Monday, July 20, 2009

forgive me/update

To all the readers who are still sticking around:

I am sorry. I am sorry for not posting. I am sorry for not reading. I am sorry for not communicating.

I am suffering from a severe lack of attention span. I have always been a bit scatter-brained, but this summer it has escalated to new levels. I am not seeing a therapist or counselor right now, so I don't know if this is a normal issue or not when in the grieving process. I plan to start seeing someone when school starts. I have the boys both seeing someone, and arranging even more appointments and babysitters seems overwhelming to me right now. Not to mention that so far this summer, I have forgotten about an appointment or plans with friends and overbooked ourselves, on average, about once a week.

So, to make things kind of short. Our vacation week away in St. Louis, Lake of the Ozarks, and Kansas City was fantastic. We had a great time less the camera situation. The camera fell into the Lake of the Ozarks as we were ready to board the boat the first day. It was 100% and completely my fault as the bag was not zipped all the way. The heavy telescopic lens was on the DSLR Canon EOS and caused the bag to unzip all the way when I threw the bag over my shoulder. Every piece in the camera bag including the Camcorder fell into 15 feet of murky lake water. The camera is unsalvageable ( which spell check doesn't recognize, so I must have invented the word, but it makes sense to me), but the memory card is fine. The Camcorder is also unsalvageable, but after many attempts, I found the guy in Peoria that can recover the data if the data can be recovered. It is a hard drive Camcorder and has about 1-1/2 years of data that I have not downloaded or burned to DVD's. So the last year of Brian's life is on the hard drive. I am praying that the hard drive can be salvaged and the data is recoverable. We will see.

Other than that, our days have been filled with morning trips to the gym I am now a member of. Our afternoons have been filled with trips to the park, McDonald's, friends houses, the pool, a local lake beach, errands, and some QT at home. We are having a good summer, but the fighting between the boys is sometimes out of hand. I really miss having that extra set of hands and that extra voice to help level things out.

My meltdowns have decreased. I cry less. The boys seem less overall sad and angry. Gavin has stopped trying to convince me that Jesus COULD bring Daddy back. We talk about Brian a lot. We talk about our memories. We talk about when we really miss him. We talk about things that remind us of him. We all still have our major issues, but the grieving process is coming along. Which is bittersweet. Part of me doesn't want life to get easier. It is strange.

That is all I am writing for now. Forgive my lack of creativity and my direct, boring update. Just wanted to let everyone know a general "how we are doing." Many have asked.



  1. AnonymousJuly 20, 2009

    thank you for thinking about us, your cheerleaders along the sideline. We are here for you, if you write or not, we won't forget you and the boys.

    Sounds like you are right on track, many things happening during Summer vacation with 2 boys,pretty normal to forget an appointment.

    Each moment is special,continue to fill you heart with them. Love you Marjo

  2. Thank you for the update. I still check on you at least once a day. Having been widowed myself I understand that the brain has hiccups and appointments are missed. Don't put too much of a burden on yourself. As you said it is a process and everyone handles it differently.

    You sound like you are doing all the things that your sons need to get through the daily summer fun. Come September when the routine of school starts you will have additional processes to go through. I have no doubt that you will be successful all the way.

    Your sister in Christ, Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

  3. I'm sorry about your camera and I hope the hard drive can be recovered. It would be a shame to lose those images of your loving husband and their father.
    (I'm a photography junkie so that is the part of this post I relate to most. I don't have a family - so my compassion is greater than my understanding!)
    Hope insurance covers the cameras.

    Hang in ther!

  4. Scatterbrain is absolutely a side effect of grieving. It will be with you for a while.

    If you can manage to make sure the boys have all that fun and all their needs fulfilled you are doing amazingly well in my book.

    Thanks for keeping us posted.

  5. I can imagine the feeling of not wanting things to get easier. My mom always told me about how after my sister died my mom didn't want to laugh. It made her feel guilty. Like she shouldn't want to laugh ever again.

    It sounds to me like everything is going just as it should, and you are doing all the right things. For your boys and for you.

    Continued prayers for you, your boys, and the rest of your family.

  6. I truely hope the camera hard drive is salvagable, so the you have those memories yet too.

    I think of you and the boys often, and pray for you for strength as you go thru this grieving process.

  7. Thanks for the update, glad to know you are doing okay. I have never prayed for a hard drive but I will now, I would hate to have you lose all that precious footage. :)

    Keep believing!!

  8. Thank you so much for the update! So sorry to hear about the cameras. UGH! So totally something I would do...

    I'm glad things are getting a little bit better - even if it is bittersweet for you.

  9. I think of you so often. Glad to hear from you. XOXO

  10. I know it's an uphill battle but we are all here right behind you if you need some extra steam.

  11. Thank you for the update. Please don't feel pressured to blog. We are here praying for you and remembering.

    The cameras in the water? Aaaargh.

  12. Computers are amazing. I'm praying that the hard drive guy gets your info for you.
    I'm amazed that you got them back from the 15 feet of murky water!
    Thanks for thinking of us.
    Blessings, E

  13. AnonymousJuly 20, 2009

    It's good to see your post today, Angie, boring or not! Who knows, maybe this period of short attention span will give way to future funnies. In any case, we love you, pray for you--and want to encourage you however we can with the boys. Terry and his 3 brothers are very close in age and my Mother-in-law swears their constant bickering drove her to tears. (Terry and his brothers don't remember much fighting with each other. They do remember all the fun they had, though. Figures!)

  14. Thanks for the update, but don't worry about the lapse in time. I check in every night no matter what, so take your life & enjoy those sweet boys. We'll be here when you have time to blog.

    And I'll join in praying that the camera fixin' guy can recover the data!!!

  15. You don't owe us any apologies, my dear!

    You have alot on your plate right now, and noone can remember everything.

    My friend lost her husband and 15 year old daughter in a car accident and she found counseling to be very helpful, so I imagine your boys will find it very comforting as well.

    You just do as much as you want or can, when you want or can, or don't do it all. It's about what's best for you. If it's a great outlet, wonderful, write. If it's stressful, don't write. No pressure.

  16. I'm glad you had such a great trip, regardless of the camera incident! And I thought UNSALVAGEABLE was totally a word.

    How did you get your camera out of 15 foot of water? That's what I really want to know.

  17. I'm glad to see this update and to hear how things are going. I hope they are able to recover the data on the hard drive. Continuing to send prayers your way.

  18. Greetings from someone who has to look at his watch each morning to figure out what day it is (not the date, the day of the week). You will get there. School starting will help, enforcing daily routines and sleep for the boys. Good move to wait out the summer before adding anything to your to-do list.

  19. Still reading. Still hoping for good things for you...

  20. so glad to see your update! I am so sorry about your camera and am praying you can retrieve those priceless memories.

  21. You are never boring. OK?

  22. So happy you felt like posting. Like the others have said, we will be here when you feel like writing but when you don't, just know we are still here for you!

  23. I think about you and the boys quite often, even though we've not ever met or even chatted. You guys just truly reached out and 'touched' me one day and have left forever-footprints upon my heart. Funny thing is...I've been away fro several weeks with no internet access, come back today and here's an incredible update from you. :)

    I'm so, so truly sorry to hear about your camera incident and hope with ALL HOPE and praying BIG time, all data is salvageable! BELIEVE!!

    Sending great big (((HUGS))), lotsa love and prayers your way...G'Ma~rella

  24. I just wanted to stop by and say sorry for not commenting in such a long time. I have been gone a lot this summer. Trying to have fun...

    About the lack of attention span. It's totally normal. I've been told by other widows that this is perfectly normal. I too have the same problem. It's like someone can be talking to me and I think I'm paying attention but then at the same time I don't hear what they are saying. I've also done really odd things like forget my car is running. A few weeks ago I even put an entire gallon of milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge. I think it's just because we have so much going on in our mind, trying to figure out where to go next that we get side tracked. So don't are not alone in this! Ii'm always here for you.

    I'm glad you had a good vacation. I'm also glad you joined a gym. I started a gym in April and have been loving it. Working out does seem to be helping me a bit.

    Things are slowing down a bit for me. I'm going to try and send you an email really soon.

  25. Just found your blog. You are an amazing woman...I'm guessing it doesn't feel that way all the time, but just know that even at first glance, I'm in awe of what you are dealing with and how you are holding it together.

    I look forward to getting to know you better and reading more!

  26. AnonymousJuly 22, 2009

    Just know that even if the murky lake water does erase that data on the hard drive, you will ALWAYS have the data ingrained in your memories. I will hope and pray for you that the physical memories will be saved!

  27. AnonymousJuly 22, 2009

    God bless you and your family. You are in my prayers. I think you are a very strong woman. I hope you can get your pictures out of the camera.

  28. You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog since just after Brian passed away (I don't even know how I stumbled upon it, but the title wrapped around my heart). I am praying for you and your sons, I also praying that the hard drive can be recovered. I'll keep reading, and believing.

  29. AnonymousJuly 22, 2009

    Hi, Angie.
    We pray for you and the boys every day - for comfort and peace and just figuring out life from here on out. When we ran into you at Six Flags on the Screaming Eagle, the girls wanted to know who I was talking to and they thought it was cool to see you and know who we're always praying for. (They also wear their green Keep Believing bracelets all the time!)

    I still check in here several times a week to see if you've posted anything new - and I'll keep doing so. If you feel like doing it, go ahead. If not, then don't. So many of us will still be here when you feel like doing a quick update. No need to feel like you have to try to be creative, though it's hard for you not to be naturally.

    Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. I'm glad to hear the boys are talking with someone. And I'm glad to hear you will do so also. It's so normal not to want to let go of the pain and start healing - to not want things to get easier! I remember going through that when I lost my Dad - even though that loss doesn't truly compare to yours. In fact, I had to actually make a decision to really start the healing process because it felt like somehow I was betraying him - even though I knew he wouldn't want me to go through life sad. I knew he would want me to be happy again.

    We'll be praying for the hard drive data to be recovered! God cares about all the things that are truly important to us. Take care and know that many many people still pray for you daily!


  30. Thanks for the update. Hugs.

  31. I am just glad to know that you are still here. Lack of creativity? You should check out my blog of late...boring. I think that sometimes our brains just need a break. I'm so glad to hear that you are processing (as a family) each in your own way. I think that when school is in session that will help a lot. Hang in there! My prayers are with you.

  32. Thanks for the update. I know all about boy fighting, it is up to the millioneth magnitude around here lately!!Prayers for your family from Tn.

  33. i think it's amazing that you are able to recognize that part of you doesn't want it to get easier or better. that insight is really courageous. thanks for posting.

  34. Angie, it is great to read this. I think that joining a gym is worth a lot of therapy, too. Good for you. (I am back at the Y doing yoga 3x a week, and it makes such a difference!) All that you describe sounds so healthy in the stages of the grieving process.

    Please NO apologies necessary. You have spent SO much time here on your blog, it is nurturing and reenergizing to take a break, too.

    I'm so very sorry about the camera. I hope that the guy who can do anything, if anything can be done, is able to salvage the hard drive.

    Always sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

  35. Glad to read your update.

    Just had a few minutes to visit some of my blog friends tonight...

    ....We have had an eventful summer...and my blog time has been little...always enjoy my visit to your blog.


  36. When my Brian had been gone for about 7 months, I finally went to the doctor and had a meltdown. I was already on a med to help with the fact that I was going crazy while he was dying. But I knew it was time to adjust my medication. I asked him to test me for ADD because I lacked any and all attention, like I had zero attention span. I felt (and still do) scatterbrained, unorganized, flighty, a total lack of comprehension. He reminded me that I have basically grief-induced ADD, and that all of my symptoms were normal for my situation, albeit not normal for me personally. So hang in there. Do what you have to do. I started making lists because my memory was shot. The attention span is still an issue for me, I think because I have so very much swirling around in my mind at all times and it is hard to focus. It has improved, now 16 mos. out, but I still battle it some. Take one day at a time, and do go see a counselor, it helped me tremendously. Take care.

  37. glad to see your post. Always in my thoughts and prayers.
    love angela