Thursday, July 31, 2008

Same situation, different month, test day.

Today, Brian is having his bi-monthly (is that every two months or is that twice a month? Because I mean every two months) MRI. We will get results on Monday. I wrote this post in December during test and results week. Reading this brings tears to me because I realize it is just a different month with different activities at home, but the rest remains the same. And I realize, this is our life. And sometimes our life is painful. But the tears come because even though this cancer has been so scary and is so aggressive, it hasn't controlled us and who we are.

Here it is so you don't have to click:

Because of this cancer, Brian has tests every two months right now. Today he will go to the hospital for two different types of MRI’s at 9:30. He will sit in registration for 20 minutes giving the EXACT same information that he has given over 10 times this year and the EXACT same information that he gave in pre-registration last week that was supposed to expedite this ridiculous process. He will walk by himself through a series of confusing corridors and elevators that he knows only as well as most staff. He will get a temporary IV so they can inject different types of contrasting fluids for the MRI to take a variety of pictures. He will awkwardly lie on a hard, flat table VERY still for nearly two hours. He will be placed into the small, confining tube with earphones or earplugs and a cloth over his eyes ineffectively trying to mask the incredibly LOUD clanging noises and sudden changes in direction and light of the machine. During this, he will sleep a little, he will ponder a lot, and he will pray…

While this is going on, I will be at home probably on the computer, cleaning house a bit, or possibly working out… like any other day. It will still be going on when I am making the kids lunch, getting Gavin on the bus and getting Grant ready for preschool. The boys will play and fight and eat and stall…like any other day. However, it isn’t any other day, or any other week. This is test week and it is the most difficult week of every 8 that occurs anymore. This is the week that our minds as a couple and as parents are plagued with “what if.” This is the day of that week that I implore, plead and BEG Christ to miraculously heal Brian. This is the day that as I run on my treadmill I dedicate every ounce of sweat to Brian’s healing. This is the day that I almost burn the grilled cheese because I am lost in thought to what Brian is doing right now. This is the day that I stop mid-stream throughout the morning hours lifting up Brian in prayer. This is the day that I get in front of Playhouse Disney in the morning, turn off the TV, and tell the boys we need to pray quickly for Daddy’s healing, hoping beyond hope that the prayer from a child’s heart and mouth will produce more response from heaven.

After the test, Brian will eat lunch, go to work, come home, eat dinner, play with his family, watch TV and go to bed like any other day. We will talk about how things went today realizing that we will not know or hear anything until Results Day on Friday. We will be quieter than usual with each other, both lost in thought as to the seriousness of the situation. I will make dinner, do dishes, put the kids to bed, work on my blog post for the next day, spend some time with Brian and go to bed. Just like any other day, only it isn’t any other day. It was test day and all it produced so far is…

The next step…

The Agonizing Wait.



  1. My heart goes out to you and your family. God loves you and he is the one who can help you through this. I hope all goes well. I will keep you in my prayers. :)

  2. If I was there, I'd share a cup of jo (or something stronger) with you my friend. Please know well wishes are being thought for all of you.

    I think I told you before, but my Mom has two types of cancer. And she has the full MRI scans/checkups every 6 months. And during those times, I try to keep myself busy. I'm sure you know the drill. Hurry up and wait some more. Anyway, I feel ya.

    Thinking good thoughts for you and your family. Always.

  3. Thanks for visiting my blog! I just wanted to respond to the comment you made. Your boys are at good ages to start learning music. There are many ways to help them learn music.

    At this age you could getting them into private piano or violin lessons.

    Around 5th or 6th grade, most elementary schools have a band or orchestra program. You could rent them an instrument of thier choice to play in the band/orchestra.

    I will write up a post in this with a lot more ideas. Thanks!

  4. AnonymousJuly 31, 2008

    praying and believing! may you both be filled w/ strength and peace on this day! these are the days i wish you lived closer because i want to bring you a meal in the worst way! thinking about you all!

  5. AnonymousJuly 31, 2008

    Just visiting your blog for the first time. I am hoping your husband comes home with nothing but great news.

    You're a gifted writer and I enjoyed the re-caps of your brother's and sister's life. How great that you all get along so well.

  6. I'll Keep Believing from here.

  7. The agonizing wait will be accompanied by my prayers. And love.

  8. Oh Angie.

    My heart aches. I somewhat know what this is like. Although the outcome was different, I know what it is like to have him there testing and be at home waiting.

    Know that you all have both my husband and I praying for you guys today and the rest of the week.

    Hang in there, I wish there were words.........

    Just know you all are in our prayers. From one brain tumor wife to another......HUGS!

  9. I wish there was something I can do...I wanna bring cookies to your front door...but since I can't, I will continue to lift you all up in prayers - believing in His power to heal!!!


  10. I came over here from June Cleaver Nirvana. After reading I stopped to pray. I'll continue to do so.

  11. Prayers are on the way for you and Brian...I cannot begin to feel your stress, but I will offer up every drop of sweat...from Ironing...JUST FOR Brian.
    Blessings, E

  12. Many, many prayers coming to you and Brian this week.

  13. I am praying for you guys.

  14. The thing that popped into my head was "man, the crosses that some people are made to bare".. You know what I mean?

  15. My heart is breaking reading this post. I can't imagine having such big thing become a regular part of your routine. I'm so sorry, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

  16. Keeping you all in my thoughts. I hope all goes well.

  17. I will be thinking and praying for your family!!

  18. Praying, praying,praying, Angie.