Two for one - depression AND vegetable gardening advice!!!

Blog advice ROCKS!

Okay, so yesterday after I hit publish, I started thinking, “Dude, You MUST be depressed if you just hit publish on a post seeking many strangers’ and friends’ and family’s that do not see you on a regular basis advice for DEPRESSION! DUH!!” Then each comment I read just made me feel better and better and more and more normal and has truly helped me these last two days. AND!! I got practical advice on how to handle my God-forsaken ever-green tomatoes.

I have researched depression some and I seriously do not think I am depressed. And that diagnosis comes from Dr. Angie with no MD behind her name. I do not feel like I am putting on a happy face for those around me. If something amuses me, I smile. If I find something funny, I laugh. If I find something hilarious, I snort my drink out of my nose. I think I am being very honest with myself. I feel generally happy with my life as is barring a few obvious issues.

It is the “what if” that concerns me. Right now, I stay home and have this wonderful luxury of time to blog, of the ability to volunteer and be involved in the boys’ school, of making dinners from scratch, of allowing the boys to be involved in extra-curricular activites, and of many other comforts. It is the thought of how to do any of this without the support of a spouse that completely rocks my world – like in an earthquake kind of way and not in a U2 kind of way.

That is the worry that consumes me. It is the worry of raising two boys without a father in this crazy world in which we live. It is not even the worry of being alone so much as the worry of the finances, the kids, and the making this all work together with only one parent.

So, I have an appointment with my GP on Monday and I can’t wait to talk to him more before I start taking anything. Because honestly? I feel enslaved to the worry.

BUT…

I do not lack energy to face the day. I do not lack desire to face the day. In fact, I am ready to add more to my day. I want to go back to work part time. I am excited about the boys’ sports starting again. I want to do more with friends and family. I have huge desires to be surrounded by those that love me and make me feel “normal.” Maybe because they take me away from our harsh realities, but mostly because it is fun.

I do not think I have a chemical thing going on in my BRAIN making me more blue than NOT. I think I have a situational thing going on in my LIFE making me more blue than USUAL.

And I think I should probably talk to someone about my fears and my worries. If talking helps, then great. I need to get my pretty much NON-EXISTENT prayer and spiritual life back on track. I need to get my house organized so I stop feeling overwhelmed at home. I need to clean my car so I stop regurgitating every time I get near it. There are many things I know would help my situation. I don’t think they will take away the worry, but I think they would help a bit with the peripheral angst.

The medication my doctor prescribed is an anti-depressant and not an anti-anxiety med. I am more prone to take an anti-anxiety med than anything else, but even then, I would prefer to handle my situational blues with other means FIRST, MAYBE. Like I said, I am talking to my doctor on Monday about it. A doctor that does not know me. A doctor that is probably not overly qualified to diagnose or help me in the most effective manner, but is a starting point and maybe can recommend a counseling group to help me get some things off my chest. Because most of my worries and the places my mind takes me each day are accompanied with GUILT for “even going there.”

Some of you mentioned support groups, to which I say, BLECH. I know this is totally politically incorrect and you would think I would be more open to this, but I HATE cancer support groups and, naturally, I will tell you why. The people there? - they have cancer. Those support groups are full of sick people. They are full of complaining people. They are full of tired people. They are full of frustrated people. And YES I know we would be exactly those people. But honestly? I am around enough sickness and frustration and anxiety in my own life, I don’t want to bear anyone else’s. I know that is unbelievably selfish and contradicts the very reason for the SUPPORT part of the support group. Also? The support group I went to in the past consisted of one of two people. 1) those that were so sick they were dying (and averaged 25 years our senior) or 2) those that were way too healthy to be a part of this group of sick and dying people because they don’t want to be constantly reminded of what could happen to them. And anyone who hasn’t been told they have less than 3 months to live falls into category 2. So, I stay the hell away from cancer support groups. My reasons for going would be totally selfish, anyway. I want to be supported and to vent. I do not want to hear about anyone else’s issues at this point in our journey. And what I want? They call that COUNSELING, last time I checked.

So, there you go. I am going to talk with one doctor on Monday and simply get another opinion. (By the way, I just love and appreciate God’s timing on this one – we have a jam-packed week with lots of fun activities to pre-occupy us and I have had this appointment on Monday for over 7 weeks. I scheduled it weeks ago trying to get in right away, but had to wait because I am being treated like a new patient. So, God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to have this stressful last couple of weeks coupled with back-to-back doctors appointments I wanted to have months ago)

I am trying to live my life “one day at a time” and the worry I have is not for today, but for the POSSIBLE TOMORROW. I need help getting that worry in check so I can better enjoy my todays. Right now, my enjoyment of today is compromised. I don’t want anything to rob me of that joy.

KEEP BELIEVING