Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Two for one - depression AND vegetable gardening advice!!!

Blog advice ROCKS!

Okay, so yesterday after I hit publish, I started thinking, “Dude, You MUST be depressed if you just hit publish on a post seeking many strangers’ and friends’ and family’s that do not see you on a regular basis advice for DEPRESSION! DUH!!” Then each comment I read just made me feel better and better and more and more normal and has truly helped me these last two days. AND!! I got practical advice on how to handle my God-forsaken ever-green tomatoes.

I have researched depression some and I seriously do not think I am depressed. And that diagnosis comes from Dr. Angie with no MD behind her name. I do not feel like I am putting on a happy face for those around me. If something amuses me, I smile. If I find something funny, I laugh. If I find something hilarious, I snort my drink out of my nose. I think I am being very honest with myself. I feel generally happy with my life as is barring a few obvious issues.

It is the “what if” that concerns me. Right now, I stay home and have this wonderful luxury of time to blog, of the ability to volunteer and be involved in the boys’ school, of making dinners from scratch, of allowing the boys to be involved in extra-curricular activites, and of many other comforts. It is the thought of how to do any of this without the support of a spouse that completely rocks my world – like in an earthquake kind of way and not in a U2 kind of way.

That is the worry that consumes me. It is the worry of raising two boys without a father in this crazy world in which we live. It is not even the worry of being alone so much as the worry of the finances, the kids, and the making this all work together with only one parent.

So, I have an appointment with my GP on Monday and I can’t wait to talk to him more before I start taking anything. Because honestly? I feel enslaved to the worry.


I do not lack energy to face the day. I do not lack desire to face the day. In fact, I am ready to add more to my day. I want to go back to work part time. I am excited about the boys’ sports starting again. I want to do more with friends and family. I have huge desires to be surrounded by those that love me and make me feel “normal.” Maybe because they take me away from our harsh realities, but mostly because it is fun.

I do not think I have a chemical thing going on in my BRAIN making me more blue than NOT. I think I have a situational thing going on in my LIFE making me more blue than USUAL.

And I think I should probably talk to someone about my fears and my worries. If talking helps, then great. I need to get my pretty much NON-EXISTENT prayer and spiritual life back on track. I need to get my house organized so I stop feeling overwhelmed at home. I need to clean my car so I stop regurgitating every time I get near it. There are many things I know would help my situation. I don’t think they will take away the worry, but I think they would help a bit with the peripheral angst.

The medication my doctor prescribed is an anti-depressant and not an anti-anxiety med. I am more prone to take an anti-anxiety med than anything else, but even then, I would prefer to handle my situational blues with other means FIRST, MAYBE. Like I said, I am talking to my doctor on Monday about it. A doctor that does not know me. A doctor that is probably not overly qualified to diagnose or help me in the most effective manner, but is a starting point and maybe can recommend a counseling group to help me get some things off my chest. Because most of my worries and the places my mind takes me each day are accompanied with GUILT for “even going there.”

Some of you mentioned support groups, to which I say, BLECH. I know this is totally politically incorrect and you would think I would be more open to this, but I HATE cancer support groups and, naturally, I will tell you why. The people there? - they have cancer. Those support groups are full of sick people. They are full of complaining people. They are full of tired people. They are full of frustrated people. And YES I know we would be exactly those people. But honestly? I am around enough sickness and frustration and anxiety in my own life, I don’t want to bear anyone else’s. I know that is unbelievably selfish and contradicts the very reason for the SUPPORT part of the support group. Also? The support group I went to in the past consisted of one of two people. 1) those that were so sick they were dying (and averaged 25 years our senior) or 2) those that were way too healthy to be a part of this group of sick and dying people because they don’t want to be constantly reminded of what could happen to them. And anyone who hasn’t been told they have less than 3 months to live falls into category 2. So, I stay the hell away from cancer support groups. My reasons for going would be totally selfish, anyway. I want to be supported and to vent. I do not want to hear about anyone else’s issues at this point in our journey. And what I want? They call that COUNSELING, last time I checked.

So, there you go. I am going to talk with one doctor on Monday and simply get another opinion. (By the way, I just love and appreciate God’s timing on this one – we have a jam-packed week with lots of fun activities to pre-occupy us and I have had this appointment on Monday for over 7 weeks. I scheduled it weeks ago trying to get in right away, but had to wait because I am being treated like a new patient. So, God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to have this stressful last couple of weeks coupled with back-to-back doctors appointments I wanted to have months ago)

I am trying to live my life “one day at a time” and the worry I have is not for today, but for the POSSIBLE TOMORROW. I need help getting that worry in check so I can better enjoy my todays. Right now, my enjoyment of today is compromised. I don’t want anything to rob me of that joy.



  1. Right on, sistah.

    And, knowing you, I knew you'd say that about the support groups. But, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

    Now, go have a Fat Tire, already!

  2. You are really something special.

    Still thinking of you, praying for you, and believing in you.

    Love, Cheri

  3. Good girl, it sounds like you know what is right for you and you're working on getting the help you need. I LOVE blogging to get second opinions, as you can just toss the opinions that don't work. Hugs. I'm glad there were so many people here for you.

  4. Glad you found something that works for you.

    If I could edit my post, I would. I was just trying to suggest something I obviously know nothing about.

    It's just hard reading it and not being able to do anything for you to help you out, because if I lived there, I sure would try to ease the load on you. I hope you know that.

    I hope all works out like you want it at the appointment.

  5. i've seen your comments on pinky's blog, but this is my first time visiting yours.

    know that this complete stranger to you will be praying for your and your family. depression sucks. it will eventually fade away, provided you do what you need to do to take care of yourself - food, sleep, time with your family, etc...

    do what you need to do for yourself, regardless what others think.
    support group - if you need/want it'
    individual therapy - if you need/want it.
    a night of pizza, beer, and movies - if you need/want it. uhh, who wouldn't want a night of pizza, beer, and movies? silly me. :-)

    good luck. i'll be praying. :-)

  6. Ever feel like a huge doof? I assumed that you were more consistant at your prayer and spiritual life than me... If it were me, I'd guess straight away that I needed to reconnect with the One who will never leave nor forsake, will supply all need, and loves our loved ones more than we could ever aspire to. And you are never in a place so dark that he is afraid to go with you.

  7. I missed reading yesterday, so this is a lot to process. It sounds like an anti-anxiety drug like Xanax would be the thing for you. I took it occasionally when my mom and sister hand cancer. Not often, just those times when I felt truly overwhelmed. It just brought everything down to a manageable level. It's not long-acting so it's not a big commitment to try it.

    My bff, who just lost her husband, feels the same way you do about support groups. She's found her support from the friends and family she already had.

    You do have so very much on your plate--remember to give yourself a break from being strong once in a while.

    The blogosphere is here for you as much as we can be. Sending love and hope.

  8. Angie, I'm going to email you about this, sistah.
    You are one of the bravest, most amazing women I know.
    Not because of how you handle Brian's cancer
    ;0), but because you're talking about your anxiety and possible depression so openly on your blog.
    I just love you.

  9. :) :) :) you rock angie!

  10. You are right - and only you know what is right for you. We all go through hard times, some worse than others. And we will each deal with it in our own way and in our own time. And that is as it should be. Whatever works for YOU is what you need to do. And only YOU know that! Much Love Girl!

  11. I don't know what I can say to help you other than I continue to pray for you and Brian. I prayer for health and peace and well-being. And I pray that you find strength and comfort in God.

  12. You are such a strong woman - it really shines through in this post. I can't even imagine the worry but it does sound like you will handle whatever you have to...I admire you Angie.

  13. "I do not think I have a chemical thing going on in my BRAIN making me more blue than NOT. I think I have a situational thing going on in my LIFE making me more blue than USUAL."

    Love it. And remember in my email this morning I mentioned my panic attack last night about BLOGS I was behind on?! That's the least of my panic attacks lately.

  14. I think you have it together more than you give yourself credit. I am happy that you are feeling a bit better. Don't ever feel bad for looking to help from your friends (even your blog buddies!!!)

    Have a great weekend.

  15. Seriously girl you are doing well. You have the right to worry about all this. I agree with the support group thing...the last thing you need is someone bringing you down. Maybe a girls night out would be a better idea. I am glad you are talking to your doctor. That may or may not be helpful, but at least both you and he/she is thinking about it. I went through a bout of depression before kids and was all lethargic, not sleeping, not caring about anything WITHOUT any reason. You on the other hand have legitimate concerns that if you were NOT concerned about we would be MORE concerned (did that make sense?). You need support and it is healthy to ask for it.

    On a medical/mental note from Holly who also doesn't have a MD after her name but specialized in chronic pain as a PT: The one thing I would be really concerned about is if you are not sleeping well. All that you are dealing with will be 100% worse if you don't have a rested mind and body. A good night sleep will also help with anxiety.