Tuesday, December 22, 2009

man in the mirror

So, I knew it was coming. I knew the holidays would provide some time of sadness and melancholy this year, what with being a FIRST YEAR WIDOW and all. I have learned to expect these feelings at times that would have in other circumstances been emotionally blissful.

I was, however, unprepared that I would seemingly be going about life JUST FINE in my own little world so quickly losing sight of whom else is living under my roof this first Christmas without Brian. I have lost enough relatives over the years to know better. How could I be so stinking BLIND? How could I, in my own selfish chapter of life, forget that my OWN CHILDREN are experiencing their first holiday without their daddy? Honestly, ever since I started dating, I have become a different person in my own home. I am horrified looking in the mirror God has placed in front of me these past few days.

And do you know what it took for me to remember this GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FACT??? It took my son's crying during Home Alone. It took many minutes of prying and comforting to get him to talk to me and finally just confess that he misses Daddy. It took a picture Grant drew today at school of our family - the four of us with Daddy in a casket. While taking a moment to look around this house at the ornaments that bear Brian's photographs or the very obvious FOUR stockings on the mantle, I can see the constant reminders to their innocent little memories. I am sure the constant display of TV shows and movies and holiday specials that revolve around family traditions or families reunited are knives in their chests.

So, these next couple weeks, I am taking a break from the dating scene that seems to have overrun my thoughts and my priorities. I am concentrating again on my children. I am refocusing on them and their needs and their emotions. I am realigning my priorities to spend time with them instead of out on a date, to stay up late reading and watching TV with them instead of texting new acquaintances, to share a root beer float and a game of MarioKart instead of a glass of wine and awkward conversation with a nearly perfect stranger, to lovingly smother them with hugs and kisses instead of determining if a date is good-night-kiss worthy.

I am so embarrassed that my own selfish desires and my own earthly pleasures lately have clouded my judgement with my children. One thing that I feel I have handled SO well in this entire event since 2007 was my focus on the boyz, ensuring I was in tune with their emotions in any situation.

The thing is, since I started dating, God has not been my number one priority, either. The fact that I have been slightly oblivious to my children solidifies that God is not first in my life. I know better.

While I do not like the image God has revealed to me in my mirror this week, I am incredibly thankful that He showed me this just in time for the Christmas break. I have plenty of HOME time to make some things up to the boyz.



  1. Oh dear. I can't know for sure, but I think maybe you are being too hard on yourself.

    Am I mistaken that one of the reasons/motivations for your dating has to do with wanting to, at some point, build a new version of your family so that your boys have a wonderful man in their lives as the grow?

    I know this time of year is hard for all of you-seeking solace in each other is the right thing to do.

  2. Bravo for recognizing a fault & facing it head on! That's so hard to do while wearing fleshly skin. You're such a great mom. When the time is right, God (and the boys!) will nudge you to resume dating. Whether that's tomorrow or next week or next year, it'll be clear. Til then, refocusing on God & the kids is great! Hang in there, hon!

  3. That Liz up there said what this Liz was going to say.

    Your words show your wisdom.

  4. My name isn't Liz but they both said what I was going to say!!!! Have a great Christmas break with the boys :)

  5. Sending you love and hugs right now. I know this Christmas will include hard times and some good times too. May God bless your time with those dear boys!

  6. Well, I'm just thinking that you look super cute in your sweater, jeans, and chunky necklace.

    It's a pendulum, isn't it? We swing back and forth, looking for balance.

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  8. I agree with Liz. You are in a new stage in your life. But...you recognize that you need to bring God into every stage of your life.
    You know how to start the day with God and end the day with God. You even know to spend the entire day with God. Remembering these things is like breathing. Sometimes you actually have to think about breathing and other times it is automatic.
    Girl, you are amazing. I am stating the obvious and yet the truth. You are willing to recognize when you are off your track with God and make the necessary changes to bring yourself back into a conversation with Him. Brava!
    You may not realize it but along with being a role model to your sons, family and friends you have become a role model to many of your internet blog readers, myself among them. I cheer when you make a step forward and then look at myself and see if that is a step I need to make or have been refusing to make because it might be just too hard. Thank you.
    Keep being yourself and you will get through all of this with flying colors.
    I didn't mean for this to be so long.
    Have a blessed Christmas.
    Karen W. in S.W. Ohio

  9. Teri (Laurentius) MooneyDecember 23, 2009

    Good for you!! God is good and He will lead you every step of the way! Love you!

  10. Praying for wisdom!!! Don't beat yourself up - the Angie I see in the mirror is an Angie that is doing an awesome job through a very difficult season. Merry Christmas!!!

  11. Angie, you are GORGEOUS!!!

  12. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Really. You're doing a great job....and you're such a good mom. God always steers us in the right direction. I'm glad you feel you're back on track.

  13. Looking VERY thin. And give yourself a break.

  14. I think you are being hard on yourself, too. You will find the balance. The boys need mom. But, the boys also need a mom who has a full life someday. Always sending prayers your way.