I will start out telling you that I am much better. Still not 100%, but getting closer. For the last 2 weeks, I was sick on and off, where off means Tylenol and Advil performed their intended function, with a cold which gave birth to a cough which gave birth to a sore throat which gave birth to an achy body which gave birth to clogged ears and an inability to breathe like a human being is meant to breathe. And the good news of all that is that at least SOME PART of me is able to give birth. I tried to ride it out, thinking it was just a cold, but after 11 days and being asked by everyone in my life to repeat what I was saying no less than 3 times because they could not hear me while I felt like I was screaming, I went to the dr. and got some Zpac. Within 24 hours, I began to feel better. It has been 48 hours now and I am feeling EVEN better.
I rarely get sick. Or if I do, it is usually something minor like seasonal allergies or a pesky cold that doesn't really affect much of my everyday life except my dignity with the constant nose blowing. This was the first time I have been sick for more than a day or two since Brian died.
I cannot tell you how much I missed Brian these past two weeks. The mere thought each day as 3:00 would draw closer knowing the boyz were coming home filled me with dread. I hate that I felt that way, but I did. Knowing that the responsibilities were still there with no one to share in them was such a daunting thought. There was no one to help with dinner and no one to help with homework or to arrange many of the boyz' rides and schedules for their activities or to help with the laundry that was piling up or to tuck them in at night - knowing all those things were still left for me had me in tears a couple of times this week. I hate those moments because I really am a strong person. Physical weakness begets emotional weakness sometimes, too.
Also, I missed knowing someone was available to take care of ME. I know how selfish that sounds. I missed knowing that Brian would walk in that door, do his best to take the reigns and still have enough in his tank to just BE with me if I wanted it. I missed knowing that he would come home, see me in all my chapped, congested, hacking horror, still LOVE me and make sure I KNEW IT. WOW, how I missed that comfort - that PRESUMED love.
So, it hasn't been a great couple of weeks.
- Gavin did the worst on this spelling test than he has ever done.
- I think Grant spent more time in his room in time-out these past 2 weeks than in the past year. I don't have enough hindsight clarity to determine if that was because I was not feeling well and lacked patience or if it was because he knew I wasn't feeling well and tried my patience.
- Both boyz lost screen and snack privileges just about every day this week due to attitudes and fighting. (See above comment regarding hindsight clarity again.)
- We were late to every single appointment and activity they were part of this week. Or frantically rushing to be on time. (Actually, that isn't a stretch from a normal day.)
It is in that realization that I cannnot comprehend how Brian maintained his attitude and good-nature all those years - how he believed in his survival as his body failed him over and over, how he always reserved some of himself for others around him - for me, the boyz, his family, his friends, his work. Truly, as I fought to control my own emotions this last week, I was ONCE AGAIN amazed at the character of that man.
Maybe that is the greatest lesson in all this.