Wednesday, June 17, 2009

another nail in your coffin

Dear Brian,

I continue to slowly kill your memory. I am sorry. I do not mean to do this. The world is forcing me. I resent every step I am required to take.

Each week since April, I have taken another step to secure our finances and establish things in MY name.

MY name.

It sounds so selfish. Each time I take the next step, I feel exactly that - SELFISH.

Since you died, the world is forcing me to do all these necessary, SMART, and what it considers to be "logical" things.

Things like close joint accounts and open single accounts.
Things like create a trust.
Things like change beneficiaries on all existing accounts.
Things like change benefits into my name with my social.
Things like change the deed on the house.
Things like change my emergency contact to someone OTHER than my spouse.
Things like take your name off and change my status to WIDOWED on school, medical and other forms.


Did you even read that? It looks like a typo doesn't it?

Each time, Brian. I am LITERALLY erasing your name from my concrete world. My checks will soon no longer have your name on them. Our account statements will soon come to MS ANGELA ONEILL and not BRIAN E ONEILL.

It feels so wrong.

I feel guilty doing all that I am. I am sorry for this.

The world is making me do this. The world is forcing me to gradually move on one step at a time. I hate that they won't allow me to take your name along with it. It's as if the world thinks I should get over it already and move on. I truly resent it all right now.

One thing that will have your name on it forever - your headstone.

Yeah, I am 37 years old and I just designed and ordered my husband's HEADSTONE this week.

Of all things to keep your name on it, I could do without that one.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.



  1. i keep praying for you and your boys! his name will always be in your heart

  2. You know, you still have Brian's name. Your last name is his. And you can keep it for the rest of your life. :)

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  4. CatharineJune 17, 2009

    Angie, I still hold you guys dear to my heart and in my prayers. I can only imagine how difficult all this is for you and the boys and how it will be an uphill climb for a long time. "They" may make you erase Brian's name from everything as far as documents go, but his name will always be in your heart and in your memory - "they" can't take that away from you.

  5. I can't imagine how horrible this must be Angie. It must feel so alien after being ONE for so long.

    I am so sorry.

  6. The only thing that makes this bearable is knowing that he is alive in Heaven. That nothing can erase the heritage he left in your two boys.

    That nothing can erase your memory of him. He was here and he made a difference. His life had meaning and value. And his name is still remembered amongst your family, friends, and even the people that read your blog.

    And he is still alive, he goes on. He is with our Lord.

    My friend lost her husband and teenage daughter in a car accident. She went through much of what you're going through. It's not easy, Angie, and it's o.k. to have hard days. You don't have to be strong all the time, my friend.

  7. (((((HUGS))))) and prayers...Brian's name will forever be in your heart. Forever be attached to your precious boys names,as well as yours. He will for the rest of your life, walk right along beside you, Angie. BELIEVE....

  8. It is tough. I think of you often.

  9. I can't even begin to imagine how painful all of this is. I continue to pray for you and the boys.

    And although the world wants to take Brian's name from everything, he will always be in your heart...they can't touch that.

  10. 37 and designing a headstone. Those single words show how much you are dealing with. I am in awe at how you carry on each day with such dignity.

    I think you are an amzing woman, one your husband will always be proud of.

    His name on your checks isn't what matters. The love that you have for me does.


  11. AnonymousJune 18, 2009

    I can't imagine all the pain you are feeling right now - it is suppose to get easier, but there is so much that you "must" do. You are not one bit selfish - you are caring for you and your boys - as Brian would want you to do. I hope there is a good day coming your way soon - one filled with laughter and need that!

  12. It does seem like rubbing salt in a wound, your having to do all those things right now, doesn't it? Too bad you can't hire someone to do it all for you.

  13. Keeping you in our prayers.

  14. Your boys will forever carry his name with them the rest of their lives and their kids lives. That is much better than on checks or deeds to houses. :) Hugs and prayers to you!!

  15. Sweet Angie,

    My love to you. The amazing benefit about belonging to Jesus Christ is that Brian's name is written in a book that is eternal. God will never erase Brian O'Neill's name from the Book of Life that we read about in Scripture. Brian's name is engraved on our awesome God's hands (Isaiah 49). God knew Brian's name before he was born. Brian is not dead. He has been released from this shell we call our earthly body. He is more alive today than he ever was here on this earth. Not one thing you do this side of heaven will erase Brian's life or the fact that He existed. The One who holds Brian's life in His hands cannot forget. Brian will never be a memory to Jesus. Brian is alive in Him! And you are, too, my sweet Angie, though you may not feel that is the truth. Grief is crushing and horrible because it can present lies in a way that our wounded hearts are tempted to believe. Stand firm, Angie, against those lies that satan would whisper (or shout) to you. You love Brian with all your heart and nothing you are doing is dishonoring to him. Brian's life continues to count. You continue to carry on his legacy so well. As to his is hidden with Christ in God. It is safe there and untouchable. Yes, you are now separated by the thin veil of life on this earth, but your blessed and real hope, the anchor of your soul, is that because of Jesus Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, your name has been written in the same book as Brian's. And the truth is, death has been swallowed in victory and there is a glorious reunion ahead of you where God Himself is going to wipe away all these tears that you have shed in the missing of your beloved husband.

    Hold on, Angie, soon and very soon we are going to see the King!

    I love you--Shawn from TN

  16. Maybe its a good thing (I say ducking to avoid the lightening bolts shooting from your eyes). I know my grandmother felt a little relief at the "have tos" when my grandpa died, because otherwise she would still be sitting at her kitchen table trying to figure out how to move on. The "have tos" gave her a purpose and a direction at a time when she couldn't put one foot in front of the other. Maybe some day it will seem like that for you, too.

  17. I'm sending you love and prayers from afar. I wish there was something more I could do. <3

  18. AnonymousJune 18, 2009

    I agree with Shawn's post. Our time on Earth is so short compared with Eternity. I imagine your husband is so busy working on the mansion he will be sharing with you. Sending you lots of love and prayers from Florida.

  19. Oh sweet Angie.

    Words have so little meaning, but the emotion and feeling and prayers behind the little words are huge.

    From my heart to yours.. peace and hugs

  20. AnonymousJune 18, 2009

    WOW...I just can't comprehend what you are going through. As everyone has stated...Brian's name will always be written where it matters most. I hate that you feel selfish and guilty - Brian would want you to do what needs to be done. Hang in there and let me help with anything I can!

  21. Ack. Once again you're stopping me from thinking up any intelligent comment. You are very strong and I am in awe. Hugs.

  22. I am so sorry, my heart really does go out to you and it must really feel like everyone wants you to change, some things will and it seems kind of cruel. I am sorry. Hugs to you.

  23. AnonymousJune 19, 2009

    I miss need a giant hug...and I intend to deliver just that as soon as I see you tomorrow. Do you want us to pick you up???


  24. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Totally sucks. I am so sorry. I hate every part of that for you and wish it wasn't so.

    Thinking about you and the boys today. The calendar is relentless...

  25. Angie,

    You will always be Mrs. BRIAN E ONEILL. There is no legal way to change this. It is your signature and this will remain yours for life.

    I am under certain circumstances Mrs. Thomas J. Calvin. After over 25 years this has never changed. Since Tom's death I have remaried and now am Mrs. James R. Wright, but I still respond to the first and there is still life insurance as his spouse that I am eligible for.

    Don't believe that society is taking Brian away from you! Only that the legal system is providing you a simple way to conduct business. Brian will always be with you!

    Your sister in Christ, Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

  26. don't forget that HIS name is also on YOUR name as well as your KIDS' names....

    tis a reason for changing the name at marriage.