will run on by. I hate what you are going through. I can't imagine how hard it is to face your loss every day. Praying extra for you and your boys.

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  15. Angie,
    Grief has a pattern. Because you have been so busy and putting life ahead of grief you have put off some of the processes that must be gone through. As your pace of activities with the boys gives you more time for grief it will also give you more time with our Lord. Take your grief and heartbreak to Him and he will help you deal with everything.
    Your sister in Christ, Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

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  16. One foot in front of the other Angie...allow us to be on your sidelines cheering you on and encouraging you through this race. You are prayed for and loved by so many...stay the course and you will WIN.

    Ashley

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  17. Praying for you.
    Tressa

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  18. you can have mine!

    (ironically, totally inappropriate. yes?)

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  19. We will be here when the fog catches up. Sending hugs to you, Angie.

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  20. Small steps my friend, just take it one minute at a time. Thoughts, hugs and prayers too.

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  21. Still praying for all of you. Always. Keep posting your thoughts and prayer requests. Love, Karye

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  22. I continue to pray for you. One day at a time. I too can't fathom what you are going through. I can only pray that with each day there is new hope. (((((HUGS))))

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  23. Ah Angie, I googled Fog..
    Fog: a suspended tiny water droplets or ice crystals in an air layer next to the Earth's surface that reduces the visibility to 1000 m (3250 ft.) or lower.
    Two things that help displace fog, is wind, and sunshine. God is the "Light or Sunshine", and can blow the fog away too. I'm praying for you, and that your weather becomes clear for you again. Lis.

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  24. Teri (Laurentius) MooneyAugust 20, 2009

    Angie:

    Grief is a process...a painful process, but be expentant of God in these dark times. Hold on to the promises in scripture and BELIEVE them. There were some very low and lonely times where I had to cry out to the Lord and I literally "demanded" Him to wrap His loving arms around me, just so that I could breathe. His peace came, just like he promised. He has plans for your life, Angie, and plans for your future. Keep you eyes on the Prize, which is Jesus and KEEP BELIEVING that He will do what He says that He will do.

    I said it before, and I'll continue saying it...when you don't feel like being strong any longer, that is when you lean hard on people in your life, as well as, the Lord.

    Big Hugs!

    Love,

    Teri

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  25. It may outrun you, whatever "it" is for you, but you will gain on "it" again, Bossy is certain.

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  26. Light houses and fog horns are instruments to guide ships lost in the fog. Those ships are not wandering aimlessly; they are headed for some destination. If we human beings are lost in the fog on our journey, we, too, must look for the light and listen for the horn. Continue the journey, Angie. Look for the light and listen for the horn. So many of us are here to help you, but God is ever-ready. He said that He would never leave us nor forsake us. GDLVSU and so do I. Jane

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  27. Angie:

    God will make a way. Jesus will light your path. Always know you and the boys are on the minds and in the prayers of your friends in the blogging world. Take time for yourself and we will all Keep Believing

    Peace
    Paul

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  28. ugh. ugh. ugh. That is about the brilliance I have to share other than I keep believing that putting one foot in front of the other will help...although running just seems like overachieving to me.

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