Thursday, June 4, 2009

complicated

Dear Brian,

I am tired of everything being a battle with the kids and between the kids.

But more than that, I am tired of being the only one that is enforcer and referee. Sometimes I just want to close my ears and walk away knowing there is someone else to handle at least this ONE episode. Only there isn't.

And then I have to put on my happy face and take them out in public and then kiss their little heads and put them to bed later.

It is way harder than I thought being the only one to handle these two little boys.

WAY HARDER.

Some days I just want to put my own self to bed early and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to listen to any more whining and fighting and crying and wrestling and breaking and falling and tattling. I don't want to be the only one to enforce and redirect and discipline and tie shoes and run errands and find sitters and watch games and play catch and make dinner and clean up and maintain the house and pay bills. I just want it all to go away. How am I ever going to go back to work and handle all of this, too??

I guess I am just feeling deserted, overwhelmed and lonely lately.

I miss you so much, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

23 comments:

  1. Angie, My hubby travels all week long and my girls do the same thing the second he leaves. And when he is home he is just too worn out to help out much. It is like being a single mom, which you now are. And there are days I would love to just hide under the bed. I feel for ya and totally understand the struggles that come with being the only one that is there disciplining and getting onto kiddos. Stick in there. Eventually you guys will get into a "routine" that will help smooth over those super rough edges.

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  2. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Even though I wanted and prayed for our baby for so long I really can't imagine going through my grief while taking care of a baby. Sometimes I sit and think it would be a bit easier and then sometimes I think it would be so difficult to be a single widowed Mom of an infant.

    I had an email all typed up for you but for some reason it did not send, when I went back to send it again it was gone. :( So I will have to retype it.

    I do have one question for you. I have something I would like to get to you. I think you will really enjoy it and may draw some comfort from it as well. Could I please get your address so I could send it to you? If you are comfortable with that just drop me an email with the info and you will get a treat in the mail on me in a few days.

    Please know that I continue to think and pray about you and your boys.

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  3. Sending thought's and prayers of encouragement and comfort. God bless your precious family...
    (((((HUGS)))))
    G'Ma~rella

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  4. i totally understand that! i get overwhelmed being the one with mykids most often because my hubby works so much. it does get crazy! i feel for you`

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  5. hang in there... it can only get better and don't beat yourself up about feeling overwhelmed...

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  6. Keep up the incredible work, you are an inspiration.

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  7. My two older kids father did not die, but he departed for parts unknown and I was alone with two kids. It does feel overwhelming some days, and on those days? Pancakes for dinner sometimes helps.

    XO

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  8. AnonymousJune 04, 2009

    Angie,
    I can take the boys anytime you need! I can also clean your house! Please, call anytime you need anything, I only work 3 days a week, so I am availble!
    Janna

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  9. Pancakes for dinner and Janna's help sounds like a good start. I know you don't always feel strong, but your actions show you are.

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  10. You can do it, and you are doing it! God bless your efforts. I can't imagine what life is like in your shoes.

    I have 3 kids and a husband and my easy dinner is cold cereal with milk. And you know what? Everybody likes it and no one complains. I wish I would let myself off the hook and do it more often.

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we will keep praying and believing the best for your family.

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  11. Whoever said the magic word "routine" is right on the mark. When my husband goes away, a routine (with early bedtimes) saves my sanity. Just knowing that after 8 I can relax gets me through the tough parts.

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  12. I spent some time the other day reading old posts on your blog. I know you have heard it over and over again, but you are so strong and brave. You children are so lucky to have you as their mother.

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  13. Teri (Laurentius) MooneyJune 05, 2009

    One step at at time, Angie. Just lean on the Lord and He will get you through. I know that my kids were older when Randy died, so I had it a little easier, but I remember having that "overwhelming" feeling. Believe it or not, going to work and mingling with adults for a while was a welcome reprieve to the daily grind. God will direct your path if you lean hard on Him. If you need anyone to talk to, you know I'm just a phone call away. I think about you and pray for you often. I check/read your blog daily. Don't look at the big picture, just one moment at a time. Love you, Teri

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  14. AnonymousJune 05, 2009

    You ARE doing great..it is an uphill climb, and there will unfortunately be days where you slide down the hill a bit...and kids just don't understand that Mommy has had it and is just plain worn out!!! I KNOW YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB...all I have to do is look at those precious boys, who are happy, healthy, and amazingly normal...fighting, whining, tattling and all...they are doing remarkably well in light of all they have been through in their short lives. Cut yourself some slack...and rely on your BFFs for more help...that is what we are here for, and you know how much we all LOVE and ADORE you and WANT SO MUCH to take some of this burden away from you right now. You don't have to do it all at once...laundry will always be there...so what if they miss the occasional game...and cereal for supper is WAY COOL to little boys!!! You hold yourself to such high standards that even those of us with help can't achieve...one day at a time is all that you can expect of yourself right now. Please let us help out more...you know how much we like our cleaning/weeding/work-out get togethers : )

    LOVE YOU,
    Kris

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  15. I too feel overwhelmed with life ... on almost a daily basis. I love my three children dearly, but they are a LOT of work, and a LOT of patience is required of me. Patience I don't often feel I have! I also understand the wanting to go to bed early, to walk away and let someone else handle it, the desire to take some time off. What I don't even begin to understand is how that reality is when you are a single mom. I pray that you have the strength and patience to make it through each day ... and I pray that you become more and more willing to accept the help of family and friends. I don't even know you, but I can see on this board how very loved your family is, and how desperately people want to help. I know how hard it is to accept help, but try this. Imagine it were YOU who was the friend of someone who lost their husband. Imagine how much YOU would want to help that friend. How YOU would do anything to help lighten their load, even just a bit. By accepting help, you are truly just letting others do something they can feel good about. Accept that help because if it gives you even just 10 minutes of extra time or freedom, or takes just one little job out of your list for the day, then it's worth it! Your health, sanity, happiness, and strength are the single most important thing to your family right now. Take care of YOU!!!!

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  16. I've been raising my two boys alone for five years now, so I know what you are feeling and the weight of it.

    But here's what I've learned, and what I know FOR SURE..
    You do not have to depend on your own abilities, and you don't need to fear your inabilites. The Lord is mighty and strong when we are weak, and as single mothers, we get to experience HIS hand in our lives in ways that no one else ever will. You CAN depend on Him to fill in the blanks! He does that for me constantly, so I know that it's true. His grace is sufficient, and I've finally come to the place where I have faith in that. You (and me) are TOTALLY dependant on God, and He will NOT fail you.

    It's not easy, and it doesn't get easier, but the peace that passes all understanding will keep you. I know this because there is NO WAY I would be able to make it, frazzled or otherwise, without this peace.

    Sometimes all I can do is call His name. It's all I've got the strength or the wits to do, but it's always enough. When I say the name of Jesus, He is right here immediately. And with Him comes the peace of His presense. Give it a try, when your boys are overwhelming you, just call out His name. The air will clear and your boys will see this, and feel it, and be comforted by it as well.

    One thing that comforts me is knowing that nothing that's happening in my life has taken God by surprise. His yoke is easy and His burdon is light, don't forget.

    Being totally dependant on God to provide everything I need, and my sons need, has been something I've had to learn to embrace. But once I did, a lot of frustration was eliminated. Since all of us are actually completely dependant on Him anyway, being this cognizant of it is a blessing. I know who to depend on and expect help from first now, and He has never failed me.

    If this was all too preachy, I'm sorry. It's my truth though, and it's the only encouragement or advice I know to give.

    I'm here if you need me Angie, and I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

    Find your rest and strength in Him, it's there.

    Love you!

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  17. I also agree with the "routine" suggestion. Routine can be comforting. I personally have two girlfriends (that I trust completely) that are referred to as "second moms." We all help with discipline. Knowing that others, not just mom, expect good behavior is sometimes helpful. And sometimes they respond better to someone else instead of just tuning me out. You might give it a try.

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  18. I pray for your pain to ease.

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  19. Piper said it better than I can. Bring all your trials to our Saviour and let Him handle the whining and tattling. He is the Great definer and although it sounds trite, ask the boys "What would Jesus do?" when things get out of hand. With all the spiritual education the boys have been through surely this question would make them think. God is always there for you and sometimes in the most mysterious way will provide the solution to the situation.

    You are so blessed that you have the spiritual walk that you and Brian started. Grant and Gavin will learn to lean on our Lord by your example.

    Your sister in Christ, Karen in S.W. Ohio

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  20. Thinking of you, Angie. The fighting and bickering is probably a healthy sign. Not fun, but healthy. Can you give yourself a break? Have someone take the boys overnight so that you can climb into bed early and stay there?

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  21. AnonymousJune 11, 2009

    Praying for you tonight Angie! Praying for a calm day tomorrow and praying for you to feel under control! Even though you don't feel like it, you continue to amaze me. Grant and Gavin are so lucky to have you!

    Ashley

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  22. I can't even imagine. I totally get how overwhelming it must be because I feel the same way sometimes and I am not dealing with all the extra crap like you. I do hope you can find a little time for a break...although I am sure breaks are hard too because it probably feels better to just be busy. All I can say is that I am thinking about you and praying...

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  23. i can't imagine how tired you must be.

    this is going to sound totally weird, but is a sincere offer. my house, which is ten minutes from the beach will be empty july 4-12, it's yours if you want it. maybe some sun and change of scenery will help. i know it can't really help, but maybe could just be a tiny relief for a little while.

    your overwhelm must be palpable. i'm sorry.

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