I continue to slowly kill your memory. I am sorry. I do not mean to do this. The world is forcing me. I resent every step I am required to take.
Each week since April, I have taken another step to secure our finances and establish things in MY name.
It sounds so selfish. Each time I take the next step, I feel exactly that - SELFISH.
Since you died, the world is forcing me to do all these necessary, SMART, and what it considers to be "logical" things.
Things like close joint accounts and open single accounts.
Things like create a trust.
Things like change beneficiaries on all existing accounts.
Things like change benefits into my name with my social.
Things like change the deed on the house.
Things like change my emergency contact to someone OTHER than my spouse.
Things like take your name off and change my status to WIDOWED on school, medical and other forms.
Did you even read that? It looks like a typo doesn't it?
Each time, Brian. I am LITERALLY erasing your name from my concrete world. My checks will soon no longer have your name on them. Our account statements will soon come to MS ANGELA ONEILL and not BRIAN E ONEILL.
It feels so wrong.
I feel guilty doing all that I am. I am sorry for this.
The world is making me do this. The world is forcing me to gradually move on one step at a time. I hate that they won't allow me to take your name along with it. It's as if the world thinks I should get over it already and move on. I truly resent it all right now.
One thing that will have your name on it forever - your headstone.
Yeah, I am 37 years old and I just designed and ordered my husband's HEADSTONE this week.
Of all things to keep your name on it, I could do without that one.
I miss you, Brian. I love you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009